The Dr Tam Journals
by cbstevp
Summary: Kaylee discovers Simon has been keeping a journal of all his adventures since he came on board the ship and decides she must read it. Takes place after events in TV show Firefly and movie Serenity, with some references to comic books. All credit belongs to Joss Whedon and any mistakes are mine alone.
1. Chapter 1 Serenity

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 1 - Serenity**

Shortly after their marriage and while they were still living on Serenity, Kaylee found Simon's journal. It wasn't like she was looking for it and in fact she didn't even know he kept a journal but there it was still the same. That he did keep a journal was not a big surprise to her because she knew her man was the intellectual and analytical type. Despite his less than perfect skills at wooing the female of the species, which Kaylee had suffered through for many months until he finally expressed his desire for her, Simon was acknowledge as an extremely bright doctor and was quite knowledgeable in many other areas, such as science, history, literature, and philosophy. Keeping a diary seemed normal for him.

She had awoken in the passenger dorm room they shared and reached out for him but he wasn't there. She opened a sleepy eye and saw him at the desk they had set up, slumped over an open notebook bound in red leather. He was dressed in just a t-shirt and his pajama pants, no socks or shoes. His soft snoring made her smile. He had refused to believe he snored until she recorded him one night and then played it in front of everyone at breakfast, much to his chagrin and everyone else's amusement. Simon was still the butt of many jokes on the ship, despite his almost universal acceptance as one of the crew members. He was just too darn straight laced and was always such an easy mark.

Kaylee slipped out of the narrow bed, clad only in her purple Oriental pattern silk night dress, and quietly approached him. The desk was covered in his notes, charts, and computer scans of River's brain activity. Despite her improvement since the events on Miranda and at Mr. Universe's complex, River was still a troubled teen. Sometimes, Simon despaired that he would ever find a way to help his sister and that she would need medication all her life to prevent her from having psychotic episodes. Kaylee and River had grown much closer in recent months, with River acting as apprentice to Kaylee as they repaired the ship and then serving as one of her maids of honor at their wedding.

An ink pen was in his right hand, his face covering the notebook. She gently removed the pen, trying not to disturb him. She loved his hands, so gentle, hands of a skilled doctor, skilled in the art of making her thrill to his touch, finding all her secret spots. He may not have been an expert at understanding women but he knew female anatomy, that's for sure! Simon awoke at that moment, turned a sleepy face to her, lines on his face from where he had lay on the notebook.

"Hi," he said.

She suppressed a laugh at his state. "Time for bed, dear."

Kaylee helped him up as he half walked to and half fell into the bed. She covered him up and gave a gentle kiss to his forehead as he drifted off to slumber land again. She turned to the desk and thought about straightening it up but knew he would be lost in the morning if everything wasn't exactly where he had left it. She sat in the chair and looked at the book that was left open. It was a thick notebook, covered in red leather and had creamy white paper. It looked very expensive and Kaylee wondered why she had never noticed it before. She knew she shouldn't pry into Simon's work but she was his wife after all and River was one of her best friends in the 'verse. She worried about her constantly and wanted to help in anyway she could.

The open page was filled with medical notes and things Kaylee didn't even half understand. She slowly flipped back the pages, with lots of notes and diagrams until she saw her name on one page. It was dated the day of their wedding. She felt a twinge of guilt, knowing this might be something private but pressed on, curiosity overcoming her guilty feelings. His script was neat and easy to read, years of penmanship a requirement in Core schools despite the advanced computer technology in use.

"Kaylee was so lovely, she was perfect. I had never imagined I could be so happy."

She felt her heart beat faster and was glad she had read that sentence. She pressed on as he described their wedding day, the party, and the honeymoon. There was nothing graphic, just his observations on things, and she was the center of it all. Kaylee wanted to read more about herself, so she flipped back more pages until she got to the very beginning and got a shock.

"This journal is a record of my attempts to free my sister, River Tam, from the people who are imprisoning her on Athenian Island at a scientific research center for human behavior modification. I am committing it to paper and ink to insure there is only one copy that cannot be breached as an electronic one can. If anyone finds this journal please send it to Gabriel and Regan Tam of 11 Chungjin Street, Sungsoo Suburb, Capital City, Osiris. You will be well paid for your efforts. My name is Dr. Simon Tam, River's brother, and I have begun this journey in an attempt to free my sister and save her from whatever it is the Alliance government is doing to her."

Kaylee's eyes flew down the pages reading as fast as she could as Simon described how River had gone to the Academy and then the silence and strange letters, his parent's disbelief and then how he had made contact with an underground group. At no time did he leave any names or places where they had met, not wishing to betray anyone if he was caught and his journal discovered. Finally, after many pages, she learned that it was – Simon! – who had infiltrated the complex and rescued River! Kaylee sat back and tried to recall the day she had first met him, the day she had been shot, and the events came back clear as a bell. She hadn't heard his story first hand or seen the cyro-chamber being open, and knew only in the secondary telling from Inara. She hadn't heard or seen anything because she was stretched out on the infirmary examining table, drifting in and out of consciousness, a dull throb in her belly from the wound caused by the lawman's bullet. She had awoken to see a beautiful young girl lying on the counter, wrapped in one of Inara's robes. Inara explained she was Simon's sister and had been in a cyro-chamber. But she never heard all the details until later and the crew seemed to believe Simon had hired someone to break River out of the complex.

Now, here it was in black and white, Simon confessing to being the one who had infiltrated and rescued her. She read on, learning how a ship had whisked them away from the complex, taken them to a countryside house, where Simon prepared River and placed her in the cyro-chamber. He had then shipped her cyro-chamber to Persephone and had followed on a separate ship, to avoid any connection to the chamber until he picked it up from his contact on Persephone. Simon complained about the amounts he had had to pay these people and about his money running out, his accounts blocked by the Alliance, his parents disowning him, having no contact with him these many months. And then…it was about her and Serenity and the events that followed.

"I haven't written for several days because of the extraordinary events that have recently taken place. I've fallen in with a group of rogue pirates it seems and while this may not be my idea of a safe place it seems to be better than I had hoped. They travel in an old rundown Firefly…"

Kaylee stopped reading, thought "Always with the insults to my lady. Why can't anyone see her as she is, a fine piece of lovely machinery." She put aside the thoughts and kept reading.

"…called Serenity which goes from place to place doing odd jobs, some legal, some not. But they keep moving and that is important for now. I need to throw the Alliance off the trail River and I left and this is the best way. Unfortunately, we are not alone and already there has been trouble, more than I've ever experience in such a short time in all my life. The first day was good. I meet the crew and other passengers and most seemed nice, especially the mechanic, a young girl named Kaylee. She is very cute, bright, and sunny and seems to have an unlimited reservoir of good will."

Cute! Oh, I knew he liked me the moment he saw me, she thought. Kaylee smiled as she remembered her first meeting with him.

"In fact, I booked my passage with her, originally planning to go to Boros, hoping to hide there, perhaps get work, maybe in some backwater town where there was no Alliance and no one cared where you come from as long as you could do your job. Boros had no special meaning except that was where this ship was heading and it seemed to be no better or worse than any other rim colony. There were two other passengers, a Shepherd named Book and a man called Dobson, who turned out to be a lawman tracking me and River. So much for my great plan of escape."

"The rest of the crew includes the Captain, Malcolm Reynolds and a tough lady who appears to be his second in command, Zoe, who is married to the pilot Wash. I think his real name is Hoban, but everyone calls him Wash. Why, hasn't been explained to me yet, if it ever will. Reynolds and Zoe were soldiers fighting for the Independents during the war. Reynolds has taken an instant dislike to me, has already struck me twice, which is two times more than I can ever remember being struck in my life, and has threatened my life. Strangely, it was he who suggested River and I stay on board, claiming he needs my services as a doctor for the various medical emergencies he and his people sometimes encounter during one of their 'jobs'. "

She felt a rush of sadness as she read about Book and Wash, no longer with them. Some days she felt so happy and then it all came back, how they had lost two of their nine, especially when she saw Zoe sad or when River was piloting the ship. Maybe the hurting would never stop. She returned to the story as Simon went on to describe the others.

"There is also a thug, called Jayne, whose job seems to be all about muscle and guns. He is crude and not very bright. He insulted Kaylee at dinner the first night. She seemed to be flirting with me and he made a crude joke about it. She was clearly ashamed and the Captain ordered Jayne to leave the table. Reynolds is very protective of his crew and Kaylee appears to be almost like a little sister to the others. As for Kaylee's flirting with me, it was perhaps just the newness of meeting someone different and the fact that she discovered I was a doctor. It's happened before."

Kaylee gave a little grunt of disgust, and thought "Happened before! God, he was so stupid! Of course I was flirting with him." She read on.

"Inara Serra, a high class Companion, rounds out the crew, although I wouldn't say she is a crew member as she lives in one of the shuttles and keeps much to herself. She is very striking and seems to be out of place with this ragtag band of rogues from the rim. They call her the Ambassador because sometimes she helps open certain doors for Reynolds' gang that might otherwise be closed to them. Why she is on this ship instead of a high class cruiser is beyond me."

A twinge of jealousy crept up from Kaylee's belly as she took in these words. She knew it was silly, because Simon was her man, but she always thought he was overly friendly with Inara. I wonder if she ever…but no that was also silly, because Simon was too straight to pay for it…but he does come from the Core, where sleeping with a Companion might be acceptable practice…she shook her head, no, he didn't because Inara was one of her dearest friends and she knew Inara wouldn't do that since Inara knew Kaylee had a crush on Simon since almost the day he step foot on the boat. Besides, Inara had a strict no relationship rule with the crew.

"The trouble began shortly after our evening meal the first day. I was checking on River's cyro-chamber in the cargo bay when Reynolds struck me for the first time and accused me of being a federal agent. As if anything could be farther from the truth! He soon learned his mistake as Dobson pulled a pistol on me and attempted to arrest me. In the ensuing argument Kaylee entered the cargo bay, Dobson panicked and shot her. Shepherd Book disarmed Dobson very efficiently for a Shepherd. At that moment I had to face one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and hope I never have to again. I had to choose between a patient's life and my and my sister's preservation."

"An Alliance cruiser tried to stop us and I forced the Captain to run by threatening not to help Kaylee. We ran, and I treated her wounds and she seems to be recovering nicely. I need to find a moment to apologize to her for that."

Kaylee held back a sniffle as she remembered his apology, about a week later, as he was changing her bandage. He was a so sweet, felt so bad about what he had done. She had forgiven him of course. After all, he had saved her life.

"The bullet, .25 caliber, had pierced her lower left qua…"

Kaylee skipped this part, a long description of her wound and treatment. She had the scar on her belly and that was enough reminder for the rest of her life.

"Reynolds opened the cyro-chamber and River emerged. She is in a very disturbed state now, and I gave some sedatives to calm her until she recovers from the aftereffects of the cyro-sleep. Then I had to explain my story to them and received my second punch from Reynolds as I accused him of helping the Alliance. Perhaps I should have known better, but after he threatened to throw me out of the airlock if Kaylee died I disregarded my own safety for a moment, which was selfish since I have River to consider also. At that point I had not realized that he or Zoe had been for the Independents or had fought in Serenity Valley, one of the more horrific battles of the war."

"The crew had already made plans to land on Whitefall and do a deal with someone there. I was not privy to those plans. It appears they are smugglers of a sort and ship goods clandestinely anywhere the money is. It was also at this point I discovered that Reavers are not a myth as we had a near brush with one of their ships. It followed us to Whitefall and only through Wash's superb piloting skills and Kaylee's ingenuity were we able to escape."

Kaylee felt some pride at these words, words of praise from him to her long before he even knew her at all.

"Before that, however, the lawman Dobson had escaped from where they had held him. He took River from the infirmary and attempted to leave the ship while we were on Whitefall. I tried to save her and managed to get his gun away from him and had a chance to kill him but…I'm not a killer."

Kaylee knew how tough he could be when it came to protecting River but he couldn't kill even in those circumstances.

"Reynolds killed him to my great surprise and they threw his body off the ship. After these incidents I once again had to patch up the crew. Shepherd Book had received a contusion to his forehead from Dobson; Zoe had severe chest bruising from a shotgun blast to her body armor, and the Captain had a bullet graze to his left upper triceps, although he refused to let me look at it. I slowly pieced together their story and it appears they were ambushed while making a deal and barely escaped. Or maybe it was they who did the ambushing. That point is not yet clear"

"Now we are on this ship, my sister and I. For how long I do not know. In a way, I am grateful to the crew of Serenity. Another captain might have already checked the Cortex and learned there is a substantial reward for us and turned us in. I still cannot trust them, with perhaps the exception of Book, Inara, and Kaylee. The others are a bit too mistrusting around strangers and leading the life they lead, I am not too surprised. I believe Jayne would turn us in in an instant. Reynolds, Zoe and Wash are a different matter. She calls Reynolds "sir" like they are back in the war. Wash seems to be totally smitten with her. I wonder why a pilot of his skills is here and she must be the answer. For that matter, Kaylee seems competent enough to also be on a better ship…."

She almost threw the journal at him but restrained herself, knowing that he had wrote this a year ago and he had come a long way since then. Kaylee never wanted to admit it but she knew Serenity did not look like much at first glance. It's only when you got to know her did you fall in love with her.

Her tummy rumbled a bit and she knew she should have eaten more for dinner. But it had been Simon's turn to cook and he was, well, kind of helpless in the kitchen. A cup of tea and a few biscuits would be nice. She wanted to read more and this might be her only chance. All feelings of guilt were gone as she desperately wanted to know more, especially about his feelings toward her as they started their rocky road to romance. She took the book and slowly left the room, headed upstairs, making sure no one was awake. Kaylee fixed herself some tea, grabbed a few biscuits and headed back down to the passenger lounge where she curled up on a sofa, sipped her tea, nibbled on a biscuit, and prepared to read a lot more.


	2. Chapter 2 The Train Job

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 2 – The Train Job**

Kaylee's tummy settled down after the second biscuit and she opened the red leather bound notebook again, hoping to finish before morning or before Simon awoke to find her missing and came looking for her. Sometimes she felt the ship shudder or groan in an unfamiliar way and she would awake with a start and rush off to the engine room. A few times he had followed her after a few minutes, groggily asking her what was wrong. She thought it would be difficult to explain that the ship had it's own sounds and rhythms but he understand very well, explaining that a patient was the same, the sound of their breathing, the heartbeat, the pulse, brainwaves, all had a peculiar pattern that if not correct, indicated something was wrong. They found this common ground bound them more tightly in that they were both specialists, although in totally different areas.

The ship was quiet now and Kaylee could relax, alone in the bowels of the vessel. The policy of not having a 24 hour watch had bothered her when she had first joined the ship, afraid something would go wrong as they all slept. But as she grew familiar with Serenity and her crew she began to trust them. Wash, and now River, had always set a proper course so they wouldn't run into a moon or asteroid field. She set the engines at a slower pace as they slept, giving them more time to response to an emergency or a proximity warning of another vessel.

The one time that failed was when Jubal Early had boarded the ship. The Capt'n suspected he had some sort of stealth device on his ship. He had also approached from directly behind in a very small vessel so that might have thrown off the proximity warning. Kaylee shuddered as she remembered the bounty hunter, the cold callous way he had asked if she had ever been raped, then forcing her to tell him where River was, then being tied up and then the fear that gripped her as she lay on the engine room floor until River managed to save them all.

Kaylee pushed these thoughts aside as she once more took up Simon's journal. After the events related to Dobson and her shooting he took up a lot of space describing River's reactions and his attempts to understand what had happened to her on Athenian Island. He knew she had undergone some kind of human behavior modification and that she suffered from some kind of psychosis. Then he began to describe Serenity. Kaylee cringed a bit, expecting the worst.

"Serenity is a Firefly class transport vessel. I'm not sure of its age but it seems to be older than me, perhaps even Shepherd Book, who I would hazard a guess is way past the mid-century point. But it's a very good design. The cargo bay dominates the lower level as can be expected in a transport vessel. They have various containers about, some empty, others with supplies for the ship. The forward air lock is located here and is not a place I have dared to approach yet. I have a deep fear of space which is ridiculous but not without reason. On my first journey off world as a teenager, an airlock malfunctioned and two passengers returning from a touristy space walk were sucked into the vacuum of space just as they removed their helmets of their space suits. My father and I were planning to go next but of course all such walks were cancelled in light of the accident. Since then I have a dread of airlocks and space. And now I am on a space ship."

It all made sense now, thought Kaylee. She never new these details but knew he had a fear of space.

"The infirmary is sparse, under equipped and under stocked, but useful and already has come in handy as I treated Kaylee and the other crew members who had been injured. Kaylee's wound has mostly healed although she still has some discomfort. I finally managed to apologize to her and she was very gracious."

Again, she remembered that moment, and felt perhaps then was when she really started to have more than a crush on him.

"I need to talk to Reynolds about getting more supplies. It also might be useful to have a store of plasma and whole blood for emergencies. Shepherd Book, River and I are settled in the passenger dorm rooms. They are sparse but comfortable. River often awakes with nightmares so I must comfort her, holding her in my arms rocking her gently until she drifts off again. She keeps mumbling about men with blue hands but won't tell me what it is about, even if she could remember. Sleep has been very elusive since we have come on board."

He was always so tired, still. Kaylee felt that they both needed a long vacation away from Serenity, somewhere by themselves. Then she felt a little guilty, forgetting about her new sister-in-law and best friend. Of course, they couldn't leave River behind.

"The crew sleeps in bunks below decks in the narrow hallway leading to the bridge. I have not been in one of them yet but they can't be much bigger than the passenger dorms. The dining room is nice, painted a warm yellow, with flowery designs Kaylee said she did. She also decorated the doorway outside her bunk and has some real talent."

Again Kaylee felt some pleasure at the mention of herself and her abilities. It was always nice to be complimented. The Capt'n had been wary when she had first took up brush and paint shortly after she had first come on board, but when she had finished he said "shiny" and gave her a little bonus after the next job. She had used that money to send her father a nice birthday present.

"River and I feel a little out of place at the dining table, not quite part of the crew, despite Reynolds saying I'm his medic. Jayne is cold and rude still and I've made no attempts to be friendly with him. Wash is talkative and we've had a few chats but he is often with Zoe or on the bridge. He has a great sense of humor, something Jayne could learn. Reynolds has been polite to River and I but he has a wary mistrust of us and this is not because of whom we are but of who he is. He lives a life on the edge of legality but I sense he really sees himself as the heroic noble type. I am too new to pry into his past but I suspect something happened during the war. As I've mentioned before, Inara, Book, and Kaylee have all accepted us and treat us with kindness and friendship, for which we are very grateful"

Kaylee hadn't really thought much on how they had fit in. It must have been hard for them, to come to Serenity as passengers, then having to stay and learn to be accepted. Kaylee remembered the feeling all too well, her first days on Serenity very strange as she learned she was the reason Bester got fired, as she struggled to learn everything about a Firefly, fearing the Capt'n would fire her too if she messed up. Gradually though she, as had Simon and River, learned all about the crew, learned what to say and what not to say, and finally became an accepted part of the family.

"The engine room is kind of a mess…."

She stopped, felling a little anger, but pressed on, hoping he'd say something nice.

"…its rusting and seems to be about to fall apart….'

No, I must keep reading!

"…yet it all works, thanks to Kaylee. She has made it her second home, has slung a hammock and often spends her quite moments in there."

A little smile came over her face. Of course it works!

Kaylee quickly read the next few parts, more about River's problems and Simon's worry about money.

"It finally ran out today. I approached Reynolds and told him I could no longer pay any money for passage. He then did something that surprised me. He reached into his pocket and handed back all the money I had paid him for the last few weeks. Said 'Doctor, let's just forget about that. Only reason I took your money cause I thought you would be leaving us. Seems you got no place else to go.' Or something to that effect. I asked him about a salary for being medic and he laughed a little, said when a job comes through, I'd get my share. How much we didn't discuss and I didn't what to push the point. Not that money has much value to River and I since we can't leave the ship."

Kaylee pondered this last and wondered what exactly his arraignment with the Capt'n was. Strangely, as his wife, she hadn't even thought of that. She'd be sure to find out in the morning and make sure she knew exactly how much money they had and were going to have from now on.

"Well, we've had more excited the past few days. A job did come up and it turned out to be another strange adventure with the crew of Serenity. Reynolds, Zoe and Jayne met a contact in a bar and ended up in a brawl of some sort. No serious injures but Reynolds made a strange comment about hitting people being fun. I ignored it, not having forgotten that he had struck me twice already. Seems he has forgotten. At first I didn't know all the details of their "job" but later I leaned they were hired by a man called Niska, who appears to be some sort of criminal master of this region of the 'verse. We docked at his Skyplex and Reynolds warned me to keep River in check while he was gone to meet Niska."

"And then we robbed a train. Not me specifically and in fact I wasn't of much use during the robbery, as Jayne made very clear. I was chatting with Kaylee in the cargo bay, asking what was going on, when he rudely interrupted."

That conversation had been a while ago, but Kaylee remembered because she had been so shy around him. She had called him Doctor and he had to tell her, again, to call him Simon.

"Kaylee seems a little shy around me…"

Ah! He did notice!

"…but at the same time she seems to be flirting…again. I don't know what to make of it. She's very cute, friendly, and optimistic, all of which I find attractive. Yet, I have no time or energy for any….for anything. Not with being a fugitive with a sister to care for."

And then she knew as she always suspected, that he had been interested in her, had noticed, but had forced himself to ignore her, for the sake of River. And perhaps for her sake. He had said since that time, that he had never wanted to drag her into his problems, but she loved him by that point and didn't care about any of that. After the Reaver fight and the deaths of Wash and Book, she only wanted to live and be loved and hold onto to him for as long as she could or the 'verse would allow.

"The job did not go well, and my services were needed to fix a bullet wound in, of all people, Jayne. Despite my distaste for this thug I did my job, perhaps a bit too well. Reynolds and Zoe were held by the police for questioning. While they were gone Jayne showed his true colors. The fear he has for Niska and his people was evident as was his desire to be in charge of the ship with the captain gone. I gave him an extra dosage of pain killer and he passed out finally, to the relief of the rest of us. Shepherd Book at this point showed that he knows more than a passing bit about criminals and criminal matters. His advice was well received and we planned to rescue the captain and Zoe by using the prestige of our Ambassador, Inara. Book presented the idea of Reynolds and Zoe being her indentured servants who had tried to escape from her service and steal her money. It worked very well. After she managed to bring back Reynolds and Zoe, a fight occurred in our cargo bay between Niska's people and our gang. We won."

We! Simon was nowhere near there! We won! Indeed! Well, Kaylee hadn't done much herself, hiding and shivering in fear with Inara behind some crates. Battle was not in her blood.

"In fact, I wasn't present but came on the scene a few short minutes after it ended with Shepherd Book. At this point I learned exactly what we had stolen: medicine badly needed by the people of this mining colony. Reynolds the noble thief returned the medicine to the miners. Later I learned that he tried to make a deal with Niska's men but the leader refused and Reynolds pushed him into the engine."

Kaylee felt nauseated when she remembered that. At their next stopover she was doing some maintenance when she found the dead man's boot still with the foot in it inside an engine part, wedged in tight. Kaylee refused to touch it and Jayne did the dirty work, tossing the foot into a nearby garbage receptacle without even flinching.

"Jayne hasn't said anything yet about my doping him but I'm waiting for it. Perhaps Reynolds warned him not to say anything. I'm not sure about their relationship but Jayne seems to fear the Captain. Would he cross Reynolds if given the chance? Perhaps. But Jayne strikes me more as the big bully type who caves in front of real bravery. And there is no denying, despite my feelings about him, that Reynolds is the real thing."

Kaylee's brain screamed in frustration. "What the hell was wrong with Simon? He was on the boat only a few weeks and he already had Jayne and the Capt'n and Book and Wash figured out but why did it take so long to figure me out?" Then again, she thought, Kaylee didn't have the key to understanding men any more than he had to understanding women.

She put down the notebook and finished the last of her tea. She stretched like a cat and a yawn escaped from her lips. She felt sleep tug at her mind but fought it off, hoping to finish the journal before morning came. Then she thought on what his reaction would be if he found her with it. He might be mad; in fact she was sure he would be. Yet, she was his wife now. No secrets. That was silly also. Married people always had secrets. She felt torn between continuing to read or not, but then pressed on ahead, curiosity winning over her feelings of guilt once again. Besides, the juicy parts about him and her were yet to come.


	3. Chapter 3 Bushwhacked

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 3 – Bushwhacked**

Another yawn escaped from Kaylee's mouth and she knew she'd have to go back to bed soon, despite her desire to read the entire journal before morning. She now figured that'd be impossible as she flipped through the numerous pages remaining. Just a little more she thought, hoping to catch more glimpses of how Simon saw her in those early weeks he and River had been aboard Serenity.

His ability to understand many of the crew so easily astonished her since he seemed to have trouble figuring her out forever. Then again, he had said he knew she was flirting with him and that he was attracted to her, but had no place in his life for a relationship or anything else. It was the figuring he was good at. The actual practice of courting a lady he was not so good at. At least with her.

Not that he had never had a girlfriend before. Since their serious relationship began they had both divulged their secrets of their past companions, including her tryst with Bester that had led to her getting her job on Serenity. He had laughed at the story and said he was glad the captain had discovered them because he probable never would have gotten to meet her if it hadn't happened the way it did. When Kaylee thought on it, the number of circumstances that led her to Simon and him to her was so long and complex that if one thing had not happened the way it had then they never would have met. Perhaps that is the way for most people who fall in love.

Kaylee knew about his past girlfriends and his one serious relationship that went sour because of his obsession with finding and helping River. She had been a daughter of a business associate of his father and they had flirted with the idea of marriage. As he began to worry more about River, she obviously had no interest in the matter and he realized she was looking for a man with standing, a man to latch onto to climb the ladder of Osiris high society, not a man to love. The relationship ended badly, with a lot of crying and a terrible scene in a restaurant. But he knew her heart well for not long after their breakup she had taken up with one his colleagues and they were married shortly before he left Osiris for the last time.

Maybe it was herself who was the one who had failed to recognize his troubled position. She was so infatuated with him she hadn't realized how tough his life was. Inara had set her straight a few times about this, but his seemingly lack of interest in her in those early days and his bumbling attempts at courtship later had made her so mad she sometimes had despaired if they would ever have a chance at a loving relationship. She began to read again, setting her mind to stay awake long enough to read at least ten more pages. He described the next few weeks of uneventful life on Serenity, sometimes missing whole days without writing, with the exception of notes about River. The one tone that came from this was his despair about River. She had good days and bad days, nightmares at times and other nights she slept peacefully. He started making a chart to show when she had nightmares, on which days and times, hoping to spot a pattern, and he recorded her words she spoke when she awoke. He even placed a recorder near her bed secretly, hoping to catch something if she spoke in her sleep. The result was more strings of words that had no meaning to him and which she could not explain. His attempts to examine and question her she resisted, hating to enter the infirmary or submit to his examinations. He needed to find a more advanced hospital or diagnostic equipment to examine her brain, but that was out of the question with the whole Alliance fed force looking for them.

"She has gone two days without an episode and it seems like a miracle at this point. But I need to take her somewhere else. There is not much I can do on Serenity. We have been aboard more than five weeks now and I wonder if it will be five more, five months, or five years. The blackness of space and the occasional planet viewed through the bridge or dining room windows or from the cargo bay ramp are all we see outside of these metal walls. It is very lonely and confining, at least for me. River at times seems to feel happy here, exploring the ship so I have trouble finding her. Today I found her on the bridge, sitting in the co-pilot's seat, chatting with Wash about space navigation and astrophysics like they were two students at a university on the Core. Wash was amazed her knowledge. I was not surprised at all."

Space navigation and astrophysics! Kaylee still felt a little self-conscious when River went on about something or she and Simon had a conversation she could not follow. Now, mention a Rutina 89 radon accelerator core engine and she could take it apart in her mind and put it back together again with ease. Kaylee was glad that River had showed an interest in Serenity and its mechanical workings since they had to repair the ship after the crash landing on Mr. Universe's little world. No one had ever been really interested in Kaylee's work until something broke.

"River is still an oddity to the crew, with them either very protective of her, like Book and Inara, or at times fearful, even hurtful, as Jayne is when he calls her crazy on occasion. 'Moon brain' is his nickname for River and the frustration I feel at being unable to deal with him makes my blood boil at times. Of all the crew, Kaylee is closest in age to River and they seem to get along."

Kaylee tried to be friendly with River in those early days and River had responded but she was so, "not there", I guess was the polite way to put it, that their friendship really didn't blossom until after River began taking the meds they had stolen from the hospital on Ariel. Of course Simon had masterminded that whole job. Wow, she thought, I'm married to a doctor and a criminal mastermind!

She then noticed another gap of two days in his journal entry. "Yesterday was a bad day, in many different ways. Jayne didn't forget about me doping him during our recent adventures with Niska and the train robbery. His chance for revenge came with a little joke he played on me. At the same time, River and I came very close to being taken by the Alliance and I truly learned how vicious the Reavers are. We were on our way to a small moon in the Greenleaf quadrant to drop off some cargo before moving on to Persephone when in a very deep part of space we chanced upon a derelict spacecraft. It happened while the crew was playing a form of old style basketball in the cargo bay. I then learned that Serenity has a proximity warning system that allows the bridge to be unoccupied at times. Prior to this I had a short conversation with Inara where she indicated in an off handed manner that she was running from something too. She never elaborated and I never asked."

Inara's secret past life was a topic of much interest to Kaylee and the rest of the crew. Despite their friendship, Kaylee never found out why she had left her home world of Sihon. Speculation ran from a broken heart from a love affair, banishment as some form of Companion Guild punishment for a past indiscretion, or perhaps some mysterious criminal activity she was involved in.

"Jayne's chance for revenge came when Reynolds and Zoe donned spacesuits and entered the derelict after we had attached Serenity to its airlock. I inadvertently divulged my fear of space to Jayne and he used it to his advantage. He told me the captain needed me on the derelict and that I should suit up. I did so, with much fumbling and a fear that I hadn't gotten it on quite right. I arrived on the bridge of the ship to discover Kaylee, Reynolds, Zoe and Jayne – without suits. Jayne's laughter let everyone in on the joke. Reynolds seemed slightly amused at the joke but admonished Jayne the same. Reynolds himself is not above telling a cruel joke as I learned after Kaylee was shot and he told me she was dead. Of course, she wasn't but I'm sure they had a good laugh at my expense."

A slight anger again rose through Kaylee's body as she remembered when she had found out about that not so funny joke. She overheard Jayne and Wash in the dining room talking about funny things that had happened on Serenity and they had said that was top of the list. She confronted them and Wash had finally told her the truth. She burned with anger then and gave the Capt'n a piece of her mind until he apologized. She couldn't stay mad at him for long, but that joke still didn't set well with her.

"To add to my embarrassment Kaylee informed me that I had placed the helmet on incorrectly. All my memories of the two people being killed in the airlock accident came back and I never in my life wanted to kill another person as much as Jayne at that moment."

Kaylee understood Simon well. Not that she wanted to kill Jayne, but he had a way of making comments at inappropriate times and was always looking for a way to hurt people, as if he had a sadistic streak in him. He had never fully accepted River and Simon as crew mates and even now, after all that had happened, she still wasn't sure he did.

"The ship had been abandoned, or so we thought at the time. There were no logical reasons for it. Kaylee and I went to the engine room to see if there were any useful parts for Serenity. With one glance Kaylee knew that there was nothing wrong with the engine and that had not been the reason the vessel had been abandoned."

It was running perfectly she remembered. They had taken a few parts, Simon helping her, and she felt close to him in the small space, enjoying his companion, glad he had come over from Serenity, even if it had been just a joke. And then they had heard the shots.

"…several shots came from another part of the ship. We went to see the trouble and discovered River had come over from Serenity. To say I was surprised and upset would be an understatement. Jayne had fired the shots at a survivor of the ship who had attacked him. We discovered him and Reynolds knocked him unconscious. Shortly thereafter Reynolds told us that he Zoe and River had discovered the dead bodies of the ship's crew and passengers hanging from the ceiling of a cargo bay. They had been killed by Reavers. The crew again expressed great fear of the Reavers and I fully understand why now after seeing the condition of the dead people. Jayne, Book, and I cut down the bodies and Book said some words over them. My faith in religion has been challenged these past years but I could not help but admire Book and his determination to see that these strangers were given a proper way to meet their God, if they had one."

And then Kaylee shut her eyes, as he filled several paragraphs describing the state of the bodies, what the Reavers had done, the doctor being a clinical professional, recording the trauma. Kaylee's memories of Reavers were of screams, gunfire, heart-pounding fear, and three darts striking her neck, a numbness spreading across her body, a deep dread of being about to be eaten alive.

She scanned quickly and got past that part, coming to his description of the survivor and his treatment. She scanned that also and then came to the part about the Alliance cruiser that had stopped them. There was no mentioned of the booby trap that Kaylee had disarmed because of course he didn't know about it until much later.

"Once again luck was against River and I as an Alliance cruiser just happened upon us as we returned to Serenity with some property we had 'liberated' from the derelict. I feared Reynolds would use us to get his way out of this jam and Jayne seemed all set to hand us over but Reynolds surprised me once again. His plan was to have River and I don spacesuits and crawl out the top airlock, which I did not like one bit. My fear of space was obvious again, to all this time. Jayne and Kaylee helped us put on the suits and Kaylee was very reassuring as she gave me instructions on what to do and how to operate the airlock. She also said that they wouldn't let them take us and that made me feel better than anything else."

The fear had been plain on his face as he had suited up. River, on the other hand, had seen it as another adventure and couldn't wait to go. Kaylee was glad her words had helped calm him. She and Jayne had raced back to the cargo bay and had just arrived in time when the Alliance came on board. The officer had then insulted Serenity and Kaylee was miffed to no end. It was the first time she had been pinched and her anger helped her to not give in to the case of nerves that was building. The officer that had interrogated her gave up after she wouldn't shut up about engines and ships and on and on about how nice Serenity was. He had wanted to know where we had any secret compartments, about Simon and River, about where we had been but she just ignored his questions.

"We crawled out of the airlock to the top of the ship and grasped some hand grips near the dining room windows. River's joy was obvious as I suppose was my fear. I knew Serenity's artificial gravity would keep us attached to the ship but the fear of falling off and drifting through endless space I could not shake. After about an hour I chanced returning to the ship after I noticed through the windows no more Alliance personnel. But I was too impatient and shortly after we returned Reynolds was led in by several Alliance soldiers. As related to me later, the survivor from the derelict had gone mad, cutting on his flesh to make him look like a Reaver. He had escaped from the Alliance ship, killed a soldier guarding Serenity, and killed one more just a few feet from where River and I were hiding. The urge to assist the injured soldier almost overwhelmed me but I could not, knowing they were looking for us. Reynolds once again showed his efficiency at killing as he dispatched the attacker."

Hmmm, thought Kaylee, Simon sure had a strange view of the Capt'n. He wasn't this cold-hearted killer Simon seemed to make him out to be. Earlier Simon had mentioned him as a "noble thief", which she guessed was a compliment of sorts. He still called him "Reynolds" or "captain" through the journal, a very formal way, as if he was an authority figure. I guess to Simon he was at that time. Then again, Kaylee herself still called him "Capt'n" despite knowing him these few years. And Zoe always called him "sir". Kaylee had never been in any army and knew nothing about them, but Simon wondered why she called him "sir" after he learned the Capt'n had only been a sergeant in the war and not an officer. Book said that perhaps he had been an officer temporarily during the war. Perhaps it was just Zoe's way since she had been a career soldier before the war.

"The Alliance officer, in view of the fact that Reynolds saved his life, decided to let us go, although he didn't let us keep the cargo from the derelict. I found myself thanking the crew for not saying anything about us, even to Jayne, who just grunted and walked away. It took some time to clean up the mess the Alliance had made of the ship but now things are back to normal."

Kaylee's eyes hung heavy after reading this last. He was so long winded at times! Oops, a bad thought about her man. Well, she was allowed some. No one's perfect. She stretched out her legs, adjusting her silk nightdress a bit as she did so. She loved this nightdress. It had been one of her bridal shower gifts from Inara, Zoe, and River. Simon loved it too and sometimes couldn't keep his hands off her when she wore it. In fact, she sometimes had to wait for him to leave the room to change clothes because he loved watching her dress and they would never get any work done if they were in bed all day. Not that that was bad, but they both had responsibilities too.

She laid the open book on her chest and closed her eyes for just a second. Her mind drifted back over the time since she had left home, the time on this ship, these people she had come to love and call family. It was not a perfect life but it was good enough for her, for now. The last thing she thought of as she drifted off to sleep was about Simon and his warm, wonderful smile.


	4. Chapter 4 Shindig

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 4 – Shindig**

"Kaylee, Kaylee!" His voice came from a distant part of her mind but she knew it was Simon and he didn't sound happy.

"Kaylee, wake up," he said and his voice sounded cold, none of the warmth and love he usually had for her. She didn't want to wake up, wanted to stay in this warm place, because she knew he had found her reading his journal, and he was mad. But there was no avoiding him, and she knew this had to be dealt with and it was all her own fault. She should have known better and should have put the journal away after she had realized what it was. Slowly she opened her eyes.

She was in bed, in their room, not on the sofa in the passenger lounge. As she tried to get her bearings she focused on Simon standing over her in a doctor's gown. Something wasn't quite right.

"Kaylee, I want a divorce," he said and his cold voice chilled her to the marrow of her bones. "You've invaded my privacy. I cannot forgive you."

"Simon! Wait! I can explain!" she cried as she sat up in the bed, her head spinning from all that was happening.

He didn't even look at her. "I'm late for the hospital. When I get back I want you and your things gone."

"Simon! I love you!" she cried.

"Then you shouldn't have read my journal. You've ruined everything," he said and walked out the door in his gown and with his doctor's bag in his hand.

She lay on the bed and cried and cried until she felt there were no more tears to be found in the 'verse and then she drifted off to sleep…

"Kaylee, Kaylee!" came the voice again, but this time it wasn't Simon. She opened her eyes and there was Mal, gently touching her shoulder.

She was on the sofa in the lounge and the red book was open across her chest. Mal stood over her.

"Hey, little Kaylee. What you doing here? You and the doc have a fight?" he asked.

Kaylee sat up quickly and the book fell to the floor. Mal reached to pick it up but she quickly grabbed it and held it to her chest. He stood back a little surprised at her reaction.

"No, Capt'n. Didn't fight…just got up to have some tea and fell asleep here I guess. What time is it?" she asked

"Morning, or would be morning if we had a sunrise and birds singing. About 7AM, ship's time…." Mal said but before he could finish Kaylee gave a little gasp and ran past him, to the passenger rooms.

She paused at their door, moving the book behind her back, then slowly she opened it a crack. Whew! He was still sleeping! She inched in slowly, tiptoed to the desk and put the book there.

"Morning," he said and she almost died of fright.

"I wasn't doing anything! Honest!" Kaylee let out before she released how stupid and guilty it made her feel and look.

"Ah, OK," he mumbled, confusion in his sleepy eyes. Simon's hair was tousled, his eyes squinting at her. Maybe he didn't notice, she thought. She walked over to him and gave him a little kiss.

"Morning dear, " she said. He grinned and yawn, Kaylee catching a slight whiff of morning breath. She wrinkled her nose and he smiled.

"Guess I should brush my teeth before I give you your good morning kiss," he said as he crawled out from under the covers.

"It's not that bad," she kidded and she kissed him anyway to make him feel better. It wasn't that bad and she loved kissing him…but not too much in the morning.

He stood, and stretched and looked at his desk, face a bit puzzled. Kaylee stood back and watched as he stepped to the desk and touched the journal which she had…forgotten to leave open! What if he remembered!

"Oh, thought I put this away last night," he said quietly.

"You fell asleep on the desk," Kaylee told him.

"Oh. Been working too hard," he said as he picked up the red notebook.

"What is it?" she asked hoping for him to let her in on the secret she already knew.

He turned and looked at her, his face pondering something. She waited, wondering if he suspected she had already been reading it. Kaylee couldn't stand a fight with him, not with her nightmare still so vivid.

"Kaylee, sit down please," he said very formally, his tone quite serious. She grew more apprehensive as she sat on the bed and he slid the chair over to sit facing her. And then he…handed her the notebook!

"I'm not sure why, but I think it's time you knew some things about me," he began, as Kaylee could hardly believe her ears. "I've been thinking about this since our wedding day. We've known each other for more than a year, have had our ups and downs, and finally found each other through a lot of misunderstanding, pain, and heartache. I love you and I know you love me. We are husband and wife now and have a long life ahead of us, the 'verse and God willing. And I don't want any secrets. Secrets and lies destroy marriages and break hearts. My parents always had secrets from each other, my father never letting mother know about his business, my mother had, well, she turned to another man for a brief time when my father was so cold and distant."

"Oh, Simon, that must have been terrible for you," Kaylee said, genuinely concerned, not worried anymore about the notebook.

"It was not surprising" he started. "I mean, yes I was surprised my mother had an affair, but I wasn't totally shocked. I don't think my parents had slept together for more than a year before it happened. I was in medical school so I don't know all the details and I don't think River ever knew. They patched things up and father became more of a husband but then…the things with River happened."

Kaylee silently waited for him to continue as he paused for a long time.

"This book…this book…are my notes about trying to save River…and about what we've experienced since…coming on board Serenity, "he said. " And I want you to read it."

Nothing could have shocked Kaylee more. "Why?" she stammered, her feelings of guilt at lying to Simon overcome by her surprise.

"Because I don't want any secrets from you. I don't want us to be destroyed because of anymore misunderstandings. I don't want to lose you," he said and she thought he might even cry for a second.

They wrapped themselves in a big hug as she told him she loved him and would never leave him no matter what. He looked in her eyes.

"Please read this first, before you make such promises. There are things I wrote…about you…and Serenity, about the others," he started. "And things about us, our relationship. Just remember that when I wrote those things I was…a different person."

Kaylee didn't know what to say. If she told him the truth, that she had already started reading it, she thought she might cause a riff in their relationship. He was so vulnerable, his story about his parents breaking her heart. She had never met them except in a secret wave they had arraigned on the wedding day. The Alliance, despite the Operative's aid after the Reaver fight, was still out there looking for Simon and River. His father had been very formal and stiff, welcoming her to the family but very unhappy that he couldn't be the one to produce their wedding day, a splashy affair to impress his friends on Osiris. Regan Tam had been more warmhearted but also a little aloof, welcoming her as a daughter, but Kaylee felt that it was a way of not losing face, since their son was not going to change his mind about marrying her. Kaylee couldn't help but feel that they looked down on her, a fresh faced girl from the Rim, and in a very unladylike profession at that! Oh to hell with them…oh, she had to control those thoughts about his parents!

"Simon, if you don't want me to read it I won't, "she offered, desperately hoping he'd refuse.

"Kaylee, it's because I love you that I want you to read it. I don't want you to find it some day, read it and then get all mad at me…"

"Oh, I wouldn't be mad!"

"You haven't read it yet," he said quietly.

"It can't be all that bad' she offered, knowing already that in a few places her blood had boiled at his comments about Serenity and the jealousy she felt when he described Inara.

"It is, in places. Well, the decision is yours," he finally compromised, taking the book from her. "I won't force you. It'll be on the desk so don't feel you have to hide if you want to read it. Just two things: don't take it out of the room and don't tell the others, not even Inara. I'm not sure they would understand."

"Don't worry, I won't," she promised, already knowing she had broken that promise the night before. And he stood up as Kaylee got the funny feeling he already knew she had begun to read it. But no, he couldn't know. Could he?

Simon placed the book on the desk and then got his toothbrush, shaving gear and towel and headed for the bathroom off the passenger lounge. Kaylee knew she was going to read it the first chance she got but she had to pretend to be not too excited about it. The day was routine for Serenity, still on a five day journey to delivery a load of high quality food stuffs to some bigwigs on Persephone. Kaylee was reminded of her time at that ball there and knew it was coming up in Simon's journal. She wished now he had been the one to have taken her there. At least he wouldn't have punched out one of Persephone's upper class like the Capt'n had.

She finally found a free moment after lunch when Simon was taking inventory in the infirmary and there was nothing that needed to be fixed or tweaked. She had a cup of tea with Inara in her shuttle but cut the visit short, claiming she needed a rest. Inara knew something was up but didn't press her on it. The journal was still on the desk and she picked it up and placed it on the bed, took off her work boots, unzipped and jumped out of her overalls and curled up on the bed in just her flowery t-shirt and underwear, ready to read a good chunk. She made sure she kept a finger in the pages near the front in case Simon came in. Telling lies, even small fibs, was something Kaylee had rarely done and it was already giving her headaches thinking of how she was going to handle this. She knew she would tell him the truth, but just not yet.

The journal continued in the same tone after their encounter with the derelict ship and the Alliance inspection. Days were skipped and most of the information was about River and his methods to help her, none of which worked. There were few comments about the crew, with the exception of his continued dislike for Jayne and his terse remarks about the Capt'n. She was a bit miffed that he never mentioned her name for many pages. Thankfully, though, he had little else to say about Serenity for the moment, cause most of what he had said so far hadn't been to her liking. And then it was about Persephone and their encounter with Badger and his gang.

"We have returned to Persephone much to my dislike. When I heard it was to be our destination I asked Reynolds not to land there since this was where River and I had been tracked by Dobson. I worried that other lawmen or Alliance agents might be seeking us. He assured me that we were only staying briefly to get supplies and allow Inara to see some clients and that River and I would stay on board and no one would even see us. Well, I am suspecting that the captain's plans usually don't go as planned as this one certainly didn't."

Well, Kaylee couldn't disagree with that statement. Capt'n usually had a plan, but often it went sour. The good thing though was that it was kind of like normal for them so they had lots of experience thinking on their feet and getting out of tight jams.

"The crew left Book, River, and I aboard as they went shopping. Inara also remained to prepare to attend a society ball as an escort to a gentleman of Persephone's elite society. That much I learned by accident as I caught the end of a brief conversation Kaylee and Inara had in the passenger lounge."

Ah ha! He was eavesdropping!

"I normally wouldn't comment on Inara's activities as a Companion but the idea of a ball and dancing struck me as wonderful and I couldn't but help feel a little jealous of the gentleman she would accompany." And again the anger and jealousy swirled in Kaylee's tummy as she forced back dark thoughts about Inara and forced herself to read on.

"But just the dancing part. The other "activities" she is involved in do not in the least bit interest me as I find it demeaning to have to pay for love. While it is quite normal in the Core for young men to lose their virginity to Companions I declined my father's offer and shocked him by saying it was too late. It hadn't been at that time but it was soon after so the subject never came up again."

My, my, he was quite the prude! And she was glad. She knew the whole story about his first time, after his high school graduation and prom with a girl he had been dating. She wasn't jealous of her because Kaylee had never met her and had already forgotten her name. And she knew she wasn't jealous of Inara. Simon had just wanted to go dancing and that didn't surprise her because he had danced so well at their wedding and didn't want to stop all night. He and River had both outshone everyone at the wedding reception and when they had danced together it had been a marvel to see, the product of years of lessons with expensive instructors on Osiris.

"While they were gone I managed to get River to have some fun for a short time by practicing dancing in the cargo bay. She smiled and the effort was worth it. A short time later Kaylee, Wash, and Zoe returned to the ship and Kaylee seemed very upset about something. She barely said hello to me and River and stormed off to the engine room. I got the whole story from Wash as we unloaded the supplies. It appears that Reynolds insulted her when she had been admiring some dresses in a store window."

Insulted was not the word. He had been downright mean and he knew it. Sometimes he was just a mean old man as he had once called himself. Kaylee had been stung by his remarks comparing her wearing a dress in the engine room with a sheep walking on its hind legs. She wanted to feel like a lady sometimes. Money was for supplies and fuel and repairs, and what was left was given to the crew based on their agreement with the Capt'n. Sometimes there wasn't enough for pay, only for what the boat needed. A beautiful dress like she had seen in the window was out of reach for Kaylee and the fact that she had no one to wear it for at the time made his remakes sting twice as hard. Simon had barely even noticed her, despite his remarks about her flirting with him and him being attracted to her.

"When the captain and Jayne returned they were excited about a job they had gotten from a man called Badger. Reynolds had arrived with a pink dress and handbag and asked me to put them in an empty passenger room. A short while later Kaylee appeared and the look on her face when she saw the dress was pure joy."

Joy was not the word! She had been so happy and forgave him even after he explained that Badger had bought the dress and that it was for work.

"Kaylee raced off to get cleaned up as Reynolds again asked me for help. He brought me to his quarters and showed me two suits he owned and asked which would be better for a society ball. I thought neither was but didn't say so and picked the more modern one. As we waited for Kaylee to get ready in the passenger dorm, I helped Reynolds fix his tie properly and gave him a few pointers on some dance steps. And then Kaylee appeared. She was absolutely stunning and I thought…"

Oh, I knew he liked me in that dress! His jaw had dropped when he seen her and he had said "wow".

"…she is so beautiful. I never realized before. I guess I always saw Kaylee as a kind of a tomboy…"

Oh, brother!

"…but now I see she is a woman, not just a woman, but a lady. Her hair was pulled back and up, she had some light cosmetics on and a pink ribbon in her hair."

Kaylee squealed with delight as she read this, seeing the first time he noticed her as more than a grease splattered mechanic. And then, typical for old Simon, he ruined it.

"But the dress, while nice, wasn't very fashionable. I didn't want to say anything that would hurt Kaylee's feelings but I was afraid someone might notice that she and the captain didn't quite fit in at the ball."

Anger welled up in her throat but she forced it down. She had loved that dress! Not fashionable! But he was right and she knew it. Those four girls had said something about her dress looking like it was bought in a store window. They had been…well, bitches!…was the only cuss word she could think of for them and it sounded better in English than Chinese that's for sure! That older man, he sure put that one in her place after she had insulted Kaylee. It had been the highlight of the night for her. Well, except for the punching that came later.

"After the captain and Kaylee left I found myself playing cards with Jayne and Book. This was my first opportunity for any kind of social interaction with Jayne and I surprised him by showing I was a keen and competent card player. He didn't even insult me or River for over an hour and it was good. Since we were short of cash we bet ship's chores as a wager. Unfortunately while we were playing River had an episode and I had to leave the game for a while until she fell asleep in the passenger dorm. I suspect Jayne was cheating while I was gone but could prove nothing so said nothing. A short time later disaster struck and I feared River and I would be exposed once again.'

"Badger made an appearance to tell us the captain got into some trouble at the ball. He had stuck a member of Persephone's elite society, who it turned out was Inara's gentleman client. I don't know if this fact that he was Inara's client caused the captain to strike him but in my experience it takes very little for Reynolds to hit someone. The captain was forced to remain to fight a duel with this man in the morning. The duel would be with swords and Reynolds, while good with many weapons, had little experience with a sword. When Book and I suggested we rescue the captain Badger's gang appeared with Kaylee as their prisoner."

Well, prisoner wasn't exactly the right word. The captain had asked one of the men at the ball to escort her home and after the man had left Badger and his gang had snuck up on her outside of Serenity. They didn't hurt her or even lay hands on her, but they were threatening.

"We then spent a very tiring and stressful night with Badger's gang in control of our ship. They allowed Kaylee to change her clothes and Book went to the kitchen with one of them to prepare some food, but otherwise they would not let us leave the cargo bay. We tried to pass the time playing cards but no one could keep their mind on the game. Kaylee had been sitting next to me and her nearness and the smell of her perfume was also distracting me."

Oh, that had been a nice smell, something Zoe gave her, since she had none of her own. And he noticed!

"We tried to plan an escape but nothing seemed to be a good idea. Then we all got quite the shock as River woke up and appeared in the cargo bay. Badger, who is from Dayton Colony and has an unusually accent, noticed River as I tried to get her to go back to her room. The shock came as River began speaking in an accent exactly like Badger's and seemed to know things about him she couldn't. He appeared very uncomfortable and didn't even try to sop her form returning to the passenger dorms."

Kaylee and the others, without Simon, had talked on that moment later and the consensus was that River had overheard Badger talking but then no one could remember if he had been talking before she appeared and how could she know those things about him even if they had been true.

"River's ability to read minds…."

Oh, my, God….and she put down the book, unbelieving what she had just read and then as quickly picked it up again, wanting to know more.

"…was possibly revealed to the crew. I'm not sure how well she can do it or can do it with every one but the information the underground movement secured for me suggests that this was the reason the Alliance was so interested in her. If the crew suspects River can read minds I will have to deny it as best I can."

He had been lying all that time! He knew she could read minds! Oh, that devil! Oops, again careful with thoughts about my husband! Then again, he was right not to tell them. When they found out much later it had been very awkward. River had suffered enough and Simon was right to protect her in anyway he could.

"Our plans for an attack on Badger's gang came to nothing as the captain and Inara returned just after dawn. Reynolds had won his duel, but suffered several sword wounds, including a very deep one just above his right hip. It required a lot of stitches and he had lost a lot of blood but will mend well I'm sure, with a scar to remind him not to punch a man until you know who he is and what he is capable of."

Kaylee still cringed when she remembered the Capt'n limping on board with Inara's help, his shirt bloody from the sword fight.

"And all of this was so we could get a cargo of…cows. Steers to be exact, beef on the hoof. Now our cargo bay is full of them and the smell is overpowering. And this is only the first day of a three-week journey to Jingyang. We are all taking turns feeding and cleaning the cows except River, who seems to have no interest in them so far. Besides she is the only one on board who does not have specific job or is expected to do anything. Perhaps I should change that and get Reynolds to give her some tasks, minor ones at first."

"I feared that Badger or one his men might have recognize River or me from our wanted notices on the Cortex but my fears were for naught. The reward for us is now up to 200,000 credits and a man like Badger would not hesitate for a second to turn us in. I heaved a sigh of relief when we finally left Persephone."

Kaylee did a start as Simon entered the room just as she finished the last page.

"I see you decided to read it. Good," he said as he came over and sat on the bed. "So, anything you want to ask me?'

"Simon, did you really rescue River from that island?" she asked, awe in her voice.

He blushed a little, before saying, "Ah, yes."

"We always thought you paid someone to do that," she told him.

Simon thought for a second. "Well, you weren't there but what I said wasn't exactly a lie, more of an omission. I said they had helped me rescue her, which was the truth. But in fact I was the one who entered the complex and freed her."

And Kaylee gave him a big hug and kiss saying over and over how brave he was and then getting a little mad saying he could have been killed and she never would have met him and then finally just kissing him and allowing him to slowly push her down on the bed as they both hastily threw off their clothes and got under the covers for a mad moment of passionate love in the afternoon.


	5. Chapter 5 Safe

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 5 – Safe**

"Secret and lies destroy marriages and break hearts." Simon's words echoed in Kaylee's mind as she lay with her head upon his chest. Their love making had been brief but passionate and both lay for a long time in silence enjoying the pleasure of each other's body. She could hear his heart thumping away, gradually slowing as the excitement and exertions subsided. He gently stroked her hair, running his fingers through it, feeling its silky texture. She felt like purring like a cat when he did that at times. But the guilt of her lies was eating away at Kaylee and she couldn't stand it any longer.

She sat up on one elbow and looked at him. She was so afraid to make him angry but knew it had to be done. If she couldn't confess to one small lie and he not take it in stride then their marriage didn't have much hope, did it?

"Simon, I have to tell you something and I don't want you to get mad. Promise me," she said with a slight quiver in her voice.

"Well, I can't promise until I know what it is," he teased and then realized she wasn't kidding when she gave a little sigh of frustration. His eyes turned to her and he was growing concerned

"OK, OK, I promise," he said, more serious. "Whatever it is you can tell me."

She wanted to start slowly but then it all came out in a rush and she couldn't stop herself. "I'm so stupid, I never should have done it, but...I couldn't help myself.'

"What? What have you done?"

She gulped and then plunged ahead. "I told you…a small lie."

He leaned toward her, his face very intent now as he waited for her to continue.

"A small lie…about what?"

"Your journal," she finally said and there, it was out.

"My journal?" He was puzzled and then understanding dawned on him. "Oh. You've seen it before, haven't you?"

Her eyes were quivering, ready to burst into tears if he got mad. "Just once. Last night. After you fell asleep. It was open and…oh, I just read one bit, and then..."

"Curiosity," was all he said and he lay back and stared at the ceiling and said nothing.

"Simon. I'm so sorry," said managed to get out, her voice choked with emotion.

He let out a big sigh. "It's what I was afraid of. That you would find it and read it and it would cause trouble."

"I know. And then this morning, the lies just started to pile up, and I didn't know when to stop and…and…I can't stand it anymore."

He turned on his side and gazed at her. "Now do you know why I wanted you to read it," he started, his voice calm, not angry or cold, but calm, as if he was explaining a lesson to a student. "Lies destroy relationships, Kaylee."

He paused for a while to let that sink in. She so wanted him to forgive her and she couldn't stand the tension.

"You're not…mad, are you?"

"No. Disappointed you didn't tell me this morning. But not mad. Not at the woman I love," and he leaned over and gave her a small kiss and she never thought a kiss felt so warm and loving in all her life. A tear came to one eye and he brushed it away and wrapped his arms around her.

"How much did you read?" he finally asked.

"Ah, quite a bit last night and more this morning. Up to the point where we got the cows."

"Wow. That is a lot. So you know…I mean…you know things about me and you?

"Like you knew I was flirting with you, but couldn't do anything about it?"

"Yeah, like that."

She gave small giggle. "You weren't very bright about all that. But I understand. You had bigger things on your mind."

"Hard to believe it was only a year ago. So much has happened," he said. "I felt so lost at that time. What with River and the Alliance and dealing with Jayne's bullying and not knowing if Mal…"

"You mean Reynolds?" she teased.

"Yeah, Reynolds. I called him that though most of the journal, didn't I?"

"How come? You used everyone else's first name. Well, 'cept Book cause I guess you didn't know it, like the rest of us. At that time."

"Well, I didn't know if he'd kick us off or not. And he was so…authoritative. It didn't feel right to call him Mal. To tell the truth, I didn't really like him."

"You sure read him wrong. Capt'n's good people."

"I know that now, but then…I didn't know any of you."

"We thought you were kinda snobbish,"

He looked at her in shock. "What? Snobbish!"

"Sure. Don't tell me you weren't. What with your fancy clothes, education, important doctor's airs…"

"Well, I guess I was a bit. But that's who I was," he said.

"Yeah, all 'appropriate'," she teased again and was starting to enjoy this.

"Not that again!" he sighed. "It's just…who I was. And still am, a bit. Maybe a lot."

"I know. Guess a little tomboy mechanic with grease on her nose wasn't much of a catch for you, huh?" she teased once more and all her fears of confessing to Simon were disappearing.

"Now that's not fair. I did marry you, you know."

"You didn't even see me for so long," she said, in a quiet voice, remembering the times he seemed like he was looking straight through her.

"Oh Kaylee, I saw you every day. Times you filled my thoughts were many in those days. And sometimes my heart was torn in two. I knew you were attracted to me. I'm not that stupid when it comes to women, despite my many faults in that area. You know what a position I was in. When I saw you in that pink dress…"

"That wasn't fashionable enough."

"OK, so I'm a snob, but you were so...just so beautiful. I was so jealous of Mal. I wanted to be the one to take you to the ball."

She beamed at him "So did I."

"We finally dance on our wedding day so that more than made up for it," he said.

"And the wedding night more than made up for all those missed chances," she added.

"Not nearly enough," he said and they both leaned in for another kiss when a knock came to their door. Simon sat up and Kaylee shook her head "no" but he had to answer, and she knew it.

Simon shrugged as Kaylee fell back with a look of anger. "Yes?" Simon asked through the closed door.

It was Jayne of all people. "Hey, Doc. You got a moment. My shoulder's acting up again."

"Yes. Meet me in the infirmary in five minutes."

"Gotcha," said Jayne.

Simon looked at Kaylee. "Sorry. Duty calls."

Kaylee nodded. "I know. Tell him to stop lifting weights without help."

"I've told him. That bullet wound shouldn't be still bothering him but he won't give it a chance."

"Come back fast as you can. I'll be waiting."

He got up and started to dress. She lay on the bed and watched him, smiling.

"What?" he asked.

"Now Doctor, you enjoy watching me dress, I can do the same, can't I?"

"Sure. But I'd rather watch you undress," he said and then grinned as he left the room.

Kaylee lay back and stretched and felt like the happiest girl in the whole wide 'verse. Confession was good for the soul. Kaylee wasn't much on religion but she did believe in a God and knew that he worked in mysterious ways. She promised herself then and there she'd never tell another lie in her whole life. Well, least not to Simon.

She looked at the floor and saw the journal where it had been unceremoniously deposited in their mad excitement to be shed of their clothes. Picking it up, she noticed something in the back cover, a torn corner. She sat up and wrapped the blankets around her body as she examined it. Slowly she saw that a whole section of the inside back cover was loose, a slit in the thick backing paper. She reached in and took out some paper and a photograph.

The photo was of Simon, River and their parents. Simon and River were younger, River almost a child. It was taken in a lush living room in front of a fireplace and Kaylee could only surmise it was the Tam residence. She looked at the back and Simon had written. "River's last day at home." And she knew it was the day they took her to the Academy. And her heart almost melted as she realized this was the last day Simon saw River as the sister he had grown up with for fourteen years. When he finally saw her again three years later she was changed, perhaps forever.

The paper turned out to be Simon's medical degree. He told her the Alliance had probably already revoked his license to practice and that he could be sued by anyone he treated. But she knew he had hopes to be a practicing doctor again, somewhere, anywhere, and this piece of paper was his proof that he was a trained physician. They had already talked about leaving Serenity and finding a small quiet town on some rim colony that would appreciate a doctor and not care if his credentials were perfect or not long as he could do the job. And all of that reminded Kaylee about what happened to Simon and River on Jiangyin when they were kidnapped.

She replaced the photo and his degree and turned back to where she had left off. Oh, those cows! They had driven most of the crew mad over the next few weeks. Simon spent a few paragraphs describing how they had to feed and clean up their "mess" and the complaining everyone did, but not when the Capt'n was around. He was happy, with cargo in the hold, well, as happy as could be as he was still mending from his sword wounds.

"Reynolds doesn't want to follow doctor's orders and I had to re-stitch one of his wounds today as he decided to lend a hand in the cargo bay and started to pitch some hay before Book noticed he was bleeding. He seems to know his cows though, and Wash said he believed the captain had been a rancher at some point in his life, perhaps before the war. Wash doesn't know much about Reynolds. Despite being married to him, Zoe did not reveal things to Wash she knows about the captain. The military bond seems to be stronger than the bonds of love. Or perhaps Zoe just isn't the gossipy type. She is terse and not much for small talk. The few conversations I've had with her were related to medical matters only. I know she has a warm heart because I see her laughing and joking with Wash, but she is reserved around River and I. I suspect that she really doesn't want us here and perhaps thinks we'll be gone soon, so maybe she doesn't want to make friends."

Kaylee thought that was bit unfair. Zoe was a wonderful person…once she let her guard down. Kaylee had been through the same with her, getting her to open up and be friendlier. Wash – poor Wash! – had explained that once Zoe told him she didn't make friends easily cause in the war friends had a way of dying. In fact, Wash thought, but never said to her, that her "siring" of the Capt'n was her way of maintaining a relationship based on order, not friendship. But Zoe and the Capt'n were more than friends and trusted each other with their lives. It was a bond that neither Wash nor Kaylee ever understood completely.

She returned to the journal and noticed a gap of three days, an unusually long gap. But of course, Simon had been missing from Serenity for most of one of those days and perhaps had been not up to writing anything. She sure didn't blame him after what had happened. Kaylee grew intensely curious because all the details of that day were still not known to her so she continued to read.

"Through extraordinary circumstances am I able to continue his journal. River and I came close to death a few days ago and only through a miracle did we survive. That that miracle was Captain Reynolds and his crew makes me feel more obligated to them than to anyone else in the 'verse at this moment. This makes my feelings for him only a half day earlier all the more confusing."

"We arrived on Jiangyin to deliver our cows. As we were landing River had a bad episode in the passenger lounge and Reynolds was angry, rude, and condescending toward me, worried more about his cows stampeding because of River's shouting than about her. I got the immediate impression that we were more expendable than his cargo and I felt waves of anger and frustration at being unable to do anything about it."

Kaylee hadn't heard about that before. She knew Simon was overprotective of River in those days but he had to be. And the Capt'n had to worry about cargo and keeping his crew fed and his ship running. But she also knew he took things too far sometimes and didn't see others if they got in the way of his business. It was his one failing in her eyes.

"Once we landed the crew set up a kind of corral and the cows were released. River again became the object of Reynolds attention as she sat with the cows. She wasn't hurting anything but he had business to take care of and wanted us gone. In not so subtle terms he told us to take a walk, promising to not leave without us. Later when he did leave without us I thought it had all been a set up to get rid of us. Only later did I know the truth."

The truth was that Book had been shot and they had to leave. Course, Simon didn't know that at the time.

"River and I walked for about ten minutes and came to a small one road town with one shop. As we entered I could hear Kaylee and Inara talking about…."

Oh, my God, he'd overheard her!

"…something but I'm not sure exactly what it was.."

And Kaylee heaved a sign of relief and then remembered that that was in the past and she had just made love to Simon so she was just being silly. Still…

"Kaylee seemed a little flustered so perhaps they had been talking about River and I. And then I did something so stupid it is beyond words. I insulted Kaylee and put my foot so far down my throat I didn't think she'd ever forgive me. I was trying to keep an eye on River and was so distracted and frazzled that when Kaylee said I should have some fun I just lost it. Somewhere in a long burst of venom I called Serenity junk and she took it very personal and even said that I couldn't think much of the people that choose to live the life they lead."

His words had felt someone had kicked her in the stomach and it was the first of many stumbles in their long road to happiness. He was so snobbish in those days. It was bad enough that he called the decorative plate she wanted to buy him crap but then to insult Serenity and her and the others by implication was too much. She burned with anger and had to leave before she did something or said something she'd regret. On the walk back to Serenity Inara had tried to stick up for Simon, explaining that he was under a lot of stress. She still liked him and then when he apologized later she had forgiven him.

"I just managed to apologize for that incident and I think she has forgiven me. She is the one person on this ship that has taken River and I wholeheartedly as one of them and to do what I did was so stupid."

"Unfortunately, while I was occupied in my tactless discussion with Kaylee, River managed to slip out of the store. I followed her and found her dancing at a gazebo that was set up in a field. She was so happy I just let her dance. I hadn't seen her smile in weeks and so I was distracted and did not see the three men who slipped up behind me and put a bag over my head."

Kaylee shuddered as she thought how terrifying that must have been for Simon. She never knew that detail and couldn't image what it had been like.

"As they dragged me away, one of them called me doctor. How they knew I was a doctor I don't know, but could only guess they had overheard someone calling me that while we had unloaded the cows. After we walked for a while, they removed the bag from my head and I realized we were in a forest. And then River appeared. She though it was a game and had found me but they grabbed her, too. I still had hopes of a rescue from the crew but as I saw Serenity rise in the air over the trees my heart sank and I felt we had been tricked by Reynolds and abandoned on purpose."

Poor Simon! They had left them there but she didn't know he had seen the ship leave. Kaylee had missed the gunfight at the corral, being in the engine room checking things, but heard a commotion as Jayne came in shouting for a stretcher. She ran down to the medical bay and out to the cargo bay as they brought Book in. Kaylee wasn't much good to them as she let her fears overcome her as Book lay on the stable. The Capt'n's steady voice and calm manner radiated to them all as they took care of Book. When Wash had returned from town without Simon she couldn't believe it. And then the Capt'n closed the doors and ordered Wash to take off. Kaylee felt like something was ripped from her heart as those doors closed and there was no Simon and River. All what he said at the store was forgotten as she feared she would never see him again.

"We were taken to a small village of rundown buildings and dusty streets. I think their main business was mining of a sort up in the hills. The people were a mix of races and ages and all had a deep sense of desperation about them. Their clothes were worn as were their faces and bodies. As soon as they found out I was a doctor, their eyes lit up with joy and a few prayers were given. I sensed a very strong religious streak in the people and I was not wrong. River and I were taken to a small house that held their meager medical facilities. I began to work immediately with a young woman named Doralee, who also said she was the town teacher."

Doralee? Simon had mentioned her to the crew as the one who thought River was a witch because...she could read minds! Simon had had a hard time explaining why they had tied River to a stake and wanted to burn her and so I guess he finally told them that the town's folk were superstitious and thought River could read minds. That was the crew's first real idea about River and her abilities but Simon had made it all seem so silly that most of them had dismissed it from their minds. Kaylee continued to want to know more about River and mind reading.

"During this time River had one of her more lucid periods. We had a long talk and ate some hodge berries she had found and it felt like we were back home again. Briefly. She told me she knew I had sacrificed so much for her. While true, I did not want her to feel bad about that and told her she was everything in the 'verse to me. In reality, as I looked at the injured and sick people I felt more useful than I had in the time I'd been on Serenity. Doralee told us there was a house put aside for a doctor, and for a few minutes I thought this wasn't so bad. A house, a place for River and me to be safe, even for a little while, had some appeal to it. And Serenity was gone as far as I knew. My only regret was that Kaylee was gone too…."

That was so nice! To think of me at a time like that!

"..and that I wouldn't have a chance to apologize for what I had said."

Was that the only reason? Well, it's enough I guess.

"My thoughts of escaping when night came started to fade. And then the trouble started. River related the story of one of the young children who was in the hospital. The girl was mute and Doralee had thought River found a way to make her speak. When River confessed that she hadn't spoken, Doralee immediately accused River of being a witch. She ran to wake the others before I could stop her."

"They dragged River to a stake and set firewood about her. I'm guessing burning at the stake is a common punishment around here as they had a place all ready and knew what they were doing. I write this in a lighthearted manner now but at the time I was terrified beyond words. I fought like a cornered rat and when they had beaten me and refused to let River go I knew I had to make the only decision possible. If I could not live with River in this world, I would join her in the next."

He…deliberately joined her! They hadn't wanted to kill Simon! They needed him, a doctor! God, he was willing to be …burned to death! …with River! Kaylee's stomach got queasy at the thought, her fear of fire manifest into larger than life nightmares since the explosion in Serenity's engine room that had almost killed them all. She could still see that ball of fire racing toward her down the aft hall, her legs paralyzed, unable to move, and then two strong arms shoved her across the room and Zoe took the full brunt of the blast, almost killing her. It surely would have killed Kaylee, who was a fragile leaf compared to Zoe's strength. She had thanked Zoe later and Zoe had shrugged it off as if it was nothing. Kaylee couldn't have done it. But Simon was willing to face the fire with his sister and if anything told Kaylee that he loved River this was it beyond words.

"And then our miracle arrived. Serenity appeared overhead and the captain and Zoe came down the street armed for war. How they found us has not been revealed yet but I'll corner Wash later and get the story. He's always good for that. After they rescued us we ran to the far end of the village where one of Serenity's shuttles was waiting. We boarded and made a quick rendezvous with the ship and got away from there as fast as Wash could take us."

"It was then I was told of Book's injuries and immediately went to see him. The look on Kaylee's face as I passed her was much friendly than the last time I had seen her."

Well, of course, she was just so happy to see them. Jayne and Zoe hadn't been too keen on going back but she and Wash had talked the Capt'n into it. Of course, he'd never admit that and Kaylee sensed he wanted to go back all along and pretended to let them talk him into it. Wash was clear that he'd be happier having a doctor on board than not. Kaylee had mentioned how Simon had done so much for them so far and of course she had other reasons. Wash had already set course for Jiangyin from the Alliance cruiser and we had been half way there by the time the Capt'n made his mind up.

"Later that day, when I asked Reynolds why he came back for us, he said that we were on his crew. And that was it. I hardly believe that's it and I have a feeling that he is a good man at heart, this noble thief, Malcolm Reynolds. He is a morally good man who finds himself in situations where his morals are being constantly tested. Coming back for River and I eased his conscience. I would apologize to him for our earlier altercations but I'm sure he would not enjoy that."

"The questions regarding why River and I were about to be killed were not easy to deflect so I told the truth: they thought she was a witch. This was greeted with much skepticism and derision, with a joke from Jayne about her flying a broom. I guess he has read a book at some point in his life or at least seen old Earth That Was vids on the Cortex concerning such things. The idea that River could read minds was not taken seriously by anyone and for that I am thankful. Until I investigate this more I do not wish to bring more suspicion on us. It is clear from what happened with the mute girl that River has an ability to know things she could not have known. If this is 'mind reading' I do not know. What the correct term is or how to define this ability of hers is something I must investigate more."

Kaylee closed the book and lay it down as she took all this in. Simon himself had been mystified by River's ability and was only beginning to understand it. She shuddered again at the thought of them being kidnapped, beaten and then almost burned to death. If they had been five minutes late…but no she couldn't think like that or it would drive her crazy. They were alive, he was her husband, and all was right with the 'verse. For now.

Simon didn't return for a long time so Kaylee finally got up to see what was happening and found him operating on Jayne's shoulder. Seems the Alliance doctor's had missed a small piece of the bullet that was stuck in the ball socket where the arm met the shoulder and it needed to come out. Jayne wasn't too pleased but sat stoically while Simon worked under a local anesthetic. Kaylee stayed and helped Simon and listened to Jayne tell funny stories about being a criminal in the days before he joined Serenity. Most of them involved a woman and some kind of robbery. Simon said nothing as he worked but Kaylee laughed and engaged Jayne in conversation, knowing it took his mind off what Simon was doing.

Later, Kaylee went to the dining area to help prepare dinner. The Capt'n was there and was in a good mood, which he always was whenever they had cargo in the hold and money was to be made. They still had four more days to go to Persephone with their load of high quality foodstuffs in the cargo bay. River and Kaylee made supper together, with Kaylee teaching her how to make pastries. Capt'n had stolen the flour and sugar from the cargo, telling them that there was always some loss whenever food was shipped. Dinner was a cheerful affair, with Jayne even joining them despite his recent operation and managed to get through the meal without saying something crass or spilling his food. Cheerful, that is, expect for the absence of Book and Wash. Zoe wasn't in mourning but she wasn't her old self either and maybe that would never change, Wash being part of that old self. They had always been together as far as Kaylee was concerned, her having joined Serenity when they were secretly dating. In fact, Kaylee had found out even before the Capt'n and had stood with Zoe at their wedding.

Finally, the day ended and she made her way to their room after setting the power settings for the night and dimming the lights throughout the ship. She had double checked with River the course setting and power settings before doing so. The two always did so and the Capt'n supervised. Once all was set the crew retired to their quarters.

Simon and River said goodnight and Kaylee went to brush her teeth. When she returned she found Simon sitting on the bed looking at the picture of his family.

"Did you see this?' he asked.

"Yes," she said as she sat next to him, snuggling close.

"It's our last picture as a family. The last time they saw her. Almost four years ago," he said, his heart heavy.

"Some day, we will make it right," she said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Kaylee, we need to leave Serenity," he replied and it was not an order or a question, just a statement, hanging in the air.

She looked at him, her mind wild with emotion, knowing he was right, but not wanting to admit it, not wanting to leave. Not yet.

"Simon. Serenity's been my home for so long."

"I know. I'm not forcing you to make a decision. Not now. But we need to talk more. We need to find a place to live. Then my parents can come. And your father, too. At least to visit. And then we can start our life."

He put an arm around her and kissed the top of her head as Kaylee's mind drifting over the years and the things that had happened and feared that he was right: It was time to leave Serenity.


	6. Chapter 6 Our Mrs Reynolds

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 6 – Our Mrs. Reynolds**

"Simon, I wanted to ask you something and if you don't want to answer you don't have to," Kaylee asked as they got ready for bed. She sat on the edge of the bed in just her nightdress as he put away his toothbrush and hung a towel to dry. He looked at her and then sat next to her.

"Does it have to do with what happened on Jiangyin?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Okay, but I thought you knew everything now."

"Well, actually there are two things."

"Two?"

"Uh-huh.," she replied in barely a whisper and then looked at him in a very serious way. "First, why did you join River at that stake? They didn't want to kill you, did they?"

He looked at her for a long pause and then slowly began to speak. "Kaylee, at that moment in my life, I was at the end of my despair. I had thought we had been abandoned by the only people who ever tried to help us."

"Meaning us, Serenity."

"Yes. And I couldn't reason with those people. They were determined to kill River. And I couldn't stand by while they did that. I was so powerless, so helpless. To die with River seemed an easy way out. No more running. No more hiding from the Alliance. We'd just…be gone."

Kaylee looked at him in shocked silence, not knowing how just how desperate he had been. "But that was…suicide!"

"Yes. I've thought on it often and when it comes right down to it was suicide. I was willing to kill myself to rid myself of my burdens. And to be with River. Now do you understand? I love River. I would die for her."

A tear fell from Kaylee's eye and Simon's eyes were shining with his emotions. She kissed him and hugged him tight. "And I'd do the same for you Kaylee." And as he said that she squeezed harder and held on trying to stop her tears from coming but then not caring and letting them come the same.

After a long while, he looked at her and asked, "You said you wanted to ask two things."

"Oh, yes, oh, I'm sorry. Just so...OK, I'm OK." He stood and got her a handkerchief and waited while she collected herself and wiped her eyes.

"It's OK to cry."

"Didn't realize how bad it was for you. Both of you."

"It's much better now," and he smiled and she couldn't help but feel good inside.

"The other question. It has to do with River's…mind reading skills."

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to mention that. Yes, I suspected long ago that she could read minds," Simon said.

"Because of Badger that time and because of that girl…"

"Ruby was her name. She was mute. She never spoke in two years. Somehow River knew what had happened to her."

Kaylee took all this in and stared at him. "Did she read…our minds?"

"Not sure. She never said anything to indicate that. But how did she get Jayne's gun out of the locker that time if it was locked with a combination lock?"

"That's right!"

"And she always knew when the Reavers were coming. She could feel them."

"Did you ever ask her about it?"

"Yes. Said she doesn't know how or when it started. But she can do it, yet not control it. And sometimes, she can't escape others' thoughts, they fill her mind and drive her…crazy is the only proper word. The drugs help suppress it, but not entirely, not the strongest emotions…fear, love, hate. The Reavers…were full of hate and anger and rage. That's why she knew when they were coming. I need to find a quiet place for her. Somewhere safe. If such a place exists."

"Is that why you want to leave Serenity?"

"That and many other reasons. To protect you for one."

"Protect me?" she said in surprise.

"Kaylee, Serenity engages in activities that aren't exactly legal. And the Alliance knows its name and its crew. We don't know if they are still looking for us. We need to be safe. And I want to…start a family…grow old with you."

His confession of his desires warmed her heart and she hugged him tight. "A family? You mean to say…babies?"

"Yes, I mean to say."

And then they kissed long and passionately and lay down and were consumed by their desires.

Long after, Kaylee lay awake and could hear Simon's soft snore as she lay next to him in bed. She couldn't sleep and her mind returned to his words just before they had gone to bed: it was time to leave Serenity, time to start a family, time to find a safe place for River and them. Kaylee understood why he wanted to do so, but it didn't make the decision to leave any easier. She had roots here and a love for those on this old Firefly. This day had been a rollercoaster of emotions for Kaylee, first waking up from the nightmare of Simon asking for a divorce, his confession of his parents marital problems, then asking her to read the journal, the waves of guilt that had washed over her as she told one small lie after another, their wonderful love making in the afternoon, the flood of emotions that caused her to finally confess and then his forgiveness of her, and finally his bringing up again of his desires to leave Serenity and start a family. She needed to sleep but couldn't, her mind racing from point to point, with the idea of leaving Serenity overshadowing all else.

She had come to the ship four years ago, when she was only 17, River's age when they had first met over a year ago. Now she was 21 and married. Serenity had been the only family she had known outside her own. Her father had let her go that faithful day when she had first met Malcolm Reynolds after he had caught her in a tryst with his mechanic Bester. That Bester had been fired and she hired all in the space of a few minutes told Kaylee much about the character of the "Capt'n", as she always called him. He needed people he could depend on because traveling in space was a dangerous business and the kind of business he engaged in made it more so.

Course, he never mentioned that kind of business to Kaylee's father and Kaylee never told her parents what exactly they hauled through the 'verse or any of the scrapes they got in. She had told her father about getting shot, and he told her to thank Simon for saving her and in the next breath he swore he'd killed Malcolm Reynolds next time he saw him. Kaylee finally calmed him down and he vented his anger in a sharp wave message to the Capt'n. The Capt'n took it well, and her father had never blamed him directly, just needed to say something to someone and the Capt'n was it. Kaylee was all he had in the 'verse.

When her mother died of diabetes complications about two years after Kaylee had joined the crew it had rent a hole in Kaylee's heart. She knew the doctor's had done all they could and her poor father had cared for her alone most of the last few months. Kaylee hurried back as fast as she could when her mother started to turn for the worse, leaving Serenity and spending all her savings on a faster transport to Taos. She managed to spend a few weeks with her mother before she had passed. Doris Frye asked her constant questions about what she did and about any men in her life. Her mother wanted her to leave the ship and get married. She promised her mother she would meet a nice fellow and settle down and give her some grand kids. She did meet a nice fellow, later, but Doris would never get a chance to meet Simon or any grand kids they would have in the future.

Her heart had been torn between her father and Serenity in the weeks that followed. She would stay with him as long as he needed her. He seemed in a daze, losing the woman he loved after 22 years of marriage. But gradually he became his old self, and when he got drunk one night and caused a fight in the local bar, Kaylee knew he was going to be fine. Jonathan Frye had caught her looking at the stars while she sat on the swinging seat on their veranda one night and told her it was time to leave. She protested but he knew her heart lay in the black on that old Firefly with that band of rogues.

Another year passed, full of more adventures and scrapes and then one day she sat outside Serenity at the Eavesdown Docks on Persephone and she met three men in the space of thirty minutes who would affect her life profoundly: a Shepherd, a Lawman, and a Doctor. The Shepherd became her friend and when he died her soul grieved almost as badly as when her mother had died. The Lawman shot her and she came closer to death than at any time in her life. And the Doctor saved her life from the lawman's bullet and she fell in love with him.

Serenity was home for Kaylee. All its creaks and groans, its quirks and hiccups she knew and loved. Every bolt and wire, steel plate and silicon chip, was as much a part of her as the ship. Again she looked at Simon and knew it wasn't the same for him. Home was a house in the luxurious estate lands surrounding Osiris' Capital City, or a high rise apartment in a crystal building downtown. Home was a major trauma center in a state-of-the-art hospital with everything he needed at his fingertips. Home was a steady job, with no danger, and embarrassingly large stacks of money, as he had once said to her. Kaylee knew all that was there, waiting for them the day the Alliance pardon Simon and River, the luxury she had never ever dreamed of could be hers, a life of wonder and joy with a handsome doctor on her arm.

Yet, that was a home Simon and Kaylee and River could no longer be part of. Not yet anyway. And she knew he knew that. The last part of his journal she had read let her understand that he had been seeking somewhere, for him and River, somewhere safe. Jiangyin it turned out was not that place.

Kaylee couldn't sleep and so decided she would read some more while she had a chance. She slowly got out of bed, making sure she didn't disturb Simon. She stood naked on the floor and felt a chill through her soles so slipped on a pair of slippers. She stretched and felt so alive, exulting in the feelings of passion that had tore through her body a scant time ago. She slipped on Simon's thick blue robe, felt its warmth, and then sat on the chair, picked up the journal and began to read where she had left off.

"I think I've been robbed," Simon had written.

What? Robbed?

"I returned to my room after looking in on Book again and all my things were scattered on my bed and on the floor. I made a quick examination but I'm not quite sure if anything is missing or not. Why someone would do this I don't know but I can guess who it was. Thinking I wasn't coming back, he decided my things were for the taking. I thought on saying something to Reynolds but think now it's not worth the trouble."

He? It could only be…Jayne! No, he wouldn't have…but then again, Jayne Cobb was a crook. Hell, they all were, but Kaylee never saw herself as a criminal, she just ran the engines on a ship…full of criminals. But Jayne was a hard-core criminal of that there was no doubt. Was he low enough to rob Simon while he was gone? Perhaps.

"Thankfully there have been no more questions about River's ability to read minds or why they thought she was a witch. On a brighter note, Kaylee doesn't seem to be mad at me for what happened in the store on Jiangyin. I guess she doesn't stay mad long at anyone."

True enough. Kaylee just never felt it wasn't necessary to be angry at anyone for long. Just ate you up inside. Even that lawman, Dobson, who had shot her, she was never mad at him. It was an accident and he had even said so, before the Capt'n killed him. Well, he didn't exactly kill him. Wasn't till many months later they found that Dobson had survived somehow. Next time Capt'n made sure he was really dead.

Kaylee skipped ahead through the next few days as not much of interest had happened. He tried to get River to talk about what happened on Jiangyin but she refused, saying she couldn't remember much. Kaylee looked for mentions of her name and then found a whole section, when they landed on Triumph.

"Reynolds and Zoe have an undying hatred of the Alliance, which is understandable considering their history. This is good for River and I since they stay clear of the Core and dealings with Alliance customers. However, the last two days Reynolds has shown his noble streak again and this time it almost cost us our lives. The entire crew, not just River and me."

"An old customer on Triumph had waved him, asking for some help concerning some local criminals who were intercepting their trade between their small farming community and the local urban center. That's as much information as I was privy to as again I was not part of the planning. Later, I learned they had ambushed some people who tried to ambush them and five men were killed by Zoe, Jayne, and Reynolds. Later, Book related how he had said words over their bodies. He was troubled by this and I could tell that he is torn between staying on Serenity and leaving. He knows what they did was for the good of the people of the township but at the same time the necessity of killing goes against all he believes in."

She had also worried about Book in those days and wondered why he continued to stay on Serenity. Kaylee loved having him on board and took comfort from his presence. He was almost like a father figure and his advice more than once saved their lives. The Capt'n's feelings on religion aside, she was sure he was happy Book was on board, too. When he had finally left it was like a part of the ship was missing. And then he died. Because of them. Sometimes she thought because of her. Kaylee shook her head to escape the thought, the thought that came when she thought on Book, that her few little words to him all those months ago, "You're gonna come with us!" had cost the man his life. If she hadn't spoken just then maybe he would have walked on by.

Kaylee closed the notebook and sat staring at the wall for a long time. She knew it was silly and she didn't kill Book by asking him to be a passenger anymore than her killing a spider in her bedroom as a child caused it to rain later that day. Book had chosen to join Serenity, had chosen to stay, and had chosen to give them shelter on Haven. His goodness is what killed him in the end, and there was something not right with that. When the Capt'n had killed that survivor of the Alliance ship on Haven Kaylee had been as shocked as the others, but later thought the Capt'n had done the right thing.

She opened the notebook again and found her name. "In honor of the great 'victory' of one band of criminals over another…"

God, he was so sarcastic at times!

"…the people of the township threw a party. River and I were not invited. Reynolds said we should stay on board since we didn't know if anyone would recognize us. Kaylee also stayed to watch the ship and the three of us decided to play cards. During the game Kaylee told us about how each person joined the ship. She also related how Reynolds did not like romances on his ship and how Zoe and Wash had to keep it secret for some time. Kaylee and I had looked at each other across the table and I felt like something passed between us, an attraction that was mutual."

She had nearly died from blushing so much! After she had said Zoe told the Capt'n her relationship with Wash was none of his business Simon had agreed and then had gazed at her for a long time. She melted under his blue eyes and they both had colored before remembering River was sitting there and they were playing cards. Kaylee couldn't keep her mind on the game and later had had feverish dreams of carnal pleasure with Simon for most of the night.

"But again my feelings for Kaylee are confused. I like her, she's very beautiful, we get along fine, but to take that next step seems like a leap not a step. It's been more than two months since we came on board and I see her every day and every day I desire her more and want to see whether we could have a relationship. But I don't know how long I'll be here and I cannot burden her with my troubles. And she would never leave Serenity."

And there it was again. Leaving Serenity. He desired her all that time and Kaylee's mind screamed in frustration at all the missed chances. In other ways she was glad, because what if all they had at first was the sex, and the relationship never came. Now she had both and that made the wait worth it.

"While we played cards the rest of the crew went to the party and that's where the trouble started. Reynolds was duped into marrying a young lady called Saffron. She is a professional con artist and Inara even believes she has had Companion training. She claimed to be a maiden of the township seeking a husband and the elders had traded her to the captain in lieu of payment for the job he had just done. He was very drunk and performed the Triumph settlers' marriage ceremony with her, not knowing he was now married. But it was all lies, except for the marriage bit. I don't believe she was ever part of the Triumph township and I'm sure the elders had not offered her in payment. The captain's utter surprise at finding out he had a wife makes this all the more likely. After we were introduced to her in the cargo bay, Book researched the Triumph wedding ceremony in my encyclopedia. From the description Reynolds gave of what had happened, he had indeed married her and according to Book, it is binding."

The discovery of Saffron in the cargo bay and her being introduce as the Capt'n's wife had shocked all of them. Kaylee had thought it was wonderful at first and the others had some good laughs. Then she recalled the look on Inara's face and knew it wasn't all fun for everyone.

"Later that night Saffron seduced Reynolds in his quarters and knocked him out with a kiss. It was a narcotic which is placed on a seal over the lips and is commonly known as the Goodnight Kiss. I treated many such cases as an intern. She had also knocked out Wash with a kicked to the head and disabled our navigation and propulsion controls."

And what a masterful job she had done too, remembered Kaylee. That little tramp knew her Firefly's that's for sure! Took her and Wash an hour just to get the Cortex and nav views on line.

"Inara claimed to have fallen and hit her head when she found Reynolds unconscious but I could see no wound or contusion on her head and she refused to let me examine her. She was very groggy and couldn't stand for a while. The fact that she later said that Saffron had tried to seduce her makes me believe that she and Saffron had indeed kissed and Inara was embarrassed to tell us. She could have also gotten a secondary transfer from Reynolds if she had kissed him."

Ah ha! Inara had kissed Saffron! Or the Capt'n? Kaylee suddenly got a funny feeling in her body as she thought on Inara and Saffron kissing. She felt no disgust as she thought she would, but curiosity and a strange desire. Kaylee knew Inara took female clients and remembered that last time she had that feeling was when the beautiful blond councilor had come aboard and had been Inara's customer. They had looked so beautiful together. Sleeping with a woman was not something Kaylee could ever see herself doing and she was man crazy, especially for her husband. But still, she could not deny the feeling she had when she thought on it.

Now Inara kissing the Capt'n she could believe. The whole crew knew Inara was crazy for the Capt'n and he for her. Now if they'd just admit that to each other! She was still here, four months after the double tragedy of Miranda and Mr. Universe's complex. But she was changed. She only rarely took clients and tried to do so when the Capt'n was busy with something else. She talked about returning to the training house and the Guild had begged her to come back. First she stayed to help with the healing, of Serenity and its crew. She and River were the only ones without physical injuries. Then she stayed for her and Simon's wedding. And then she stayed for the Capt'n, of that she was sure. Kaylee cast these thoughts aside and returned to the journal.

"As Kaylee and Wash raced to repair the ship we suddenly realized we were being sent to a scrapper. As Book explained and as my encyclopedia showed, it is a small space station whose purpose is to take apart and repair ships. Saffron it appears was in cahoots with these criminals and set our course directly for their electric magnetic grid. As Book explained it would hold us and at the same time send electricity through the ship. If that didn't disable or kill us, then they would gas us or suck out all the oxygen."

Kaylee got chills as she read that and remember being almost frustrated to tears as she had tried to undo Saffron's sabotage. It was her job to get them out of situations like that and she failed. The Capt'n made her feel better after they got to of the scrape but she still felt guilty for many days after.

"Fortunately Reynolds skills at planning on short notice for once bore fruit and he and Jayne donned space suits, sat in our front air lock, and Jayne managed to disable the electric net by gunfire. He later said he took out their porthole window for good measure and saw at least two bodies sucked out into space. His leer when he told us this left no doubt he enjoyed it. I for one cared not for those two and deep down felt glad that those who tried to kill us had got their just desserts. Perhaps I am growing as callous as some of the others. Although I didn't say so, at a time like that it was good to be in the company of Reynolds and Jayne."

She could definitely sense that the cloak of civilization Simon had thrown over himself was coming off. He would have been horrified at the thought of killing when he first came on board but the many deaths they had caused or witnessed and near deaths they themselves experienced seem to be hardening him to it. Kaylee didn't want to see anyone hurt or dead but times she also felt like that. Some people just deserved to die, as Jayne had once said to her.

"Saffron had escaped in one of our shuttle craft after she disabled the ship. It was a short range craft and Reynolds had long ago conveniently put locator beacons on both shuttles in case one went missing. There were only two moons within shuttle range and within a day we had found Saffron and retrieved our shuttle. I think he left her alive but I'm not sure on this detail as yet."

She was alive alright and they had another adventure with her later, one just as interesting.

"And so ends another experience of life and death on Serenity. But now I am beginning to understand how everyone has their role to play and realize that Malcolm Reynolds has assembled himself the most remarkable crew. Wash and Kaylee are like extensions of the ship and know its inner workings most intimately."

That made her smile and she knew he was right.

"Jayne is the muscle of the crew and his skills are needed in this rough and tumble 'verse. Zoe is the loyal one, who back Reynolds no matter what and always has his back. She is also muscle, but in a more subtle and understated manner than Jayne. Reynolds himself is the brains. Not always perfect, but he's the planner and his skill is not so much in the initial plans but in the ability to adapt when things go wrong, as they often do. Without these five people I believe my sister and I would be dead by now."

Kaylee closed the book and didn't want to read anymore for now. What he said was so true and she felt it more keenly now that he wanted to leave. With these people…and now one of them is gone, Wash. She closed her eyes for a long time and remembered him, his jokes, and his smile, and she wished she had a big clock and could turn back time.

Kaylee opened her eyes and felt the need for some tea and tiptoed out of the room. She made her way to the kitchen and was surprised to see the Capt'n there, sitting in a chair, staring off at nothing. She hitched Simon's robe tighter round her nakedness, not cause she worried Capt'n would look, cause he wouldn't, but just…well, just because she was a woman and didn't want no man who wasn't her man to see her naked!

"Hey, Capt'n." she said and smiled. "Up late?"

"Yeah. You, too?"

"Wanted some tea. Join me?"

"Sure. Why not? Sleep sure ain't coming. Was gonna have coffee so water's hot."

She began to make the tea. "Something on your mind?"

He looked at her for long time as she put tea in two cups and added hot water from the kettle. "Guess I can tell you. But just 'tween the two of us."

She nodded. 'Course. Not even Simon." She came over with two cups, steaming and gave one to Mal, he said thanks and she sat.

He took a deep breath. "Inara's leaving again."

Kaylee was surprised but not shocked. "Oh, no. When?"

"When we get to Persephone. Then she'll take a transport to the training house."

"Oh," was all Kaylee could say. She sipped her tea.

"Offered to take her the whole way but she said…wanted to make this as painless as possible."

Kaylee looked at him, waited for him to explain but she knew he never would. "Capt'n. you gotta say something to her. Make her say."

"She made up her mind. What could I say?"

Kaylee let out a sigh of deep frustration. "Tell her how you feel."

"How I feel? About what?"

"Oh, was Simon as stupid as this? You love her!... Don't you?"

Mal looked in his cup and then after a long pause. "Yeah." It came out as if he was confessing his deepest darkest secret. "Don't know why I'm telling you this."

"Cause you need to tell someone and I'm closest you got to family here, big brother."

And he smiled at her. "Guess so, mei mei."

Kaylee blushed a little. "So now what?"

"I still got three more days. I can't just go and say it," he replied and again Kaylee rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Well, don't let three days turn into never."

"Just too complicated. She's a Companion and I'm…"

"Now you're looking for excuses not to say it. God, you and Simon are so alike!"

"What? Me and the Doc? How?"

"Oh, he was crazy about me from almost the beginning but never said or did anything, worried he'd ruin my life or that I wouldn't want to…leave Serenity." The last she said quietly and he looked at her, his face worried.

"So he's talked on that has he?"

"A few times. Ain't gonna lie to you Capt'n. It's coming soon."

"I figured as much."

"Wants to have a safe place for River…and me. Start a family."

His eyes went wide. "You're not.."

"No!," she said quickly. "Not yet."

"And what do you want, little Kaylee?"

"The Alliance to leave us alone, River to get better, to have a bunch of kids and grow old with my man."

"Well, that's something to aim for. Gonna miss you."

"I ain't leaving tomorrow."

"So should I look for a new mechanic when I land on Persephone?"

"Let me talk to Simon again first."

"Ok."

She stood, picked up her cup, and said, "Night Capt'n" as she walked to him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Mal smiled and said good night as Kaylee left the dining area


	7. Chapter 7 Jaynestown

**The Dr. Tam Journals –Part 7 – Jaynestown**

Kaylee made her way back to the passenger dorm, careful not to spill the remainder of her tea, her mind replaying her conversation with the Capt'n. Inara leaving again wasn't as big a shock as she thought it would be 'cause Inara had hinted that she would go soon. But the Capt'n was obviously devastated, hiding it as well as he could. God, men were such idiots at times! Why couldn't he just tell her? Too complication, she's this, I'm that, it'd never work, blah, blah, blah. Coward's way out! But she knew he wasn't a coward; he was just not articulate when it came to expressing his feelings. That Inara felt the same way about him was obvious to all but him.

His feelings got trampled on before, that much she knew, in the war. Not over love of a woman, but over a belief in something that was shattered. Once she asked Zoe why the Capt'n despised religion and she told her the one and only secret she ever gave about Malcolm Reynolds. When she had first met him, in the second year of the war, he was already a sergeant and had lots of combat experience. And he was also very religious. Not in the way of preaching to everyone but he did believe in God and he wore a cross round his neck he was prone to kissing before doing something dangerous and usually foolhardy. He was a true believer in the rebellion and in their leaders and generals. When they were told to surrender in Serenity Valley, it just devastated him. After a week of waiting for help while the generals negotiated the surrender, a week of watching his soldiers expiring of their wounds, he tore off that cross and threw it away, saying there was no more God.

Now all he had was this ship and its crew. He was like her big brother and Kaylee loved him in that way and had always felt a comfort and strength in the knowledge that he was always there to…well, protect her, was the only way she could put it. He was their leader and Kaylee suddenly felt that she would miss him more than any of the others and Serenity itself when she and Simon finally left. Captain Malcolm "Mal" Reynolds, the Capt'n, her Capt'n, defined Serenity for her and perhaps for the others as well. He had always been there, from the day Kaylee joined the ship and he never let them down.

Despite the horrific ramifications of his decision to send them on their mad dash through Reaver space and the battle with the Alliance and Reavers, Kaylee still felt it was the right thing to do. One thing she and the Capt'n saw eye to eye on was that there was good in this 'verse and someone had to step up now and then and defend it and those that couldn't defend themselves or weren't willing to. She wasn't sure Zoe would agree, her loyalty to the Capt'n overshadowed by the death of Wash. She definitely knew Jayne thought it was the stupidest thing they had ever done. Simon had been caught between the two opinions, at the time wanting to do the right thing in his soul, but afraid for River and, as he later told her, for Kaylee, too. He was never afraid for himself and she felt a comfort knowing that her man would go to the ends of the 'verse for her if he had to.

Kaylee had been terrified the whole battle in a way that only be describe as blind numbness. She knew they were Reavers, knew she was holding and firing a weapon, but it wasn't her, she wasn't the one there, it was all too fast, too much, she couldn't separate events from each out, she couldn't see what was happening, and later when they tried to piece together everything her mind had been almost a total blank. She remembered Simon's expression of desire for her, remembered when she had been struck by the darts, and remembered when Simon had gotten shot, but the rest was a blur. Only later did she understand that Jayne and Zoe had also been wounded and she didn't know if she killed any Reavers or not. It dawned on Kaylee, as she lay in the Alliance makeshift hospital later, that in her soul she wasn't as brave as the others and wasn't cut out for the helter skelter of combat.

There had been no blame assessed after the battle. There was too much grief and too much healing to be done for recriminations. The wedding had helped to ease them back to a semblance of a normal life, if that were at all possible. After she and Simon had started their relationship the Capt'n had sat them down and said he wasn't much for shipboard romances but wished them the best. Two months later Simon shocked her by saying that he wanted their relationship to be more "appropriate", meaning he wanted to marry her. She said yes before he could change his mind and a few days later they were married on Taos in front of her father and her friends and family.

Kaylee was reminded of the first time she and Simon talked about his "appropriate" ways. It had been when they landed on Higgin's Moon at the settlement of Canton, better known as Mudville, for it's chief product, mud used to make ceramics. What a day and a half that had been! She now had a burning desire to see what Simon had wrote about that day. She reached their room, quietly slid the door back and entered. Simon was still sleeping so she crept to the desk, sat, and opened the journal again.

The talk on appropriateness had begun in the corridor of the passenger dorm. She had been passing by when he exited his room, dressed in a very fine suit. She had been stunned by his handsome appearance and stopped and asked if he had somewhere special to go. He had been taken aback and then looked at his clothes, realizing he was overdressed. He had fumbled for some answer as to why he dressed like that and Kaylee had said he looked nice. Simon had smiled and said it was just that he was used to dressing in an appropriate way back on Osiris. That comment got them talking about his life there and about being a doctor and before Kaylee knew it almost 30 minutes passed by. It had been warm and comforting to talk with Simon when no one else was around and he was very relaxed. River was no where about, no one was hurt, and nothing needed to be done, by either of them. She teased him about being so straight laced and said she had never heard him use swear words to which he had replied he did, just not in front of her.

Kaylee scanned the journal looking for that part and it didn't take too long.

"It's morning now and I have a brief moment to write down what has happened the last few days, which have been a mix of surprise, danger, joy, and foolishness, mostly on my part. The crew had been hired to move some illegal goods, what I don't know, from the Canton factory settlement on Higgin's Moon. As we were preparing to land I ran into Kaylee in the passenger dorm corridor and had a pleasant chat. The term 'appropriate' came up in regard to my behavior and I tried to explain that I wasn't as straight laced as she and the others thought. I guess my dress and manner made me seem like a very proper gentleman. I think it might be time to relax my Osiris manners and dress more casually. Yet, I still cannot get over the casual way that some subjects are treated on Serenity, sex being one of them."

Oh, sex talk!

"Inara had been hired by someone on the moon and as she prepared to leave, Kaylee said goodbye and wished her to have 'Good sex'. My surprised and somewhat embarrassed expression after Kaylee said this shows just how 'straight laced' I am."

Ah, Simon the prude! She remembered that look, how he had been shocked she had said that to Inara. It was almost a joke between the two ladies, as Inara always had good sex, 'cause, as she put it, she was always there, while Kaylee had had none for some time then. Then again maybe it wasn't so funny after all, Kaylee sometimes wishing she had such beautiful clothes, and the training to seduce men. There was only one man she wanted to seduce and she didn't think at that time that even if she had all of Inara's training and experience she would ever get Simon to thaw out.

"Jayne the ape man saw this as a perfect time to raid my infirmary and make a mess while looking for some tape to hide a gun on his body. He could have just asked me but that would have been too easy for him. Reynolds told him no guns were allowed on Canton and when Jayne protested, saying he had a lot of enemies there, Reynolds once again asserted his authority over Jayne in front of Kaylee and me. Jayne backed down as usual, and again I wonder why. It seems Jayne and Reynolds have an understanding. Jayne knows Reynolds would not back down until one of them was dead and Jayne fears that he would the one lying face down. Whereas Jayne is obviously the stronger of the two and I've heard he is a master at all kinds of weapons, he lacks the leadership qualities of Reynolds and the streak of madness that Reynolds has shown is needed at times to get out of sticky situations. For this I am glad, because if Jayne Cobb was leader of this ship, I'm sure River would already be back at that academy and I would be in a penal colony somewhere on a cold and distant moon."

Would Jayne sell them out? Kaylee had a feeling he would have, and he had even mentioned it once or twice. But he never did, did he? There was always the question of what happened on Ariel. Wash had once expressed the opinion that Jayne had tried to sell them out and was nabbed himself so had to make an escape but Kaylee hadn't believed him. Well, didn't what to believe him was more like it.

"We set down on Higgin's Moon and as soon as the cargo bay ramp went down I wish I had stayed in bed. The smell of the place was disgusting, to say the least, with the mud pits directly opposite the port landing area. The workers waded up to their knees in the filth, scooping up the mud into large containers that were carried to a building where the mud was turned into ceramic. As Kaylee mentioned ceramic is lighter than and just as strong as some metals, so it is ideal for spacecraft parts. The whole operation was very primitive, with brut manpower replacing machines that could had done a more efficient job. But this kind of operation did not care for finesse as they had a large and cheap labor pool."

Wow, he did sound like he knew something about business! Yet, knowing about and actually conducting business in the real world were two different things. The crew had learned this when Simon's attempt to pretend to be a mud buyer almost blew up in their faces.

"Kaylee seemed overly interested in getting me to come to town with the other crew members and I saw Wash and Reynolds exchange some looks that said they knew Kaylee wanted me to go for personal reasons. Her flirting was obvious to all and I did desire to spend more time with her."

Oh, was she that obvious? Ah! That devil! He saw through all that and even knew the others knew!

"Book offered to watch River and then the captain suggested I pose as a mud buyer since I was still wearing my suit and, as he, said, looked the part more than any others. As I had no more excuses and was actually being asked to join one of their plans, I went along. In truth I really was curious about how they worked and did not mind that Kaylee would be with us. I now regret this decision as it nearly cost me my life. There is something to be said for staying aboard ship."

He had wanted spend time with me! So did she, and Kaylee remembered how Simon had felt self-conscious as the Capt'n described him and his clothing, his soft hands, and she thought that's when Simon decided that the suits and vests would have to go and more causal clothing be obtained.

"My attempts at buying mud were awkward and caused the foreman of the mud factory to be a little suspicious. I guess I'm just not good at lying and Reynolds came to my rescue, by suggesting we look around first and talk business later. We walked through the mud pit area to the town, looking for a contact for the goods we were to obtain. Jayne acted very strangely and had covered his face and head with a cap and goggles, still worried about the enemies he had made in the past. Then we saw it. A statue. Of Jayne. In all my years nothing surprised me as much as this. He is a hero of this town and they composed a song for him, which we later heard in a bar. The story is long and intricate, but it will suffice to say he stole some money from the town boss, and dropped that money over the town in order to lighten his aircraft to make his escape. The townsfolk thought he had done it on purpose and called him a hero."

Jayne the Hero of Canton! The statue had been eerie and the song even more shocking. Kaylee recalled sitting in the bar, opposite Simon, drinking the Mudder's milk, sneaking looks across her cup at Simon, when the man with the guitar had begun the song. Even Jayne had been surprised and then he had related the whole story to them.

"We finally made contact with someone and found out our contact had been killed because he was trading in illegal goods. This business was getting more dangerous and I was all for leaving for good. Then one of Jayne's admirers recognized him and the whole town showed up to cheer him and buy him drinks. We stayed and drank more and I found myself sitting with Kaylee, both of us very drunk. The warmth of the alcohol, the subdued lighting, and her presence made me forget all my troubles and my strict manners and upbringing. She was so beautiful, her soft brown hair framing her lovely face, her smile as warm as ever. I desired her then more than ever…"

Oh, this was getting good!

"…and even told her she was pretty. I had wanted to say beautiful but felt it too strong at that moment."

Why didn't he say it if he felt it? Even when drunk and with no responsibilities he couldn't let go of his appropriateness.

"I don't recall much of what happened after. I know we drank more, and Jayne left to a room with a local woman. Someone asked if we wanted to have a room, too. I think I said yes, and I know Kaylee did but we never made it that far. We passed out, well at least I did, on our little bench, wrapped in each others arms."

A waitress had asked them if they wanted a room. Kaylee's body burned with alcohol and sexual tension, so much she was ready to explode. He was there, he was relaxed and she had wanted him. When he said yes to getting a room, her heart had thumped so loudly she thought the whole 'verse had heard it. She said, "It's just a room. We don't have to do anything." And he had said, "I know. It's just a room." And then he put his arm around her, stoked her hair, and as they had leaned in for a kiss, he passed out, his head on her shoulder. Kaylee had almost screamed in frustration! But she didn't blame him, she liked him too much for that. Loved him? The thought had crossed her mind at that point and she knew it was too soon for that. Or was it? Could she love someone without starting a relationship first? She kissed his cheek, leaned him back, using his jacket as a pillow, and curled up with him, feeling his heart beat, the muscles of his chest and shoulders. Her whole body was on fire with desire, and mercifully she had passed out, too.

"The next morning I once again turned my little success with the beginnings of a relationship with Kaylee into a disaster. I'm getting lots of practice at this and will soon be a master"

There's sarcastic Simon again, even if what happened was too painful for words.

"Reynolds appeared in the bar and woke us up. I was surprised, groggy, and disoriented. I realized Kaylee and I had spent the night in each others arms and Reynolds was looking at us in such a strange way, almost half amusement and half paternal strictness. I hastily, perhaps too hastily, commented that nothing had happened, that I would never do anything, not with Kaylee, and then before I could stop myself the words were out. The look on her face and her angry retort said I had badly insulted her again. When we found Jayne and made to leave, Kaylee pointedly told me I was not welcome to be with them."

She had been livid! After all the drinking, the comments on her looks, the almost kiss, he was such a jerk in the morning! She had been glad they hadn't made love if that was how he was going to act in the morning. Later, he explained how it was Reynolds, looking like her father or big brother, that had confused him. Also, he told her it would have been very disrespectful to have taken advantage of her while drunk. But he just didn't get it. She wanted to be taken advantage of, drunk or sober!

"Glum and with a pounding headache, I stayed in the bar. I ordered some foul mixture of greasy pork, rice and tomatoes, which I managed to half eat. Surprisingly it helped settle my stomach and I realized that it was a special cure for Mudder's Sickness, the Mudder's milk hangover, as the bartender called it. I thought on how I could apologize to Kaylee, again, and wondered what River had been up to, when the most foul smelling, ugly, disagreeable man I have ever met accosted me and proceeded to beat me in an attempt to find out where Jayne was. Turns out he was an old partner of Jayne's' named Stitch something and he wanted Jayne dead. He kicked me several times, punched me, and slashed my left arm with a knife after I beat him with a bottle. Thankfully the knife cut was not too deep."

Kaylee had treated his wounds when they had returned to Serenity, worried sick for him, all her anger at the earlier events forgotten when she saw that man throw Simon to the ground in front of the crowd of Mudder's. Her heart had leaped to her throat when the man said he was going to kill Simon in front of Jayne.

"I was tossed to the dirt in front of everyone and Stitch told Jayne he was going to kill 'one of his boys' in front of him. I thought I was a dead man as Jayne Cobb has no love for me and I have none for him. But he claimed I didn't belong to his 'gang' and Stitch seemed to lose interest in me after that as he and Jayne squared off. Kaylee turned up at my side suddenly like an angel from heaven, and picked me up from the dirt. If I hadn't been in such pain I would have kissed her then and there, the hell with appropriateness."

That sure would have been an awkward kiss. He had been a mess and Kaylee reached for him on instinct, not caring if that man had turned and shot her. All she could think of was to reach Simon and thought the Capt'n had even reached out to stop her but she walked past him, not caring about herself. Something in her heart almost broke as she saw Simon lying in the dirt, about to die, and she knew she did love him in that instance.

"I think Kaylee's tenderness and warmth at that moment meant more to me than anything else. After what I had said to her that morning, her forgiveness was so quick and so complete. I think my feelings for her may be stronger than I thought could be possible."

What did that mean? Did he love her too? Why couldn't his feelings be possible? Kaylee laughed at herself a little, forgetting for a moment all this had happened many months ago. He did love her and had married her and he was hers and that's all that mattered at the moment. She looked over at him on their bed, so glad in many ways they had not made love that night. They had been drunk it would have been awkward and possibly badly done. When a man is that drunk sometimes things don't…well, work the right way! If that had happened the first time they had been naked together, she thought they might never had gotten past it. Their first time had been as Simon had lay in the Alliance hospital, almost recovered from his bullet wound. Kaylee's desire for him couldn't wait any longer and she had snuck in one night, took off all her clothes, crawled into his bed, and despite his protests, that he wasn't healed, that this wasn't an appropriate place, she told him to shut up and kiss her and they made love for the first time. It had been fast and powerful and wonderful and well worth the wait. He hadn't protested when they did it two more times before dawn. When the doctor found them asleep together in the morning he declared Simon fit to leave the hospital.

"Jayne's life was saved by one of the Mudder's who stepped in front of a shotgun blast intended for Jayne. Before Stitch could reload his gun Jayne threw his knife and struck him square in the chest. The knife must have got struck on the upper rib cage…"

God, he was so morbid at times describing these wounds!

"…as it did not fall out nor did Stitch collapse as he would have from a perforated lung or if the heart had been struck. But he did not live for long as I watched Jayne beat his brains out on the base of the statue. The rear portion of his skull was crushed and his brain matter…."

Ewwww! She skipped ahead past this disgusting description. She had turned her head when it had happened and didn't want any reminders of it.

"I have seen death before, but not like this, not with one man beating another to death with his bare hands. It was raw and savage and the anger from the two men filled the air. Fearing the local boss's foreman and his gang would come after Jayne next, we made a hasty withdrawal from the town toward Serenity. The men followed us at a distance but seemed in no hurry to stop Jayne. Not sure why because neither the captain or Jayne we're armed and I was in no shape to fight. Kaylee had to almost carry me up the ramp of the ship and I was never so glad to be on Serenity. As we took off I took a moment to thank Jayne for claiming he didn't know me and he grunted something like a "Wish I never…never mind." I think he meant he wish had never met me. The feeling is mutual but after today's events I have some measure of respect for the man. He was clearly broken up by the man who died from the shotgun blast and was confused by the town's desire to turn him into a hero. Perhaps he is a hero, at least to these people."

"Kaylee patched up my wounds and I managed a kind of an apology for what had happened. She told me she understood and that it was OK. Later she came to my room to check on me. She sat on the bed and we chatted for a long time. It was nice and I felt very close to her. Kaylee wanted to know why I act so appropriate and I explained that out here, in space, "the black", that my manners were all I have left of my old life. I'm showing her that I like her by respecting her. I can sense she is frustrated by this."

Was she ever! He just didn't…she had never met a man until Simon who didn't want to get her in bed, or somewhere, within a few minutes of her starting flirting. And…but nothing much else had happened with those men. Not too many what you'd call "dates". And none had asked her to marry them. Some said they loved her but she thought they were full of it and she had never really loved any of them. She was so glad he was respectful and appropriate but at that time she just…just wanted him!

"Our growing attraction for each other could not overcome a moment of awkwardness when Kaylee made a joke about us having made love last night. My confused memory and clear shock led her to confess she was only joking. Her laughter at my expense was funny, but deep down I had wanted to make love to her, and her raw way of saying it so openly caused me to have endless dreams of Kaylee last night. I barely slept and I'm now quite exhausted"

Mmmm, she'd have to ask him what kind of dreams and if had done anything to "satisfy" himself after. Kaylee realized that for many pages Simon had barely mentioned River and she sensed it was at this time that River was starting to become more like she is now. However, the event with the knife attack on Jayne and the events on Ariel she had yet to read about. She yawned and stretched, and felt it was time for sleep or she too would be exhausted in the morning. She had a full day tomorrow, with an whole ship electronics check to be done, a check of their water supply, a fault panel on the bridge to check, a radiation inspection of the engine room, and it was also Kaylee's turn to make supper. Perhaps they would raid the food supplies again in the cargo hold and have something nice. She'd have to ask the Capt'n first. Kaylee changed to her silk night dress and slowly crawled into bed, lying down next to her man, hoping he was having dreams of carnal pleasure with her.


	8. Chapter 8 Out of Gas

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 8 – Out of Gas**

Morning came too quickly for Kaylee and she felt like she needed another hour or two of sleep to feel right. It was her own fault, staying awake, reading Simon's journal to the wee hours, her eagerness to know everything overcoming her common sense which told her she needed her rest also. She felt Simon tug on her shoulder one more time and she turned her back to him, snuggling up under the covers and facing the wall.

"Ten more minutes," she managed to croak, her mouth dry.

"You said that ten minutes ago," Simon teased. "And twenty minutes ago also. Mal's been asking for you. And River is eager to start the electronics diagnostics."

Kaylee groaned. Slowly she turned and looked at him. Simon was already dressed and looked like he had washed and shaved also. "What time is it?"

"Almost nine," he said with a smile and she sat up immediately.

"What? You should've wakened me!" she exclaimed.

"Well, I've been trying. Just seems you want to stay in bed all day," he said. Then Simon grew more serious. "You aren't sick…are you?" He immediately put a hand to her forehead.

"No. Just…went to bed late…was reading… you know."

He took his hand away. "Oh. How far did you get?"

"Canton. Jayne the hero. You having dreams about having sex with me." She grinned as she said this last, waiting for his reaction.

His reaction was puzzled. "Ah, I didn't exactly write that I dreamed of …of making love, did I? I can't remember. Wasn't…no I 'm sure I wrote I just dreamed...about you." He turned to the desk and grabbed the notebook but Kaylee was at his side in a flash and took it from him. He didn't protest and just looked at her, hair disheveled, silk night dress askew, looking very lovely in the morning.

"You dreamed about making love to me, didn't you?" she said, holding the book to her chest, an impish grin on her face.

Simon smiled. "Ok, you're right. I didn't write it but after that joke you made about us making love, I couldn't get the thought out of my head."

He sat on the bed and Kaylee put the journal on the desk and sat beside him. "Usually after one of my "brushes with death", of which there have been many since River and I came on board Serenity, I have nightmares."

"I know baby. So do I," she replied, both growing quiet thinking on their many such close shaves.

"But after that man, that partner of Jayne's, beat me and threatened to kill me, you were there and all I could think of was you. I think that's, well, that's when I…. began to love you."

She hugged him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I think the same happened to me. When I saw you laying in the dirt, that monster standing over you with a shotgun, my heart almost broke in two."

He said "I love you" and she replied the same and Simon kissed her forehead and stroked her hair and Kaylee held her husband for a long time, the two just enjoying the presence of each other. Then Kaylee remembered something else from the journal.

"Said you couldn't sleep. Did you do anything…to relieve the tension?"

He was aghast she had asked such a question. "Kaylee! That's something…I…let's not talk about that."

"Why not? Everyone does it."

"Maybe…but…wait…you've…done it?"

"Course. Many times. Thinking of…you mostly, before we finally did it."

He just looked at her in amazement. "I've never met someone so…open like you."

"Want to hear the details?" she teased, rubbing his back, leaning in close, brushing her lips on his neck, feeling his beating pulse…and then a knock came to the door.

"Simon? Kaylee?" It was River.

"Come in, River" Simon said, a little too hasty and Kaylee groaned in disappointment.

"Tell me later," Simon whispered. "I do want to know."

Kaylee felt happy inside and said good morning as River entered. She was dressed in a set of Kaylee's overalls, ready for a day of work as apprentice to Kaylee.

"All ready, sweetie?" Kaylee asked.

"Aye, boss. Whenever you are," she replied and looked at Simon. "Jayne's been asking for you. His shoulder. He's in the infirmary."

Simon signed. "Ok. Guess the real world needs us." He stood and said goodbye to Kaylee and River and made his way to the infirmary.

Kaylee stood and put the journal back with the rest of Simon's books. River looked at it, fingered the spine of its red leather cover.

"Found Simon's journal," she said matter-of-factly. Kaylee looked at her in shock.

"You…know about this?"

"Read most of it." She replied and then said to Kaylee in a conspiratorial tone. "He doesn't know, does he?"

"He gave it to me," Kaylee replied. "Didn't want any secrets between us. But he doesn't know…you read it?"

"Nope. He'd be mad. Very private you know. Well, I guess you do know. Just wanted to see what he wrote about everyone. He really hated Jayne and Mal at first. Maybe Jayne still. He always kept diaries when we were growing up. I always read them and he never knew. He gets all mushy about women, like with you." She rolled her eyes at this.

Kaylee couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You mean…he wrote about other women?"

"Always. And about medicine, operations, our parents, me. His brain is always overflowing with information which he has to get out as soon as possible. Then he goes back over it again to see what he thought and wrote. But this one is different. Well, mostly, because we're here, and because of what has happened. With me. Serenity. And because of you."

"Me?"

"Yeah. He did marry you. That never happened before."

"Oh…that's…good."

"So, are we working today?" and just like that River changed the topic and seemed no more interested in the journal.

"Ah, yeah, just let me use the washroom, get changed and grab a quick bite. I'll see you in the engine room in say, twenty minutes?"

River smiled and left Kaylee and Simon's room without another word. Her reading Simon's journal took Kaylee totally by surprise. She knew everything about his search for a cure for River, about his feelings for Kaylee, about what he thought of the other crew members, about Simon's suspicions about her mind reading abilities. She wasn't sure how Simon would react if he found out. He never got angry at River, despite her fears he would get mad. She had never seen him once shout at her or say anything negative about River. He was totally supportive and protective of her and it was true love. Kaylee didn't feel jealous because it was a different kind of love, the way she felt about the Capt'n or her father. Her and Simon's love was more intense, more all consuming, and very physical, to the point where if she didn't see him for a long stretch, even a few hours, she began to ache for just a few seconds contact with him.

She dressed, used the washroom, and made her way past the infirmary, wanting to stop a few moments to tell Simon what she was up to. Jayne was on the examining table and Simon was tending to his shoulder.

"No more weights until this heals!" Simon said in an exasperated voice to Jayne as he repaired the stitching in Jayne's shoulder.

"I gotta stay in shape, Doc."

"Three days. Promise me."

Jayne grunted. "Alright. Three days." Jayne spotted Kaylee. "Morning, sleepy head. Mal's looking for you."

"He say why?"

"Nope."

Simon turned, smiled at Kaylee. "Lots to do?"

"I'll be busy all morning. See you for lunch?" she asked.

"Sure. Have a good day," he said.

"You, too."

Jayne laughed. "Swear you two weren't gonna be on the same ship all day."

Simon just looked at him. "It's called marriage."

"Remind me to never say 'I do'," Jayne retorted.

Kaylee laughed. "Oh Jayne, some woman'll sweep you off you feet and you'll say " I do" 'for you know it."

Jayne grinned. "She better be a mighty big woman to sweep me off my feet." And they laughed, even Simon a little.

Kaylee made her way to the upper level and ran into the Capt'n in the dinning area. He was sitting, looking at the invoice for the cargo. He smiled when he saw her.

"Morning."

"Morning, Capt'n. Been looking for me?"

"Yeah," he began. "What did Simon say?"

Then it came to Kaylee. He's wondering if they are leaving or not.

"Oh, Capt'n, didn't get a chance to talk again on that. I'll get to that first chance I get. Sorry."

"It's OK. Still a few more days to Persephone. Have some breakfast. Things to do."

She hesitated a moment, looked around, no one was about. "Did you talk to…?"

He quickly cut her off. "No. Not yet. Ain't had a …chance to."

"Oh. Well, still a few more days."

"Yeah." Was all he said and then he walked to the fore hall and headed for the bridge without another word. Kaylee sat down, glum, worried about all the changes to come, her and the Capt'n both putting off things that needed deciding.

She quickly ate some oatmeal and had a cup of tea, finishing just as River appeared from the fore hall, looking kind of strange. She looked at Kaylee and Kaylee got an uncomfortable feeling.

"You know, too," was all she said.

"River?" but River walked past and said, "Electronics check." And headed to the engine room. Kaylee thought on what River was talking about. She had just come from the bridge where the Capt'n was…oh, about Inara. River knew and knew that Kaylee knew. It was too confusing to think on now and Kaylee put her dishes away and went to the engine room.

The check took all morning and involved testing all the circuits and panels, lights and outlets. Each station and room had to be tested. It was part of the Capt'n's attempt to make Serenity more legitimate by getting a yearly inspection sticker while on Persephone. He could have bought one on the black market, but since the time when they had all almost died when the engine blew, he wasn't too inclined to take shortcuts when it came to the ship if they could afford it. The cargo in the hold was worth a lot and the Capt'n expected a good payday on Persephone. The repairs made after they crashed on Mr. Universe's moon were only four months ago and he had Kaylee check and re-check them as often as possible. Kaylee didn't mind since it was what she loved and knew that if something was wrong it needed to be fixed before it caused bigger problems.

A panel on the bridge had a burnt out light which was easy to fix. Inara stood by quietly as they tested her shuttle and gave it a passing grade and then Kaylee and River tested Shuttle II and after that invaded the crew quarters and tested there. Kaylee looked fondly on her old room and her memories there but it was too small for her and Simon together. Zoe's room still had memories of Wash and one of his dinosaurs was on a shelf, all by itself, and Kaylee almost started to cry when she saw it. Jayne made sure he hurried to his room before they got to it and they heard him tearing something off the walls before he called them down. Kaylee caught the corner of a picture of a naked woman sticking out from under his blanket and stifled a laugh, wondering why Jayne was concerned about whether they saw that or not. Perhaps he wasn't as crude as Simon thought he was. The Capt'n's room was last and it was cluttered as usually. Kaylee watered his plant and straightened his desk, made his bed, and put away his clothes. River did the tests as Kaylee did this and then when she turned River just looked at her and said, "I've done the same for Simon. In the past."

Simon stood by while they tested his medical equipment, helping them calibrate the scanner. After that they all had lunch, Inara, Zoe, and Jayne joining them. The Capt'n was nowhere to be seen and came only when the rest had almost finished. He and Inara exchanged pleasantries but it was stiff and formal and it was not lost on the rest. Zoe was as confused as the others and Kaylee knew the Capt'n hadn't told her yet. After lunch Zoe cornered Kaylee in the kitchen while they both tidied up.

"What's going on?" she asked. "Tween the Captain and Inara?"

"Ain't supposed to say," Kaylee replied, fearing her inability to lie was getting her in trouble again.

Zoe looked at her long and hard.

"Please, Zoe, he made me promise, I ain't even told Simon," Kaylee said quietly.

"She's leaving again, isn't she?"

Kaylee said nothing.

"Gorramn it. When's he just going…say it."

"He won't."

"Doesn't he know time is so short…and all can be… lost."

Kaylee looked at her and saw the sadness in her eyes and just wanted to hug her but knew that wasn't what she wanted.

"Zoe…"

"Simon did the right thing. He loved you and told you."

"Took him long enough."

"But he did it. You wanted him, loved him, didn't you? All those months?"

"More than you can ever imagine."

"I need to have a word with that man."

"Zoe, don't tell him…" Kaylee said in a worried voice.

She just smiled. "Your secret's safe. His ass ain't."

And she stomped away from an astonished Kaylee, knowing a determined Zoe was unstoppable and somehow Kaylee felt better and knew the situation with the Capt'n and Inara would work out.

All afternoon she and River worked on testing the water and septic systems and the radiation check of the engine and by four she and River were exhausted and the Capt'n told them that was enough for the day. He was very subdued and looked like he'd just been a bad boy about something and Kaylee knew Zoe had laid into him.

River went to the bridge to check their course and Kaylee crawled into the shower off the passenger dorm. She felt rejuvenated after the quick cleansing. Showers were limited to two minutes to conserve water. The timer wouldn't allow anymore water flow until an hour passed so it wasn't like they could start again right away. Kaylee could disable it and did on occasion if she was very messy. The others had tried to bribe her to reveal the secret but the Capt'n was very strict about water discipline and she never told them, not even Simon. Serenity could make some water but it was mostly recycled moisture from their breath and was for emergencies. Most of the water they used was pumped on board in two large tanks forward of the shuttles and had to last until they reached a port.

Kaylee was in their room and had just gotten dressed when Simon stopped by for a minute and grabbed his chess board, saying Inara invited him for a game and he couldn't refuse. Inara and Simon were master players and loved to play each other. River had beaten them both and could easily do so again so they'd rather play each other. Kaylee wished him luck gave him a quick kiss, and then picked up the journal and curled up in bed with it. All her work on Serenity today reminded her of the time when she had failed, had almost cost them their lives, because she had been careless.

No one had blamed Kaylee when the engine part blew and Serenity had been knocked out and Zoe almost killed. Jayne even suggested it was the Capt'n's fault for not replacing that part like Kaylee had asked him. The others had said it was no one's fault and the Capt'n never even mentioned it. But deep down, Kaylee would carry the guilt with her for a long time, and felt they had said those things to make her feel better. It was her station, her responsibility, and she had failed.

She picked up Simon's writing again shortly after the events on Higgin's Moon. "River told me she tried to 'fix' Book's Bible, claiming it made no sense at all. I tried to explain it was not about sense, but about belief. Book told me had tried the same tactic but she seemed set on 'repairing' it. Despite our superior education, our lack of a religious upbringing seems to be a hindrance out here. I know all the dogmas of Earth That Was and even some of the new offshoots, but I never really believed in anything, focusing all my efforts on becoming a doctor and then on saving River. Sometimes, I wish I had Book's faith. Unlike the captain, I do believe the others have some form of religions belief. Inara is Buddhist and I believe the rest are Christian, even Jayne, although I'm sure he prays for a bag full of money and a fetching wench more than anything else."

Kaylee herself was Christian and went to church every week as a child. She believed in a God and prayed when she was scared and believe in the Ten Commandments. The one thing she never really cared for though was the whole thing about pre-marital sex and saving yourself for your wedding night. She and her girlfriends on Taos had all lost their virginity at an early age and it was just natural for them. Her parents had caught her that one time and her father gave her a good hiding but Kaylee didn't really care. Pleasure of the flesh was something she felt no religion should deny anyone.

Kaylee scanned the next few pages of the diary, looking for the time when they were adrift. There were several days when he wrote of River and his plans to find the right mix of drugs for her psychosis. He did a lot of research on the Cortex and felt he had the right idea. Now he just needed the drugs to make the plan work. Also, every day there was something about Kaylee, what she did, what she wore, what she said to him. River was right, it was a lot of mush, but Kaylee loved it just the same. She remembered those days and how he seemed to show up where she was or how she caught him looking at her. She enjoyed it but again it was terribly frustrating because they were still dancing around each other, friendly and warm, but not yet taking that next step.

"I wish I were on a planet or moon instead of this ship. I could ask Kaylee on a proper date and have a nice meal and maybe go dancing. I feel so restricted here, with everyone living on top of each other, not seeing blue skies or sunlight for days, weeks at a time, always worried about stepping off the ship for fear of the Alliance and the bounty on our heads. Again, I also fear taking my feelings for Kaylee further for I do not wish to start something I can't finish or might have to run away from. I couldn't do that to her no matter how much I desire or maybe even love her."

There it was. The word she had been looking for. Love. He did start to love her at this time. But it wasn't enough. All his reasons for not carrying the relationship further at that time made sense to Kaylee in hindsight but she never understood them at the time. Sometimes she felt she just wasn't good enough for him. He was a doctor from the core, she was a mechanic from the rim, and maybe he thought she was beneath him and his station in life. She still had those feeling sometimes. Kaylee had never met his parents except for that brief wave message on their wedding day. She'd never been to Osiris or been to any fancy social functions. Well, except for that time on Persephone and that had been a disaster. Those – bitches – had seen her dress wasn't good enough and she had acted like a real hick. Kaylee felt a sense of hopelessness about her future with Simon but just for a brief moment. A memory of her father saved her from despair. The day she left on Serenity she had only been 17 but he treated her like she was an adult. "Remember. You're a Frye. Ain't no one in the verse better than you. Be honest, listen to your Captain, and do your job. Make me proud." And he kissed her and she started crying a little as she kissed and hugged her mother and then she ran to the ship before she broke down completely.

She felt good for a few moments and then remembered she hadn't done her job that one time and they had all almost died.

"Life on Serenity has once again almost seen the end of not only me and River but of the entire crew this time. We were on a journey to Greenleaf, making our way through a very empty quadrant of space to avoid the Alliance, when disaster struck. Captain Reynolds once again pulled us back to the land of the living and I think now I would follow that man to hell and back if he asked me to. His leadership and willingness to sacrifice himself for others came to the fore this time and without it we would have perished."

"We had just finished dinner and everyone was in a good mood, all nine of us together for a change. Kaylee surprised me with a birthday cake and I discovered that they all knew it was my birthday. I had not expected anything and didn't tell anyone it was my birthday, not wanting any special attention. Reynolds said they found out from an arrest warrant for me and River that came on the Cortex. The warmth I felt from them, even from Jayne for a moment, made me feel that I was part of this crew after all. Kaylee's warm smile as she placed the cake in front of me was wonderful. I looked at her for a long moment and thanked her and she visible blushed in front of everyone."

Indeed she had! God, his smile and blue eyes burned holes in her. The Capt'n had told her the day before that it was going to be Simon's birthday and suggested she make a cake. The way he said it, it wasn't like an order, but kind of an understanding passed between them that this would be a good way for Kaylee to do something nice for Simon. The Capt'n and the rest knew she was crazy for Simon and he had even suggested she and Simon stay in that bar after Kaylee told him things were going "well". The cake had been hard to make since they had no flour. She managed to put together something of a fruit bar, cracker, and protein bar cake, mostly dried goods. The icing was at least real, with some sugar and chocolate powder. Well, it wasn't a masterpiece, but Kaylee had been proud of that cake. Unfortunately, no one got a chance to taste it.

"The lights suddenly went out and the engine stopped and started. Kaylee moved to check the engine room and Wash made to go look at the cockpit controls when the explosion happened. A ball of fire raced down the aft hall and Kaylee froze. I believe she would have died if Zoe hadn't leaped to her and pushed her out of the way. Everything happened fast after that. Kaylee bounced off the dining lounge sofa and Zoe flew through the air towards us and the explosion threw Zoe, River, Jayne and me into a tumbled mess of bodies, chairs, dishes and food on the far side of the room. My ears rang and head ached and the first thing I saw was River was OK and Book and Inara racing for Kaylee, who was getting up and didn't seem hurt. I turned and Zoe was unconscious and Jayne and Wash were looking at her. A quick examination showed her breathing was shallow and her heart rate weak. As I took all this in Reynolds kept his cool and he and Jayne closed off all air vets to below decks. I believe Reynolds then opened the front air lock and the fire was sucked out of the ship."

This caused their momentum forward to slow and then stop. Reading his description of what happened did not come near to describing the experience as Kaylee remembered. There was the ball of fire and she thought she was dead. Her mind couldn't force her body to move and if Zoe hadn't….she's sure she would have died, not physically as strong as Zoe. The shock would have killed her and that would have been….the end. Death came close to Kaylee several times and she shuddered as she remembered each time. But this time it wasn't a lawman or Niska's men or a Reaver that tried to kill her…it was her engine, her ship, her lady, and if she had died it would have been all her own fault and no one else's.

"After the fire was out we raced Zoe to the infirmary. A quick scan revealed that she injured her head. There was no blood but swelling and her brain functions were very low. I feared that if her brain swelled too much I would be forced to open her skull to…."

Oh, here he goes again. But this time Kaylee wanted to know, wanted to know how much Zoe had suffered in saving her life. She felt she owned Zoe that much.

"…relieve the pressure. It involves removing a section of the skull and allowing the brain to swell outside. A human brain is remarkable in that it can be exposed and not be damaged. But it would have been risky with the less than adequate facilities we have and the lack of trained personnel to assist me and I am glad I never had to do it. At this time Reynolds again showed his ability to focus on the problems at hand. Wash naturally was worried sick about his wife and refused to go to the bridge to find out what had happened until he knew Zoe was going to be fine. He and the captain had a heated argument which ended with Reynolds throwing Wash against the wall and Wash leaving for the bridge. I understand both men. Zoe could have died and Wash was emotionally a mess but Reynolds had more than Zoe to worry about, he had all nine of us and his ship and he needed Wash at his post. Zoe and the captain are very close and I'm sure he was worried sick about her too but he knew what had to be done and did it to keep us alive."

Kaylee had missed that argument. She had been in the engine room, looking at the mess the explosion and fire had made. The fire had destroyed her hammock and left scorch marks everywhere. But that was nothing compared to what it had done to the engine. She immediately saw that the engine was dead and the catalyzer on the port compression coil was…gone. She looked and finally found it under the engine, the connection to the engine nothing but twisted and torn metal. Kaylee tried to replace it but it wouldn't fit. She also realized that the auxiliary life support system was knocked out. Kaylee switched it off and on several times and it failed to reboot. She opened the panel and saw all the circuits had been fried and were useless. Then it dawn on her that they could very well die. And she had to be the one to tell the others.

"Zoe's heart stopped…"

What? No one told her that!

"…and I managed to bring her back with a sot of pure adrenaline straight to the heart."

My God, she had…died! Well, Simon hadn't written that but her heart had stopped…for how long? He saved her, like he saved Kaylee, and later saved the Capt'n, saved River, and Kaylee wondered how they had survived those years without Simon on board. Luck and more luck was all she could think of.

"As Zoe stabilized the news that we were dead in space and with failing life support was received with grim horror by the crew. I felt a sense of hopelessness and sadness, believing it was my last day and also my birthday. Dieing from lack of oxygen is not pleasant. River seemed unfazed and matter-of-factly said we would freeze to death first. She wasn't upset or worried about what was going on and I wish I could say the same for myself. All of the crew seemed to want to be alone and we moved and said little. I stayed near Zoe in case she took a turn for the worse. Inara and I tried to comfort each other but our fears of death overshadowed all."

Inara and he…what did he mean, "comfort each other"? Why didn't he look for her?

"Kaylee was busy trying to solve our problems and I didn't want to disturb her and felt I couldn't leave Zoe's side anyway. I had so much I wanted to say to Kaylee but it seemed pointless now…"

Pointless?! Men! She needed someone to comfort her then. Kaylee was almost in tears of frustration, trying to repair the engine and then she just…gave up. The Capt'n found her sitting on the engine floor, the broken part in her hands, and she tried to explain to him and he just wouldn't give up, never gave up, kept encouraging her, trying to find a way to solve their problem and there was no way. But he wouldn't give up. Simon was right, they all felt this was it except the Capt'n. And he saved them.

"Reynolds called us all together and presented his plan which was an act of desperation. We huddled together in the passenger lounge, cold and short of breath. He ordered us off the ship in the shuttles, Kaylee, Book, Jayne and Inara in her shuttle, Zoe, Wash, River and me in the other. We were to go off in different directions and hope to be rescued. When Kaylee asked if he was coming, Reynolds shocked us all by saying he was staying with Serenity, hoping a distress call we sent would attract attention. No one said it, but we all thought he was going to die, and a lot sooner than the rest of us. It seemed as if the captain was willing to sacrifice himself a few more hours of life in a desperate hope that someone would by chance pass by and save us. That his plan worked in the end makes it no less foolhardy and desperate. I can see now why he was respected by his soldiers in the war and why Zoe is so loyal."

Kaylee had wanted to cry so badly. The guilt was consuming her believing she had failed them all. The engines were her responsibility. Shepard Book put a comforting arm around her and said it would all work out but Kaylee didn't believe him. She wanted Simon to put an arm around her, kiss her, but he was gone to get Zoe ready for the shuttle. She went to the infirmary and looked at him.

"Kaylee came to the infirmary as I prepared Zoe for the shuttle. I asked her to help me and we placed Zoe on a stretcher. After that was done we just looked at each other. I touched her shoulder and said we would see each other again. A tear came to her eye and I brushed it away, told her not to cry, have faith. Just then Wash and River came in and it was time to leave. I looked at Kaylee for what I thought was the last time. I didn't really believe we had any hope at all. That's where Reynolds and I differ. Logically we all should have died. But Reynolds isn't a very logical man and that makes all the difference."

She had wanted to hug him, kiss him, say she loved him, but the words got stuck and she had froze again, then the others came and he made no move to her and the moment was gone, it was time to leave. She didn't ever have a chance to say good-bye to the Capt'n and her heart was breaking as she sat on the bed of Inara's shuttle as they left Serenity for what she thought was the last time.

"We traveled for about two hours, Wash operating the controls and radioing for help. Then Zoe woke up and played her role in saving us all. She ordered us back to Serenity to get Reynolds and Wash didn't refuse. We arrived back at the ship and immediately saw it was moving and the engine seemed to be operating. We realized the captain had fixed the ship but didn't know why he hadn't called us back. Wash had rigged up a recall system in case help had arrived. Wash and I came off the shuttle, felt the warmth and fresh air and then I saw the blood on the cargo bay floor. As Wash raced to the bridge to called back the other shuttle I ran to the cargo bay and followed the blood to the infirmary where I found more blood and a mess. Then Wash screamed over the intercom to get to the bridge. The captain was face down on the floor, shot in the side, almost dead and we dragged him to the infirmary. I immediately set to work and we had only arrived just in time for he had lost a lot of blood. I hooked Wash up with a direct transfusion to Reynolds. As I prepared to remove the bullet from Reynolds, the other shuttle returned and we were all together again."

Kaylee's trip had been a bit different. Jayne played with his guns, worried that some criminals would find them and he'd have to protect two women and a Shepherd. Inara burned incense and prayed to Buddha, which Jayne found strange. Book was a fountain of optimism in their despair, trying to find a way to extend the shuttle's range. Kaylee set the controls so the fuel would last longer and this saved them in the end, allowing them to return to Serenity before the fuel ran out. Kaylee felt some pride from this, but it couldn't overcome her feelings of guilt, despite the assurances of the others that it wasn't her fault. When they were recalled to the ship Kaylee's heart swelled with emotion, and all four realized they weren't going to die. Seeing the Capt'n near death tempered her feeling of joy at seeing Simon and the others. Later she and Simon had a moment alone together and told each other their shuttle stories and he just looked at her and said, "I knew I would see you again." Ha, that's not what he wrote, but Kaylee felt it pointless to bring this up with him now.

"We had a lot of cleaning up to do and Kaylee inspected the engine and all our systems, worried that the freezing temperatures had damaged something else. Reynolds is still in the infirmary but Zoe is up and about, although under orders to do no work. We finally got the story from Reynolds about what happened. A salvage ship had gotten our distress call and had a replacement for our damaged part. When the captain had let them on board they shot him and tried to steal the ship. Fortunately he had a hidden weapon and forced them off the ship. Jayne swore he'd killed them all if they came across them again. The captain managed to fix the engine but passed out on the bridge before he could recall us. If Zoe hadn't woken up when she did we'd all be dead now. We are thankful to be alive and perhaps I will say a pray to the Shepherd's Lord tonight. We are about a day out from Greenleaf now and I asked Reynolds if he wanted to check into a real hospital and he replied that I was his doctor and the infirmary was good enough. I suspect he wants to avoid any questions about how he got shot. As I talked with him Kaylee arrived and he asked her what she needed for the engine and she gave him a long list. We laughed as he said he'd get whatever she wanted, even if he had to steal it."

Well, they didn't get everything she wanted, but more often than not, the Capt'n was willing to splurge on the engine when they could afford it. Kaylee closed the journal as Simon re-entered their room.

"Did you win?" she asked as he said hi and put away his chess set.

"Ah, no. She's quite the player. Companion training, I guess."

"Yeah," she said but her mind was elsewhere and he sensed it.

"Something wrong?"

"Simon, when we we're adrift that time, when the explosion happened, did you and the others blame me for what happened?"

"What? No, Kaylee, why would we?"

"Cause I'm the mechanic and it was my responsibility."

"Well, to tell the truth, I think we all put it to…fate…I guess. Like a patient I had once, He seemed fine, had a check up, was healthy, walked out of my office and dropped death of a brain aneurysm. A blood vessel in his brain burst. No one blamed me. He was only 40 years old, there was no history of such problems in his family, and he wasn't a smoker or heavy drinker. It just…happened. Nothing could be done and no one could save him."

"I see your point but…I could have prevented it…if I had been more careful."

He could see that Kaylee was full of guilt even after all these months since it had happened. He sat with her on the bed and held her hand. "Kaylee, that was a while ago. We survived. Feeling bad about it isn't going to change the fact that it happened. Everyone on this ship loves you and no one blames you. Blaming is just an endless cycle of people trying to avoid responsibility for their actions. But you've accepted responsibility, perhaps too much, and it s eating away inside of you. Let it go, you are forgiven."

His words made her feel much better and she smiled and he hugged her, making it all seem better. He looked at her and said, "Now, you were going to tell me something earlier about how you…you know."

Kaylee grinned, "Oh Doctor, I think I'll save that for a bedtime story."

"Well, were in bed now, aren't we?"

She looked at him in mock shock, "Why Doctor Tam, I do believe you're getting a filthy mind!"

"It's the people I'm hanging out with. Tell me everything. Spare no details," he almost begged.

She started to take off her clothes. "Even better. I'll show you." And she saw his eyes go wide and he gulped and Kaylee knew the rest of this afternoon was going to be very enjoyable indeed.


	9. Chapter 9 Ariel

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 9 – Ariel**

Kaylee and Simon lay gasping in each others arms, bodies as one, the thrill of love making lingering as they slowly recovered from their exertions. Neither said a word as they looked into each others eyes, Kaylee's hand slowly tracing the contours of his body, marveling at how he could bring her to the heights of ecstasy. She had demonstrated to him how she could pleasure herself and as he had sat and watched her he lost control and had to join her.

As Kaylee had removed her clothing she told Simon to do the same and he hadn't protested. He sat naked in the chair pulled up by the bed and she made him promise not to touch himself, no matter how much he wanted to as Kaylee demonstrated how she pleasured herself. She lay on the bed and closed her eyes, letting her mind drift to her fantasies, her secret desires, and memories of wonderful love making with her husband, as she slowly moved her hands over her body, touching her sweet secret places and bringing pleasure to herself. Her groans of ecstasy couldn't hide the sound of Simon's breathing as it got sharper and faster and she sensed his growing excitement. She opened an eye and saw he was fully aroused and then suddenly he couldn't stand it anymore and was between her legs, his mouth and tongue everywhere, probing her inner sanctum, bringing her to a shuddering climax not once but twice before he raised his body and entered her, slowly moving in her, holding off his own climax, making her groan with desire, finally both reaching that sweet moment together.

After a long time she finally found the energy to speak. "That was…"

"Fantastic," he finished the thought for her.

"Yeah," she replied and that was all the energy she had.

More time passed and they even slept for a while. Then Kaylee felt the urge to go to the bathroom and slowly untangled herself from Simon and put on her slippers and Simon's robe. She went to the desk and found her birth control drugs and popped a little green pill from the package. Inara had recommended them as the best way to enjoy sex and avoid pregnancy. You just take one after love making and no worries. It was something that was developed on Earth That Was over 500 years ago and there hadn't been a need to modify it much since. They had condoms also, but neither Simon nor Kaylee liked them very much and the pills were more effective in preventing pregnancy.

Not that Kaylee didn't want to have babies, 'cause she certainly did and so did Simon. But not now, not while they we're so uncertain of the future and certainly not aboard a spaceship, even one she loved as much as Serenity. Babies needed a home and a stable environment and schools and other children to play with. None of that was to be found on Serenity, except maybe the home part.

She exited the room and took a quick peek to make sure no one was around. The passenger lounge was empty so Kaylee quickly crossed and entered the bathroom and popped the pill in her mouth and washed it down with some water from the tap. She looked in the mirror at her disheveled reflection and smiled at how naughty she had been, showing Simon how she pleasured herself. She had never done that for a man before but she had wanted to. His reaction was perfect. Kaylee had many fantasies and that was one she could now cross off her list. Now if she could just get him alone in the engine room, when no one was about.

After using the bathroom, Kaylee came out and was about to cross back to the room when Inara said hello.

Kaylee gave a start and turned to her. "Oh, Inara, you surprised me, no one here few minutes ago."

Inara looked radiate as always, even when she had no clients to meet. She was standing by the book shelf and had one in her hand.

"I just came to find something to read. Not much of a selection."

"Yeah, guess we should get some new ones on Persephone."

Inara looked at her closely and then smiled. "Having fun with the doctor?"

Kaylee couldn't help but blush. "Ah, yeah. Lots of fun."

"Is that his robe?"

"Uh-huh, I love wearing it. So big and comfortable. He's sleeping now."

Inara smiled. "So you're free? Let's have a chat, shall we?"

Kaylee looked around. "Here? Now? I ain't exactly dressed proper…"

"No, my shuttle, say ten minutes?

Kaylee smiled. "Okay. That'd be nice. See you there."

Inara left with the book in her hand and Kaylee returned to the room. Simon was awake and as she changed clothes into a t-shirt and slacks she told him where she was going and gave him a long lingering kiss and hug. He reminded her it was her turn to make supper and it was a good thing 'cause Kaylee had totally forgotten. It was now almost five so she'd have to have a short talk with Inara.

The shuttle was clean and cozy as always and Inara had made some green tea for them. Kaylee sat and sipped as Inara began to talk.

"Mal told you I'm leaving again, didn't he?"

"Ah, yeah. Gonna miss you."

"I don't want to leave Kaylee," she confessed.

Kaylee beamed. "Then stay!"

"Oh, he's so stubborn and bullheaded! Why doesn't he ask me to stay?"

"Cause he won't. Inara, why did you say you'd leave if you don't want to?"

"I can't be around him and not be with him anymore. I…." And she couldn't say the words.

"You love him, don't you?'

She almost started crying. "It's crazy but I do!"

"I knew it! He feels the same."

"What?"

"Told me so himself just yesterday."

"Then why doesn't he say anything to me!"

Kaylee could feel her anguish having gone through so much of the same with Simon. "He's a man. He's torn between his feelings for you and all the ifs and buts of the situation."

"Simon was the same, wasn't he?"

"Ha, more than you can imagine. He was so full of doubt."

"What do I do?"

"I guess being a Companion doesn't prepare you for falling in love."

"No. Not really," she said in a sad voice.

"It'll work out. Trust me. You ain't leaving Serenity."

Inara smiled at her friend. "You're always so optimistic. Thanks."

"I'm just downstairs you ever need to be cheered up."

"I know. Just, you and Simon need your privacy, too."

"Ain't much of that here." Kaylee felt she had to tell Inara. "Truth is, he wants to leave."

Inara wasn't totally surprised. "I've been waiting for that."

"You have?"

"Yes. Simon's desire to find a home for you and River is not surprising. In fact I expected it right after your wedding."

"Yeah, we've been talking on it and avoiding it at the same time. Big decision."

"Well, wherever you go, always stay in touch."

"You know I will."

They chatted for another ten minutes or so about their future plans and Kaylee's desire to have children and soon they were cheerfully deciding on boys and girls names and the bad feelings of a short time ago seemed to grow less. Then a knock came to the door and it was Simon reminding Kaylee it was time to prepare supper. Kaylee and Inara made their goodbyes and Kaylee went off with Simon. She didn't have time to ask for the Capt'n's permission to raid the cargo food supplies so she just whipped up what was at hand. Simon helped cut vegetables for a beef broth soup for a starter and she boiled some pasta for an entrée. They had no fresh tomatoes so they used canned tomato paste to make the sauce. A few spices made it seem much better and within thirty minutes the crew had gathered for the meal. As they sat and began to eat the soup, Kaylee busied herself preparing an instant chocolate pudding for dessert. Simon finally dragged her from the kitchen and made her sit and eat.

All praised Kaylee on her culinary skills and the mood was somewhat cheery as even Mal and Inara seemed to be more relaxed and in a good mood. It was Jayne's turn to wash up but he complained about his shoulder hurting and brought up Simon's orders to do no work. Kaylee tried to volunteer but Mal said she had done enough for one day and stood and started collecting the dishes himself to the shock of everyone. In Kaylee's memory the Capt'n had never washed a dish on Serenity and rarely cooked. It was a kind of tradition about space ships, even the smallest, that the captain didn't do any domestic chores. Kaylee even had to show him where the dish detergent was and then stood back and let him get to work. Inara made tea and coffee for everyone and then Jayne wanted to start a card game and everyone joined in, no one wanting to leave while Mal was doing the dishes, all waiting for him to give up in exasperation or break a plate. But he just stood and did the job and hummed a little tune and never complained.

"How you doing, sir?" Zoe asked in her half-mocking tone.

"Now, Zoe," he called out. "I get the feeling you all don't trust me to know how to clean a plate or two. Seems you forget I did a lot of this during the war and in that prison camp."

"That you did, sir, that you did," she replied.

Kaylee was curious abut their time in prison and saw an opening to ask as Jayne won another hand and the deal passed to Simon. "What was it like? In the prison camp."

The cheerful mood grew a little dim and Zoe's eyes got sharp and Mal stopped his washing and turned to listen. "Kaylee…I don't think…" Simon started but Zoe interrupted him.

"No, it's OK, Simon. Guess you're all curious about that."

Silent looks all around. "Weren't no picnic," said Mal and then he continued to wash.

Zoe got quiet for a moment and then spoke. "Half our men were wounded when we entered that camp on Hera and many died in the first few days. Serenity Valley was only a few miles away and the stench was overpowering. We spent the first month trudging out there every day, collecting ID discs from the dead, ours and theirs, digging big holes, having mass burials. Then they had us collecting the burned out rollers and smashed high flyers, collecting weapons for repair or destruction or scrap. They were always keeping a close eye on us; we were always short on rations, all of us losing weight, still wearing the rags we surrendered in."

"Anyone try to escape?" Jayne asked, the card game forgotten for the moment.

"Not from our camp. Captain ordered us to stay put," Zoe said. They all looked to Mal.

"No where to go," Mal said as he finished the last dish and walked over to the table. "Whole planet was Alliance. We were ground pounders, not a pilot among us, no one to fly us out if we managed to steal a ship. We knew the war would be over soon. Just hoping to survive to the end. Too many…just too many…" And he grew silent.

"Captain kept us together, kept our spirits up, kept the rest of us alive till it was over," Zoe said and they all looked at him as he stared off silently, his face full of pain and memories..

.Kaylee felt so terrible having brought the subject up.. "Sorry Zoe, Capt'n, didn't mean to…"

Zoe interrupted her. "It's OK Kaylee. Too much hiding from the truth round here." She looked at Mal, her face deadly serious. "Time we talked on things, sir. A lot of things."

He just looked at her, his face full of emotion, said "Not now," and then turned away and walked toward the fore hall, and then down to his room. Zoe looked at Inara, and Inara nodded and got up to follow Mal. The last they saw of her was her dropping down into Mal's room.

Simon put an arm round Kaylee's shoulder and gave her a hug. She knew he knew she felt bad and she did.

River broke the silence. "She knows. Inara knows"

"I told her," was all Kaylee could say.

Jayne and Simon both had confused looks. "What the hell is going on?' Jayne said.

"Beats me," said Simon and all three women looked at the two men like they were the stupidest things in the verse.

"Shall I explain?" Kaylee asked.

"Be my guest," said Zoe and River remained silent, looking at her cards from the now forgotten game.

"They love each other but are terrified to tell each other," Kaylee explained.

"Oh," said Jayne. "I knew that."

"No, you didn't," said River matter-of-factly and they all laughed and Jayne was about to protest and then realized she had probably read his mind.

"Don't get too comfortable inside my head, little River. Lots of scary stuff there," the big mercenary warned.

"Not as scary as what's in my head," she replied and said nothing more.

Kaylee sensed Simon didn't want to talk on River's problems in front of everyone and he quickly brought up a point they had all thought on. "But…Inara…she's a Companion. Don't the rules forbid personal relationships?"

"They do," replied Zoe. "But to the hell with the rules when it comes to love, I say. Captain hated me and Wash being together, just hated it." And she gave a little chuckle. "Remember Kaylee? We were always hiding, sneaking around. God, it was fun."

No one said a word and then Zoe realized why. "Look. You all stop acting like I'm dead, too. Wash is dead, I ain't."

"Oh, Zoe, we all miss him so much. Just can't help but feel bad for you," Kaylee said and she started to get a little weepy.

"Don't you start crying Kaylee or I will too and I done enough of that," said Zoe, her voice breaking and Kaylee tried to control herself and couldn't and then Zoe shed a few tears, fighting to control her emotions, and Simon hugged Kaylee and a few tears came to his eyes, also. Jayne stood and went to the kitchen cupboards, opened a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of powerful stuff and went back to the table. River had gone to Zoe's side and was hugging her and saying how sorry she was and Zoe said it wasn't her fault and Kaylee was a mess of tears and broke free of Simon and hugged Zoe, too. Jayne grabbed their empty coffee and tea cups and poured out drinks. He and Simon silently waited for the women to calm down.

"Have a drink, ladies," Jayne said. Kaylee and River remained next to Zoe and they all picked up the cups.

Zoe looked at them. "I love you all. Wash did too and so did Book. To Wash and Book. Let's remember the good times." And they all had a drink, Jayne finishing his in one shot, the others gasping.

"What the hell is this?" Zoe managed to get out.

"151 overproof Chinese bamboo wine. Put hair on your chest." Jayne said as he poured another drink.

"I don't want any hair on my chest,' said River and she pushed the cup away.

"I think there's something a little more 'drinkable'," Kaylee said and went to the cabinets and returned with a bottle of sake and three fresh cups which she put in front of herself, Zoe, and River

Simon looked at her. "Ah, I think I need…"

Kaylee just shook her head. "Uh-uh, you and Jayne can finish that . Besides, you need some hair on your chest!" and everyone had a good laugh at Simon's expense again.

"Hey, I thought you liked my chest!" Simon said in mock anger.

"I do and every other part," Kaylee said in a mischievous manner.

Jayne grunted. "Now, you two gonna get mushy we'll have to end this party."

"Don't like mushy," said River as she drank the sake, put on a face and drank some more.

"Slow down, River," Simon said.

"I want to get drunk. Never been. Never been a lot of things," she replied.

"I want to get drunk, too," said Kaylee and Simon sighed in exasperation.

"I guess I better stay sober," he replied and he pushed his cup away as Jayne laughed.

They stayed at the table for hours, drinking and talking about their adventures, everyone taking turns telling stories, even River, about her beginning days at the Academy, the few things she could remember. She drank more and more and Simon got worried but she held it well and didn't seem too badly effected, like she had been drinking all her life. Kaylee was different, glowing with the alcohol, growing more giddy and flirtatious, coming back to Simon's side, rubbing her hand on his thighs under the table, making him crazy, leaning on him, rubbing his back. And all this time there was no sign of Mal or Inara.

Kaylee didn't remember when the party ended. She woke up and was in bed with Simon. The wall clock said 6:09 am, ship's time, and Kaylee had an awful headache and a dry mouth. She lay for awhile, listening to the sound of the ship, hoping all was OK. Then it came back to her. Simon had been the only sober one, the alcohol eventually getting to River too, so she and River had to explain to Simon how to check the course and set the power settings. It took a few times 'cause they were laughing so much, but finally he got it right. Then River passed out, lying down in Kaylee's engine room hammock and falling asleep. Kaylee had dragged Simon into the corner of the room on the opposite side and had literally attacked him, pulling off his shirt, hoping for another fantasy to come true today and the desire was there on his part but he couldn't, not with his sister sleeping so close. It was just as well, 'cause just as they finished fixing their clothes Jayne came in.

Jayne had to carry River to her room cause Simon had his hands full with Kaylee, whose legs seem to lose their ability to put one foot in front of the other, and Zoe had long since gone to bed. Simon kept a close eye on Jayne and made sure he was gone from River's room before he tucked her in and turned off her light. Jayne handled his booze well, but he was glassy eyed and had a few lurches to his step as he finally went to bed, also. The Capt'n would have taken a strip off all their hides if he knew all of what had happened but there was still no sign of Inara and Mal when they all went to bed and Kaylee knew something wonderful must have happened between them.

Kaylee needed a drink of water badly and slipped out of bed, clad in her night dress. She didn't remember how she got changed but Simon must have done it. Did they have sex? No, she would have remembered that. Not in the engine room or in bed. They had kissed and hugged for a long time but Kaylee just passed out. She looked at the desk and there was a big glass of water and some headache pills next to it and a note. She grabbed the note.

"I think you will need this in the morning. Love, Simon."

Oh, he was so thoughtful. Also, it sounded a little admonishing. Kaylee rarely got drunk but all the talk last night had got her feeling sad and she just wanted to have a good time. She took the pills and drank the water in one big gulp. She went to the bathroom and then returned, but didn't feel like sleeping again. The headache pills worked a miracle and she was soon feeling much better. Drugs were a wonder of their age. Drugs. Simon was a drug lord, a master mind criminal, a thief just like them. St. Lucie's Hospital on Ariel. God, that was when she had almost lost him. If it hadn't been for Jayne, Simon and River would have been taken by the Alliance. Kaylee wanted to know more and grabbed the journal and began flipping pages.

"We landed on Greenleaf and took on a load of cargo for the outer moons of Greenleaf. Captain Reynolds has at least one friend here and therefore we got this job. I was also able to re-supply the infirmary without leaving the ship. I gave Wash and Kaylee a long list of things we needed and Reynolds did not even argue about the money spent. Kaylee also managed to get some engine parts and other odds and ends. We spend two days on Greenleaf and Kaylee took the time to do a thorough check of all systems. After our last brush with death no one wanted a repeat."

Again Kaylee felt that slight twinge of guilt about her failure to notice something had been wrong in time. Perhaps she would never get over it. The systems check had been exhausting but she and Wash had combed every inch of the ship and fixed a few minor things, but nothing major came up. The trip off ship to get Simon's supplies and the engine parts was a welcome break.

"We left Greenleaf this morning and dropped off supplies on the first moon. Mal asked for…"

What was this? "Mal" not "Reynolds"? Hmmm, perhaps Simon was softening a bit at this time in his opinions about the Capt'n. Then she recalled the first time she had read the journal, just a few days ago, and when she had read about their wedding he had called him Mal, also.

"Mal asked if there was any work for us but nothing came up."

Nor on the next two moons. An empty ship was a ship not making money and the Capt'n had been in a foul mood. His slow recovery from the bullet wound didn't help matters. He even thought on trying to pick up an Alliance postal route. But then Inara said she needed to go to a Core hospital to have her yearly medical check and she would pay for the trip. The Capt'n had protested but Inara was very insistent and in the end he agreed but he only took enough to fuel Serenity. Kaylee knew it had wounded his pride to take money from Inara for this. She knew he had feelings for Inara at that time, even though he would have denied it. God, she hoped those two got their act together last night.

"Inara needs her yearly Companion medical check so we are now heading to Ariel and St. Lucie's Hospital in Ariel City. I could do it for her and I have done some Companion med checks on Osiris…."

What? He…oh that man, doing physical exams for Companions! Must be a doctor's dream! All Companions we so beautiful and glamorous, she wondered how he could control himself in their presence. Then again, as Simon once said to her, the attraction of human flesh wanes a bit the more you see how it can become diseased and damaged. She had quickly ended that discussion, not wanting to know any more of his hospital stories.

"…but my medical license has most likely been revoked so Inara needs to go to Ariel. This may be a perfect opportunity to implement my plan."

His plan? What plan?

"River seems fine now but I need to know more about what is going on in her brain. And for that I need a three-dimensional neural imager. I once did a two-week tour of duty at St. Lucie's so…."

He'd never told them that!

"…I know they have what we need. Now I just need to figure out a way to get River and I inside without attracting attention. We can get enough drugs to pay off the crew and make some money and for what I need to control River's psychosis."

Kaylee and the others had thought Simon had come up with his hospital robbery plan on the spur of the moment but he had been planning it for a while. Drugs were his goal, not just the three-d scanner, imager whatever he called it. Drugs to pay them for helping him and to help River.

The next few days as they traveled to Ariel he wrote of his plans to rob the hospital. He downloaded floor plans from the Cortex, found out where they dumped their garbage, and made a detailed list of things they'd need. He even assigned roles for all the crew. He was nothing if not thorough. And he also had time to mention Kaylee, and her heart warmed as he made some comments about how pretty she looked one day, and how they had sat and played mahjong another time. He wasn't as good at it as he was at chess but he still managed to win a few games.

There was more on the Capt'n's recovery and how Simon had wanted him to rest more but the Capt'n insisted on getting out of the infirmary. Kaylee could see the pain on his face as he moved about the ship and remember how long it had taken her to feel right after she'd been shot. Capt'n should have listened to Simon and was just too stubborn sometimes. Next, they had stopped at the Bathgate Abbey on Phoenix Moon just outside the Core to allow Shepherd Book some time to pay his respects to an old friend who had died and to do some meditation. Then there was a gap again and the next section was all about Ariel.

"Yesterday started badly and only got worse. As we prepared to land on Ariel, River attacked Jayne with a knife. He was acting crudely, as usual, and before I knew it River had a knife and slashed him across the chest. Jayne reacted with equal violence, backhanding River, sending her flying and cutting her lip. We were all shocked and I thought that our stay aboard Serenity was now in jeopardy."

Shocked was a mild way to describe what they had all felt. They had never known, at that time, River to hurt anyone or anything. The question was whether she had attacked Jayne to kill him and botched it or did it just to warn him, scare him, whatever. Kaylee thought the latter. If River wanted to kill, she knew exactly how to do it. They had all seen that. And her comment "He looks better in red," had unsettled all their calm.

"I stitched Jayne's wound and it wasn't very deep, just a superficial cut. But he was quite angry, which was reasonable for the situation. Jayne was insisting that River and I get off Serenity but Mal put him in his place, once again. And once again, Jayne backed down. My feelings for Jayne are quite conflicted now, because later in the day he saved me and River from the Alliance. He doesn't like us, more so after River cut him, and had no reason to help us. In fact, he could earn a nice reward for turning us in. I just don't know what to think about him now. The captain wasn't angry at me or River. In fact, he was quite sympathetic and worried about River's condition. We both realized she wasn't getting any better and in fact could be getting worse. I decided that my plan needed to be implemented now or next time River could very well hurt someone badly or even kill them."

"We landed on Ariel and Mal refused to let anyone leave the ship except Inara. This news was received with disappointment by all except Zoe, who still has her intense dislike of the Alliance and suspicions of the Core. I think Kaylee was especially unhappy because she had never been to a Core planet before."

Disappointed and unhappy were not strong enough to describe Kaylee had felt. She had lived on the rim all her life and Serenity wasn't a ship that dealt with the Alliance or the Core. She had been excited when she heard they were going to Ariel and dreamed of walking through its glittering streets, seeing all the latest vehicles and high flyers, checking out the newest spaceships, walking through a real shopping mall instead of a dusty village shop, and maybe even Simon asking her to go somewhere nice with her. But that dream was shattered by the Capt'n's orders and for once Kaylee felt no love for her Capt'n. But just for a little while.

"My plan for a hospital robbery was greeted with suspicion and skepticism by the crew but I could see the hint of greed and desire in their eyes as I explained how much the drugs would be worth. I'm sure it appealed to Mal's noble heart as we would be stealing from the rich and selling to the, well, not poor, but the not so rich. After seeing the poor state of medical facilities on the rim colonies, I think perhaps I also felt like I was doing this for a noble reason. But in the end I did for River."

Kaylee remembered how cool Simon had been when he described his plan. He wasn't nervous or worried they'd laugh at him. And then when he described his plan, he had an answer to every problem the Capt'n or the others threw at him. She felt a little proud of him. He was in charge for once and everyone was listening to him. And as he talked, Kaylee could sense the crew was gaining a new level of respect for Simon. When he asked for volunteers to leave the ship, her hand was up in an instant and a big grin spread from ear to ear.

"Kaylee and Wash did a marvelous job in acquiring a hospital air ambulance and repairing it. Jayne acquired some uniforms, ID's and med supplies from where I don't know and he didn't say. It was the one part of the plan I worried about, acquiring these items but the crew has come through in great fashion. All of this took all of the money everyone had tucked away for a rainy day. Mal was surprised everyone had hidden so much and we committed our future to my plan. If we had failed we would have been very poor indeed."

All their money hadn't been very much. Kaylee was happy to leave the ship but disappointed she couldn't do the things she had wanted to do. But the junkyard was a junk lovers dream and she and Wash found what they needed. They had to pay a junk hauler the last credit they had to move the ambulance to Serenity and they weren't even sure they could get it running. All day they had worked on it, pulling our wires, replacing computer chips, welding this, removing that, cleaning it, and finally painting it. Simon had been very impressed and his compliments had made her and Wash proud.

"While Kaylee and Wash prepared our ambulance I tried to instruct Mal, Zoe, and Jayne in how to pass as paramedics. For our plan to work, Rive and I were placed in a state resembling death. Our crewmates pretended to be paramedics who couldn't save us and needed to take us to the morgue. It took many hours to teach them but finally they got it right…mostly. Later Zoe told me it hadn't been necessary as no one even questioned them."

Kaylee had been worried when they told her the finally details of the plan. To pretend to be dead was something she couldn't imagine. Her skin crawled as she remembered how they had loaded River and Simon into those body capsules. She had even worried they were really dead for a moment. And then they were gone, all of them and suddenly Kaylee was alone on the ship for the first time she could ever remember. She had felt a cold chill run through her body as she stood in the cargo bay and closed the doors. If anything happened…would she see her friends again…and Simon…what if…she had chased away those thoughts and made her way to the bridge.

Her role had been to be the eyes and ears for the crew. She had sat in Wash's chair and turned on all the scanners and listened in on the police and military wave bands. They were supposed to be secure but Wash knew how to get around that and had set the system long ago to listen. Knowing what the enemy was doing was always a good idea, the Capt'n had said. Kaylee liked sitting in Wash's chair. It was big and comfortable. She knew the basics of flight and even taken control a few times under Wash's eye, but that had been in the black, and she couldn't fly Serenity, not planet side, not take off and land, especially not in a city. Suddenly, she had realized just how vulnerable this whole plan was.

But that was a while ago and everything worked out. Well, almost….

"We awoke in the morgue and Jayne had found some hospital gowns for us, with River as a patient and myself as a doctor. The captain and Zoe had left to find the drug storage room and we made our way to the neural examining room. On the way I saved a patient dieing from cardiac arrest after an intern accidentally gave him a deadly combination of drugs."

He saved someone? He had stopped and took the time to save a man's life when he was in the middle of an Alliance hospital, trying to help his sister, and was at the top of the Alliance fugitive list? That man was so…wonderful!

"Jayne was a bit put out by this but I didn't care. I'm a doctor and that man needed my help. We made our way to the examining room and I finally saw what they did to River. I downloaded all the information to a memory stick and need time to examine it now. Basically, they have cut into her brain over and over again and stripped away all her abilities to control her feelings and especially the strongest emotions of fear, panic, and pain. It's no wonder she is the way she is. If I could spend ten minutes with the people who have done this, I'm sure I would forget all my oaths to save and protect."

Poor River! Her brain, cut into, not once but many times. Why? What purpose had it served? They knew she was combat trained, deadly with any weapon, could read minds, and could fly spaceships with no known training. The Alliance had turned her into a weapon, an assassin. But why had they done that to her? Simon still didn't know, not even after all these months of examining the data.

"Then Jayne insisted we leave early since the captain had changed the plan."

No, he hadn't. Had he? Kaylee re-read the last sentence to make sure the sake from last night wasn't still affecting her. No, she had read it right. Jayne told Simon the Capt'n had changed the plan. What was going on?

"And then we got arrested. River had sensed this was going to happen but I ignored her fears because I thought everything was going to work out. I was a fool and should have listened to River's instincts because she is rarely wrong. Jayne tried to fight the Alliance feds but he was knocked out briefly with one of their sonic blasters."

"We were processed by an Agent McInnes who was not a very charming man. As we made our way to another room to wait for the federal agents to retrieve us, Jayne saw an opportunity to escape and we took it. It's hard to describe but Jayne and I fought two guards. I managed to render my adversaries unconscious by placing extreme pressure to his upper chest, cutting off his air flow but not killing him. I believe Jayne snapped the neck of his opponent."

My, God! She hadn't heard that detail before. She knew they had fought but didn't know someone had died. He…snapped his neck? Kaylee knew Jayne was strong, stronger than any man she knew, but she never knew he could do that. It was so…horrific.

"Then something strange and frightening happened. Jayne insisted on fighting our way out the front door while I argued that we should find another way. River suddenly got very frightened and then we heard the most terrifying high-pitched human screaming coming from where we had just been held by the feds. I cannot describe how it sent chills through me. After that, there were no more arguments from Jayne and we ran the opposite way, with River seeming to know where to go exactly, while crying about the hands of blue again."

Kaylee sat back and put the book down. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself, remembering those hands of blue. They had tried to kill her in the cargo bay of Serenity. They later had surmised they were federal agents, assassins, bounty hunters, something. They had tracked Serenity to the derelict Battlefield of Sturges and attached their ship to the lower bomb bay doors. And then they had tried to enter the ship through the bomb bay. One of them had struck Kaylee and if Simon hadn't been there and hit him over the head with Jayne's barbell, she would have been killed for sure. Those hands of blue were dead now, but in Kaylee's and River's minds they would always be there. She picked up the journal again and continued.

"We came to a dead end and I thought we were finished when suddenly Mal and Zoe shot their way through a locked door and we were saved. We raced to the ambulance and arrived on Serenity shortly. Fortunately, Inara had returned from a successful examination and we were able to leave immediately and headed straight for Phoenix Moon to pick up Shepherd Book."

"I took a moment to thank Jayne for saving us. He had been truly heroic. I still don't like the man, but I can say he has earned my respect and undying gratitude. Now I need to examine what drugs we have, hopefully what I asked them to take. Then they need to be sorted into shipments for whatever customers we find. Of course, I'll take what we needed for Serenity and for River. I am now hopeful that she will get better. Tomorrow I will begin to try different medications to see what will be most effective."

"Curiosity killed the cat, you know" Simon said, startling Kaylee. She turned and he was propped up on one elbow looking at her with a grin. "Though I guess you're safe just reading a book."

"Don't know. This part was quite frightening," she managed to say, her mind still thinking on those men with hands of blue. And on Jayne.

He sensed something wasn't quite right. "What part?"

"Ariel," she said quietly.

He sat up. "Why frightening?'

"Hands of blue," Kaylee said and then she crawled into bed with him, hugging him, wanting to feel him close.

"Are you still thinking about that?" he asked her.

"Forgotten it till I read that. They wanted to take River back to the Academy?"

"Yes, they worked for the Alliance. But they are dead now. I think we are certain of that."

"Dobson wasn't." And the pain of her being shot was a vivid streak through her mind as she said the lawman's name.

"He is now. Mal's sure of it."

"I know, just…bad memories."

He hugged her tight. "Kaylee, my sweet love, what can I do to help you forget?"

She smiled. "Just hold me. Be there when I need you."

"Always" And Kaylee knew she had picked a very special man to be her husband.

They lay for a while, just snuggling, when Kaylee remembered something else.

"Simon, when did the Capt'n change the plan on Ariel?"

He said nothing for a few moments. "I'd forgotten I'd written that."

"Jayne said the Capt'n changed the plan. That never happened far as I know."

He was silent.

"Simon, what's going on?'

"Kaylee, I don't want you to be mad, because I took care if this a long time ago. You would have found out eventually in my journal but…Jayne…he was the one who called the Alliance on Ariel."

Kaylee was thunderstruck, her mind not believing him, not wanting to, like the time Wash had suggested the same thing.

"That…that…monster!" She got out of bed and started to change her clothes, ripping off her night dress and grabbing a t-shirt, pulling it over her head. "He's gonna get a piece of mind right now!" Simon jumped up and stopped her.

"No, Kaylee, stop! Please!"

She just looked at him. "How can you be so calm about this! He betrayed you! All these months and you never said anything to anyone!"

"River knows. In fact, River knows because she…"

"Read his mind," she finished and became quieter.

"And he did save us, when he realized they were arresting him, too."

"Off course he did, the coward. Bastard. Son-of-a-bitch!" She added a few choice Chinese phrases about how Jayne fornicated with dogs and was not fit to be dung.

She looked at Simon and saw how shocked he was at her behavior and language. He rarely saw Kaylee mad and if seemed to frighten him. Kaylee realized she was behaving badly and sat on the bed.

"Oh, Simon, its just so wrong! He's just…oh!" She took a breath. "Does he know you know?"

"Yes. We had a talk on it. He denied it but River and I both feel it's true. The sudden change of plan, walking right into the place where the soldiers would be, them knowing our names right away, and the hands of blue men arriving so fast. River's certain they were there. At the time things happened so fast I didn't think on it much. Only later, when River said Jayne was worried we'd find out, then it all made sense. He was off the ship to get the uniforms. I figure that's when he made contact with the feds."

Kaylee was silent for a long time. "I ain't gonna forget this. And I want this out. I want everyone to know."

"Kaylee, he wouldn't do it again. I don't want to start any trouble. We had such a good time last night and the captain and Inara seem to be getting along…besides, we…well, we'll be leaving soon."

"We will?"

"If you want."

She stood and walked to the center of the room, looking around, her heart torn between the love for her ship and friends and the logic of what Simon wanted.

"Where will we go?' she asked quietly.

"Been thinking. Boros is not far from Persephone. It's not the Core but it's not the outer rim either. There's no strife or war, good climate, they have four seasons in the northern hemisphere, mostly farmers and tradesmen, honest hard-working people who need a doctor. And a first class mechanic."

"Boros. Where you were heading the first time we met."

"Yes. Seems like destiny is taking me there after all. If you want."

She approached him and took his hand and he stood up. Kaylee wrapped her arms around him and then looked him in eyes. "Boros sounds wonderful."


	10. Chapter 10 War Stories

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 10 – War Stories**

Kaylee had calmed down enough to feel hungry and she and Simon decided to have breakfast. Kaylee promised once again not to say anything about Jayne, but inside she was still simmering with anger. That Jayne could betray Simon and River to the Alliance did not surprise her but that he had actually done it made her boil with rage. Kaylee and anger were not a good combination because she was rarely mad at anyone and had trouble hiding her feelings. The time she found out about that joke the Capt'n had played on Simon, saying she was dead, that time she had been mad as hell too, but not for long. But this, she knew she would never forgive Jayne for this. Simon hadn't been her husband then, but she did love him and River was so helpless and needed all their help. Jayne would get a piece of her mind, maybe not today, but sometime soon, and she didn't care who knew about what he had done.

She was amazed at how Simon was so cool about the whole thing. He said he had talked to Jayne about it, and before they left their room he related what had happened in the infirmary when Jayne had hurt his back that time when Saffron had come back. Jayne denied he had ratted them out, but Simon and River didn't believe him and neither did Kaylee. She remembered the time before the train job when he had talked about doing the very same thing and the time when the Alliance boarded the ship after they found the derelict spacecraft. He had seemed eager to trade the Tams for their freedom then. Despite his few good qualities, his strength and skills at arms that saved them at times, Jayne was not to be trusted and that more than overshadowed what usefulness he was to Serenity and her crew.

Simon checked on River before they went upstairs and she was sleeping peacefully so he decided to leave her alone for a while. Kaylee noticed he had placed some water and headache pills next to River's bed also and a little note, too. He was so thoughtful. They made their way upstairs and Kaylee suddenly remembered the Capt'n and Inara. She was dieing to find out what had happened!

First, Kaylee checked the engine to make sure all was OK and then they turned to the dining room. As they approached they heard voices. It was Mal and Inara.

"Gorramn crew," Mal said and Kaylee and Simon stopped and looked at each other in surprise. "Look at this mess!" And they could see him cleaning up the cups and some plates from the table. They had gotten hungry as they drank and had eaten the rest of supper and some snacks. Apparently they had been too drunk to clean up and now Kaylee felt a little bad. She started to move forward but Simon stopped her and motioned her to wait, just a minute.

"Now, Mal, they just had a little party," came Inara's calming tone.

"I shoulda stopped it last night. Drunk crew is a dangerous thing on a ship."

"Well, you were a bit too busy," Inara teased and Kaylee broke into a big grin and they saw her approach Mal and wrap her arms around him. They kissed and Mal looked into her eyes.

"Jus' making up for lost time," he said and Kaylee couldn't stand it anymore and hurried down the hall and burst into the dinning area.

"Morning!" she said her cheeriest tone.

Mal was startled and almost leaped out of Inara's arms but she held onto him, looked at Kaylee and smiled. "Morning, Kaylee."

"Morning," Mal said and he was acting kind of sheepish and embarrassed.

Simon came in and noticed that breakfast was already being made.

"Morning, smells good," he said and saw they were making scrambled eggs and pancakes.

Inara returned to the kitchen and back to cooking. 'Be ready in a minute."

Kaylee sat at the table and just beamed at the two. "So, what's up?"

Mal just looked at her. "I should be asking you that, little Kaylee. Seems I had a drunken crew on my hands last night."

Simon sat next to Kaylee. "I wasn't drunk."

"Well, glad someone has some sense on this boat," Mal said and Kaylee felt a little like a school girl sent to the head masters office.

"Capt'n, we just got talking about Wash, and it kinda got weepy, so we had a drink."

"Which led to many more," Simon said and Kaylee kicked him under the table. "Well, it did!"

Kaylee gave her husband a look that said "hey, you're supposed to be on my side". "We set the course and power settings no problem. No worries, Capt'n everything's shiny"

"No problems," chimed in Simon and looked at Kaylee for approval, but she was still a bit put out by his previous comment.

"I'll get some tea," he said and went to the kitchen. Inara gave him a grin and he grinned back.

Mal wasn't done yet. "Kaylee, this here's a spaceship. All kinds of bad things can happen, as you and the rest well know. A drunk crew is a dangerous crew."

"I take full responsibility, sir," came Zoe's voice from the fore hall. She was dressed for the day and looked fine, no signs of a hangover, despite the large quantity of sake and other things she had drank last night.

Mal just grunted. "Zoe…you know it ain't safe."

"Sir, all is well. We're still here, and our course is true. And I'm hungry." With that she sat down and gave Kaylee a little grin and Kaylee felt better.

Simon came over with a cup of tea for Kaylee and coffee for Zoe.

"Coffee, Mal?' he asked.

"Yeah, " he said and Mal just looked at Zoe and Kaylee as they stared at him, smiled at him and then almost at the same time they looked toward Inara and back to Mal and his face was a slight shade of red and.

"Be on the bridge," was all he said just as Simon appeared with his coffee. He grabbed it and turned to the fore hall. Kaylee and Zoe almost broke into a fit of giggles.

"Now, ladies," Inara said as she brought a big dish of scrambled eggs to the table. "Don't tease him too much. He's still the captain."

"So? What happened" Kaylee blurted out, unable to contain herself any longer.

Inara smiled. "Exactly what I wanted to happen. The details you'll have to imagine."

Simon came over with the pancakes. "No, I don't think we need any details."

Everyone had a chuckle and Kaylee felt like all was well in the 'verse. Then Jayne entered and a dark cloud passed over Kaylee's good mood.

"God, anyone get the name of that fella that hit me last night?" he groaned as he grabbed a plate from the kitchen and came to the table and sat opposite Kaylee and Simon.

"Called bamboo wine," said Zoe. "Got a powerful kick."

"Remind me not to party with him next time," Jayne said and began to wolf eggs into his mouth.

Kaylee just stared at the mercenary, her face unable to hide her feelings. Simon looked at her, pleading with his eyes for her to stay calm. Inara and Zoe both noticed and the table went quiet. Jayne was oblivious to all as he continued eating.

"Kaylee…please," Simon said but it was too late. All Kaylee's anger came to a boil and she forgot her promise to Simon and his wish not to start trouble. Sometimes, things needed to be said and this was one of them.

"You son-of-a-bitch," Kaylee said quietly and it was like a bomb had dropped on the table.

Jayne looked up slowly, a piece of egg stuck in his beard, and saw everyone looking at him. His eyes narrowed. "What did you call me?"

"Kaylee, stop. Please" Simon begged, putting a hand on her arm. Kaylee wasn't gonna stop, not even for the man she loved. Jayne had done this terrible thing to him and River and he needed to know she knew.

"You heard me, Jayne Cobb. I called you a son-of-a-bitch!" she said louder. Jayne was so shocked he just stared at her, uncomprehending why Kaylee was mad at him.

"Why are you so mad, mei mei?" Inara asked, her happy mood gone as she gapped at Kaylee in surprise.

Zoe was as flabbergasted as was Inara. "What the gorramn hell is going on?" Zoe asked, her voice stern and commanding.

"Ask him," started Kaylee, glaring at Jayne. "Ask him what really happened on Ariel."

Jayne dropped his fork, wiped the egg from his face, and put on a big grin. "Saved your man and his sister, is what I done."

"Not the way I heard it," said Kaylee and Jayne looked from her to Simon and comprehension dawn.

"Doc here feeding you stories, is he now?"

Simon looked at him and calmly spoke. "They're not stories. You can deny it all you want but I know it's true. Facts don't lie. And neither does my sister."

Zoe looked at Jayne. "What's this all about, Jayne?"

Jayne got an exasperated looked. "I ain't did nothing. Moon brain…"

"Don't call her that!" shouted Kaylee. "Don't you ever call her that again!"

"Alright! Jeeze. 'River' said I called the feds. Read my mind. It's all ! What she read was me wanting to call the feds. Ain't gonna lie, I thought we shoulda turned them two in long time ago. You all know that!"

"What about now, Jayne?" said Mal as he entered from the fore hall, his face grim and his eyes boring into Jayne. "You think we should turn them in now?

Jayne got a scared looked to his face. "Now, Mal, you know I wouldn't do that. River saved us. Doc patched me up plenty of times. They're crew."

"Don't you ever forget that either," said Mal, not taking his eyes off the big man.

Kaylee couldn't believe what was happening and turned to Simon. "Tell them!"

Simon looked at her and Kaylee knew he would support her or she'd never forgive him. "Jayne, why did you say the captain changed the plan?"

Zoe looked from Mal to Jayne and her eyes got narrow and sharp enough to cut stone. "We didn't change the plan," she said her eyes now boring into Jayne, too.

"I was improvising!" he started, but he sounded guilty as hell. "We were out of time. That's long time ago. I forget."

"Ok, then, how did they know our names? Immediately that agent said our names, knew who we were," asked Simon and his tone was like a policeman questioning a suspect.

"Cause they got your picture plastered on every gorramn police station in the 'verse!" he countered. Jayne was mad now and the tension in the room was stifling. "You're forgetting who saved your ass back there, ain't you?!"

"Cause you got pinched, too!" Kaylee shouted back.

"Enough!" Mal yelled and all grew silent. "Don't want no gorramn arguments on my boat!"

"Capt'n…"

"No, Kaylee, it's enough. Past is past. Let it go."

She was steaming, stood up, and glared at Jayne. "I know you did it. River never lies. How could you? It's so wrong. Me and you is quits, Jayne Cobb."

Jayne was stunned at her anger and everyone was shocked at this statement from the ever happy Kaylee. She turned to Mal.

"We're getting off on Persephone, Capt'n. All three of us. Sorry, but, it's time. Now more than ever. And don't blame Simon. It's my choice, too."

Mal didn't say anything, just nodded, his face betraying his sadness, and Kaylee felt his pain and turned and left before she broke down. She walked and then started running and didn't stop until she was in their bedroom and she lay down and had a long cry. He came in a brief time later and lay next to her and never said a word, just held her.

After a while she turned to him.

"I'm sorry"

"Had to be said," Simon began. "Would have eaten you up inside."

"What happened after I left?"

"Mal asked where we were going. I said we haven't decided yet but really I'd rather not say in front of Jayne."

"Good answer. He can't be trusted. Especially now."

"Kaylee, are you sure you want to leave?"

"Yes. And no. I love this ship. But you're right. It's time we made a home."

"You're not leaving because of Jayne, are you?"

"No. He's just one of many reasons. Besides, Capt'n would fire him if I asked him to."

"Suppose so. Mal's not happy."

"He knew we were planning this."

"Now I have to convince River."

She sat up, looked at him. "What?"

He sat up to. "Ah, River said she wants to stay. Be pilot of Serenity."

Nothing could have surprised Kaylee more. "When did she say that?"

"Few days ago. I said we should leave and she said she didn't want to. Said this was the first place that felt like a home and that she had a purpose here."

"Oh, Simon, it's…I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"She's not a child anymore. River is stronger than us in so many ways, and not in so many others. She still needs her medication. And this ship, much as I've grown fond of Serenity, does have its dangers."

"We have to convince her to come with us."

Simon was silent for a moment. "I know. She has to come. The Alliance may still be after us. We're still blind as to their purpose. How many Operatives are out there right now searching for us?"

Kaylee got a chill thinking about that. "More reason for us to stay together."

He nodded. "We will convince her to come to Boros with us. Some day, some day, I hope we can return to Osiris. When all this is past." His face was full of sadness.

"Some day," she said as she hugged him.

The rest of the day was very tense for the whole crew. The news that Simon, Kaylee and River would leave on Persephone cast a cloud over them all. Kaylee's revelation of Jayne's betrayal had damaged the good will that had been present such a short time ago. Whether the crew believed it was true or not, it was out there and it was in all their minds. They were less than two days from Persephone and they would be together for that time.

An hour later, Mal came to get Kaylee and asked for her help to check the inventory. Of course she agreed and went to help him. Kaylee sensed he'd asked her cause he wanted to talk more on what happened but he acted like nothing was the matter as they examined their precious cargo of high class foodstuffs. There were crates of canned caviar, boxes of smoked salmon, slabs of dried beef and pork, boxes of canned chicken meat and canned ham, crates of fresh fruit, in special crates so it would be preserved during the trip, several boxes of the best alcohol and wines, spices of every kind, large bags of flour, sugar, coffee, and tea, and a huge consignment of sweets, cookies, jellies and jams, crackers, chocolates, and other delicacies.

Kaylee's mouth watered as they examined it all. It was a bounty of food she and the crew had never seen in their lives. Well, maybe Simon and River had, and maybe even Inara, but the rest certainly hadn't. She wondered who it was for but the Capt'n had been mum on this subject. .As they examined the crates for damage and made sure all was well Jayne walked by. Kaylee ignored him and he seemed to want to say something to her but Mal glared at him and he walked away.

"Don't want you to go," he finally said after they finished the check. He wasn't even looking at her as he put the manifest back in a thick envelope. "I'll throw him off if you want."

"No, no need. It's not only about Jayne, Capt'n. Like I said to you before, it's about finding a place to grow, start a family, to be safe. Serenity ain't no place to raise a child."

"Suppose not," he said. He was quiet and he turned to her finally. "Guess I need to find a new mechanic, pilot, and medic. I know I'll never find as a good a mechanic."

"I'm sorry we're letting you down. But we want to leave and now's a good a time as any."

"Suppose so," he said and he walked away and up the stairs to the upper level and Kaylee knew his feelings were hurt by her leaving. She felt bad and wondered just how painful all this was going to be. She wanted to follow him, talk about it, but then River came in from the passenger lounge. Kaylee brightened as she saw River. She was dressed in overalls, ready to finish the systems check they started yesterday. All they had left was the fuel system and internal structure to examine. The external structure, VTOL engines, and airlocks would have to wait till they were on Persephone. Kaylee knew she wouldn't leave the ship until she finished her work. She owed the Capt'n that much.

"How's your head?" Kaylee asked.

River groaned. "Better than when I woke up."

"You lost your virginity. Ah, I mean, for booze. Your first hangover. Congratulations." Kaylee laughed at her little faux pas.

But River didn't smile or laugh. She was staring at Kaylee.

"You know about Ariel. Read Simon's Journal. Told them about Jayne," she said to Kaylee.

Kaylee nodded. "Had to. Couldn't keep it inside."

"He's not a bad man. Just greedy."

"Can't be trusted anymore."

"Never could,' River said. Kaylee wondered just how much River knew about all of their lives, past and present. Simon had no idea what went on inside his sister's head, despite his months of studying and examining her.

Kaylee and River finished the checks by lunchtime. Simon joined them in the dining area and the three had a quick meal of Chinese noodles and re-hydrated fruit salad, which was more like fruit mush. No one else came by and Kaylee was glad 'cause she didn't want anymore confrontations today. Later Simon said he had to check Jayne's shoulder and Kaylee just nodded and he left. Today was Kaylee's day to do laundry and she wanted to get it done before someone else noticed the dry cleaner wasn't being used and took advantage of this. She and River cleaned up and then walked by the infirmary and saw Simon changing the dressing on Jayne's shoulder. They seemed to be chatting. Jayne noticed her and looked her way but she just walked on by, ignoring him again.

River went to her room and changed while Kaylee gathered her and Simon's dirty laundry, enough for two loads. When she came out of their room River was in the passenger lounge sketching something. Kaylee entered the bathroom and opened the dry cleaner door. It wasn't very big and was noisy but it was all they had to clean clothes with when off world. She put the first load in and then added the chemical cleaners to the slot at the top. She set the timer and then pressed start and waited for it to come to life. It broke down on occasion and Kaylee had asked the Capt'n to replace it but it was on a low priority. After a second of worry it hummed to life and began its clanking noise that Kaylee could never stop or figure out what the cause was. She'd probably have to rip the whole thing off the wall and take it apart piece by piece to find the problem and she had no replacement parts anyway so saw it as a futile effort which was better avoided.

Suddenly Kaylee felt a surge of sadness as she realized that soon that wouldn't be her problem anymore. She touched the old machine and looked around at the bathroom. Just as quickly she felt how ugly the bathroom was. It was cold and the paint was scratched and peeled in places and it was far from cheery. Kaylee wanted a real bathroom, with wallpaper, porcelain fixtures, a shower she could stand under forever, and a real bathtub, so big it was roomy enough for two.

She crossed back to their room and saw Simon was sitting with River. He was very still and she was facing him, drawing a picture of him in charcoal on her sketch pad.

"Busy?" she asked, curious abut what he and Jayne had talked on.

"For a while," said Simon and started to turn toward her but River stopped him.

"Don't move!" And he stopped as she continued to sketch. He gave a sheepish grin to Kaylee.

"I saw that," said River. "More serious. You're a doctor."

And Simon put on a serous doctor face and River seemed happier. Kaylee went to their room, looked for more clothes and found one of Simon's socks she had missed. It could wait for the second load. Suddenly she had nothing to do for an hour. She sat in the chair and thought about writing her father a letter, explaining all that was going on. She could post it at Persephone. Then she worried that the Alliance might have picked up on the fact that Simon Tam had gotten married on Taos and knew Jonathan Frye was his father-in-law. They might be intercepting his mail. Waves, too. She decided to wait until they reached Persephone and then she would wave one of her friends who could pass on the news to her father.

With nothing to do Kaylee decided to read more of Simon's journal. She reluctantly picked it up, not so eager to know many more secrets. The one she learned this morning had caused so much trouble. Jayne sold them out, she was positive, and she knew Zoe believed her. She hoped she did anyway. The Capt'n she wasn't so sure about. She had trouble reading him and didn't know if he believed her or not. She hoped he did, too. He was always their anchor, their leader, and at times hero. Then she remembered how they almost lost him again, this time permanently, and they had to be the heroes when they rescued him off Niska's Skyplex.

Kaylee hadn't been heroic at that time and her memories of her first real battle were blurry and fragmented. Simon had been heroic, defending her, and firing like mad at those men. Afterwards Book had said Simon hadn't hit anyone but Kaylee wasn't so sure of that. She wanted to see what he said about that. But first there were long sections on his attempts to find the right mixture of drugs for River. It was trial and error and after a week he found one combination that allowed River to sleep through the night. But there was an unsettling side effect of nausea.

She tried to recall those days and then remembered a few things. They had landed on Phoenix Moon to pick up Shepherd Book at Bathgate Abbey. Kaylee worried that the Shepherd would want to stay at the abbey, but he was ready to go when they landed. His presence on the ship was a comfort to Kaylee and to the others. Book was wise in ways that made them all wonder about his background but it was a wisdom that they needed at times so no one pressed him on his history.

The Capt'n had called a contact of his who knew someone who knew someone who lived on Phoenix Moon who might be interested in buying some medicine. Within an hour they had made their first drug sale. It was very lucrative and everyone was all smiles as the Captain handed out some overdue pay and told them to have fun in town for an hour.

"We landed on Phoenix Moon a few days ago and made our first drug sale. I had told the captain what to ask for and he was skeptical at first but the buyer didn't hesitant and the deal was quickly done. It was much more than Mal expected and he didn't say anything but gave me a big grin. Everyone got paid and they all went shopping. We loaded the ship with supplies, especially lots of good food from the town near the Bathgate Abbey."

Kaylee had asked Simon if he want to come with her to town but he was too busy with the drugs and analyzing River's data. She felt like they were drifting apart in those days, with no more advances on the romantic front, his time consumed by his need to help River. Her feelings of loneliness grew more profound as she was physically close to him and yet he was so far away.

Inara and Kaylee had gone shopping together and found a nice little clothing shop. It wasn't quite nice enough for Inara and she just browsed but Kaylee bought some new t-shirts and a sweater and some underwear. They also stopped at a bookstore and picked up a few items. Kaylee found an old copy of "A History of the Earth That Was Travelers", the story of the original settlers who had come to this star system hundreds of years ago. She thought it would make a nice gift for Simon. She had also bought some drawing paper and colored pencils and charcoal for River.

"Kaylee has bought some gifts for me and River. It was quite generous of her and I felt a little guilty suddenly because I have spent so little time with her of late. My feelings for her haven't diminished but my old doubts are rising again. Almost being captured by the Alliance has caused me to rethink any attempts to start a relationship with Kaylee. In truth I can't allow her to become connected with us in anyway anymore than she already is. The Alliance is ruthless and would stop at nothing to capture us, even using someone we loved to get to us."

It was so heartbreaking, reading it now, all his fears and doubts of those days. His love for her was still strong at that time, so strong he was willing to give up any future with her just to protect her from the Alliance. But those fears ended after the Reaver fight. Both had decided that fears of the future shouldn't stop them from being together in the present.

"For the last week we have been hopping from moon to moon, planet to planet as word spread in the quadrant that we had high quality goods for sale. Mal worried about guarding our cargo and I worried over whether this news would get back to the Alliance. Mal and Jayne both laughed at my fears, saying I was already a wanted man living on a ship full of thieves so what else did I have to worry about. I guess they are right. I searched the Cortex for news of the break in at St. Lucie's but there is nothing."

The Capt'n always said the Alliance never broadcasts their failures. Until the events that led him to discover what was really happening to River, Simon had believed everything he had read and heard. It still took him time to get over the fact that his own government was capable of such things. He was a full blown skeptic like the rest of them now, especially since the Alliance's attempts to refute the vid broadcast they made about Miranda, claiming it was a fake propaganda tool used by those wanting to start a new war of independence.

"Life has been good on Serenity the last little while. River is feeling much better. There are more smiles and less complaining and the crew is well paid and well fed. At our last stop Jayne even managed to find an apple farmer outside of a town and bought a whole crate of apples. His announcement that he was sharing the apples with everyone caught the crew off guard as Jayne has a reputation for being unwilling to share anything."

Now Kaylee knew why Jayne did that! He was feeling guilty for turning in Simon and River. The big jerk! Again there was a gap of a few days in the journals dates and Kaylee knew she had come to the Skyplex battle.

"As can be expected on Serenity, the good times didn't last long. We've had a most terrible day of unexpected danger and I have been involved in a gunfight. We had almost sold all the medicine when we once more encountered Niska, the crime lord we had cheated a few months ago when I had first come aboard Serenity. The day had started normally enough. After I gave River her morning shots she and Kaylee spent some time together as I went over River's brain scans again. Book seemed to think that perhaps the Alliance had been torturing River but the more I see, the more I believe there is a unique pattern to her brain waves. As I am not a neurological specialist I need to do more research to come up with a definitive answer. Later in the morning River got sick, a side effect of the drugs, and she lay down to have a rest and thus missed all the action that came next."

No she hadn't, Kaylee thought with a chill. She recalled that morning, how she and River had fun together, River being more active and happy than Kaylee could ever recall. Then Zoe told them a war story about exploding apples and living in a trench in the winter with no food. Kaylee was glad she had never been in a war. A few battles was enough for her to last a lifetime.

"Trouble began as usual when some of the crew went on a 'job'. This time it was Wash and Mal. Why Wash went instead of Zoe as was usual I'm not sure of. We landed on Ezra, a dry, dusty planet with an asteroid belt surrounding it. Unknown to us Niska's Skyplex was nearby directly on the other side of Ezra from where we landed. Our sensors did not pick up on the Skyplex and Wash latter surmised that the asteroid belt interfered. I think it is more probably that our good fortune of late caused us to be lax and no one was really paying attention to the sensors as we approached Ezra. Niska's men were not so unobservant and obviously picked up on the fact that Serenity was in the neighborhood."

"I prepared the last box of drugs we were selling and gave it to Mal to load aboard shuttle two. At this point I ran into Kaylee and she giddily told me that a client who was meeting Inara in her shuttle was a woman and an important councilor from Ezra. I was a bit surprised the client was a woman but not very much. Although the majority of Companion clientele is male I've heard they also take female clients."

Kaylee had definitely been shocked and slightly curious about the whole thing. The councilor was beautiful and she and Inara looked well, so glamorous together. At the time when she saw them Kaylee wondered what they would do together. Jayne the pig had the same thoughts and had immediately gone to his bunk for what Kaylee didn't want to know but could easily guess. Men were always fascinated by female-female love. However, most women had no desire to see two males have sex together. Wasn't that odd?

"As Wash and Mal later related to us, they were ambushed by Niska's men as they were making the sale. No one knows how Niska's men knew where the drop would be or how they got into a perfect ambush position so quickly. They were transported to the Skyplex and tortured. From their injuries I can…."

Oh, not again! Kaylee didn't want to read about torture. She saw enough of it on their bodies when they were rescued. She scanned ahead and got to the big damn rescue.

"Zoe, Jayne and Book went to the drop point and found our buyer and his associates dead and the burn mark of a short range off world shuttle, a kind used by space stations like Niska's Skyplex. Zoe put two and two together and determined that Niska had them. She gathered all the money we had so far earned from the drug sales. It was quite a lot and we gave it up in hopes of buying back the captain and Wash. Zoe surprised me because she was able to pilot Serenity off world. I didn't know she could do that but I guess Wash must have taught her. The shuttle's don't have enough power to break free of a planet's gravity so we had to be in high atmo or space for them to be launched for space flight."

"She took the shuttle and after some time returned with Wash only. I have a feeling that Niska wouldn't have given up Mal no matter how much we paid for him and I think Zoe knew that, too. As she later told us, when Niska said it's was only enough money for one man and seemed about to ask her which man she wanted, she quickly chose Wash. I also believe that Zoe believed Mal would have a better chance of surviving Niska's torture than Wash would. Wash was a mess, with burn marks on his chest from the electrical torture…" Eww! "…and numerous scrapes and bruises. The biggest shock came when Zoe gave me half of the captain's left ear…." Double ewwww! "….to possibly repair if we managed to save him."

The ear had been wrapped in a handkerchief and Kaylee and Inara hadn't been prepared to see it. She felt even queasy now thinking about it and every now and then she'd look at the Capt'n's ear to try to see the scar where Simon had repaired it. If the light was right, she could just barely see it.

"Book and I went to the infirmary to put it on ice. I quickly checked on River and she was still sleeping. Then Kaylee came down stairs, her face all worried and told us that Zoe and Wash were going back to try to rescue Mal. Book immediately said, "not alone" and he marched into the cargo bay and headed for a gun locker under the stairs. We followed. I looked at Kaylee and felt worried for her and said she should stay behind but she was just as determined as Book."

She didn't like when Simon said that but she knew his heart was in the right place. No way she was staying behind and knew the Capt'n would go to hell and back to rescue her and any of the others. Well, maybe not Jayne, but anyone else for sure. Later she wished she had listened to Simon and had stayed behind.

"The plan was quickly made and explained to all. We took a long course away from Ezra and came around the other side, heading directly toward the Skyplex. After setting the course we turned off all internal and external lighting and Kaylee set the engines to almost no power. Wash then started jamming the comms net with static. Meanwhile we had set up some powerful lights the councilor, Inara's client, had lent us and Book strapped a canister of flammable fuel to the front the Mule. Kaylee programmed our airlock to override the Skyplex airlock. It was a big risk and I could sense the tension as we approached. Jayne, Zoe, and Wash would be in the first wave and then Kaylee, Book and I would come after to guard the entrance to Serenity as they searched for the captain."

"Wash and Kaylee came through as they always do, Wash hitting the airlock dead on and Kaylee popping it open immediately. The brilliant lights were turned on, Kaylee and I tossed smoke grenades down the ramp and then Mule was sent flying down the ramp. We couldn't see much but suddenly there were shots and the Mule exploded and then there were screams. My heart was pounding as Jayne, Zoe and Wash raced down the ramp and more gunfire erupted and an explosion came, of a grenade I'm guessing. Suddenly it was quiet except for the hooting of an alarm someone set. Zoe called for us and we came down. It was my first battle and its was pretty grim. Several of Niska's men lay bleeding, dead and wounded, one was on fire, the Mule was a smoking wreck and the smoke and lights and the alarm made everything seem surreal."

He remembered so much. Kaylee's mind was a blank on a lot of these details. After she tossed her smoke grenade she huddled behind Simon, keeping close to him as they went down the ramp. Her heart was pounding too, and she had never been so afraid her whole life, a least until the Reaver fight. The gun in her hand, pistol, whatever it was, felt heavy and she wasn't even sure if it was ready to fire. It was, as River later demonstrated with great skill. The dead and wounded men seemed to be everywhere and then more fighting erupted.

"Book proved he is more than just a preacher and he dropped a few adversaries. Zoe Jayne and Wash headed off to find Mal and suddenly we were alone. Then more of Niska's men arrived and I found myself firing a gun at human beings. I don't think I hit anyone but still I was a doctor and here I was trying to kill someone. Kaylee was standing behind me and my sister was on the ship, they needed me and my crewmates needed me so I just kept firing that gun. My nerves were heightened; every sound was sharp, ever sight clear, the gun felt good in my hands. I've had a short time to think on these feelings and don't really understand them but Mal said it's sometimes called battle madness. He said most soldiers in their first battle either 'piss themselves', as he so colorfully described, or enter battle madness mode, where they act without thinking. These ones are the ones that usually survive. The others, the ones that are afraid, end up running away and getting shot in the back or cowering in a hole where the enemy finds and kills them."

Kaylee knew which group she belonged to and felt some shame for not doing more to help them. Guns were not her thing and fighting even less so.

"Then Jayne was calling for me and Book to help them and we raced forward, leaving Kaylee alone to guard the ship. In hindsight we shouldn't have done so. Luckily, no one attempted to enter the ship after we left her."

Not quite true doctor. Three men had attempted to do so. Kaylee stood paralyzed after Simon and Book left her alone, she not quite believing they would do so. More gunfire came from down the hall and Kaylee started backing up toward Serenity. She saw the three men enter the area, look at their fallen comrades and then one of them noticed her. Bullets bounced around her and then somehow, she couldn't remember how, she was hid behind the side of the cargo bay, knowing she was seconds away from death.

And then it happened so fast she barely remembered the deed. River appeared like an angel, took her gun, and killed the three men. Just like that. Without even looking. She grin at Kaylee, said "no power in the verse can stop me' and then handed Kaylee the gun and just as quickly disappeared back toward the passenger dorm. Kaylee stood in shock and then went back to her hiding place, looking around the corner, praying the Capt'n was still alive, that Simon was safe, and that the others were alright.

"We arrived at what I'm guessing was Niska's office just as Zoe, Jayne and Wash had rescued the captain. Niska was no where in sight and Jayne and Zoe wanted to search the place, kill him, and set it to blow up but when Mal found out Kaylee was guarding Serenity alone he ordered us off the Skyplex. He said were lucky so far no one was dead and it was time to leave. Jayne had a wound in his left side and Zoe had one in her upper left arm. Mal was a mess and I needed to get him to the infirmary as quickly as possible to save his ear."

"We evacuated the way we came, grabbed the remains of the Mule and then left. There were dead men everywhere and Kaylee almost started crying when she saw Mal. I was so happy to see she was well and I never felt so alive. I just wanted to hug and kiss her."

Oh, why hadn't he!

"We made our escape from the now silent Skyplex and retreated back to the opposite side of Ezra and returned the lighting equipment to the councilor. I set to work patching up the crew and Mal's ear took some doing but I think it'll be fine. Jayne and Zoe's wounds had passed through their flesh without…."

No, that's enough for now. Kaylee closed the journal, stood and went to check the clothes. Simon was sitting alone reading a book in the lounge and she sat next to him.

"Hey, how's the picture?" she asked.

"Oh. It's good, very good. River took it to her room. Said she wanted to do you later."

"Me. How come?"

"She wants to do one of everybody before we leave."

"You mean…"

"Yes. She agreed to come with us."

Kaylee broke into a big grin. "Oh, that's wonderful news."

He was pensive. "Simon? What's the matter?"

"Just thinking about money. We need a lot. Passage to Boros for three. Then we need to find a place to settle and find work. Lots to do."

"When we off load this cargo we'll have a big pile coming to us."

"I know but we need to make it last."

She nodded and then quickly went and loaded the next load of clothes, returned with the first load and she and Simon started folding them. As they worked they talk on what they needed to take with them and about how much money they had saved. Then Kaylee remembered Simon had been talking to Jayne.

"He asked me why I told you that about Ariel. Told him you were my wife and we had no secrets."

"That ape. He doesn't deserve you helping him."

"I'm still ship's medic till we leave and he's still crew."

"I guess so. What else did he say?"

"He said he didn't want to be fighting with you and asked me how to make things better."

Kaylee was surprised. "He did? What did you say?"

"I told him he had to tell the truth or you would never forgive him."

"Don't think I will anyway. So what was his reply?"

"He said nothing. But you know what? He didn't deny it this time."

Dinner time came and Zoe made a wonderful stew and the Capt'n even took some of the beef from the cargo hold for it and gave Kaylee some more flour to make bread. Jayne came in last and as everyone sat down to eat he stood. Kaylee looked at him and then to all the others and they were all a bit surprised and then Kaylee realized he was going to admit to it. Everyone looked at him, waiting for it. His head was down and he had trouble looking them in the eye and they could tell he was deeply embarrassed and ashamed. Kaylee even felt a little sad for him.

"You know I ain't much for words. But I'll try. Guess you all think I'm the worse man in the verse. I know you do Kaylee. Thing is I been carrying this inside for all these months. I ain't much for guilt but this thing has been bugging me. Mal already knew,…" gasps of shock as they looked at Mal, Zoe especially "…Doc and River knew too so I guess I thought that was all that mattered. But the rest of you is crew also and I guess you should all know. I ain't proud of what I done and I ain't got no excuse except I'm greedy. I did call the feds on Ariel. Soon as they had us that bastard decided to ad me to the arrest warrant for aiding fugitives and collect the Tam reward for himself. I ain't asking you to forgive me, Kaylee. But don't be leaving Serenity on account me. If anyone goes, I'll go."

And he sat down and it was silent for a long moment. Kaylee realized they were waiting for her to say something first.

Kaylee looked at Jayne. "Simon and River seem to have forgiven you. I guess the Capt'n did, too. I don't know if I ever will. But you done the right thing Jayne, admitting what you done. And you did save them back on Ariel. Both those things mean a lot to me. We ain't leaving cause of you." She look around the table, at these people who were her family. "It's just time for us to have a home, put down roots. Time to think on the future."

"We're gonna miss you," said Zoe.

"Don't forget us," said Inara.

"We won't," said Simon as he held Kaylee's hand.

"So Persephone," started Mal, trying to sound upbeat but his heart really wasn't in it. "We sell the cargo, finish the inspection check and then I'll pay you off, all three of you. Then we need to find someone to replace you."

"New crew," Jayne said in disgust. "I hate new crew." And they all laughed, even Kaylee a bit, and the mood lightened.

They ate and talked about the future, Simon and Kaylee dancing around the subject of where to live. Lots of suggestions were thrown at them and they contemplated a few of them. Simon hadn't told River where they would live yet and she sat and rattled off statistics about each place mentioned. She amazed them all with ability to know so much about each world.

After dinner was over and they had coffee and tea Zoe finally looked at Mal and asked him the burning question. "How did you know Jayne called the feds and how long have you known?"

"Soon as we got back from the hospital," Jayne said as he took a sip of coffee. "He slugged me and I woke up in the airlock. Then he opened the outer door."

Everyone froze and looked in horror at Mal. "What? He deserved it."

Kaylee, much as she still had bad feelings for Jayne, couldn't believe it. "You were gonna space him!"

Simon had a puzzled look. "Sorry, 'space him'. What does that mean?"

"It's an old way of dealing with a troublesome crew member," began Zoe.

Jayne picked up the explanation. "You put him in an airlock as you take off, open the door, and when you reach upper atmo he either freezes to death or dies from no oxygen and then gets sucked out into the space."

"That's horrible," Simon said and he was pale and Kaylee knew he was thinking on his fears of airlocks and space.

"Wash told me he found you in the airlock but you wouldn't tell him why," Zoe said looking at Jayne.

"Now you know," the mercenary replied.

"Always wondered who let you out," chimed in Mal, so calm about all this.

"Yeah, Capt'n, but how did you know he called the feds?"

"Cause the feds had no idea we'd be in that hospital. Doc had a good plan, a great plan, almost foolproof. Just wasn't Jayne proof. Also, cause they were at the back door. Cause he was pissed off River had cut him. Cause he'd been talking about doing the very same thing since they got on the boat. Cause he had an opportunity."

Mal was glaring at Jayne now and Jayne glared back.

"Am I gonna take a lashing for this for the rest of my life?"

"No, Jayne. Like I said past is past. Just making sure you know that. Simon and River leave Serenity they're no longer crew. But I ever find out someone tells the feds where they are and they get caught, first person I'm gonna look for is you."

"Mal, I ain't gonna rat no one out ever again."

"Good. That's all that needs saying."

Mal stood and took his cup to the kitchen and said he'd be on the bridge.

"I can't believe he was gonna space you," said Zoe, still in awe. She knew the Capt'n better than anyone, thought Kaylee, but if she was surprised I guess she didn't know him that well.

"Believe it," said Jayne. "Cause it happened."

Dinner ended and Kaylee and River cleaned up. Simon check Jayne's shoulder one last time and then Jayne went off early to bed, the day seemingly a bit too stressful in a way he wasn't used to. He said goodnight to Kaylee and she said the same and she thought he smiled a little.

Later in bed, after collecting the last of the laundry and folding and putting it away, Kaylee asked Simon about the Skyplex battle.

"Did you shoot anyone?"

"No. Don't think so. Did you?"

"God, no." She paused for a second. "River did."

"I guess River saved us all even then. If those men had gotten on Serenity it would have been very bad indeed."

Kaylee felt a chill as she remembered and snuggled closer to him.

"Thought I was gonna die there. Just couldn't fire my gun. I let everyone down"

"No, you didn't. You were very brave."

She felt better. "You know since we've been married, you always know how to say the right things. What was the matter with you before?"

He laughed. "Lack of confidence, ah, trying too hard, not knowing what I wanted, ah, trying to impress you, ah, and I'm sure there are some other reasons."

"Well, doctor, you're doing much better now."

He hugged her and stroked her hair and Kaylee felt warm and happy inside. After a long time they finally fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11 Trash

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 11 – Trash**

Kaylee, Simon, and River stood at the foot of the cargo bay ramp, their luggage at their feet, looking up at Mal, Zoe, Jayne and Inara. The dreaded moment had arrived and Kaylee had a lump in her throat, unable to say what she wanted to say to them.

"It's time," Simon finally said to her. "Our ship leaves in thirty minutes."

"I hate saying goodbye," she replied, afraid she'd start crying. She was looking at them all, especially her Capt'n, her big brother, her hero.

"It ain't goodbye," Mal said. "We'll be seeing you again, little Kaylee. I can promise you that much. Take care."

With that he turned and walked inside and the others followed, not a word to those left behind. Kaylee felt it was all wrong, something terrible was wrong, and then Serenity took off. But wait, who was piloting it? Who was looking after the sick and injured? Who was taking care of the engines? No one was! She started running after the ship, Simon and River chasing her, their voices lost to the noise of the engines and then Serenity was high in the sky and Kaylee felt sick at heart. Suddenly there was a tremendous explosion as Serenity blew up into a million pieces, raining metal and death all around the Eavesdown Docks of Persephone.

Kaylee screamed "NO!" over and over again and then fell to the ground and covered her eyes, not wanting to be alive anymore, knowing it was her fault Serenity blew up 'cause she wasn't there to look after her. After a long while the noise of the explosion disappeared and Kaylee opened her eyes and stood.

She wasn't on the Eavesdown Docks anymore, but in a bedroom and a baby was crying. She went to a crib in a corner and saw the most beautiful baby girl in the verse and knew she was hers. The baby had captivating green eyes like hers and lovely brown hair. She picked her up and cuddled her and sat in a rocking chair by an open window and hugged and loved her daughter. She closed her eyes, sang a lullaby and fell asleep with her baby in her arms.

When she woke up she was outside, on a dusty street in a small town, surrounded by Alliance soldiers. They had Simon and River handcuffed and were dragging them away.

"Kaywinnet Lee Frye, you are bound by law for aiding fugitives and marrying a wanted man!' said a voice and she recognized it instantly.

She turned and looked into the lawman Dobson's face. "But I love him!" she shouted and Dobson and everyone else laughed at her. Kaylee spun around and yelled "stop it" over and over but they wouldn't. She put her hands to ears to block the noise but one voice came through and she knew that voice, too.

"You got my money?" said the voice and Kaylee turned cold inside as she saw Jayne standing next to Dobson.

Dobson handed him a large bag. "It's all here."

"Nice doing business with you all," Jayne said as he took the bag and grinned his evil leer. He looked at Kaylee for an instant and she could see the shame on his face. "Sorry. Never meant to hurt you, Kaylee. Just, the money was too good." Then a red dot appeared on Jayne's forehead and he fell to the ground dead. All turned to chaos as shots rang out, soldiers fell dead and Dobson screamed, "Not again!" as Mal shot him over and over.

"He dead?" said Zoe as she finished the last soldier.

"Most definitely this time," said Mal and Kaylee ran to him and jumped into his arms.

"Told you I'd be seeing you again," he said as he smiled in his devilish way. Zoe freed Simon and River as Mal walked up to Jayne's lifeless body.

"And I told you I'd find you if you ever ratted them out again," and he reloaded his gun and emptied it into Jayne.

"Time to go, sir," said Zoe and in the distance a large Alliance troop ship could be seen approaching. All of them ran to Serenity and as soon as they were on board River ran to the bridge and then they were in the air.

Then Kaylee remembered. "My baby! I forgot my baby girl!"

Simon looked at her with puzzlement. "Kaylee, we don't have a baby. Remember? You can't have children."

"No! That's not true! How can you say such a terrible thing?"

"But I'm a doctor. Of course it's true." He was so cold and clinical.

"I want my baby!" she screamed again and again.

"Kaylee, Kaylee!" Simon said, and she felt him touching her shoulder, and then she knew it wasn't real, it had all been a dream, a nightmare. She gasped as she awoke, the images so vivid, the feelings of despair gripping her soul.

"You've been dreaming," Simon said as he hugged her. "Take a breath, it's OK, I'm here."

"Oh, God, Simon, it was awful," she began. "Serenity blew up and then Jayne told Dobson where we were, an Alliance cruiser was chasing us, and then, then you…" She stopped and looked at him.

'What? What did I do?" he asked.

"Said we couldn't have babies," and her face shown all the sorrow in the verse as if that part were true.

"It's, it's just a dream. Of course you can have babies. You're only 21, you're healthy, wonderful woman who is going to have lots of babies and make a wonderful mother."

"Really? Can we….check to make sure?" she asked.

"You mean…now?"

She nodded and was already getting out of bed. Kaylee grabbed his blue robe and tossed it to him as he stood also. He stretched, rubbing his face and stifling a yawn.

"It won't be thorough,' Simon said as he put on his robe. "I haven't got the equipment. I can examine you but any tests would have to wait till we reach Persephone."

She took his hand. "I need to know for sure. As much as you can tell me."

"Of course," he smiled and Kaylee felt better and led the way out of their room to the infirmary.

Kaylee lay on the examining table and Simon got the internal scanner. "Lift up you nightdress," he said and Kaylee forgot her fears for a second and felt a little aroused as she followed his orders and then he stood over her, very close, and ran the scanning device over her belly.

"We didn't make love yesterday," she said, a hint of disappointment in her voice.

"I know, too much drama," he said but he was distracted, concentrating on the image scanner on the wall. "Everything seems in the right place. Ovaries look healthy, womb, too. That bullet missed your reproductive system, so no worries there."

"Simon, would you leave me if I couldn't have a baby?"

He was stunned by her question and just stood looking at her. "Kaylee, I love you. I will love any children we have. But if we can't, medical science will help us. If we still can't there are plenty of children in the verse that need a mother and father."

'You mean…adopt?"

"Most certainly. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm no expert at gynecology or obstetrics but you are in perfect health. But…" he stopped as he suddenly thought of something.

She was instantly worried. "What? What is it?"

He looked at her gravely. "Kaylee please don't be mad but I need to ask this. Have you ever had an abortion?"

Kaylee answered very calmly. "No, always been real careful. My mommy and daddy didn't raise no dummies."

He signed with relief. "That's good. If a woman has an abortion before her first baby there could be complications."

He put down the scanning device, turned off the machine. "When we get to Persephone or Boros we'll take some blood and do some tests. That's all I can do for now."

"No, it's not," she grinned and took his hand and dragged him to her side. She reached inside his robe and Simon gave a little start, looked around at the windows as she felt him becoming aroused.

"Kaylee, we don't have much privacy here.'

"I know, makes it more exciting. Have you ever, you know, done it in the OR or examining room?"

"No…but…"

"Always wanted to?"

He gulped as she continued to touch him. "Yes," he managed to get out and then he quickly went to the door, closed it and turned off the lights. The glow from the passenger lounge lights provided some lighting as he made his way back to Kaylee, bent over her, kissed her, and let the passions of the moment carry them away. It was fast and exciting, both giggling as they tried to keep quiet, Simon looking up constantly for signs of someone but no one came. He had to kiss her to keep the noise of her passion from echoing through the ship, even with the door closed, and finally when both were sated they quickly made their way back to their room.

"The engine room is next," Kaylee said as they collapsed into bed together and he grinned.

"Let's make it in the dead of night," he said and suddenly they both realize today was their last full day on Serenity. If River's calculations were correct, and there was no reasons for them to not be since she was always correct, they would land at the Eastdown Docks of Persephone at 9 am local time tomorrow morning.

"Today is the last day," Simon said.

"I just remembered," Kaylee replied quietly. They were silent for a long moment, both reflecting on the meaning of this. "I still have to finish the checks but today is the last day out here, in the black."

She sat up and then looked at him. "Let's go to the bridge and take a look at the stars." And before he could speak she was up and changing her clothes. As Simon dressed too, Kaylee took one of her green birth prevention pills out of its package. Suddenly she felt like she didn't want to take it. Simon pulled on his sweater and notice she was standing holding it in her hand, looking at it. They looked at each other, her face telling him everything she wanted. He nodded and walked to her, took the pill from her hand and placed it on the desk.

She took a deep breath as her hugged her. "Oh, I want to be a mother so badly."

"You will. No matter what happens, you will."

After a quick trip to the washroom for both of them they made their way upstairs. Kaylee checked the engine and set the power settings for the day. To their surprise Jayne was in the kitchen making breakfast.

"Morning," he said. "Be ready in a minute." He was cooking some porridge and making toast from the remains of last night's bread Kaylee had made and had a bunch of eggs sizzling on the grill. He looked at them and Kaylee could feel the tension level rising again.

"Good morning," Simon said.

"Morning," Kaylee said. "Sleep well?"

Jayne grinned. "Yeah, having a clear…what ya call it…conscience helps."

It was polite conversation but that's all it was, said because they were together and it was better to be polite than be anger at each other, at least Kaylee felt so after yesterday's dramatics. Kaylee never stayed mad long at anyone and she could already feel her anger toward Jayne disappearing. She suddenly had a strange feeling of guilt for having put Jayne through all the drama of yesterday and placing him in a position where everyone questioned his trust. He had deserved it, but he had saved Simon and River in the end, and fought for them many times and had been a rock in their weak wall of defenders in the Reaver fight. She couldn't help the thoughts and knew she had to say something. Kaylee came up to him and he stopped what he was doing and Simon and Jayne both tensed up, probable expecting more fireworks from her, she thought.

"Jayne, sorry about yesterday. Just…I had to say it."

Both Simon and Jayne were surprised and she felt them both exhale at the same time. The big man struggled for the right thing to say. "Ain't no need to, ah…be sorry…I deserved it. I'm one who messed up. Shoulda told you all long time ago."

"I hate to leave any bad feelings behind."

"No, you was right to call me out on it. I never shoulda said I didn't do it."

"We'll be leaving soon and don't what this hanging over us," Kaylee said. "That's all."

Jayne finished flipping some eggs. "Don't tell me where you're going. Don't wanna know. Might get some crazy ideas again." He wouldn't look at them as he said this.

"We understand" said Simon and Kaylee hesitated, seemed to want to say more, and then came to Simon's side and they made their way to the bridge.

River was sitting the pilot's seat, checking the navigation charts and they were surprised to see her.

"How long have you been awake?" Simon asked his sister.

She didn't even look at them. "You two should have sex in your room. The infirmary is supposed to be a sterile place." Simon and Kaylee looked at each other in shock wondering if she had seen them or had read their minds. Kaylee was hoping it was the latter. Before they could say anything River was up and moving toward the dinning area.

She stopped and turned. "Oh, and on Boros, there are a few towns in isolated areas. They'd be perfect. Let's eat."

Again Kaylee and Simon were surprised, that River knew where they wanted to go but not that much. Kaylee knew she had read their minds and had probably done so yesterday but she had said nothing. She had to keep remembering that there was no point hiding things from River.

They didn't want to eat, not yet anyway, and sat for a long time and stared out at the stars. The blue sphere in the distance was Persephone, getting bigger as they got closer, smaller ones nearby her moons, some settled, others not. They even spotted the blinking nav lights of a large passenger cruiser off in the distance, heading away from Persephone. They took turns trying to guess the names of the moons and stars, looking at the star charts when they had a dispute. It was fun and it might be their last chance to do so for many years, Kaylee thought with sadness. She was going to miss the black that was for sure.

Then both were hungry and went to the dining area. Everyone was up and just about finished eating. After quick hellos and more nods and knowing grins between Kaylee and Zoe toward Inara and Mal, breakfast ended and Mal called for a ship's meeting. Everyone sat with their coffee or tea as he stood and spoke.

"Last day of the trip. Time to think about the next part. How long to finish the inspection, Kaylee?"

"'bout two days, Capt'n, on my end. Then need to have the inspector come aboard and then have to do a test flight for finally inspection."

Zoe raised a point they all seemed to be thinking about. "Is this really necessary, sir? We've flown for years without an inspection sticker. Serenity is a known ship to the Alliance. Asking for an inspection seems kinda…."

"Nuts," finished Jayne.

"Figure you'd bring that up," started Mal. "I got a contact on Persephone, gonna make sure things run smooth and no Alliance need know about us. He guarantees we'll have no trouble. About time Serenity joined the legit ranks of space transport."

"Who is it?" asked Inara and he looked to her and smiled.

"Old friend of ours, Warrick Harrow, of the red sash."

"And the stinking cows," added Jayne and Mal gave him one his looks.

"Harrow is very powerful on Persephone. I'm sure we'll be fine," said Inara.

"Harrow? Is that who the cargo is for, sir?" asked Zoe.

"Yup, he and his friends got refined tastes."

Simon shifted in his chair. "Uh, hate to raise another point, but didn't you say Badger claimed you couldn't do business on Persephone without his say so."

Jayne snorted. "Last we saw likes a him his men were taking a dirt nap and he was taking a long walk in the wilderness."

"That he was. Still like to take some skin off his hide for setting us up with Dobson at Sturges. Suppose he feels the same. If he's still alive and operating he's gonna be mighty sore at us, too. Like to avoid any trouble that'd attract Alliance eyes and ears. So we're gonna stay away from the Eavesdown Docks."

Mal pulled a computer chip from his pocket and then passed it to River.

"New coordinates. Upload them for tomorrow's landing."

"Aye, Captain," said River and she stood and went to the bridge.

Kaylee and Simon looked at each other, a bit worried. "Capt'n, we was hoping to find passage off Persephone at the Eavesdown Docks."

Again his face betrayed his sadness. "I figured as much. After we finish inspection I'll get you some transport over there. Any ideas where you're going yet?"

"No," said Simon quickly, too quickly, and he looked to Jayne. The subtext was not lost on the others, but not in the way they thought.

Zoe looked at them. "When you get settled make sure you wave us."

'We will," said Kaylee. Again a sense of sadness invaded the ship and Kaylee felt bad for leaving them.

"Rest of you, finish any jobs need doing today before we land tomorrow. Then take it easy, get some rest 'cause we got lots to do on Persephone. Simon, how's Jayne's shoulder?"

"It's fine…" started Jayne but Simon interrupted.

"Stitches should come out tomorrow. Then no heavy lifting for a few more days."

"You said three days!" Jayne complained.

"Well, it's going to be a few more."

"Listen to the Doctor, Jayne. Don't need you laid up anymore than need be."

"Just getting soft, is all," Jayne added.

"I'm sure you'll be back in fighting form in no time," said Mal. "Ok, that's all I have to say."

The captain broke up the meeting and everyone went to do what needed to be done. Inara and Kaylee cleaned up the breakfast dishes as Mal sat at the table and went over the ship's papers, complaining about all the regulations, seconding guessing his plan to try to make Serenity a legitimate cargo carrier. Zoe decided to take a shower and then do her laundry. Jayne and Simon went to the infirmary to change his bandage one last time and River followed Kaylee to the engine room when the dishes were finished and sketched her lying in her hammock. They chatted about the future on Boros, and what they hoped to do and Kaylee's desires for children. River said she'd like to go to school or university if they had one or become a dancer. But when she talked about Serenity and leaving, Kaylee got the feeling River's heart was more on the ship than with them coming to Boros.

After the sketch was finished, beautiful as usual, River went to the bridge to check on the new coordinates and calculate their new time of arrival. Since Kaylee had no tasks except routine checks on the engine, which she quickly dealt with, she decided to read some more of Simon's journal. The after breakfast meeting had reminded her a bit of the time they had planned to dupe Saffron when they pulled the Lassiter caper and she knew that was coming up in the journal. Simon and River hadn't done much during that caper but it was when he had learned of Jayne's betrayal so she wanted to see just how he had reacted to that bit of news.

Kaylee entered their room and looked at all their stuff that was placed in every nook and cranny, clothes in piles here and there, Simon's medical books and other reading material on the desk, all the charts on River, Kaylee's few cosmetics she owned and their toiletries on a shelf, her umbrella, her work clothes and boots, and of course her pink dress from the ball, all wrapped in plastic.

She smiled as she looked at it and it reminder her of that time. Hanging next to it, also in plastic, was her white wedding dress that had also been her mother's so long ago. Kaylee felt a tug of sadness as she thought on her mother. It had been almost three years since she passed and sometimes Kaylee still couldn't believe it. Her father was all alone and as she thought on him she knew she and Simon had to settle down, have a family, and bring her father to see them or stay with them, for however long he liked. All doubts about leaving Serenity, doubts brought into sharper focus by her dream, were now gone and she knew she was going to leave.

The journal was in its place and Kaylee took it and curled up on the bed, opening to where she had left off. Simon had been describing the wounds Jayne and Zoe had received on Niska's Skyplex. And then he went into long detail how he had reattached the Capt'n's ear. Kaylee always felt a bit squeamish when she read these parts and often skipped them but this time she read it and felt a little proud of her man.

There were more little notes about her and his feelings for her. "Kaylee smiled at me this morning and it was like a ray of sunshine." "I can't help but stare at her everything time she's around me. I get choked up and have trouble speaking sometimes, too. Still putting my foot in my mouth." That was for sure!

Then there was one of those times when it almost seemed they would connect. "Kaylee and I cooked dinner together and she teased me about my lack of culinary skills. I said I'd make a terrible husband and she got a funny looked and said no, I'd probable make a great husband. And I said she'd make a great wife and mother. We both felt something pass between us again and I wanted to kiss her but then someone entered the kitchen and interrupted as always."

So many times that had happened! Just as she and Simon seemed to be about to…someone turned a corner, entered a room, yelled for him or her over the intercom, or River was troubled, or, or….it had been so maddening, almost as if there had been a conspiracy to prevent them from being together. Of course, it was all in her mind and she kicked herself now because she should have just thrown herself into his arms and to devil with the consequences.

"Since the Skyplex fight River is more distant from the crew. Something happened between her and Kaylee and when I asked she wouldn't explain and I don't feel Kaylee would tell me either. Also, River has been making cryptic comments about Jayne and how he isn't that big a hero. It all makes no sense to me and I wonder if it is more psychosis or problems with the medication I am giving River."

It all made sense to Kaylee though, the coldness between her and River was Kaylee's fear of what River had done in the Skyplex fight and her cryptic comments about Jayne were related to his betrayal of them on Ariel.

"We've just finished delivering a load of wobbly head geisha dolls to Kitan." Kaylee felt a giggle building and then let it out as she remembered. There was a yearly festival on Kitan, a planet near the Core with an unusually high population of Orientals, and the central point of the festival was the giving of wobbly headed dolls as a token of friendship. The dolls came in all shapes and sizes and the more elaborate and expensive the dolls the more the friendship meant. It was a sign of love even or a desire to enter a business relationship and there were mystifying rituals, at least to outsiders, as to the exact meaning of the wobbly headed doll ceremony.

With over 40 million of the dolls sold each year it was a great business opportunity but the trade was strictly control by the people of Kitan who made all dolls on planet and jealously guarded against smugglers, even paying the Alliance a large fee to provide some cruisers in the days leading up to the festival. Serenity had been contracted to smuggle the wobbly headed geisha dolls made on Greenleaf into Kitan to an unscrupulous local who wanted to avoid paying the local government tax on each doll made and sold. The crew had laughed when they had seen the cargo and the Capt'n had been a bit angry at the levity the crew had for the assignment. Kaylee had taken one for her room, Wash had placed one on the bridge next to his dinosaurs, and one day they had found River playing with dozens of them on the cargo bay floor. That they had managed to make the deal without any problems and had gotten a good pay day seemed to stress even more how easy the whole thing had been, despite the Capt'n's worries.

"To our great surprise, Saffron, the captain's 'wife' who tried to steal the ship and kill us a few months ago, is back on board Serenity. River and I are now being forced to remain in our room as Mal is worried Saffron might recognize us and call the feds to collect the reward. There has been enough of that lately. River finally revealed what her cryptic comments about Jayne had been. We weren't taken by chance on Ariel: he called the Alliance. I guess I shouldn't be so shocked by this news. Jayne has his own self interest at heart at all times and he has never been friendly to us. Still, I was almost ready to believe he had changed and felt gratitude for him saving us on Ariel. Now that I think over what happened, his betrayal is all the more obvious. The soldiers were exactly where we walked, they knew our names immediately, and the men with the hands of blue, if River's readings are correct, arrived far too quickly. The question now is what should I do about Jayne?"

What to do about Jayne. It was all out in the open now and Kaylee hoped he had learned his lesson. Maybe he hadn't since he didn't want them to tell him where they were going. Then again perhaps the man knew his own weakness, like an alcoholic who can't go into a bar or be near someone who is drinking for fear of giving in to temptation.

"Another day has passed with more adventure. This time it wasn't as dangerous and only one person got hurt, Jayne. The details of all that happened have just been told to me by Wash and Kaylee. Apparently, when we did a cargo run two days ago on an isolated moon, Mal ran into his old war comrade named Monty, who just happened to be the husband of Saffron now. Except she called herself Bridgett. It seems she has more than one alias and more than one husband."

How many, they didn't care to guess, thought Kaylee. Jeeze, she had enough trouble just snaring one man and this Saffron or whatever her name was had them all over the galaxy!

"After the captain revealed her past to Monty he decided that he'd have a quick divorce, of the abandonment on a lifeless rock kind. Mal, probably against his instincts, took her on board Serenity in one of our cargo containers. She made him believe that a lucrative job was in the works and she just hadn't gotten around to telling Monty yet. Well, for once she wasn't lying, because the job involved the Lassiter, the original laser gun built hundreds of years ago, of which she knew where one of only two surviving samples lay."

The wench knew her merchandise that's for sure. When they had finally managed to fence it, the Lassiter ended up fetching Serenity's biggest pay day ever and the Capt'n gave them all a great bonus on top and bought the hovercraft Mule and redid Serenity's interior and upgraded the engine. And then soon after it seemed as if all the luck in the verse left them and they fell on hard times again, barely getting by in the days before the events that led them to Miranda.

"The prize was in a floating island estate off the coast of Bellerophon, held by a man who also turned out to be an ex-husband of Saffron. Except he knew her by the name of Yolanda. The crew planned to dupe Saffron this time and laid out an elaborate scheme to counter every move she could possibly come up with. In the end it was lucky they did so, because she had been planning a double cross. Inara was part of the plan and she managed to beat Saffron to the prize after the crew had secured it. The only troublesome spot had been Jayne's injury."

Well, that and the fact that Saffron has sabotaged the ship again and it had taken Kaylee a good thirty minutes to get them to flying once more and another hour to undo all the mess she had made.

"To get the Lassiter out of the estate, which floats in the sky high above the ocean, they had to place it in the garbage bin at the bottom of the estate, which was reprogrammed by Kaylee to be flown to new coordinates after its drone recovery system was activated. Kaylee and Jayne had climbed out on the top of Serenity to get to the control panel on the garbage bin. At this time Jayne received an electric shock from the device and wrenched his spine badly. He was lowered into the ship and Book and I took him by stretcher to the infirmary."

It had been a terrifying few minutes for Kaylee. The ship had been bucking and swaying, she and Jayne only held on top by secure lifelines, the wind blowing hard and cold, making it difficult to keep their footing and understand each other. She had tried to warn Jayne about the danger but it was too late. He got zapped and flew across the ship landing square on his back. Kaylee had struggled to move him and never would have gotten the heavy Jayne inside if Zoe hadn't come to help her. Then Kaylee herself had been almost crushed by the drone coming to take the bin. She had barely got the reprogrammed gyro control panel back in place when Zoe's steely grip dragged her down and as she looked up all she could she was metal and Zoe was screaming for Wash to get them out of there. Without a doubt, Zoe had saved her life. Again. She'd have to do something nice for her before she left.

"I gave Jayne an injection to prevent him from moving when he woke up, His spine wasn't broken but he needed to lie still for some time to allow it to heal. When he awoke I told him I knew about Ariel. He denied it as I expected but I made him understand that no matter how much we disliked and distrusted each other, we had to live with each other and that as long as he was my patient I wouldn't harm him. I actually think he was afraid. I now truly despise the man and all he stands for."

"There was a piece of fun for the crew at the end of the job. Although I didn't see it, Kaylee and Wash could not stop laughing as they described how they had found Mal without any clothes on, alone in the desert. Saffron had managed to take his gun from him and shuttle two and left him naked in the desert. He claimed it was all part of the plan but I think him losing his clothes wasn't something anyone actually planned for or expected."

Kaylee had a fit of giggles as she remembered how the Capt'n had been so cool about the whole thing, acting like he wasn't even naked, walking around without a care in the world. Inara had also been so cool, seeing the Capt'n naked for the first time, at least Kaylee thought it had been the first time. Guess Inara seen more naked men than most women and one more was no big deal. Course, it was a man she had feelings for. Or did she at that time? Hmmm, something to ask her before they left the ship.

Simon walked in the room at that point and she still had a big grin on and he asked her why she was smiling.

"Just reading about the Capt'n naked in the desert."

"Oh, yeah, that must have been quite a sight."

"Just, he was so calm about it all, like it was no big deal,' and she again started laughing.

Simon sat on the bed next to her and picked up the journal, reaching out and placing it on the desk. "I'm glad my writing is amusing you and not scaring you anymore."

"Well, that time wasn't as scary as some of the others," she started but then remembered it had been dangerous. "I did almost get crushed by the garbage bin."

All her joy left her face and she got cold inside and trembled a bit and Simon held her hand, touched her cheek, trying to comfort her. "Almost lost you before I knew…before I had a chance to….love you. The times when we almost…." But he didn't finish, not wanting to say it.

"Been too many times," Kaylee added. "For me and you and the others. And we all ain't here anymore."

They were silent for a moment looking at each other. "If ever I…." he started but she quickly put a finger to his lips.

"No, don't say it. Don't want to think about it. Too painful. You write what you want, put it in an envelope and seal it. I'll do what it says if I can, but don't tell me, I don't want to think on it. I ain't some innocent girl without a clue about the verse. People die and I've seen it and I know we all go eventually. But let's not have dark thoughts clouding our happiness."

"I agree. We won't mention it again."

They hugged and felt the warmth of each other as they couldn't help but let their thoughts drift to that very subject they want to avoid.

"Jayne said he wants to go the Southdown Abbey on Persephone,' said Simon in a quiet voice.

"The Southdown….oh."

"He wants to make sure the brothers know what happened to Book. Said he'd feel better knowing they knew and heard it from someone who knew him. It seems like he's trying to make amends in a lot of ways, like he's paying for his past sins."

"That's so nice of him."

"He and Book were friends."

"Suppose so," she said. They were quiet for a while, holding each other, and final Kaylee looked at him and saw he was pensive.

"I'm worried about the next few days," he confessed, noticing her look of concern.

"Me, too. Gonna be painful. I hate saying goodbye."

"It's not too late to change our minds," Simon said and she looked at him and knew he didn't mean it and knew he said it cause he wanted to make sure she was leaving cause she wanted to leave.

"No, we've made a decision and it's the right one. Boros' gonna be our new home, for a spell, at least till we find a way to get the Alliance off our backs."

"I hope, some day. I didn't want you to be a fugitive, too, Kaylee."

"My eyes were wide open when I said "I do' Doctor Tam."

"I don't deserve you."

"Yes, you do. You're a good man, an honest man, and there ain't too many of them around. I'm the luckiest and happiest woman in the verse."

He stroked her cheek and kissed her gently and then with passion and they both felt the desire building in them again, and they hastily started removing their clothes. Soon they were naked and they were exploring every spot on each others' body with hands and lips and tongue.

"Make me a woman, make me a mother" she breathed into his ear, her voice heavy with lust. "Make me yours."

And all the rest of the morning and afternoon Kaylee and Simon lay in bed, making love, talking, cuddling and making love again, trying everything they wanted to try, and no one disturbed them, no one knocked on the door or interrupted them and for once the ship was at peace and Kaylee had her man to herself uninterrupted for hours on end. They skipped lunch and no one came for them and by dinner time they lay asleep in peace and Kaylee dreamed of nothing but good things, of babies in her arms, of children going to school, of River getting married, of Simon and her father and their sons drinking and laughing together at a big table in a bright cheery home on a nice street in a quiet town, of her old friends coming to visit, telling their stories of adventure and asking Kaylee to fix that or tweak this. And then, at the end of her dreams, was a day she longed for, a day when she walked on the dazzling streets of Osiris with her handsome doctor on her arm, dressed in the finest fashions, doing what they wanted to do, and they didn't have to look over their shoulder or worry about what they said or did, and all was right again in the 'verse.


	12. Chapter 12 The Message

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 12 – The Message**

After laying in bed most of the morning and afternoon, enjoying long lingering hours of pleasure with her husband, Kaylee awoke and felt famished and the need for a shower. Simon still dozed so she carefully crawled out of bed, put on his robe, grabbed her soap, shampoo, and a green towel and, after a quick inspection of the passenger lounge to make sure no one was about, she dashed across to the bathroom. After disabling the timing device and adjusting the water to just the right temperature, not too hot, but just enough to sting, she climbed into the shower booth under the invigorating spray of water and enjoyed a long shower, without a shred of guilt as they would soon be on Persephone and could replenish their water supply.

She was still drying her hair with her towel when a knock came to the door. It was Simon so she let him in and gave him a long kiss. He badly needed a shower too so Kaylee disabled the control device once again and the water started flowing again immediately. After a long while he joined her in their room and they got dressed and went up stairs. It was now after seven and they thought everyone would be finished supper. They were wrong.

The table was full and the talking stopped as everyone stared at them as they entered the room. Kaylee felt very self-conscious.

"What?" she said as she suddenly felt hot and her face turned red.

"Still with us Doctor?" teased Zoe and everyone broke into grins at Simon and Kaylee's obvious discomfort.

"OK, OK," said Kaylee as they sat down, Simon also a shade of red. "Can't us married folk enjoy an afternoon of …being together."

"Is that what they're calling it now?" Zoe continued.

"You don't have to be married, though," said Inara and she looked at Mal with a lingering lustful stare and he nearly spit out the sip of coffee he had just taken.

"Ah, yeah. We saved you some dinner," Mal said as everyone smiled at him now. "Figured you'd….need it."

"I'll get it" said Simon as Kaylee was about to rise, more to escape from the continuing scrutiny than anything else. He made his way to the kitchen and got two plates and started putting a rice pilaf that someone had made on both plates. Simon returned to the table with the plates and utensils and he and Kaylee started eating.

Kaylee's mouth watered as she dug in and it was fantastic. She looked at Simon and could tell he was enjoying it. too. "It's wonderful. Who made it?"

"I did," said River and Inara nodded as Kaylee and Simon looked at River in amazement.

"But…you never cook," said Simon, looking at his sister with a bit of awe.

'Cortex has recipes," was all she said.

"Eat hearty, Doc. It's great. If you'd been another five minutes I was gonna finish it off," Jayne said as he got up and put his dishes in the sink. He then reached into a cupboard, got the dish detergent and started washing the dishes as the others brought their plates and cups over.

Mal looked at Simon. "After you finish regaining your strength, Doc, I need you to inventory all the med supplies and make a list of what we need. Was gonna ask you this afternoon, but figured…"

"Yes, captain," Simon said quickly. "Get on it soon as I finish ah….eating."

"Also, hope you don't mind but I need to steal your wife for a while."

"Steal my wife?" Simon answered, his voice rising a bit in worry.

Kaylee looked from one man to the other and suppressed a grin. "He don't mean it that way. What do you need, Capt'n?"

"Suppose with you leaving I need to know all about my ship now, in case can't find a mechanic right away. Give me the basics, nothing fancy, just how to run the engines and what needs tender loving care."

"Course, Capt'n."

"And you don't mind if I steal your wife, Captain?" said River and Kaylee almost choked on a mouthful of food as she fought off a laugh and Zoe and Simon broke into grins and looked at Inara and Mal.

"I ain't married," said Mal, his voice with a slight trace of annoyance.

"Not yet," said River and then she looked to a blushing Inara. "Can I sketch you? In your shuttle?"

"Of course River. Give me ten minutes to look my best."

Inara rose and gave Mal a look and he did the same and both gave little grins and then she was gone toward the fore hall as River went the opposite way to get her sketch pad and pencils.

"Everyone having a good laugh at my expense?" he finally said to the others as they laughed out loud.

"Oh, come on, sir," began Zoe. "You don't mind teasing Simon and Kaylee. Can't take it?"

"She's not my wife!" he said in exasperation. "This is like a recurring bad dream."

"Then what is she, Capt'n?" asked Kaylee and it was finally out in the open, what they'd been wanting to ask him for the last few days. Jayne stopped washing the dishes and was listening in.

Mal sighed and thought for a long moment. "Don't know yet. Seems like were just getting to know each other for the first time."

"She staying?" asked Jayne, another question they'd been thinking on.

"Ain't broached the subject," he replied quietly.

"She'll stay," said Kaylee with conviction. "She's just waiting for you to ask her to."

"Guess so," said Mal. Then he had a look of determination come to his face, one they had seen many times before when he suddenly made a decision. "Best I get on with it then."

He stood, drained his coffee and with purpose strode toward the fore hall and the last they saw of him he was heading downstairs.

Barely a minute later River entered from the aft hall at with her sketch book and pencils. She sat across from Zoe and opened the pad to a clean page.

"Inara's going to be busy. I'll sketch you now," said River and no one even batted an eye or was surprised that River knew what was going on.

"How do you want me to pose?" Zoe asked, and Kaylee got the impression she was uncomfortable and wasn't used to being sketched or having her picture taken.

"Just like that, at the table, a cup in your hand, but with less scowl."

"I ain't scowling!"

"Yes, you are. More so now," teased Kaylee and Zoe just glared at her and then put on her sweetest smile.

"How's that?"

"Too nice," answered River. "You're supposed to be a warrior."

Zoe rolled her eyes and then put on a look that was one Kaylee had seen her give Wash many times and River said, "Perfect. Hold it." And Kaylee knew Zoe was thinking on her man, not in a sad way, but remembering the happy times.

As River sketched Zoe, Kaylee and Simon finished eating. Then he went off to the infirmary to do his inventory and Kaylee made her way back to their room with a cup of tea in her hand. The reality of them leaving was starting to sink into her now and she wasn't sure how to go about it. She sat at the table and took one of Simon's pens and a small piece of paper and made a list of things to do. She had to clean the bedding, especially after today, wrote it down and then decided to do it right away. After it was loaded in the dry cleaner she returned to her list and crossed that one off. Hmmm, she'd already made some progress.

Next she wrote down "pack bags" and then decided to look at their luggage. Simon had one suitcase and all she had was an old duffle bag she still had from when she first came aboard the ship. There had been no need to get anything new. Kaylee also had all her tools she had brought and acquired over the years and would need them for their new home and if she found work. She knew the two bags would never be enough, especially when she remembered River had come aboard naked and so they would definitely need something borrowed or new once they reached Persephone.

The next item was "Things to take" and she made some sub-headings "Clothes" "Toiletries" "Tools" "Med Kit" "River's Medication" "Books". She stopped and looked at the books and the red spine of the journal caught her eye immediately. She wanted to read more but she knew what was coming next and was afraid. Tracey was next.

Funny thing was now that she thought on it, the episode with Tracey had been a silly girl's game she had played with Simon. She barely knew Tracey half an hour and she was flirty with him and later when she thought on it she had probably been trying to make Simon jealous. But then again Simon wasn't even around to see all her flirting with Tracey 'cause it had been mostly in her bunk she had done so. She had been mad at Simon and his stupid mouth again and felt all alone in the big verse. Then this sad package had come their way, a dead friend of Zoe's and Mal's, who wasn't so dead and was very cute on top of all that. But cute outside didn't mean he was the same inside and shortly after deciding she really liked him, he had a gun to her head and was trying to force her to fly him out of danger on one of Serenity's shuttles. And then he really died.

Kaylee put down her pen and reached for the journey without a moment's hesitation, intensely curious now on how Simon had seen the whole thing with Tracey.

"It's been a few weeks since we saw the last of Saffron and the Lassiter is becoming something of a burden to us. The captain has contacted several people who he thought might want to buy it or knew someone who would. Badger said no and two others, I believe they are twins, Fanty and Mingo Wash called them, also refused to touch it. "Too hot", as Jayne described it, meaning that it was such a rare item that to buy it or try to move it was very risky. We are going to stop tomorrow at a skyplex, not like Niska's, thankfully, but more like a space bazaar, one that has shops and traders, restaurants and carnival booths, and an Alliance post office. I think I overheard the captain say he has a prospective buyer he wants to meet. It's on the route between Greenleaf and Athens so it is a bit out of the way of the heavier Alliance military traffic. I want to try to send a letter to our parents to let them know we are alive but Mal thinks it's too risky. Someone might trace it back to the post office, ask questions, and it could lead them to Serenity. I reluctantly agreed with him. River and I have no idea what has happened to our parents, are they OK, are they being watched by the Alliance, harassed by them, nothing. I can't help but worry about them even though they abandoned us in the months prior to my rescuing River."

Oh, Kaylee felt so bad for him and River. His parents didn't care for him yet he still worried about them, wanting to know if they were all right. Kaylee feared meeting his parents for the first time, if it ever happened, hoping things would go well when Simon and River finally confronted them about the past. The wave conversation after their wedding had been short and polite, but the pain was obvious as Simon and River chatted with them. Simon had decided before they opened the connection to make no mention of the past, not in this way, wanting to be sitting with them on Osiris in their home before he finally said what needed to be said.

"Today has been another tragic day on Serenity. None of our crew has been injured, except Wash slightly, but we were all in danger and we had to watch as a young man died before our eyes. I felt so helpless I could do nothing to save him and feel remorse as I write these words. The day had started with all in a good mood as we docked at the shopping skyplex. We all had some money tucked away and the captain gave permission for all to disembark. River, for whatever reasons I don't know, seemed interested in joining Jayne and Book as they went shopping for ammunition and to look at some guns so I was free. I found myself alone with Kaylee and she was radiant as always, dressed in a lovely flowery dress, with a short hemline, and I found myself getting hot under the collar as I have rarely seen her dressed in anything other than her working clothes."

Kaylee had hoped he would like that little dress. She had worn specifically for him and hoped it would catch his eye.

"I plucked up my courage and asked Kaylee to join me for a look at some carnival booths. She said yes immediately and I was overjoyed. Now I wish I had never asked her because almost at once I made another blunder and this time I feel she will never forgive me."

Well, she had forgiven him, but he just…tried too hard sometimes! She told him to speak plainly more than once but he thought he was still courting ladies of high society on Osiris. Men were so…stupid! At times, anyway.

"We found a carnival booth where the barker claimed there was an alien and right away Kaylee wanted to see it. I knew there was no such thing as there had never been an alien life form found on any of the worlds humans have colonized. The booth was dark and in the center there was a large glass container with a cow. The fetus of a dead baby cow to be exact, mutated but still a cow. Kaylee made a comment about how it got to be in show business and I started to compliment her and somehow I put my foot in my mouth again. We were close and she was touching my hand and my nerves just got the best of me I guess. I meant to say she was the only woman in the world for me but it came out all wrong and I said she was the only woman left in the world, or something like that. She took it to mean I was only interested in her because she was the only woman around and I had no other choices and got extremely angry and stormed out of the room."

Yup, that was about what happened. Later he apologized and explained it all to her but at the time it made Kaylee feel so small and unwanted. She just had to get away from him and let herself calm down. As she walked through the skyplex she found herself doubting her feelings for Simon and wondered when if ever anything would happen and began to think it never would. Then she found the others at the post office and was hit with another blow when she found out there was no mail for her. They hadn't been to a post office in over a month and at the time it had been more than three months since she heard from her father or any friends or relatives. Her father wasn't much for writing letters she knew but still anything, a post card, a little note, anything would have been nice.

"As I walked around trying to find Kaylee to apologize the crew received some post, including a letter from Jayne's family which came with a silly looking winter hat he persisted on wearing, and a crate with a coffin and a dead body inside, as I learned later. It was a young man named Tracey, someone who had served in the war with Mal and Zoe."

The crate had mystified them all and when it was opened and they saw the body it was a shock, especially for the Capt'n and Zoe. Kaylee saw a handsome young man lying all still and knew he was dead and felt like he's too young to be dead. As they started to take the crate toward Serenity Simon had reappeared and, not knowing what was in the crate, ask if they had received anything fun. Kaylee had just stared at him like he was the biggest jerk in the verse. Of, course, he didn't know what was going on but at that point she just didn't even want to be near him or speak to him.

"The body had no wounds we could see and no obvious cause of death. I suggested an autopsy but the captain said it wouldn't be necessary. Kaylee was miffed that I had suggested such a thing and I think she called me a 'robot' under her breath. I had definitely hurt her badly and now she is truly mad at me."

Yeah, he got that part right anyway. Simon was so…doctory, I guess was the only way to put it and of course he couldn't help it, it was his profession. She was the same around machines, if something didn't sound right or was not the way it should be she wanted to fix it if at all possible. Her calling him 'robot' was just a way to get back at him for what he had said earlier. Later she had regretted it and had said sorry to him and he was very gracious.

"Tracey had a recording device in his hands and it contained a message asking Zoe and Mal to return his body to St. Albans to his family. Wash set course immediately. The message had an affect on the crew, being very sad and eerie at the same time, coming from a man we all believed to be dead."

Kaylee had been deeply affected by Tracey's message, him wanting his body to go home to his folks and all her homesickness had come flooding into her heart, the loss of her mother, her father all alone, no mail again, her troubles with Simon, she felt so alone in this big verse. She asked for the recorder from Zoe and she handed it to her without a word.

"After we left the skyplex I went looking for Kaylee to apologize. I tried the most obvious place first, the engine room, but as I approached I could hear Tracey's message playing and when I came to the door I could see Kaylee in her hammock, listening to the message. She was very still and I sensed that she wanted be left alone so turned around and decided I would find a more opportune time to say sorry."

Now that was news to her! He had never told her he had been there at that time. Kaylee felt a twinge of guilt as she could imagine Simon, feeling so bad for what he had done, wanting to make up with her, and she was being so cold to him that he felt he couldn't even interrupt her when she was just listening to a recording. That was so sweet of him! She would have stopped and listened and perhaps secretly in her heart she was hoping he would come and talk to her. Perhaps.

"I had gone to find River and she how she was fairing with seeing a dead man when suddenly the ship suffered a tremendous shock and shook all over. It was caused by a small Alliance police ship with a renegade Alliance officer on board named Womack. It turns out he was after Tracey's body because the former comrade of the captain and Zoe was smuggling human organs inside himself and had taken drugs to make it appear he was dead. As I prepared to open him up for an autopsy to see what Womack wanted, I noticed a previous surgical scar on his chest. Tracey gave us all quite a fright as he awoke and screamed as my scalpel made the first small incision. He attacked me believing I was attacking him and Mal managed to pull him off of me. I don't blame Tracey for the attack because it is quite disorienting to awake from a comatose state. My own experience on Ariel was only for a few hours while Tracey's was much longer, a week he claimed, and he was lucky to have survived such a deep death-like state for so long. Not that it matters now."

Kaylee had heard the noise from the infirmary and had been stunned to see the young man awake and sitting on the infirmary examining table. He stared at her and she felt suddenly like a school girl again, all shy and mealy mouth around a boy she liked. She saw Simon standing behind him and all her doubts about him came back into focus, the things he had said still fresh in her mind. It all seemed so silly now but at the time she wondered why she had ever been interested in the doctor in the first place.

And then she remembered what she had thought on before. Because he was there. The same thing he had said to her in the carnival booth was the same reason she was attracted to him. He was there, and he was the only one she saw every day, the only one who invaded her thoughts all the time, the only one she had a thing for. He had no competition and she had none also, despite her jealousy of Inara. They were constantly alone on the ship, all nine of them. Zoe was married, River was his sister, and Inara was a professional Companion who was obviously attracted to the Capt'n. It was just her and that's what he meant. He had fallen in love with her because she was always there and he got to know her without any distractions from other women, his attention totally focused on her. And it had been the same for her. Wash was married, the Capt'n was like a brother and a bit older than her, the Shepherd was a Shepherd and a lot older than her, and Jayne was just…Jayne, and she couldn't see past his crudeness to find anything attractive about him.

After Tracey had dressed they sat in the passenger lounge and Tracey explained what was going on. He just wanted to make some money to get his folks off cold St. Albans to a nicer place and Kaylee felt like that was the kindest thing anyone had ever done in the verse. The Capt'n seemed angry at Tracey for bringing his troubles to Serenity and Kaylee didn't understand why at the time. Tracey had been their friend in the war, hadn't he?

The next part of the journal was a long description of the organ transport method Tracey was using, the technology involved, and about the dangers of doing it. Kaylee just skimmed it as she usually did with the medical stuff and went on to the rest of the story.

"Womack and his ship were persistent in getting back Tracey so Mal convinced him our fore airlock was damaged by one of the near missile blasts and we had to land to open the doors. Womack fell for this and we were near enough to St. Albans so we made like we were going to land. We found an area covered in canyons and ice fields. Wash made a valiant run for it and we thought we had lost them after we found a cave to hide the ship in. But then they began dropping aerial mines with an electromagnetic pulse. Fearing that our electronics would be fried or the cave collapsed on top of us, the captain decided to call the feds and surrender. In reality it was all a plan to trap Womack. I was unaware of all this till after, but Shepherd Book noticed that there was federal station close by and Womack had not called them. He surmised, correctly it turned out, that Womack was operating illegally and his deal with Tracey was purely for his own profit. It was decided to confront Womack and force him somehow to abandon his quest for Tracey. I get the feeling that killing Womack and his men was not beyond the scope of this plan but it did not come to that."

At that time Kaylee and Tracey had been in her bunk and she was getting the feeling that they had been connecting somewhat. It had been a long while since a man had been in her bunk and even Simon hadn't been there despite being on the ship for so many months. As Kaylee sat on her bed with Tracey she began to have naughty thoughts about him and the explosions of the near missile blasts and the bouncing around of the flight didn't even bother her. Then the ship stopped and he ran up to see what was happening.

"Tracey however was unaware of this plan and overheard only the part about calling the feds. He jumped to conclusions and grabbed one of the guns that Jayne was preparing for the possible upcoming fight. The captain ordered Wash to call the feds and Tracey tried to stop it. All it would have taken was a few seconds to explain to him what the plan was but emotions were running high and Tracey had a gun pointed at Wash. He fired at Wash and the bullet just grazed his forehead. But Zoe's bullet hit true and struck Tracey in the chest. Why he did not die or collapse right away I can only surmise as I did not do an autopsy after. It's possible the bullet struck a rib and went down into his lung or intestines area. Also, the pain of the wound may have been delayed by the shock. Finally, it is also possible that the brand new genetically perfect internal organs he was carrying managed to keep him alive longer than a normal person's would have."

Kaylee had heard the shots and came climbing out of her bunk only to be grabbed by Tracey and become a hostage. The sudden turn of events dazed her. One moment she was feeling all warm and good inside about this handsome stranger and then he had a gun to her head and was dragging her through the ship trying to force her to take him out on a shuttle. The Capt'n, Zoe and Jayne had quickly surrounded him and then the Capt'n shot him again. Later when Kaylee thought on it the Capt'n could have shot him in the arm or knee or somewhere else and maybe Simon could have saved Tracey. But she also felt he wasn't going to take any chances, Tracey holding a gun to her and having already showed his willingness to shoot someone on the crew. Much as she liked Tracey before all that disappeared in an instant, especially as she listened to him rant on about how he knew he could dupe the Capt'n and Zoe.

"I was with River when we heard the shots. I told her to stay put and I ran toward the cargo bay just in time to see Mal shoot Tracey. Kaylee came running down the stairs yelling for me and I ran up the stairs. I saw the blood on her back and asked if she was shot and she told me it was Tracey's blood. I went to him and told them we needed to get to the infirmary but Tracey just lay there and said there was no point, he was busted up inside and was a goner, as he put it. His breathing was a bit labored and he had two closely spaced chest wounds. I felt his pulse and it was very weak and I believed he was suffering from internal bleeding, and perhaps the second bullet grazed his aorta. I tried to pick him up and he screamed in pain and turned very pale. Mal placed a hand on my shoulder and just shook his head and said he'd seen it many times in the war and there was nothing we could do. His super new organs gave him a few more minutes of life as far as I could tell. I'm mystified as to why they all seemed to give up. I still feel I could have saved him or at least should have tried but they just did nothing."

Kaylee had struggled with that too for a while. Simon had saved crew members before, including her, and she was sure he could have done something or at least tried. But the Capt'n and Zoe did nothing, looked at each other and seemed to say he was finished and they were right. Still, it didn't sit right with Kaylee, almost as if they wanted Tracey to die. Maybe.

"Shepherd Book has shown his knowledge of police procedure is more than just superficial. When Womack and his men finally came on board the Shepherd confronted them and told Womack in no uncertain terms that they should forget about Tracey or they'd find themselves dead at the bottom of a canyon. Shepherd even knew where Womack had been stationed and this caused all kinds of raised eyebrows. After Womack had left Jayne even made comment on the Shepherd having former police ties, which the Shepherd did not deny or confirm."

"Tracey died and Mal refused to let me do an autopsy. Jayne even suggested that his undamaged organs could be sold and I really thought Zoe was going to hit him. I treated Wash's wound and prepared Tracey's body so it was clean for his parents. We dressed him in a new shirt Mal donated and placed him back in his coffin. Then we found the village where his parents lived on St. Albans and brought their son home to them. I'm not sure how the captain explained what happened or maybe he didn't, it being best they didn't know that we had been the ones to kill their son. Better that they know he was a good man, and not the man he had became after he had left home."

That was mighty nice of Simon to write that. Kaylee had never asked the Capt'n what was said but she was sure Simon was right.

"During the funeral Kaylee stood next to me and I wanted to say something to her but this was definitely not the right time. I had noticed her looks at Tracey and felt a slight jealousy. Then I found her hand searching for mine and she grasped it and held on tight and I felt her tremble. It made me feel so good in the midst of this tragedy that I felt a little guilty for experiencing this moment of pleasure."

Kaylee had again felt all alone in the verse and there was Simon and all her feelings for him were still there and she knew the events of the last while had been just all a big misunderstanding and silliness on both their parts, hers especially. She wanted to touch someone, to feel alive and he was there and she knew he was feeling bad about what he had said to her. Taking his hand was for her benefit as well as his.

Kaylee closed the journal, her mind and heart full of emotion after reading all that. Tracey was so young, he must have only been a teenager in the war. What had happened to him? How had he turned out so…bad? But weren't they all bad, too? Weren't they all criminals? Kaylee never thought of herself as a criminal. She was just the mechanic. Book certainly wasn't a criminal and Wash never did anything really criminal except in the Skyplex fight and that was a rescue, not a crime, although she's sure he shot a few people. Zoe, Jayne and the Capt'n were without doubt criminals, at least in the eyes of the Alliance, but Kaylee never saw them as such. They were her crewmates, even Jayne despite all his faults. River had killed people, she had seen that, but she was far from being a criminal. Simon, the criminal mastermind. Now he did fit the bill, but the robbery had been all for his sister so she really couldn't count that. Nope, when it came right down to it, they weren't criminals at all. Now, if she could only sell that to an Alliance judge if it ever came to it.

A knock came to the door and Kaylee put back the journal and answered it. It was the Capt'n and he wanted to get on with the mechanical tutoring. Kaylee wanted to ask him what Inara had said about staying but decide to let him tell them himself. She dropped by the infirmary to tell Simon what she was doing. He was standing in the midsts of boxes and vials and bottles and marking things on a clipboard and after a quick smile he distractedly said he'd see her after. A long two hours later she had explained as much as she could to the Capt'n and at least she thought he understood most of it. In the end she agreed to write down some basic steps for certain things.

It was getting toward bedtime so Kaylee got their bedding out of the dry cleaner and made the bed. After, her and River did the final checks for the night and set the ship for sleeping. River was going to sleep on the bridge and she and Kaylee brought a pillow and some blankets up. Being this close to a heavily traveled route made the Capt'n nervous and he wanted her there in case they came a little too close to another ship. It was a small chance but he didn't take chances with the ship, not least since the engine failure that nearly cost them their lives. Simon joined them on the bridge and after making sure River was comfortable they said goodnight.

Back in their room Kaylee sat on the bed as Simon changed his clothes. He noticed she was not getting ready for bed.

"Anything the matter?" he asked.

"Just read about Tracey is all," she replied in a sad voice.

"Oh. And about me and my stupid mouth again."

She smiled a little. "Yeah… robot."

"I guess I deserved that."

"Wasn't feeling too kindly towards you that day."

"I know. You didn't hide it well."

"Never could hide my feelings, you know that."

"One of the many things I love about you."

She put on a big grin then remembered something else. "Were you coming to see me in the engine room to apologize?"

"Yes. You were listening to that recording. Didn't want to interrupt."

"Just got all sad when I heard it. He was so young. Why was he so bad? Thinking he could trick the Capt'n and Zoe, shooting at Wash, taking me hostage…just still makes no sense."

"We don't know anything about him, except what Zoe and Mal knew from the war. We don't know why or how he got involved with that policeman. What was his name?"

"Womack."

"Right. Womack. You know, Shepherd Book seemed to know an awful lot about police matters, didn't he?"

Kaylee looked at him as he sat on the bed next to her just wearing his pajama bottoms. "He was a cop I bet."

"I think so, too" Simon replied.

"Maybe Jayne can find out more when he visits the brothers."

"Yes, but how do we ask Jayne to ask them seeing as we all aren't best friends these days."

Kaylee thought on it. Then she grinned. "I'll ask Zoe and she'll ask him. You now how curious he always was about the Shepherd."

"Maybe he'll decide to stay in the abbey and become a Shepherd himself."

Kaylee looked at him with wide eyes and then the laughter just poured out of the two of them and they spent the next few minutes making jokes about Shepherd Jayne, the priest who'll slap you and shoot you if you don't go to church. They had slept a good part of the afternoon and neither was tired so they stayed up for a while talking more and thinking on what to do the next day. And then Kaylee remembered what he had said about the engine room and he groaned, thinking he could never be able to one more time after so many times earlier in the day and she said not to worry, she would make sure he was up and ready. She grabbed his hand and dragged him upstairs and the ship was quiet and then before long one more of Kaylee's fantasies came true as she had her man all to herself in her favorite part of her favorite ship in the verse.


	13. Chapter 13 Heart of Gold

**The Doctor Tam Journals – Part 13 – Heart of Gold**

After exploring the various ways one could enjoy themselves in a Firefly engine room, Kaylee took mercy on her exhausted husband and the two prepared to return to their room. Kaylee went looking for her clothes as Simon lay back on the hammock in a coma like state. She found her bra hanging from a lever in one corner, her shirt on a pipe, and her pants on the floor next to her shoes. Simon's pajama pants were also there. After dressing they made there way down to their room and Kaylee had a quick wash and changed to her night dress. When she returned to the room Simon was fast asleep.

Kaylee was wired from all the emotions and pleasures of the day and she sat in the desk chair, her heart racing, still shuddering inside, remembering the touch of her man, the feel of the metal, the smell of the grease and oil. Her first time had been in her father's factory, in a machine repair shop, with a boy who worked there. He had been 17, she 15 and she had wanted to do it so badly. Almost all her friends had done it and she wanted to know what she was missing. He took no persuading and their passionate kisses soon led to a pile of clothes on the floor and Kaylee leaning against a work bench. It had been fast and slightly painful but also pleasurable and he had no trouble doing it one more time before his lunch hour was over. The second time was much better and Kaylee experienced her sexual awakening at the hands of a man. Since that day the touch of metal, the feel of oil and the smell of grease were associated with pleasure. Being a mechanic was the perfect job in the verse.

The whole day had been wonderful and she was sure she would have killed Simon if she had tried to make him do it one more time. Sometimes Kaylee wanted to do nothing but lie in a bed all day and have sex but on Serenity those days were so rare. She envied Inara at times, the glamour, the clothes, the training she had to teach her all the ways to love and be loved. And she got paid! Not for the first time Kaylee thought about being a Companion. Then the more she thought about it the more she realized she wouldn't have sex with just any man. Inara got to pick and choose her clients but she was lucky. She had a high reputation as a Companion and could be choosy. Not so those unlucky to be labeled "whores".

A flood of memories came back then, of a solar sheeted house on a small moon, of Simon trying to deliver a baby, of gunshots in the cargo bay, and a funeral of Inara's friend, one of many Kaylee had been to in the last half year. Kaylee picked up the journal and flipped through the pages to the spot she had left off.

"Several days have passed since the funeral on St. Albans. Kaylee and I seemed to have been avoiding each other the last few days, unsure where to go from here. Finally, she approached me in the infirmary this afternoon and we talked on Tracey and apologized to each other for what had happened. It was entirely my fault for what I had said to her. She fills my dreams, day and night and I can't help but know I am in love with her. If only I knew how she felt. I know she likes me and is attracted to me, but I fear the consequences if I push her before she is ready to have a relationship. My body aches for her but I need it to be more than that. If I take this step with her she must understand the dangers and the trials ahead."

Despite all they had been through together all his worries and fears were still preventing him from taking that next step. Those worries and fears had not disappeared and maybe never would. She looked at her husband, sleeping peacefully, and wondered what the days and weeks and months ahead would bring. She knew of the dangers, said her marriage vows knowing full well she could be signing up for a life on the run, with danger at every turn, but she gladly did so, not caring as long as she could be with him.

"We've done a few small jobs in the St. Albans area, not very profitable, as the captain often grumbles about, but it is work still the same. Wash's bullet wound has healed and his vision has not been affected by it. River is more and more like the sister I remember every day. Her psychotic episodes have almost completely disappeared but she still talks in cryptic terms sometimes and it drives the rest of the crew mad. Jayne has not had a mean word for us nor said a word about us getting off Serenity since his accident on Bellerophon. I guess he has come to terms with the fact that we know he sold us out on Ariel and would perhaps use that against him if he causes us any more trouble. I dislike him intensely but would not do anything to cause rancor among the crew unless Jayne forced me to so."

Kaylee had no such qualms about telling Jayne's secret. She still felt Simon should have told them, all of them, a long time ago. It was out now but the sting was still there. More days were filled with notes, about the little things, more about River and the crew and her of course. She read it all, and smiled a few times as she recalled something funny or something nice had happened, like the time when she and Simon sat on the bridge and saw the mesmerizing display of a nebula in the far distance.

"My mind is exhausted as I write these words and may have to continue tomorrow. We have been involved in a brutal gunfight and I have just spent almost 24 hours without sleep, first delivering a baby and then fighting to save the lives of several wounded people. Time for bed."

There it was, the fight for the whore house. Maybe that wasn't quite right. It was a fight for a woman's right to choose to have and keep her baby. Kaylee looked at the packet of green birth prevention pills with the unused one from that morning still lying on top. Of course she had talked with Simon about that but ultimately taking or not taking them was her choice. A woman had the right to choose and no one could say otherwise. But that man, Burgess, he had wanted to have the baby all for himself. Because she was a whore, Petaline had no rights in his eyes. And that didn't sit well with the Capt'n.

Simon had stayed up an awful long time and when the fight was finally over they moved Serenity closer to the house and Simon worked throughout the day in the infirmary, treating the wounded from the fight, with one or two of the crew at his side, helping as much as they could. But he did it all and he save all who weren't dead already. But nothing could save Nandi.

"This morning we had a funeral for those who died in the fight yesterday. I guess I better start at the beginning. Once again Captain Reynolds' sense of duty and honor has come forth as we defended a group of people with hardly any connection to us. A few days ago Inara received a wave from a former Companion, a friend of hers, Nandi, who now operates a house of independent ladies who ply the sex trade. The captain called them whores and Inara did not disagree but that term is a tad too vulgar to describe these ladies I have recently met and cared for. The twists and turns in life that brought them to this place and station in life are unknown but we should not judge them based on their profession."

Simon had a way with words, that was for sure, and his sense of honor did not allow him to call them whores, even though that's what they were. Come to think of it he hardly looked at any of those ladies, except Petaline as she was giving birth. Jayne even joked that maybe Simon was sly but Kaylee definitely knew that wasn't true. He was just wound too tight. If he had the time he could have had one of the girls. Then again maybe he didn't cause she was there and he didn't want to do so in front of her. Maybe he just thought it was beneath his Osirian social standing to truck with whores.

"We found the Heart of Gold bordello in a barren patch near a small town on a small moon. It was covered in metal sheeting which Kaylee said was for solar power. This far out they had no access to any public utilities if there were such a thing. We meet Nandi the house mistress and then I was introduced to Petaline, a young lady was about to have a baby. It seems the whole reason they needed our help was because a local man of importance, Lance Burgess, claimed that the baby Petaline carried was his and he was going to take the child away from its mother"

"Just before I was introduced to the expectant mother, Kaylee made a comment specifically for my ears, I'm sure. There were several young men employed in the bordello, most likely for homosexual male customers, and she wondered whether they serviced women. Wash asked if she would pay to have sex and she replied that no one else was lining up to 'examine her', which was for my benefit. I was quite embarrassed by the whole thing and pretended like I didn't know what she was talking about while at the same time felt jealous again, worried that she might just decide to sleep with one of those men."

Oh, he was so….honorable! Of course, those words had been for him and of course she was trying to make him jealous! Not that she wanted to pay for sex and lie with a strange man who had been with lots of other strange…men, most likely. Not exactly what Kaylee had in mind when it came to sex. But she had been so lonely and had gone so long without the touch of a man that it was awful tempting. Wash had made her feel better by telling her she was pretty and he'd take her in an instant if he weren't married. She knew he wasn't serious but it was till nice to hear. And Kaylee felt that tug of sadness again when reading or thinking about Wash or Book. Sometimes when she read Simon's journal it felt like they were still here.

"Jayne was instantly in line to take payment for the job we hadn't done yet and the last I saw of him he was heading to the upper level to where I'm sure the bedrooms were. The rest of the day I spent examining Petaline and making sure her baby was fine. Mal and Inara went to the town to meet this man Burgess, to size him up as the captain said. When they returned he called a meeting and said we should all leave, including Nandi and her people. She refused and her reasons were sound, seeing as she had worked hard to build her business. Unfortunately this decision cost her her life."

"At this point Petaline went into labor and I missed much of the rest of the action. As the rest of the crew and Nandi's people prepared our defense for the coming fight, Inara and I looked to Petaline and her baby. I asked River to stay close by me and she was more than willing, being intensely interested in the whole concept of pregnancy and childbirth. River was always very curious about many things so I was not surprised."

Kaylee now wished she had been there, too. She had never seen a child being born and now that she was seriously getting ready for motherhood she want to know as much as she could. Guess it was time to log on to the Cortex and learn it all.

"Night came and still the baby had not come. Inara and I stayed by Petaline's side through the night. River managed to get some sleep on a nearby chair but she wasn't very comfortable. I had had limited experience in delivering children, as I confessed to Inara, but I knew all the basics and had assisted in several births. The labor was longer than normal but with each birth one never knows what will happen. The crew all went off to stand watch or get some sleep. I saw them briefly at breakfast the next morning but I did not see them again until the fight was over.'

That night Kaylee stood watch for a few hours, struggling to stay awake, until Shepherd Book came and relieved her. She had found an empty bed and crawled in and passed out right away. Zoe woke her just before dawn and the two went to the kitchen to help prepare breakfast. They had fried eggs and potatoes, toast and jam, lots of coffee and tea. The Capt'n had entered and seemed a little disturbed by something. Simon had also come in for coffee. He was frazzled, red eyed, and clearly exhausted. Kaylee had been preparing a cup of coffee for the Capt'n but when she saw Simon she instantly handed it to him. Simon had asked how everyone had slept and Kaylee had told him she had slept fine and it been just her, all alone. Everyone stopped talking when she said this and looked at the two of them. Kaylee knew they knew she said this for Simon and all he did was say that he was glad she slept well. Then Inara had come in and said the baby was about to come so they rushed off.

"The fight happened just after dawn. We were placed at the rear of the house in an area as far from danger as possible. The baby was born in the midst of gunfire, screams and curses and I hope this was not an omen for his life to come. He was a healthy boy and after we cleaned him up I prepared to hand him to his mother when Burgess burst into the room. He held a laser to my head and I had no choice but to hand him the baby."

Held a laser to his head. Kaylee had never heard that part before. And River and Inara and Petaline were in the room. Simon had no choice that was for sure. Burgess would have killed them all and taken the baby just the same.

"As he turned to leave, in an instance Inara was on him with a knife to his throat. One of the ladies took the baby away from him, but then he knocked down Inara and then killed Nandi at the same time with a laser blast. I came out of the bedroom just as I saw Mal chase off after Burgess. A quick examination of Nandi revealed that the laser had cut clean…."

Oh, no! More ways to die! Guns, beatings, knife wounds, and now lasers. Kaylee couldn't stand to read it and skipped ahead.

"The gunfire died down and I came out to see what assistance I could render. Jayne and Zoe were worried on why Serenity had not taken off to help us and then I feared the worst for Kaylee. They raced off to the ship and after some time returned with three prisoners. Kaylee and Wash were fine and it was with a sense of relief that I saw her."

They had had an adventure of their own on Serenity, of the kind Kaylee'd not soon repeat. Guns and terror went hand in hand for her and again she had someone shooting at her and she couldn't fight back. After they entered the ship Kaylee sensed something was wrong. She was not sure why but it was just a gut feeling like something was out of place. Then she looked up and saw three men pointing weapons at them from the catwalk. She had dragged Wash down just in time. They managed to get out of the cargo bay and climbed the rear stairway to the engine room.

Wash had a plan, which didn't go quite as well as he'd hoped. While Kaylee hid in the dining room lounge behind a sofa Wash closed the door to the aft stairway. The three men came into the dining room and Kaylee had an extreme moment of heart pounding terror as she feared they would see her. She cursed Wash and his stupid plan under breath. But then he drew their attention away and they chased after him toward the engine room. Kaylee had leapt up and shut the aft corridor door as Wash closed the engine room door. Now the flaw in their plan became obvious: how could Wash fly the ship if he was in the engine room?

The men had shot at them but the steel doors protected them. They had also tried to open the door leading down to the aft stairway but Wash had jammed it closed somehow. After about twenty minutes Jayne and Zoe had come in and Zoe convinced the three men that they had lost the fight and they laid down arms. They returned to the house, Kaylee worried about her friends and was glad to see all were well. Then came a shocking moment as Petaline executed Burgess.

"I don't think any of us was prepared to see Petaline execute the father of her child. No one tried to stop her and no one really blamed her but it was shocking still the same. After, I asked Wash to land the ship close to the house so we wouldn't have to move the wounded. I set to work and found the Heart of Gold had lost three dead, including Nandi and had five wounded. Burgess was dead as were six of his men. Seven were wounded and I managed to save them all, even one with a chest wound. Their families came to collect the dead and wounded and even took the badly wounded man despite my protests. A doctor with them claimed they had adequate facilities to care for the wounded. The Heart of Gold wounded refused to go to the town hospital, claiming it was a cesspool where they would surely die, if not from their wounds then from the hands of the townsfolk."

All had praise Simon and the work he did and when it was finished the Capt'n ordered him to get to bed. Kaylee had looked in on him and he hadn't even bothered to take off his clothes or shoes. She gently removed his shoes and covered him with a blanket. As she stood looking down on him she couldn't help herself and gave him a kiss on the forehead, from her and all those he had helped. He had stirred a bit but did not wake up.

"The funeral had been a sad affair as they all are and this more so as Nandi had been a close friend of Inara's. I hope going to funerals does not become a habit on Serenity. Two in as many weeks is enough for me."

Funerals. Her mother's, Tracey's, Nandi's, Wash, Book, Mr. Universe, the last ones all in the last six months. She didn't want to think on who would be next.

Kaylee looked at the clock and saw it was almost 12 am. She put down the journal and stretched and a yawn escaped her mouth. It had been a long day and the sad thoughts she had reading the journal did not last long as she recalled all she had done this day. Kaylee had had more sex this day than in any she could recall in a long time. Her body felt alive and wanted and as she crawled into bed she snuggled close to her man and let waves of sleep wash over her mind.

"Kaylee, Kaylee". She heard the voice come from far away and thought she was still dreaming for a moment. Then she opened her eyes a crack and saw River staying over her and instantly Kaylee was awake. Simon hugged her tighter, murmured something in her ear and kissed her.

"Ah, honey, we're not alone."

"Tell them to go away," he mumbled and then he slowly opened his eyes and realized where they were also and that his sister was standing next to their bed.

"River, what are you doing here?" he said in mild surprise, his voice still heavy with sleep.

"My job. You'd better get up. Were landing soon and captain is already awake," River said and then she walked out.

"Oh, is it time already?" said Simon as he looked up at the clock on the wall.. It said 5:30 am, ship's time. "5:30? Bit early for landing, isn't it?"

"New coordinates," Kaylee replied as she climbed out of bed. "Remember?"

"Now I do." Before they had left River last night she told them the new landing time was around 6am. After she used the washroom, Kaylee made her way up to the bridge as Simon took time to wash, shave and get dressed.

River and Mal were on the bridge in the two pilot's seats, with the huge bulk of Persephone filling the window, the planet mostly dark as they approached its night side, a few lights twinkling below the only signs of life. She hesitated as she came up the stairs, looking at her Capt'n, his profile outlined in the glow of the cockpit lights, listening to his quiet words of command to River, getting a lump in her throat as she wondered if she'd ever see this scene again. He turned and smiled at her and she couldn't help but smile back as she came onto the flight deck.

"Morning Capt'n. How long till landfall?" Kaylee said, her voice constricted, just a little too tight from the emotions flooding her heart.

"Morning, little Kaylee," Mal answered, not noticing anything wrong with her. "About 20 minutes. Prepare for landing."

"Yes, Capt'n," she replied and turned immediately for the exit to head to the engine room. Landings were routine for Serenity and her crew, seeing as that was the business they were in, jumping from planet to planet, moon to moon, but ever since the landing at Mr. Universe's complex, nothing would ever seem routine again. As Kaylee made her way aft, the Capt'n's voice came over the loud speaker.

"This is the captain. All crew prepare for landing. Repeat, all crew prepare for landing,"

"Didn't know it was so soon," Simon said as he met Kaylee in the dinning room. The two made their way aft to the engine room, it being their landing station, Kaylee to set the power and look after things, Simon to stand by to fight fire if need be. They saw Jayne groggily make his way out of his bunk and head down to the cargo hold. His job was to secure all cargo there. Kaylee was sure he had done so last night but he was double checking to make sure. Zoe's job was to be on the bridge to carry out any orders the Capt'n had and they saw her head from her bunk, dressed and awake, and go up to the bridge. Inara was to stay in her shuttle and be ready for an emergency evacuation if it came to that. As a last resort, if things fell to pieces, they would all rush to her shuttle and separate from the ship if possible. It was not a perfect plan and any one of a thousand things could go wrong but the Capt'n preferred having this plan than none at all.

"Gravity off," came the Capt'n's order over the intercom.

Kaylee switched off the artificial gravity ring and she could feel the ship responding to Persephone's gravity. That part always made first timers a little queasy, switching from ship's gravity to planet side, but the crew were old hats at this, even Simon and River now. This landing was as bumpy as usual and the ship bucked and bounced as they hit atmo. Things got a little steamy inside as the temperatures rose but then they were through the hard part and the ride became smoother.

The whirl and wine of the landing gear came to Kaylee's ears next and she knew they would land soon. Simon always said he could never hear them come down but she knew, knew every sound on the ship, and was missing the old gal already. The ship paused in midair as River coasted them in and then they stopped completely as the ship gently touched ground. As they settled down, Kaylee pulled the engine power levers back to idle, turning their radiation core main engine down a few notches. River controlled the VTOL engines from the bridge and soon Kaylee heard them whine down to a stop. The main engine was needed to maintain electrical and other support functions on the ground but Kaylee always kept it set for immediate take off. The Alliance was out there, looking for them, and they never knew what surprise lay in store on every landing.

Kaylee stayed in the engine room and River on the bridge as the others armed themselves and scouted the ground. After a long wait Simon returned and said all was secure.

They met River and the three went downstairs and outside with the others. It was near dawn and the first fingers of a new day were poking over the horizon. It was hard to see but Kaylee noticed lots of trees and stretched and breathe the fresh air of Persephone. Ships air was recycled and scrubbed clean of carbon dioxide, with its moisture removed for the little water recycling they could do, so it had a stale, dry quality to it. Fresh air was always a boon for the crew and they all stood and enjoyed it, breathing deeply. The Capt'n, Jayne, and Zoe were still armed but Kaylee felt no danger was near in this serene setting. As it became lighter Kaylee could see they were in a clearing in a forest with a dirt road leading to it

"The last landing," Kaylee said quietly and then she almost began to cry. Simon put his arm around her and they watched a beautiful sunrise, no one saying a word, feeling the warmth of the star's golden rays on their faces. Mal held Inara's hand and she leaned on him letting her head rest on his shoulder. Jayne sauntered over to a grassy patch and pick up a blade and put in his teeth as Zoe walked toward the road, eyes wary, looking at every tree, then up the road. River just stood and stretched her arms, enjoying the air and sunshine.

"Got time for a quick breakfast before Harrow gets here," Mal said and then he looked to Kaylee. "Love to have one of your omelets."

"Sure thing, Capt'n."

"Jayne, get some onions and tomatoes for the omelets and slabs of ham and bacon from the cargo. Harrow won't miss it and if he does he can take it out of my cut."

"Shiny," Jayne replied as he went up the cargo bay ramp and made his way to the piles of crates and boxes, grinning as he pulled out his big knife.

The breakfast was magnificent; Kaylee's omelets and the ham and bacon a big hit, and soon all were sated and felt good about the prospects of a nice pay day. Jayne babbled on about how he was going to have the biggest steak and biggest woman he could find in Persephone. Zoe wanted to go find Badger and give him something to remember for their Sturges troubles but Mal put an end to that talk.

Sir Warrick Harrow of the red sash and several men with two trucks showed up just as they made their way back to the cargo hold. Mal and Inara went out to meet them and pleasantries were exchanged. Soon after and the crew and Harrow's men began to unload the cargo as Harrow and Mal went over the manifest together. Kaylee and Simon pitched it with the unloading and it took about an hour to complete it. Harrow had set up an electronic scale and weighed and counted all the cargo, making many notes on the manifest.

After all the cargo was loaded, Harrow told his men to wait, and then he took one of the finest bottles of brandy from a box and asked the crew to join him in a drink. They all made their way to the dinning room on Serenity, sat at the table as Kaylee and Inara brought out glasses. Harrow poured drinks for all and then raised his glass a little and they all drank. The brandy was warm and fiery as it went down Kaylee's throat and she felt its immediate effects.

Harrow looked around the dinning room. "Few items were short weight or missing Captain Reynolds. I take it some of my cargo managed to find its way into your kitchen during the voyage."

"Awful temptation," replied Mal. "Kept them away from the liquor if that's any compensation."

"Well, it doesn't seem like too much is missing. I guess we can call it a full load delivered."

"Much obliged"

Harrow pulled out a thick envelope and handed it to Mal and all the crew put on big smiles as they eyed the big pay day they were expecting. "You know Captain Reynolds, you have quite a reputation on Persephone now. Atherton Wing has sworn revenge, claiming you beat him unfairly."

"I never won a fair fight in my life. Guess I shoulda killed him."

Inara grew a little worried. "Does he know we've returned?"

"No, he is unaware of your whereabouts. Another old acquaintance of yours, Mr. Badger is also on the look out for you, claims you left him in an embarrassing position last time you were here."

"Any trouble he had with us he brought on himself," Mal replied.

"The quarrels amongst thieves are not my concern. You once again have kept your word and delivered my goods. I have another job for you in a few days time."

"Not cows again I hope?'

"No. Something more profitable. Now about this inspection you are wanting. The inspector will be here first thing tomorrow morning. But there's one conundrum. Seems he said the only way to get a proper inspection sticker is to change the name of the ship."

The news stunned them all a little, Mal especially, and all went silent as they watched the captain, waiting for his answer.

"Tell him to come anyway, look over my boat. Just to make sure we're safe. Can't say right now if I agree to what he says. Got a lot invested in that there name."

Harrow put his glass down. "I understand. It makes no difference to me if you are legitimate or not, nor to a lot of others. An alliance patrol stops you, however,…"

"Us being illegal be least of our problems."

"Yes. I heard about the Tam siblings."

Everyone looked at Harrow in surprised and couldn't help but look toward Simon and River. Kaylee felt her blood draining away from her face, and her voice trembled as she couldn't stay quiet anymore. "Sorry, sir, but what did you hear?"

"Badger claims this young man here and this young lady," he began pointing to Simon and River. "Are wanted fugitives. He had their pictures on wanted notices. Said if I was to do business with you he'd give me half the reward if I told him where we were meeting."

Kaylee turned pale. "You didn't tell him…?"

"Not to worry, the Tam reward is but a trifling compared to my regular business. Besides, wouldn't want you as an enemy Captain Reynolds."

"No, that wouldn't be too wise," said Mal as he eyed Harrow.

Jayne snorted. "Tell Badger I got a bullet with his name on it."

"Not if I get to him first," said Zoe.

Simon finished his drink and looked to Harrow. "Sir Warrick, how long ago did Badger mention us?"

"Last week. Despite my distaste for the man, he does have contacts I need on occasion."

"Last week," said Kaylee in a quiet voice and she held Simon's hand tight.

"Was their any mention of Serenity on the wanted notices?" Mal asked.

"No, no mention of Serenity. Just the Tam's pictures, names, and particulars."

Harrow finished his drink and Mal and Inara showed him off the ship. After they returned Mal counted the money and began to divide it for the ship's needs and the crew's pay. Jayne was first in line as Mal handed him a thick stack of bills. He went off to his bunk whistling a tune, the happiest merc in the verse. Zoe received her share and went off to prepare shuttle two for a cargo run to the Eavesdown Docks. Then he paid Simon, Kaylee and River but they didn't even count it, all three very worried.

"Should be enough to see you where you're going and start a new life," was all he said.

Inara was worried also. "You should stay with us."

"Us?" Kaylee perked up. "You're staying?"

"Yes. I decided yesterday. I'm no longer going to be a Companion."

"That's nice," was all she could think to say and then felt it was all wrong, everything. "Oh, I didn't mean it that way. You know I'm, we're happy for the two of you. Just hearing the Alliance…"

"We thought they might have forgotten about us," Simon concluded her thought.

Mal looked at Simon. "Doc, I ain't one to stop a man from doing what needs doing, less he's in my way. I respect what you want to do for your wife and sister. No need to tell you we ain't in the safest business in the verse. You know you are all welcome to stay and I sure as hell could use you. Now with this news the Alliance is still looking for you, be best thing to do. I give you to sundown to change your mind and then I gotta put the word out for new crew."

Simon slowly looked to Kaylee and then River to judge their reactions. River was calm as she often was these days and Kaylee was a nervous wreck, all her worries coming to life. But she nodded to Simon and she could sense him get courage from this.

"Captain, ah, Mal, I will give you my answer now. My decision is final as far as I am concerned. I am grateful for all you and the crew of Serenity have done for us. We've been more than enough trouble...and I don't wish to bring any more to you. The Alliance is looking for us, not you. But as long as we are on Serenity we will always represent a danger to you and the ship. It's time for us to leave."

All were quiet waiting for Mal to reply. "Don't know they leave us alone or not even if you are gone. Wanted posters or not, they know this ship. They find you somewhere on some rock you'll have no protection, no guns to look out for you. You think on that?"

"I have. But it's a chance we are willing to take, if it means we can have a home, a family, some peace."

"I've killed" said River, her voice surprising them because she had been so quiet. Kaylee and the others looked to River. "Three of Niska's men, maybe someone in that bar, uncounted Reavers. Others I don't know and can't remember."

"River, why are you telling us this?" asked Simon very gently.

"Because I will be there. With you. I will protect you and Kaylee and any children. And no one needs to worry."

Mal couldn't help but smile, "No, guess don't have to worry too much on you all with River there."

Kaylee felt like it was going to be all right now and she looked to her Capt'n and found her voice and quietly said what she had to say.

"We'll leave tomorrow, after the inspection is done. Shuttle take us to the docks. We'll get passage to where were going." She gulped as she said this last, hardly looking him in the eye.

Mal was quiet and stared at the table. Inara reached out and squeezed his hand. "Gonna miss you something fierce, little Kaylee," he finally said in a choked voice and rose and left toward the bridge before he lost control of his emotions. Kaylee felt a flood of tears come over her and then Inara was at her side and they hugged and cried as Simon and River silently sat by.


	14. Chapter 14 Objects in Space

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 14 – Objects in Space**

The dining area was silent except for the soft sounds of sorrow coming from Inara and Kaylee. "I'm sorry," Simon said at last, as Kaylee and Inara fought to control their feelings. 'I knew this was going to be hard, but not this hard. It's all my fault."

Kaylee sniffled and wiped away her tears. "Oh, I've done too much crying the last few days. No, Simon, it's not your fault. It's got to be done."

Inara wiped her eyes also, trying to regain her composure. "It's always the hardest when things change. Especially when people leave."

"We'll always be here," said River, placing her hand over her heart.

Inara smiled. "And in here," she said looking around the dining room. "I remember almost everything about the day you first came on board Simon. Of course, we didn't know you had brought your sister along for the ride."

"Neither did I," said River and they all smiled a little at that.

"I'll never forget," said Kaylee. "And when you came Inara. And Jayne and Book. I've been here a long time."

Simon reached out and took his wife's hand. "Kaylee, we've talked on this and we've made a decision but that can be changed."

She shook her head. "No, it's time. A new life is waiting for us out there."

He nodded and then River stood, looked at her sister-in-law and said, "Let's go to work."

The rest of the day River and Kaylee spent climbing all over Serenity's hull, checking the rivets and welds, making sure all was in top shape. They clipped lifelines where they could to keep themselves from falling down and used a metal ladder to inspect the VTOL engines. Kaylee grumbled that they could do a better job in a shipyard but there was no way they could go to the Eavesdown Docks, not with Badger and who knows who else knowing Simon and River were wanted fugitives.

Shortly after they began the hull inspection, shuttle two took off with Jayne and Zoe on board, to get supplies and pick up what news they could. Kaylee and River watched it heading off toward the west, toward the docks. Next Kaylee and River inspected the VTOL engines. They were designed for operations in space and atmo. The main engine was nuclear powered but the VTOL's required a high grade fuel mixture that could burn in atmo and in the vacuum of space. For atmo the VTOL's acted as jets and sucked in air which mixed with the fuel and burned, while in space they acted as rockets and burned the fuel without an air component. It was something invented centuries ago and had changed little since. They could soar through space endlessly on their main engine, but the VTOLS were necessary for inter atmo flight, take off and landing and an occasional boost in space.

After a while, as Kaylee was working on the left VTOL and River had gone inside to get some tools, the Capt'n and Inara came out of the cargo bay and Kaylee could see them talking about something but she couldn't quite hear them. Kaylee edged closer so she could hear but still kept herself hidden by the engine. Then their voices got louder.

"Simon's right and you know it. It's time to think of the future," Inara said.

"And what am I going to do?" the Capt'n replied. "They got me boxed in, Inara, Alliance does. I'm a known criminal, a wanted man as much as Simon and River. They don't have wanted posters out yet but my name and my boat's name are in their system. I got no choices."

"You always have choices."

"Maybe I just like being a rogue pirate. Maybe I enjoy this life style."

"You can't fool me Malcolm Reynolds. You're not a criminal. You're a noble decent man who fights for the weak and helps the lost. Why did you keep Simon and River on board all these months?"

"Needed a medic," he said without conviction.

"Yes we did, but that's not why. You couldn't live with yourself if you had let them go, two lost souls vulnerable as they were in the beginning. Many chances you had, too, to be rid of them forever. On Jiangyin they were as good as gone and you went back for them. On Ariel, also. I know you didn't go back for Jayne. I also know what happened at the Maidenhead bar. You could have left River. Walked away. But it's not your way."

"Shepherd Book said that to me once," he said more quietly and Kaylee strained to hear him.

"He was right. And now our little family is breaking up and it's tearing you up inside. The next day is going to be hard for all of us, but especially for Kaylee. Don't blame her for wanting a better life and don't blame Simon for taking Kaylee away. You see the good that Simon has done for her. She loves him so much and he loves her."

Kaylee almost gasped as she said this and felt a lump growing in her throat as she kept telling herself she wasn't going to cry again.

"Guess I'm being selfish," said the Capt'n.

"No, not selfish. We hate to lose the things we love. We all love Kaylee and Serenity needs her. But she needs more than that. So do I. Not now, but in the future. You want me to stay, I'll stay. But this life is not going to satisfy me forever, even if I'm with you. Everything Kaylee said holds true for me also."

He just stared at her and nodded. "I knew you was gonna talk on that. Didn't expect it so soon."

"I'm not asking for much Mal. Just a decent life without fear and danger. We have time to think on lots of things and make plans."

"Man said to me once, 'don't let the crew run the boat'. I'm getting the feeling I'm not captain on my own boat anymore."

"You know that will never be true. But it's time for change. Even you can see that."

"Can't deny the truth of what you're saying. Just don't like it."

Inara said nothing and just reached out and took his hands. "I'm not asking you to decide anything at this moment. I'm going to prepare lunch now. Be ready in a bit"

He just nodded as Inara kissed him on the cheek and she went back in the ship.

Mal stood all alone, staring off into the distance. Kaylee quietly approached him.

"Capt'n?"

"Bwahhh," he said with a start. "Oh, Kaylee, just, ah, don't be sneaking up on a man contemplating, well, just contemplating."

"Sorry. Like to talk on something."

"Course. Say your piece."

"We're leaving, that's for sure. Simon's asked me twice now if I want to change my mind and twice I said no. I figured he ain't gonna ask again and I don't want him to since my mind is made up."

"Then that's it. Can't say I'm happy, cause I ain't."

"I ain't all that happy either. Got a lot of good memories from these last four years. Got some bad ones too, guess we all do. Was proud to be on your boat. I love her like I love her crew. But it's not enough and its time for the next part of my life. I know I'm leaving you in a tough spot. Just want no hard feelings between us.'

He was genuinely shocked. "Kaylee, I never had a bad thought about you, ever. Had many for Jayne, few for Wash and Zoe, and lord knows Simon and I had our differences, not to mention my ups and downs with Inara. But you know I ain't and never will have a bad thought about you."

He reached out and hugged her and she felt warm and safe in his arms.

"We going to Boros," she finally said, thinking it was time to tell him.

They separated and he looked at her. "Boros is it? Good place, nice climate, farms, small towns, few Alliance. Smart call."

"Simon's idea. Was his plan from the beginning, all those months ago."

"Yeah. Doc's good at planning."

"Capt'n? Don't want anything bad to happen to you or Zoe or Inara. Even Jayne. Maybe Harrow is right. Maybe should change the name of the ship. She'll always be Serenity, you know that. Just, be safer, and you could get steadier work, be able to fool Alliance patrols maybe."

He looked past her and at the side of the ship up to where the big logo with the ship's name was. And then his gaze fell down and he looked at his mechanic and then he smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Let me think on it a spell and put it to the crew. Time for lunch."

They met River on the way in and Kaylee told her it was time for a break. Simon and Inara were already in the dining area preparing for lunch. They sat and had a pleasant meal, with small talk on how they would spend their pay. Kaylee mentioned their need for luggage and Inara offered Kaylee one of her suitcases, saying she wasn't leaving anytime soon. Just as they were finishing up they could hear the radio from the bridge. Mal and River made their way forward as Simon and Kaylee cleaned up the lunch dishes.

"Shuttle's back," said Mal as he and River returned to the dining area. The whole crew made their way to the shuttle and greeted Zoe and Jayne and helped them unload the new supplies. Simon took charge of the medical stores and he and Kaylee brought them to the infirmary as the others unloaded the food and other things they had brought. Kaylee worried as both Jayne and Zoe seemed subdued and didn't say much about their trip. After such a big payday that was mighty strange indeed. Kaylee knew something was up. When she and Simon returned to the dining area, everyone was real quiet as Jayne and Zoe ate lunch. Kaylee and Simon sat and Kaylee felt their eyes on them.

"What's going on?" she finally asked when no one spoke.

"You best tell them Zoe," said Mal.

Zoe looked from her to Simon and then to River. "Wanted posters are out all right. Seen more than one. We even took one as a souvenir."

Jayne reached into his pocket and took out a large folded piece of paper and handed it across the table to Simon.

As he spread it out on the table Kaylee could see it was a wanted poster and gasped in surprise. "This can't be!"

Below their pictures was the information that shocked Kaylee.

Wanted – Simon Tam and River Tam. Award: 400,000 credits. Crimes: Simon Tam – Breaking Into and Entering a Government Facility; Assault on Federal Personnel; Aiding an Escaped Fugitive; Broadcasting Anti-Government Propaganda. River Tam: Escaping from Incarceration; Murder; Broadcasting Anti-Government Propaganda.

What followed were the details of their age, height, weight and so on. Included was a warning that River was highly dangerous and trained in the use of self-defense techniques and weaponry.

"Murder? For River?" Simon said in shock.

"The Maidenhead," said River quietly. "I think I killed someone there."

"Most likely," said Mal. "The anti-government propaganda part is new also. Guess they mean us broadcasting about Miranda. What interested me more was that first part about you Simon. Breaking into and entering a government facility. Care to enlighten us?"

Simon looked at River and then to Kaylee and she nodded.

"Well, captain, I haven't been exactly truthful about how River got out of that facility. I was the one who entered and broke her out."

There was a stunned moment. Jayne looked at him in disbelief.

"No way. You said you paid someone else to do it."

Mal was also a bit surprised. "Seems we did have a talk on this. You said you contacted some underground group and they got River out."

"I did and they helped and I paid them but..."

"It was Simon," said River quietly, interrupting her brother. "He knocked out the guards and doctors and we escaped up a laser guarded airshaft into a waiting shuttle."

"Which a member of the underground was flying," Simon concluded.

"Knocked out guards?" said Zoe in wonder.

"I took them by surprise. I was disguised as a government offical, supposedly inspecting their facility," explained Simon.

"Its all true," said Kaylee. "Simon told me. After we got married." Well, the last part was a little lie but she had learned about after they got married, just not right away.

Mal nodded. "Man wouldn't lie about thing like that and the government sure thinks you were there. Makes no difference. Big picture is Alliance is still after you and us too most likely.

Kaylee looked over the poster again quickly. "There's nothing about the rest of us or Serenity."

"No, but you bet every Alliance policeman and patrol ship knows about Serenity and all of us," began Mal. "That poster is for public consumption, to beat the bushes, get someone to talk and try to collect themselves a reward."

Without realizing it everyone caught themselves looking toward Jayne. "What? I ain't that stupid. But 400,000 make a lot of folk recall your pretty pictures and names."

Simon couldn't help but agree. "It's a fortune for most people out here."

Zoe nodded. "He's right. You couldn't walk down a street anywhere here without someone spotting you in five seconds. We also asked around about Badger."

Jayne took up the story. "Had a drink in a bar, met a fella said he was a bounty hunter, looking for a guy name a Malcolm Reynolds. Said Badger was the one hired him."

Inara was almost pale with worry. "Let's leave. Now."

Mal gave her a reassuring touch on her arm and spoke softly, to Inara more than the others. "Ain't the first time someone tired to kill me, Badger included. Or you all don't think he knew Dobson was waiting for us up at Sturges?"

"Sure he did, sir," said Zoe. "Bet he was well paid for sending us there, too. Must have known Dobson's plan failed and were still roaming the verse. Guess Badger figures he'd kill you before you kill him,".

"What else you find out, Jayne?' asked Mal.

"He's set up again, brand new set of thugs, not the pretty kind like we ended last time."

"Anyone recognize you two?" Simon asked.

"Can't say," said Zoe. "We kept a low profile but never know who works for who."

Mal stood and paced and then leaned on his chair as everyone looked at him.

"How we fixed for fuel?" he asked River.

"Three quarters down. Enough to take off and make a landing on a moon or two nearby but that's all."

"Right. First priority is fueling up. Station near Stellerton, about hour's flight from here. River, get her fired up."

"Aye, Captain," and River parted for the bridge.

"We running, sir?" Zoe asked, an "I don't like this" cast to her question.

"Persephone not the most welcome place for us no more. Badger will have his day, but not today. We got a good pay day and I had hopes to spend some of it before I said goodbye to this verse. And I gotta see my three crewmates started on their new life. And I got…."

He looked to Inara and smiled at her.

"…more than that to consider these days."

Kaylee saw the sparks flying between them as he said this, Inara's blushing overcoming her worries of a short time ago. She was glad for them and hoped all would be right with them. She also felt it was time to speak up about something that would be painful. "Capt'n. What about the inspection and the ….name change?"

"I'll get word to Harrow. Do it another day. As for the name change, still pondering that."

"Hell, it's just a name," said Jayne off handedly.

Zoe gave him one of her dirtiest looks. "That there name has a lot of meaning for some."

"Weren't my war or battle," he replied.

"No, but it was mine and this is my boat," said Mal and that seemed to end the discussion as Jayne just shrugged.

"We got a course after we fuel, sir?" asked Zoe after a few seconds.

"Boros," was all Mal said as he exited and made his way to the bridge.

Simon looked at Kaylee in surprise but she indicated for him to stay quiet for now. Then they felt the ship take off and begin to move through the air. Kaylee worried on not having finished the inspection but that would have to wait.

"Boros? What the hell is on Boros?" asked Jayne as he finished his lunch and moved to put his dishes in the sink. "Ain't no glitter there. I was hoping to spend this pay burning a hole in my pocket."

Jayne started to make himself some coffee as Zoe just glared at him again. "Ain't no Alliance or Badger on Boros. Don't you ever think of no one but yourself?"

Jayne just grinned as he finished his task and tasted the coffee. "Sure. All the lonely women of Persephone who are gonna be without my love tonight." He returned to his seat and sipped his drink.

Inara rolled her eyes. "I'm sure the women of Persephone will be glad they missed out on what you call love."

"Now Inara that might have just hurt my feelings."

"If you had any," Zoe shot at him.

Jayne just grinned. "Guess I'll have to share my pay with the ladies of Boros."

"I'm sure they will be excited to make your acquaintance," Simon said with a touch of sarcasm that was lost on Jayne. Jayne just leered at him. "Doc, from all the exercise you been getting between the sheets and elsewhere last few days, I might just come to you for a few pointers."

"Jayne!" said Kaylee in shock expecting Simon to be embarrassed. But he surprised her.

"I'm planning on writing a book, the new guide to sex in the 'verse. With special sections on how to make love in a crowded space ship. I'll send you an autographed copy."

There was a moment of stunned silence and then Simon put on a big grin and started laughing and Kaylee joined in and soon they all had tears rolling down their faces.

Mal entered at that point and was surprised to see them laughing. "And I thought our situation was a might more serious than this."

"Oh, sir, take forever to explain," said Zoe through her giggles.

"Well, glad to see everyone's so happy. First, let's put away rest of these supplies. Then Jayne, Zoe lets get ready for any trouble at the refueling. Everyone else be ready to take off at a moment's notice. We finish fueling we get her in the air pronto."

The little group broke up as Zoe and Mal went to the bridge. The others put away the rest of the food and supplies Jayne and Zoe had bought. After a few minutes it was completed so Kaylee and Simon had a moment to talk privately when they returned to their room as Kaylee changed out of her work clothes. Simon paced as she did so, saying nothing. Then Kaylee sat on the bed and waited for Simon to join her but he didn't.

"He said Boros," said Simon as he looked at Kaylee with deadly seriousness.

She gulped, worried that Simon wouldn't understand. "Don't be mad. I told him. This morning. I needed to tell him eventually"

Simon just sighed and shook his head. "And now we are going there. Things are not going as planned."

"We got no choice now. We can't go near a port."

"No, guess not."

"Don't be mad."

He smiled and sat with her. "Not mad, just…just…worried is all. I'm afraid even Boros may not be safe for us."

"Won't know till we get there." They held each other then and Simon kissed the top of her head and she knew he was trying to make her feel safe and loved him for the gesture. Yet worry consumed both of them and Kaylee wondered if there was any place in the verse that she could ever call home. Not even Serenity held that for her anymore.

The refueling took place quickly and despite their fears no one came looking for them or even asked them any questions. Mal paid for the fuel and shortly after the headed for the black once again.

Kaylee was happy, in a small way, for she was in space once again and she'd never get tired of its mystery and beauty despite its dangers. She and Simon came on the bridge just as one of them raised its ugly head again.

"Alliance patrol ship,' said River in a calm voice. Mal was in the co-pilot's seat and quickly jumped out to look at River's scanners.

"Good distance off, " he said. "Just take it nice and slow, make like were in no hurry."

The next ten minutes were very tense and thankfully the small Alliance vessel was more interested in landing than in stopping and checking vessels.

"It's heading for the Eavesdown Docks," said River.

"Don't mean anything," said Mal. "Routine patrol. Now, seeing as I got the three of you…"

"Lancaster County Townships," River said and Kaylee had no idea what she was talking about.

"River? What is…" Simon began but River cut him off and Kaylee knew she was in mind reader mode again.

"It's a place on Boros.," she said as she looked at Mal. "You wanted to know where we wanted to go. That's it. I have the coordinates."

"What's there?" asked Kaylee, very curious about this place that might be her new home.

"Wheat fields, chicken coops, silos filed with ears of corn, and a small town with a small clinic in need of a doctor," River replied and as she did so she started hitting buttons on a Cortex screen until it came to the "Verse Wide All Knowing You Want a Job We Got a Job" screen. After a few more screens it came to an ad. "Lancaster County Townships, Boros. Seeking Laborers, Farm Hands, Machine Operators, Professional Medical Personnel. Work conditions and pay to be negotiated. Send wave to Phileas T. Beauregard, Controller, Lancaster County Townships."

"Well, that's a might interesting," said Mal as Simon and Kaylee took in all this new information.

"River, how long have you been planning this?" asked Simon.

"A few days. Since you decided on Boros," she said. "Cortex has all. Even us now."

They had been examining the Cortex but it had nothing on them recently and Kaylee now knew that was a false sense of security. River hit more buttons and more screens flew by until they came to their brand new wanted posters.

Kaylee held Simon's hand tight. "What's to stop folks on Boros from knowing who we are also?"

Mal seemed not hear her question. He just smiled. "Beauregard. I know that name from somewhere."

He grabbed the overhead mic. "Zoe. Come on up to the bridge."

"What's going on Capt'n" asked Kaylee, more worried now than before.

"Just a minute and I'll explain all."

Zoe appeared on the bridge a few seconds later. "Yes, sir?"

"Remember P.T. Beauregard?"

Zoe looked puzzled for a second. "Beauregard? Let's see…yeah, he was a low down no good son-of-a-bitch smuggler out of Beaudmonde. He tried to cut us out on a number of jobs. Why you asking me about Beauregard, sir?"

"Seems he got himself set up as some kind of government official on Boros," Mal replied with a grin.

"That so," said Zoe. "Might be a good place for someone looking to hide from the Alliance."

"I don't understand," said Simon at last as Kaylee was about to ask the same.

"He hates the Alliance," said River.

"That he does," said Mal. "He even wore brown during the war."

Kaylee smiled as she suddenly understood what they were saying. "You mean…he'd hide us?"

"For the right price," said Zoe. "He ain't that generous."

Mal pondered. "We'll see. Maybe he's mellowed some, running a bunch of farmers. Set a landing for Lancaster County Townships, River."

"Aye, Captain" she said and began to plot their course.

Simon and Kaylee left the bridge, both feeling much better now they had some kind of plan. The trip to Boros would take at least one day if Kaylee remembered rightly so they had a bit of time to relax. There was nothing else to do except pack. Simon went off to the infirmary to select what he needed for their new home and Kaylee found Inara and got her suitcase from her.

Kaylee spend a long time going through things, setting aside what she didn't want to take and trying to fit things properly in the few bags she had. It wasn't going to be enough so she went off and asked Zoe if she had any luggage but she didn't having spent the last seven years on Serenity and having no need for any. Jayne wasn't much help either only having an old duffel bag that reeked of gun oil and was covered in sweat stains. But he did suggest one of the cargo containers and Kaylee brightened at the idea. Jayne helped her select a big black plastic one that was in good shape and they dragged it to the room. Suddenly Kaylee realized she could take everything she wanted and all managed to fit with room to spare for River's things.

As she was packing the books she stopped and held the journal in her hands. She looked again at the picture of Simon and his family and his medical degree. Soon they would need it. Kaylee silently said a prayer to God to protect them and to make this man Beauregard be the man the Capt'n said he was. Whether it was sheer coincidence if he was the same man or a sign from above Kaylee didn't care. They needed all the help they could get.

Kaylee decided to take a break and wanted to read more about what Simon had written about the Heart of Gold and what was to come. She sat in the chair and lay the journal on the now almost empty desk.

"It has been a week since we said goodbye to the ladies of the Heart of Gold and there has been a noticeable tension between the captain and Inara. I don't believe she blames him for what happened to her friend Nandi but it is obvious to the crew that things are not well between them. Jayne, in his crude way, suggested what I think may be the possible answer. Mal slept with one of the ladies, possible even Nandi herself, and Inara has found out and cannot control how she feels for him. Kaylee has long held the belief that they love each other but are too afraid to admit it."

Yeah, she had said that all right. Course now Kaylee knew the real reason there was tension, with Inara planning to leave and all. Perhaps the Capt'n had slept with one of those women, maybe even Nandi, but he loved Inara and that's what counted. She often thought on how it would have felt if Simon had taken to bed with one of them and she instantly knew she'd be extremely jealous.

"On a brighter note, things seem to be going well between Kaylee and me. We talk a lot, I say what I mean to say, and haven't put my foot in my mouth for almost a week now. I discovered that the key is to talk about what she wants to talk about and show an interest in what she likes. While engines bore me to tears…"

Oh, that man, he's gonna get an earful for that remark!

"…Kaylee's genuine love for them can make them seem interesting."

Well, maybe she was a little too hasty with that last thought.

"I've run scenarios through my head about how to take our relationship to the next level. Ways to find to kiss her, to hug her, to be alone with her, to find some place quiet for just the two of us. But nothing has worked, mostly due to my lack of courage. It's so strange. I've never had trouble asking a girl on a date before. But there is no place to have "a date" on Serenity and our brief stops on planets are usually full of danger and Alliance patrols looking for me and River."

Scenarios she had thought on, too. How she would ask him to look at a part of her body, pretend she had an ache here or there, take off her shirt, let him see her bare flesh, watch as he got flustered and then just…grab him and have her way! But that never happened. Kaylee was just too darn honest to lie to Simon about that. Wonder what scenarios he had in mind? Bet they had something to do with a physical exam and a hot time after.

"We are headed to New Melbourne to pick up some cargo. I suspect it is fish since New Melbourne is mostly water with a few island land masses and is known through the system for its fish. I hope it's dried, canned, or packaged and not live."

It had been mostly canned fish, with some packages of smoked sturgeon and salmons. Kaylee loved fish, strange since it was not something she saw much of as a child and had few chances to eat since. Maybe because it was so different and was a treat.

Then there was a gap in the journal and Kaylee knew what came next. She moved from the chair to the bed, pulling the covers tight over her, wanting to feel warm and safe as she read what she knew was to come.

"All my attempts to protect River from the Alliance have almost come to nothing as Serenity has been boarded by a bounty hunter, who caused no end of trouble in his attempt to take River off the ship. He is dead now, I am hoping anyway, since Mal sent him for a long space walk without a lifeline. His name was Jubal Early and he is the most vile, vicious man I have ever met."

Kaylee closed the journal, shuddered and closed her eyes tight, the feeling of dread and helplessness returning in a flood of memories. Jubal Early represent all of Kaylee's nightmares, a stranger threatening her life and sanity, threatening to violate her body, and threatening her friends and the man she loved. With a deep breath she opened the journal and found the place where she had left off.

"He confessed to me that he had been following Serenity since the feds attempted to arrest us on Ariel. Guess I have Jayne to thank for that."

One more reason to put Jayne in the book of people never to trust again. Ever.

"The ship's daily routine had been winding down for the night. Supper was done, the dishes cleaned, and I found myself with some free time as River took a rest in her room. As I relaxed in the passenger lounge Kaylee came by and sat with me. She said she wanted to lie down and stretch out and relax and I, in a flirty mood and half joking, said go ahead. So she did. With her bare legs on my lap. I struggled to concentrate on what we were talking about as I lay my hands on her legs. She didn't flinch or take offense"

Why would she? She did that whole thing just so she could get her legs on his lap, get him to touch her. She wanted to make him hot under the collar, see if she could get him to take that next step. All part of the plan. That didn't work. Again.

"At one point she even playfully tapped my face with her foot as we talked on my drunken adventures in medical school. Then River walked by us with hardly a hello and went upstairs. After a few minutes we heard Mal shouting about River and a gun. Kaylee and I raced into the cargo bay to see River holding a very large pistol. The captain quickly disarmed her and we found that the gun was loaded and the safety was off. As I tried to ask River why she had a gun she ran to her room."

As did Kaylee. Seeing River with that gun scared the hell out of her. Knowing what she had done in the Skyplex fight, knowing she was capable of killing. Kaylee just simply went in the opposite direction and headed upstairs to her engine room, where she felt safe. But not anymore. Not after Early.

"River's medication still makes her ill on occasion and I have tried several combinations, but nothing is perfect. I had thought her episodes of unusual behavior had passed but I was wrong. This episode proved to be a something that Mal was not going to let pass so easily."

Kaylee knew she had to tell the Capt'n about River and her gun skills. As she had gone to find him she heard them talking on the bridge, Zoe, Wash, Jayne, and the Capt'n, talking about what to do about River. It was time to tell the truth, much as she hated to say anything bad about River.

"What happened next has confused and confounded me. Kaylee told all of us that River had actually took part in the Skyplex battle, shooting and killing three men. With her eyes closed. I am horrified that my sister had to do such a thing, even though I am sure she saved Kaylee's life in the process, maybe even all of us. But the way Kaylee described it made no sense. How can someone shoot someone with their eyes closed? Zoe called her an assassin. Was she trained as an assassin by the Alliance? And then came the bigger issue. The captain believes she is a psychic, a mind reader, and others, including Book, agreed with him. I deflected their questions but soon they will no longer question if she is a mind reader and I fear what will happen. The events with Early seem only to confirm to them that she is a mind reader."

Kaylee felt Simon's pain as they discussed his sister's fate and the guilt was overwhelming her, feeling like she was ratting out her best friend to her parents or school teacher. River was a psychic and an assassin, they all knew now, confirmed beyond anyone's doubts. Thank God she was or they would all have died at the hands of the Reavers. But that still didn't make it any righter for Kaylee to tell the others about what River had done.

"It was also clear that the captain was thinking on asking River and I to leave Serenity. Nothing was decided at the moment so I decided to go check on River. Kaylee immediately followed me and apologized for what she had said. I wasn't mad at her. I was just upset that we might have to leave. And then it happened. The moment I had been trying to create. In all this fear and shock came a brief moment where Kaylee and I connected like we had never before. I had said River loved Serenity that it was like home to her. When asked if I felt the same I replied that my home had been the hospital on Osiris. Kaylee then asked me if there was anything on Serenity I was glad about. And she was what I was glad about, only her. She was so lovely, her eyes full of desire, and I knew then that she wanted what I wanted. I reached across that space, those few inches separating us from who knows what, and as I almost touched her cheek…."

Disaster, again.

"…Shepherd Book turned the corner and walked right between us as he said good night and went downstairs. The feeling between Kaylee and I evaporated in an instant and I wonder if it had ever been there. We were suddenly shy and awkward and just said goodnight to each other."

It had been so close. She had wanted him to touch her, to hold her, kiss her. The moment was there. And then it was gone and she couldn't even explain why but he was right. The mood was changed and it was not coming back so easily. Maybe he remembered he had all his fears of the Alliance and his responsibility for River, but whatever happened, it was gone.

"I went to find River and explain what was happening, to ask her the truth of what happened in the Skyplex battle. She did not deny it but said it wasn't her, not really, that someone had taken over, something, she couldn't explain it properly. She knew she had killed those men but felt disconnected from the event. I fear it is what the Alliance has done to her, that they have manipulated her subconscious so that in dangerous situations her skills as a …killer….come out only to have her return to normal when there is no danger. Was this possible? I have no idea where to proceed from here."

He was lost, on unfamiliar ground, and that was something Simon didn't take a shine to easily. His life was so out of control that one of the reasons he wanted to leave Serenity was to regain some measure of control over his life, even a small part. She understood that part of him well, for he was a man who could save others lives, and that must give one an awesome sense of control. Kaylee could fix an engine if a part broke or if it died she'd just get a new one. A doctor couldn't get a dead person a new life.

"River also knew what had happened between me and Kaylee in the corridor. She knows I love her and she says Kaylee feels the same…"

Oh my God, River knew and she told him! That little….but why didn't he…oh, it was so complicated and was past but still it frustrated her.

"…but this knowledge makes me worry more on the future now that Reynolds might throw us off his ship."

Reynolds again. Simon called him that when he was pissed at him. Meaning he didn't want to leave the ship.

"Soon after falling asleep I was awaken by a strange sound, like something falling. Later I realized it was Shepherd Book being knocked unconscious by Early. He had already boarded, knocked out the captain, terrified and tied up Kaylee…."

Terrified and tied up Kaylee. The few words could not convey the sense of horror of those events. She had been kicking herself for what had happened with Simon in the corridor. She should have just grabbed his hand and dragged him to the engine room and planted a big wet sloppy kiss on his wonderful lips. And that would have been that, for good or bad. But she hadn't and now she regretted not saying something. She was adjusting the secondary grav boot when she heard a noise and thought it was River. She looked but no one was there. She returned to her work and then he was there, a strange man appearing as if from thin air in her engine room on her ship. And she knew immediately he was not a nice man.

Kaylee had felt her heart about to pound out of chest, her limbs growing cold as her legs were paralyzed with fear. When he asked if she'd ever been raped she felt like she was falling in a deep dark hole and couldn't find the sides, her mind going numb with fear. Rape. The horror of someone forcing themselves on you, violating your body, not for sex, because rape wasn't about sex, it was about control and power. Then he tied her up and she thought she was going to die despite his promises not to hurt her if she kept quiet. She told him where River slept and she wept as he lay her down gently, his arms so powerful she knew he could do whatever he wanted to her. Guilt consumed Kaylee as she lay on the engine floor gratings wondering if he was going to kill River and knew Simon would try to stop him and maybe die too. How could so much happen in so few minutes? It was like a nightmare. And where was everyone else? He said they were locked in their rooms. Were they maybe dead already?

"As I exited my room Early attacked me from above. When he realized who I was he stopped his attack. He was looking for River and she wasn't in her room. Unknown to anyone, River had sensed Early coming aboard Serenity. She had taken a spacesuit and had exited from the fore airlock. The came the dangerous part as she later explained. She kicked off from Serenity and aimed for Early's ship. If she had missed she would have gone for a long space walk. But she didn't and opened his ship and got inside. Early asked me to help him find River and I told him he should kill me since I wasn't going to help him find my sister. Then he told me he had Kaylee tied up in the engine room and was going to violate her if I didn't help. If I could have killed him at that moment I would have my anger was such. But my fears for Kaylee were greater and I knew I had to go with him, at least make a pretense of helping him, and perhaps, as he clearly stated, get my moment when I could surprise him."

God, what they had gone through, the two of them, at the hands of this mad man.

"I found Shepherd Book unconscious on the floor by the passenger lounge. He was alive but hurt. Early made a cryptic comment that Book wasn't a Shepherd but I had no chance to ask for an explanation."

Hmmm, more to ponder about the Shepherd. Too bad Jayne hadn't time to visit the abbey and find out more.

"I played tour guide for Early as we went through the ship looking for River. He claimed to be a bounty hunter who had the contract for River and me. But he didn't seem overly interested in me, only River. He was extremely odd, a borderline psychotic. Or perhaps that is being generous. Talking to him was an adventure in interpreting speech. For example, I asked if he was a bounty hunter and he said "no I am a bounty hunter". Clearly he was deranged in some way. Meanwhile River was on his ship and she had connected Early's communication equipment to Serenity's internal communications system. How, I don't know and even the captain had trouble following as she explained it. She could switch from ship wide comms to individual rooms and this is what saved us. Finally Early got frustrated with his search and began shouting for River to reveal herself or he would kill me. River played a psychological game with him, saying she was really Serenity and while she confused Early she talked to Kaylee and Mal and set her plan in motion."

Hearing River's voice over the comms system saying she was Serenity had stunned Kaylee and the others. Then she had begun to talk to Kaylee by herself and that was even more surprising. Kaylee had felt so helpless and just lay there, not daring to move. And then River explained her plan, to have Kaylee free the Capt'n from his room and then go to the cargo bay and prep his suit. Her heart in her mouth, Kaylee had done just that, opening the Capt'n's bunk, and then racing downstairs. After a few moments the Capt'n appeared and they quickly got him suited up. As he headed back up to the air lock River kept talking to Early, keeping him occupied. Kaylee went looking for Book and was shaken to find him out cold on the floor.

Then River said something that broke all their hearts. She said she would go with Early, be his bounty, that she would fade away and everyone could go on with their lives. Kaylee never knew if this was part of the plan or was how River really felt. It was so believable Kaylee had almost started crying. She knew who she meant when River said people could be with who they wanted to be with. She meant Simon and her, like she was preventing them from being together. And maybe she was, but that didn't mean they didn't love River and want her with them. Kaylee had never realized how much River knew about all of them and how she hurt inside for all of them until that moment.

"As River talked Early grew more frustrated and then finally realized she was on his ship. Then River said she was going to be his bounty and go with him. She sounded so believable I didn't realize it was part of the plan. In my foolish attempt to stop Early he shot me in the upper thigh. He had commented that all doctors should be hurt in some way before getting their medical license so they know what pain is. Well, as I sit here in my bed recuperating, I understand exactly what pain is. I also have a bruised jaw and a bump on my head for my stupidity. As I lay in agony on the bridge steps, Mal was pushing Early off into the depths of space. He was waiting outside the airlock as Early came up and that was that. The next thing I knew Kaylee was at my side and to my pain filled mind she appeared to take off her shirt and wrap my bleeding leg wound with it. I had wanted to see her with her clothes off but not under these circumstances. She was simply lovely and she just grinned as I stared at her and asked if I had never seen a woman with her clothes off before. I replied I had but not her."

Kaylee smiled as she remembered all that. She had raced upstairs when she heard the shot, fearing the worst, and waited in the dining area as Early left the ship. As soon as she heard the air lock close she raced to Simon and saw he was bleeding. Having nothing else she quickly took off her pink top and wrapped his leg with it. Of course, she was wearing a bra so wasn't totally naked but the look on Simon's face was something to behold. She then released Wash, Zoe and a very confused Jayne from their rooms.

"In addition to mine and Book's injuries, Inara had been struck by Early when we had looked in her shuttle for River and Mal had a few bruises from his earlier encounter with the bounty hunter. Zoe operated on my leg and got the bullet out, doing a very good job. We survived and it was through River's skills that we were able to do so. It has been three days since the event and no one has said a word about River leaving, no one has mentioned the incident with the gun. Kaylee still seems shaken up by what happened. I don't know all of what happened to her in the engine room but it couldn't have been pleasant and she has lost some of her sunny disposition. I guess we all have. In Serenity we have had our share of dangerous moments but not like this. Maybe we had felt safe. Not anymore."

Just then the door opened and Simon came in the room with a bag of medical supplies. She gave a little cry and leaped out of bed and into his arms. He was taken aback, dropped his bag, and wrapped his arms around her.

"Kaylee, what's the matter?" he asked in a dazed voice as he held his trembling wife.

"Just hold me, I need to be held," she whispered. "I'm so scared."

She could sense him look over her shoulder and see the open journal. "Oh. You've been reading about….that man."

She squeezed him harder. "Can't forget. It was so…" but she couldn't finish the thought.

He looked at her. "It's time to talk about it."

She nodded and he led her to the bed and they sat and talked. And the whole story came out, every word Early had said to her, all her fears and nightmares, and her betrayal of River, her gnawing guilt. He knew some of it but not all, especially not the direct threat of rape. When he had told Simon he would violate her he had not known he had said the same to Kaylee. Simon held her and she fought back her tears, not wanting any more crying. He stroked her hair and they kissed.

"He's dead, Kaylee. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know. But, the memory isn't."

"We get to Boros we'll make some new memories. Happy ones. I promise."

She smiled and they kissed again and lay down, and Simon just held her and Kaylee felt warm and protected in his arms and hoped someday that the nightmares would end.


	15. Chapter 15 Those Left Behind

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 15 – Those Left Behind**

Kaylee's mind drifted as she and Simon held each other on their bed. She pondered on the things to come and the things from the past. Jubal Early was dead, of that they were sure, and they were headed to Boros and that was for sure also. What would come on Boros she had no idea and it was like stepping off into the unknown. She had only done that once in her life, when she ran to catch a space worn old Firefly, it's engines already glowing, ready to take off, barely having time to say goodbye to her parents or pack the few things she owned.

This time was different in many ways. She was married for one thing and for another her husband was a wanted man. Kaylee had thought on that before she married Simon, had thought on it long and hard, knew what was in store. At least she thought she had. She thought they would live on Serenity for some time but it had only been a little over two months since the wedding. Now they were about to enter a new phase in their life and Kaylee felt like the ground was shifting under her feet and would not settled for some time to come, if it ever did.

A long time later they arose and began to finish packing. Simon found a spot for the medical supplies they needed, including the medicine he gave to River every day. Thankfully, Jayne and Zoe had been able to find what he needed for River and Simon had used his own money to buy it. Simon worried over whether they would be able to find a supply on Boros or not but that was a bridge they wouldn't have to cross for many months. Kaylee left the bedding and a few items of clothing out, plus their toiletries. They had one more night, and maybe even two, left on Serenity. One thing left on the desk was the journal. Simon sat in the chair and opened it and picked up his pen. He began flipping through it till he came to the last entry.

"Going to write?" she asked, looking up from packing some things, a bit surprised because he hadn't written anything new for almost a week now.

"Yes. Bit of catching up to do. Lots of drama. What happened with you and the journal, the problems with Jayne's shoulder and Jayne himself, the drunken party, in which I took no part, the blossoming of …something…between the captain and Inara, our decision to leave Serenity, and the…Alliance.."

"Still looking for us," Kaylee finished in a quiet voice, as she stood and touched his shoulder.

"Sorry. Didn't want to drag…" he started but Kaylee quickly cut him off, her voice betraying her irritation with his continual harping on this theme.

"Stop. Right there. You keep saying that and it's time to stop. Your troubles are mind. I took that wedding vow and all that went with it, good and bad, for better and worse, sickness and health and all that."

He was quiet for a moment, not looking at her. "I'll never mention it again."

"Sorry. Just time we faced the fact that we three are in this together."

He turned and looked up at her, touched her hand that was on his shoulder. "Life isn't going to be easy on Boros."

"We'll get by," she said in a gentler voice. "Township needs medical professionals. That's what you are. And then some. Bet they need a good mechanic, too"

He smiled. "You're always so optimistic. What will River do?

"Said she wants to dance or go to school," Kaylee replied

"Might have to stay secluded for a while. People might recognize us."

Kaylee sat on the bed and turned Simon toward her. "I got something to ask you, might not like it much."

"You know you can tell me anything."

She pursed her lips together and looked at him steadily. "I think we might need to change our names."

He clearly wasn't ready for this. "Change our names?" Simon said in a soft voice, as he seemed to ponder her idea, but then slowly he began to shake his head. "Kaylee, I think it's a wise idea, and might work for a while, but one I'm not prepared to do. We wanted to make this move to have freedom, but by telling lies, which both of us are terrible at, we'll have less freedom. If, when, we find a place to settle on Boros or elsewhere, we need to build up some trust with people. If they discover we are using false names we will destroy that trust. And don't forget our pictures, Kaylee, what about mine and River's pictures? There everywhere and on the Cortex. There may not be much Alliance presence on Boros but at least some local policeman will have them. And what would we tell our children, and our children's children, God willing we have both? How long will the lies last? No, we will not give up the names our parents gave us."

He said it with such determination that Kaylee could only nod. "Guess what you said makes sense. Just so worried…about what's gonna happen."

He held her hands. "I know. So am I."

Kaylee's shoulder's sagged in frustration. "Oh, God, it's too complicated. Can't change our names, your pictures on the Cortex and on posters, people willing to turn you in for money, and no one to help us. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know," Simon said with equal frustration weighing down on him. "We wait till we see what happens when Mal talks to this man. Once again we are dependent on the captain to help us."

Kaylee looked at the suitcases and the big black cargo container that filled most of the space of their room. "I think we packed a bit too soon."

The first half of the trip to Boros was relatively uneventful. Mal kept ship's time in sync with the time they left Persephone so it was afternoon when they left. After they cleared the traffic around Persephone and its moons they set the auto pilot on and the course headings were entered into the nav system.

River then immediately went to get her sketch book and pencils and cornered a reluctant Mal into having his picture drawn. River insisted on him wearing his gun belt and long brown coat, pistol drawn in a dramatic poise on the cargo bay deck. Zoe, Kaylee, and Inara stood by cracking jokes and trying to get Mal to laugh as River sketched him as fast as she could before his patience worn thin. Kaylee felt much better than she had earlier when she and Simon fretted on what was to come. The rest of the crew seemed more light-hearted than earlier too and being out in the black, far from prying eyes and Alliance feds made everyone feel much better. Sometimes Kaylee wished they could float through the black forever.

After River finished Mal, to his great relief, she dragged Inara to her shuttle for her sketch. Mal tried to enter but Inara shut the door, saying she wanted to have a more "private" modeling session.

While all this was going on Simon finally got around to taking the stitches out of Jayne's shoulder. Kaylee entered the infirmary just as they were finishing up, hearing Simon getting Jayne to promise not to do any heavy lifting for at least two more days. Jayne growled a reluctant consent under his breath.

Kaylee helped Simon put away his instruments and then she had left Simon alone to do some writing in the journal. She wandered through the ship, looking at every part, every bolt, and weld, smelling the different rooms and spaces, remembering all that had happened. Each place had a memory, many good, and some bad. The times they had together, the fun, the laughter, the love they shared, coupled with the pain, the loss, the anger, the hurt and fear of their many scrapes with the law and assorted criminals. And Reavers. She lingered for a long time in her old bunk, where she had lived most of four years. Kaylee sat on her old bed and then lay down, recalling the times she and Simon had lay here together, the few that there were before moving in together in the passenger dorm.

As she wandered through the ship she ran into her companions and had a few words with each, not lingering long, just enjoying her little trip down memory lane. She ran into River as she left Inara's shuttle and River gave her a sneak peek at the sketch she did of Inara. Kaylee's eyes almost popped out as she saw it was a full nude. Inara wanted to give it to the Capt'n as a surprise gift, maybe for his birthday, which wasn't far off. Kaylee couldn't help but admire River's skill at capturing the essence of Inara's beauty, and a beauty she was indeed.

In the engine room she sat on her hammock for a spell, looking at the engine, worried over which part was worn out and what could go wrong, thinking on what else she should tell the Capt'n and any new mechanic he could find. The power settings were almost full out, the Capt'n wanting to put as much distance between them and Persephone as fast as possible. Kaylee got up and began tinkering, adjusting this, wiping that.

"Hi," said Simon. "Going to miss this room the most, aren't you?"

She was her knees with a wrench in her hand and just nodded. "Yup. My favorite place."

He sat on the hammock. "I finished with the journal. If you want to read more, I mean."

Kaylee put down the wrench and wiped her hands on a rag, stood and sat with him. "What did you write?"

"Oh, just about how my wife was so nosy, sneaking around my private papers," he teased and she punched him in the arm. "Hey!"

"Nosy wife! You asked me to read it!" she said.

"After you had already started," he reminded her.

"Yeah, but you didn't know that."

"True enough. Anyway, don't read ahead, it'll ruin the story for you."

"Right, a story I already know most of."

After a few more minutes chitchat Kaylee went off downstairs to wash her hands and change her clothes as Simon went to get some coffee and tea. As she emerged from their room Simon was sitting in the passenger lounge, his coffee cup and her tea cup on the table. He had his copy of "The History of the Earth That Was Travelers" which Kaylee had bought for him so long ago. He was curious about who first settled Boros and anything else there was about its history. Kaylee gave him a quick peck on the cheek and went off to read more of the journal. The red leather bound journal was on the desk, pen on top. Kaylee opened it and resisted the urge to read what he had just written. She took a sip of tea, put down her cup and found the place where she had left on. Oh yes. Simon the Terrible Patient.

"I have been laying in bed for three days now, my thigh throbbing incessantly. I've taken only a mild pain killer, not wanting to be under the influence of any drugs if my services are required. All this inactivity is making me even crazier than the dull pain and I'm on the verge of a rebellion against my caretakers. I'm a terrible patient and I don't know where Kaylee and River have found the patience to put up with me. They take turns looking in on me and making sure I'm not trying to get out of bed or walk on my leg yet."

He had been so cranky those days! River and Kaylee took him his meals and helped him to the washroom. He refused to let them any further than the door and once he stumbled and fell with a few choice curse words emitting. Kaylee entered and found him face down and helped a very embarrassed Simon to his feet and back to bed. After three days Kaylee and River allowed him to walk about and he began to be less cranky and within two weeks the wound had healed almost completely.

Kaylee knew all about being a patient, her own forced confinement coming after being shot by Dobson. After getting away from the Reavers on Whitefall, Kaylee had been sitting on the engine room floor when she noticed she was bleeding again. Simon had Jayne and the Capt'n fetch a stretcher and carry her more gently down the stairs to the infirmary, where he fixed her stitching. Later they moved her to a passenger dorm room. Kaylee had lay there for almost a week, unable to move much, a dull throb in her stomach, despite the pain killers. Simon kept her on an IV for two days, since the bullet had nicked her large intestine and he feared an infection if she ate anything. Finally he allowed her to have solid food and Kaylee was never so grateful to eat a disgusting protein bar in her life.

"Thankfully the bullet wound was shallow and hit no bone. Mal believes Early's gun was designed to fire a bullet at a low velocity to avoid killing his targets if they were wanted alive. Otherwise there is no real reason why a bullet fired at such close range hadn't penetrated my leg completely."

Jayne had teased him about his leg wound being nothing but a "scratch" but Kaylee could tell that Jayne, Mal, and Zoe seemed to show a little more respect for Simon, now that he had joined their "club" of wounded warriors, especially since he had been shot in "combat", meaning his fight with Jubal Early. Kaylee and Book were also members of the wounded by gunfire club but they had been shot by accident, getting in the way of a bullet, so it wasn't quite the same.

The next few pages of the journal were filled with scattered dates as not much of consequence happened. Simon mentioned the trip to New Melbourne and the fish cargo run, a few comments about River and herself, all good of course, and more about the tension between the Capt' and Inara, the reason for which finally came out in the open.

"The truth behind the more than usual tension between the captain and Inara has finally been revealed. She is planning to leave Serenity and go to a training house for Companions, where she will take up duties as an instructor. Kaylee's instincts about the love between Mal and Inara are possibly valid. As Inara gathered us in the dining area and explained what she was doing, Mal just walked away, unable to hear it. Among us only River was unsurprised and Kaylee was shattered by the news her friend was leaving."

More shattered by the fact that Inara had not told her sooner, Kaylee remembered. She didn't even know what to say to Inara. Book had also been at a loss for words. He hid his feelings well, but Kaylee knew he had been close to Inara too, Inara being the only one on board who he could turn to for counsel, while the rest of the crew depended on him. Change was coming, Kaylee had felt at the time, but how much she could never have imagined in her worst nightmares.

"Our resources of money have dwindled these last days. The fish cargo from New Melbourne has been our last real successful cargo run in several weeks. Unfortunately, we have once again been reduced to doing the bidding of criminal overlords. The captain got word of a bank full of money in a town called Constance on a moon of Persephone. We landed and Mal convinced the Shepherd to play the role of a diversion by asking the town folk if they cared for a service. Book was reluctant but as we were in desperate straights he agreed, making the captain promise there would be no shooting. He assured Book there wouldn't as it was a Sunday and the bank was closed. That promise he could not keep, as another band happened on Mal, Zoe, and Jayne just as they relieved the bank vault of its contents."

"I do not know all the details of what happened next but Jayne received a stab wound in the right shoulder and all three had mild concussive after effects from a grenade going off in a confined space, namely the bank vault. Mal is also quite put out as his favorite pistol was taken from him by the criminal band. Thieves stealing from thieves. A bit of poetic justice I would say if the loss of that money hadn't made us so desperate we were forced to take a job that almost saw the end of us. Again."

The other gang, run by fella name of Ott, had been there, how, Kaylee never did find out, but they had lost the money and that was not good. That they managed to escape had been the result of Shepherd Book coming to their rescue. Now that was irony for you, a Shepherd rescuing a gang of thieves.

"Book managed to commandeer a vehicle and he picked up our crewmates and headed to a rendezvous with Serenity. The town's folk were in hot pursuit and a shoot out was underway when we arrived. Kaylee and Wash came up with a brilliant but dangerous plan to stop the pursuit. Wash noticed a water tower hanging over the road the vehicles would have to take and we used the tower to block the road. But first Kaylee had to hang out the front bomb bay cargo doors to attact a cable to the tower. It was in a part of the ship I had never been in before, under the crew's quarters and just below the bridge. Kaylee said it was another smuggling space. We went under the floor by the crew's quarters and crawled forward. Then we came to a small space where we could stand up. There was a winch and a harness there and I suspect this was not the first time they had done something like this. I strapped her into the harness, made sure she was secure, and then lowered her by winch to the tower. She had to quickly instruct me on the winch controls and I was afraid to make a mistake but it went well."

Went well, indeed. Kaylee had made like a kite, as Wash had said, and it had been both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. She knew the winch cable was strong and the harness secure and hanging out the ship high over the ground would have been fun if it hadn't been for the imminent danger approaching. The best part of the whole thing was having Simon pull her back up into the ship, her body in his strong grasp, his muscles like steel as she felt his arms and shoulders flexing to pull her in. For a few brief moments she was closer to him than at anytime since they had passed out together in the bar on Canton.

"The water tower collapsed as Serenity rose and the water sent the pursuers for a swim. We saved our gang once again and took off immediately. I tended to Jayne's shoulder wound, which was not too bad, and only required a few stitches. Our lack of success at this venture did not sit well with the crew and the lack of money was weighting heavily on our minds. Shepherd Book was in a foul mood and the need for him to commit a crime to help the crew is weighing heavily on him now. We next landed on Persephone, in search of work, and also because Mal had suspicions Badger was responsible for sending the other crew."

Hardly any money, barely enough for some fuel and nothing for nothing else. They had been getting to the end of their rope and possibly some would walk away soon if there was no pay to be had. The Lassiter was still there but no one would touch it. On the drift was where they had been heading. And then it got worse, much worse. Badger showed up and sent them to the battle of Sturges.

"I have seen the remains of a space battle and it is not a pleasant sight. Derelict ships adrift in orbit around the moon of Sturges, bodies floating through space, all trapped by gravity, eventually to fall into the thin atmo of Sturges and burn up. Badger sent us there all for nothing as it was a trap to kill the captain and to let the hands of blue take River away. Badger had approached us at the docks on Persephone and, after dealing with his henchmen in a very permanent manner, we grabbed his scruffy neck and took him for a long flight into the countryside."

Simon made it sound so non-descript, "in a very permanent manner", when in fact they, meaning Jayne and Zoe and the Capt'n, had killed those four men on the cargo bay ramp. Kaylee had been shocked to say the least and the gunfire in the confined space reminded her of the Skyplex battle. Jayne grabbed Badger by the neck and tossed him on board and Wash got Serenity into the air before anyone decided to see what all the gunfire was about. Along the way they opened the cargo bay ramp and let those bodies drop into a lake.

"Badger squirmed like the weasel he is and denied turning the other gang onto our score at Constance."

Gosh, Simon sounded just like a crook in some ways - "squirmed, "weasel" "gang" "score". Gonna take some time to civilize him again.

"Mal seemed all ready to kill him and I know Jayne was eager for the chance when Badger hit us with the reason he came calling. He claimed there was a cargo of money on one of the derelict ships at Sturges and he knew exactly where it was. To our surprise the captain took his word for it and made plans to head for Sturges after dropping Badger off far from home. I think we will some day regret not having dealt with him as Jayne wanted. For Sturges was a trap set up between Badger and a man we had all thought dead, Laurence Dobson."

It had been at trap all right and Badger had sent them there. How he knew Dobson and when they had planned this was unknown to the crew. They thought they had been rid of Dobson for good but somehow he had survived being shot in the face and left for dead on Whitefall and had been planning revenge. Later when the Capt'n told her about Dobson, her blood had run cold and she was glad when he said that the ex-lawman was certainly dead now. As for Badger, what Simon had written had now come true. Badger knew who Simon and River were and was actively seeking them for the reward. Kaylee would like to kill him herself if she ever laid eyes on him. Maybe.

"Just before we left Persephone the captain put the plan to the crew. Inara was quite upset that her trip to the training house was delayed once again. Shepherd Book's increasing moodiness and dislike for Mal came to the fore and in a heated exchanged he struck the captain. The astonishment this caused cannot be overstated enough. We knew the Shepherd was skilled with his fists and at arms, but I had never expected him to hit the captain. What was even more amazing was that Reynolds took it in stride and did not strike back. I can only surmise that somewhere deep in his psyche is a reservation against hitting men of God."

Shepherd hitting the Capt'n was a painful memory for Kaylee as that was the first sign that the crew was breaking up. Weren't more than a few weeks later that both Inara and the Shepherd were gone.

"We arrived at the battlefield, or I guess space field, of Sturges a half a day later. As Mal, Jayne, and Zoe took a space walk to the coordinates Badger had given them for the derelict ship and were confronted by Dobson and his henchmen, we had plenty of trouble of our own on Serenity. I discovered the medicine cabinet had been broken into, by River it turned out. She had cut herself in the process so I followed the blood to her room and found her with several bottles of pills and a hypodermic she had just injected into herself. My mind boggled at what she had done, but she had sensed the trouble to come and tried to dull the pain she knew would happen. The hands of blue, government agents, whatever they were, had been waiting in ambush for us and had attached their ship to Serenity's bottom and tried to breach the airlock. They were coming for River and she didn't want to feel what they were going to do to her and to us. Believing something terrible was going to happen that she could not stop or prevent, she had chosen to drug herself into senselessness to dull the pain to come. I guess I'll never really know or can imagine all that she has suffered a the hands of those people"

Poor River!

"In her drug induced state, River cryptically alluded that something was wrong with Serenity so I asked Kaylee to check it out, just as a precaution. One never knows how true or not River's sayings are, but I've come to trust her now on most things, and one can never go wrong when choosing the cautious path. As Kaylee opened the bomb bay doors to check things out, to our astonishment a large man in a black suit with hands of blue grabbed her by the throat and flung her like a doll to the cargo bay floor. As he stood over her I grabbed Jayne's barbell and smashed him over the head, dropping him to the floor of the bomb bay. Kaylee quickly leaped to her feet and shut the doors and then a struggled ensued as the men tried to enter in various ways and Kaylee kept closing the doors. Then we heard a cutting torch being lit and we knew it wouldn't be long."

There it was, Simon had saved her life. Again. She had been paralyzed with fear, a man just appearing like…Early…from nowhere, on her ship, and was attacking her. Then she saw his hands and knew all that River had said was true about the hands of blue. They were after her. Simon's yell for her to close the doors brought her back to reality and then the struggle began as she re-routed and re-set the door controls and then was on the verge of just ripping them out when they heard the torch. Then there was the reassuring voice of Shepherd Book at her side, telling her to run to Inara's shuttle if they got through. She wouldn't though, couldn't just leave him and Simon to fight them. But thankfully that hadn't come to pass.

"Wash piloted us through a mass of wrecks and finally managed to scrap their ship off our bottom. The sound of the torch stopped and we knew they could feel the ship moving and were probably alarmed. We felt a large bump and heard a loud thunk and then the sound of metal scrapping on metal. Meanwhile the others had their own adventure. Dobson and his gang had waited at the coordinates Badger had given us in order to ambush Mal. Once again Mal, Jayne and Zoe's skills at combat have come to the fore and they killed all of their assailants without getting a scratch."

And Dobson was dead, finally and completely.

"Unfortunately we are again broke as there was not a drop of money in the place. The words used by Jayne and Zoe to describe Badger and his treachery would make the ears of the craggiest most foul-mouthed space pirate turn crimson in uncomfortable embarrassment. Badger had best lie lower that the snake's belly he is if is to reach his retirement in one piece."

Kaylee and the others had been thankful no one was hurt but still it would have been nice to have gotten paid. However, even bigger problems were shortly after thrust upon the little space band as Inara and Book soon left the ship. It had been heartbreaking saying goodbye to Inara. Kaylee and River had helped her pack and Kaylee took some vid captures in her shuttle before Inara took down all her silk and satin sheets and curtains. Every time Kaylee had entered the Companion's shuttle she had forgotten that it was just a plain old shuttle, the decorations so elegant and the feeling of the place so sensual.

"Today we said goodbye to Inara. Kaylee and River took it hard, both of them being very close to her. Inara is almost like a sister to Kaylee and many times Inara has been my savior in taking care of my little sister. We shall all miss her a great deal but I think Mal will miss her the most. He could barely summon the courage to look her in the eye to say goodbye. There is more than a bit of truth to what Kaylee has said about those two."

Of course there was! Men just didn't know when a woman was interested in them. Simon was the worst for that. Almost a year it took him to do anything about it and then only when he thought he was about to die!

"We've had a bit of luck recently for a change. A few small legitimate jobs have come our way and on one of these the captain made a contact that had heard we had the Lassiter. It may or may not happen but soon we may be rid of this artifact that everyone claims is priceless. I'd just as soon trade it for a full fuel load or a week's worth of food, for all the good it has brought us so far. At least with my Ariel plan we had something people could use and wanted badly."

What was that!? He's comparing his caper with the Lassiter job! My, her criminal master mind husband had been getting a swell head about his skills at crime. He pulls one job, however successful it turned out, and he thinks he knows it all. She'd have to tease him about that later for sure.

"Another day and another sad goodbye. We landed at a mining colony on Haven, a place that the captain and crew had been before, to drop off some supplies and workers. Book decided that Haven was what he was looking for. The folks here sure were glad to have him stay because they had been without a man of the cloth for many months since their last preacher had passed on. Again we had some sad goodbyes and I even thought tough Jayne was going to crack his veneer of steel and actually hug the Shepherd but a stiff handshake was all that passed between the two men. I know now that Jayne will miss him more than the rest. Book apologized to Mal for striking him but the captain shrugged it off, saying he probable deserved it. Now we are seven and seven is a lucky number I hope."

Seven they were and now they were seven again. Soon to be four. Maybe.

Simon came in to see her after a little while and they talked on what she had read, with Kaylee giving him a hard time about his complaining about the Lassiter and his own criminal skills. He took her teasing well and gave her some information he found out about Boros from his readings and the Cortex. A little later Simon and Kaylee decided to find River and talk things over with her. She was busy on the bridge, adjusting their nav coordinates so Kaylee and Simon went to the dining room to help Zoe prepare dinner. Mal entered a short while later and asked Kaylee and Simon to sit with him and Zoe at the table.

"Have you on Boros in the morning by River's calculations," he said.

"Capt'n, what's the plan when we get to Boros?" Kaylee asked.

"We'll land aways from the town, take the Mule in and see the man, ask a few question, get the lay of the land," he replied.

"I'd like to come with you," said Simon.

Zoe frowned. "Bad idea."

"I agree," Mal stated. "Simon, you and River stay aboard. Don't know who knows about you or doesn't. Boros is backwater but it ain't the far rim."

Simon protested. "I'll have to meet this Beauregard eventually."

Mal shook his head no. "Not till I know what's his game is these days. Kaylee can come with me and Zoe and she'll fill you in when we get back."

Simon saw the sense of what they were saying and agreed without anymore fuss. Dinner was excellent and the talk was about the next day's plans. Kaylee fretted over many things but kept most of it to herself. So much uncertainty lay ahead that it felt like she was jumping off a high place without knowing what was below.

A long time later, after they set the ship for the night, Kaylee and Simon lay in bed and discussed the morning to come.

"Can you take a vid with you and get some pictures of the town?" Simon asked as they snuggled in each others arms.

"Sure. Just…how am I…we ...gonna approach him about getting a job. I mean for you, as a doctor." Her voice was full of worry and uncertainty.

"Don't know," Simon replied. "Guess Mal can bring it up. Maybe these folks just be happy to have a doctor, not care where he's from or what price is on his head."

"I hope so but I fear it's wishful thinking."

Simon nuzzled her neck. "Kaylee, my love, what can I do to take your mind off these fears?"

She purred and her spine tingled with anticipation as she felt his lips caress her neck. "Mmmm, that's a start. Try harder. I'm full of anxiety that I need to be rid of."

His hand moved up her legs and under the silk nightdress as his lips found hers and his hand began to turn her into quivering jelly. "Oh, doctor, you know just the right medicine for this patient," she murmured in a voice heavy with lust and Kaylee's fears and worries disappeared for a short while as she enjoyed blissful union with the man she loved.


	16. Chapter 16 Serenity (BDM) 1

_Author's note - The events of Serenity (AKA the Big Damn Movie) and after were too much to fit into one chapter so this will be divided into two parts. Part 2 follows as soon as possible and then there will be a final part to tie everything together._

 **The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 16 – Serenity (BDM) 1**

Kaylee awoke earlier than Simon, her fears and worries only relieved a short while by the loving touch of her husband. She sat up and saw it was 6:20 am on the ship's clock. Dreams had come again to her, and some were wonderful, of children and picnics in green valleys by shimmering lakes, and some were dark and horrifying, of Simon and River being dragged away by the police, of Serenity being destroyed, of all she loved being lost. That was twice now she dreamed of the ship in trouble and she wondered what it all meant. Her mind was racing in circles, her anxieties taking a toll on her mental health.

She had to be stronger, had to be ready to face this man today, this Beauregard. Size him up, was what the Capt'n would say, look him in the eye and find out what he was about. To trust a person or not was one of the greatest problems Kaylee had, because she believed in the inherit honesty of everyone. She wasn't that naive that she didn't know there were plenty that couldn't be trusted, especially since she was on ship full of, well, crooks, to put it politely. Still, she couldn't help but want to trust a person, 'til they proved otherwise.

Kaylee recalled the first time she realized what Serenity and her crew were all about. She had been on the ship less than a month and they had done a few real cargo runs. Then one day Zoe and the Capt'n came running back to the ship carrying two large sacks of cash with bullets flying all around them from the pursuing posse. Kaylee had been in the cargo bay, checking the Mule when she heard a shout from the Capt'n just as a bullet hit the Mule no more than an inch from her hand. Paralyzed with fright she couldn't even move as more bullets zipped by and struck various parts of the ship. Finally, they were aboard and the ramp was up and Serenity was in the air yet Kaylee still hadn't moved. The Capt'n had rushed right over to her to see if she was hit. Then she just broke down and cried and a rush of anger and questions poured out of her.

She was appalled they were part-time crooks but she couldn't very well leave the ship. There was no place for her to go, except back home, and they were a long way from Taos. The Capt'n sat her down and they made a deal. She'd never have to go on a job, which was good cause she wouldn't be much good anyway, he'd give her fair warning if there was any future such misadventures in the works, and he guaranteed her safety..

Well, the first part of the deal had worked out, and she never went on any jobs, just like Wash, but the last two were harder promises to keep and many a time they were surprised or trouble found them before they found it. Safety wasn't a word that went with the kind of life they led, which was why she had to leave. At first it had been a little bit on the glamorous and adventurous side but the last year, since Simon and River had come on board, more especially after the deaths of Wash and Book, the glamour and adventure had worn off.

Thinking on Wash and Book again got Kaylee thinking on what was to come in Simon's journal. The selling of the Lassiter, the repairs to the ship, the new Mule, the trading post job, the flight from the Reavers, the Maidenhead bar, the return of Inara, the death of Shepherd Book, the search for Miranda, the space battle, and the Reaver fight and the death of Wash.

She sat in the chair, careful not to wake Simon as she got out of bed. She flipped through the journal and saw the pages where he written about those events. The penmanship wasn't as neat on some of the pages, since he had written about the Reaver fight after he had gotten out of the Alliance hospital and as he recovered from his bullet wound, and his hand wasn't as steady. How did he write all that? Commit those horrible events to paper. Then she remembered how he had written on those other horrible events she had already read. He was analyzing, giving details and examining, trying to find out what happened to River, find out how to approach her, expand their relationship, how to deal with the Capt'n and Jayne, and just how to deal with the circumstances he had found himself in, so alien to all he knew in his 27 years before he came on Serenity that fateful day. He wrote because he would have gone crazy if he hadn't. He needed to get it out and his journal was his release from all that had happened. Before she was even fully awake, Kaylee found herself sleepily looking at the journal. After the first sentence she was wide awake.

"I have decided that it is for the best to forsake my feelings for Kaylee. Ruinous is the path that lies ahead for my sister and I and I should not want to drag a woman I love through such perils that lie before us. Her continued attempts to drag out my true feelings are heart wrenching and sometimes I want to break my vow to not carry on a relationship with her. But I can't for both our sakes."

Kaylee looked at Simon, his dark locks fallen over his forehead, his soft snoring making her smile, and wondered at the depths his soul had searched for this course he had chosen soon after the Jubal Early incident. From that time he had become so distant and at times cold to her and for many weeks she despaired that he did not care one bit for her at all. River was her strength in those days, telling her that Simon did care for her, and that he needed time to sort out in his mind what to do. Time! He had almost eight months, what more time did he need! But Kaylee listened to River and did nothing to confront Simon in those weeks. She couldn't help but show interest in him because she was in love with him but she respected what River said and gave him his space, as much as was possible on the cramp confines of Serenity.

"The big score Mal has been dreaming about finally came true, thanks in part to my sister. A man on Paquin heard through Fanty and Mingo that we had the Lassiter and he wanted to purchase it. Mal was very wary of a trap and told him to meet us in high orbit over Paquin. Before they came on board the captain asked that River be present when they talked. I protested that she wasn't a mind reader again but finally Mal confronted me on this and said he knew I was trying to protect her but he wasn't going to throw us off. He also assured me there would be no trouble and just wanted River to decide if the man was being honest or was setting a trap. I reluctantly agreed as long as I could be there also."

"The man's ship docked and he came on board with two bodyguards. We stayed in the cargo bay and everyone was on edge. He was an Oriental, wearing silken robes and bejeweled fingers, with an air of perfume, a bit on the effeminate side. Of wealth he certainly was. His bodyguards were large and carried no visible weapons but I suspect they were not totally unarmed. After brief introductions he asked to see the Lassiter. Mal looked to River and she nodded OK, so out came the precious gun. The buyer ogled and almost drooled as he saw it. After a quick examination to determine its authenticity, he declared it the real thing. He took a case from one of his men and handed it to Mal. The captain looked inside without showing the rest of us, said they had a deal, shook hands with the buyer, and the deal was done. The trio departed with the Lassiter and we were finally rid of it and happier for it. With baited breath we eagerly waited to see how much we got but Mal kept this to himself and retired to his cabin with Zoe. Jayne grumbled that he needed to know how much it was because he was supposed to get a percentage of whatever it was we received."

"That night Mal gave everyone their share and it was a big pile of money, indeed, more than I had seen since my days on Osiris at the hospital. River even got a small amount for helping at the meeting and Mal said he might find some more use for her special talents. Again I protested about this and he said not to worry, maybe we could become more legitimate business people now that we had this big score. Exactly how much Jayne asked and the captain refused to tell him, saying that Jayne received more money today than in the entire two years he was aboard the ship so he had nothing to complain about. Serenity needed an overhaul and the bulk of the money would go toward that."

Kaylee had never seen so much money and didn't care if it was the exact percentage she was owed or not. The first thing she did was ask the Capt'n for some leave time so she could go home and much to her delight he agreed. Kaylee spent a wonderful week with her father and returned to Serenity at the docks on Beaumonde where they began to overhaul the ship. When she returned only the Capt'n, Simon, and River were on board. Jayne had also gone home and came back after two weeks, with some new guns, a big grin, and almost empty pockets. Kaylee knew most of that money went to his family but also suspected he had a really good time in a few less than reputable establishments. Zoe and Wash had also taken off to visit Wash's family and they returned just before Jayne did.

Kaylee felt bad for the Capt'n, Simon and River, having no one to go to. Capt'n's parents were both dead and she knew he had sold his family ranch to buy Serenity so there was no real home for him to go back to on Shadow. Course, Simon and River could go no where near Osiris and weren't even safe coming off ship for just a few hours. She thought about inviting them to Taos to meet her father but it was just too complicated, with her and Simon's situation unresolved and with his constant worries about the Alliance.

"While the others were gone Mal, River and I re-supplied Serenity and got it ready for the changes to be made. During this time I got to know Mal better than before and he let his guard down a bit and told us stories from his youth and the war. However, he still needs to make sure we know he's in charge and that does strain any attempts to be overly friendly with him. River found him lingering in Inara's now empty shuttle and once he mentioned he should contact her about giving her her share of the Lassiter take, but I don't think he ever did wave her. Kaylee is returning tomorrow and I cannot help but be glad. This is the first time in almost eight months that I have not seen her every day and I miss her smile and her sunny disposition."

She knew he had missed her and he had almost hugged her when she arrived back but held himself back at the last instance. She had missed him also, more than she had realized 'til she saw him again. Her father had, in a roundabout way, asked if she was dating and she said she wasn't, which was the truth, but he could sense she wasn't telling the whole truth so she finally told him all about Simon. He knew the name, the doctor who had saved her life when she had been shot, and asked if she loved him and she confessed she did. She had to explain all about Simon and River's situation and he had nothing but admiration for all Simon had done for River. Her father had no advice on what to do, but she felt much better talking to him. She had also waved Inara at the training house and had to wait a day for a reply, Taos being out of direct wave contact. Inara was fine and getting on well, but missed her shuttle, and Kaylee and the others. Kaylee knew who she missed most of all but nothing was said about him.

"We've been making changes to the ship for the last week and all are extremely busy. Kaylee is supervising all the work and I barely see her. The engine has been overhauled and many parts replaced, the cargo bay has gotten a new interior and we have finally found a replacement for the Mule. It's a hovercraft, seating four and with cargo capacity. Kaylee and the captain found it and rode it into the cargo bay without letting us know so it was quite a surprise. Kaylee is in love with the new Mule and spends hours tinkering over it."

It had become her favorite toy. One day when the repairs were almost finished the Capt'n asked her to come with him. She wiped the grease from her hands and face and followed him to the outskirts of town to a vehicle lot. Some were new and some used. She eyed the hovercraft immediately and when the Capt'n saw the look on her face he set to negotiating with the salesman. After a quick test ride, some bills changed hands and Serenity had its new Mule. Then, after that, everything seemed to go downhill again.

"Jobs are becoming scarcer and the Alliance noose seems to be getting tighter on the outer rim. More Alliance patrol ships are about and have to be avoided and even on a few small moons we've seen wanted posters for me and River. This is worse than before and it seems the Alliance search is taking a new direction. River and I have not been off the ship in several weeks and it is maddening. Somehow the word has also gone out to not deal with Serenity. Badger or even the Alliance or both have put a barrier in front of our ability to find work and the captain is growing increasingly frustrated. Almost all our money was spent in overhauling the ship."

The Capt'n had even asked Kaylee if she had any money left and she did and gave it to him for fuel. She said Simon had a lot since he didn't go anywhere but he wasn't quite ready to beg from Simon. Kaylee told him he had it all wrong, that it weren't begging but he just walked away from her. Finally, Simon offered some of his money for the ship's needs and the Capt'n took it but she knew he wouldn't have done so if he had any other choice.

"We have been forced by circumstances to become criminals again. The Lassiter money is mostly gone and now Mal is kicking himself for having spent so lavishly on the ship and the new Mule. A job has come our way, a trading outpost on a rim moon, where a security force payroll is supposed to be in a vault this Sunday, moonside time. I believe Fanty and Mingo have told Mal about this situation. The captain and I are at odds with each other again and it feels like the first days when I came aboard Serenity. He wants to take River on this job and despite my violent protests he persists in doing so."

The Capt'n wanted River on the job so she could sense trouble. Kaylee understood but still didn't like it anymore than Simon did. River wasn't made for fighting, or at least they thought so at that time. Now they knew differently.

"We are on our way to Beaumonde where River and I will finally leave Serenity. The job with the security company payroll went well, up to the point the Reavers arrived. In fact, River may have saved Jayne, Mal, and Zoe since she sensed the Reaver's coming and they managed to get away a minute sooner than they would have. We then pulled off a daring and dangerous recovery of our Mule and shipmates when we had to do a "barn swallow" as Wash called it, to get them inside while being pursued by the Reaver ship. The Mule slid into the cargo bay backwards and the Reaver ship crashed on the ramp, with part of it and one Reaver ending up inside of Serenity. The Reaver was quickly dispatched with. It was the first time I have seen one of them. He was an ordinary human male who had desecrated his flesh, slashing his face and arms in a hideous manner."

Kaylee had come running down the stairs, afraid Simon had been hurt when the Mule came flying into the cargo bay. Then the Reaver stood up and was dead an instant later. It was the first time Kaylee had gotten a close look at one also but it would not, unfortunately, be the last.

"My anger boiled over at the danger River had been placed in and I finally did what I had long to do so many months ago: I struck Captain Reynolds. In the ensuing argument I told him we were leaving the ship and he eagerly agreed. The only one who it seems will miss us is Kaylee. The look on her face told me everything but it is time. In a few hours we will be off the ship."

Simon finally hit the Capt'n and Kaylee had thought it was the end. Again the Capt'n didn't strike back, the second time he hadn't done so, after Shepherd Book. No one seemed to shed any tears over Simon's decision which made it harder for Kaylee to bear. If only Book and Inara had been there, they might have changed the situation. But they were gone and Kaylee had no more support for her desires to have the Tams stay on board. It had always been that way now that she thought on it. The ship had been divided in its opinions on the Tams. While Jayne, the Capt'n, and Zoe, with Wash trailing reluctantly behind, thought they should have been rid of them long ago, Kaylee, Book and Inara never said a harsh word about Simon or River or ever said anything about them leaving. She almost felt like leaving herself. And then the Maidenhead happened.

"I have had a shocking day and my sister's true abilities and all the Alliance have done to her has come to light in a startling way. Much to my amazement we are still on board Serenity and have left Beaumonde. This was not the plan. As the crew left to take off to do some business and have some recreation, I planned to walk around the docks and find another ship to take us somewhere else. We still had a bit of money from the Lassiter job and some money from the recent payroll robbery. I had hoped to find a ship and then return to Serenity for our luggage. No one even said goodbye to us except Kaylee. Had we failed to make one friend among the crew except her? Did they all despise me and my sister so much as to be so rude at the end? Reynolds, I understand, because of my hitting him. Zoe and Wash I didn't understand, especially Wash as we have had many talks together and I saved his wife's life. And how many times had I patched up holes in Jayne? No, he is not my friend in the strictest sense of the word but there was no goodbye, not from any of them besides Kaylee. Her face betrayed her emotions as she said goodbye and gave us some good advice. I wanted to say so much, to tell her all I felt for her but it was all meaningless, as I would never be back, or so I thought."

She had almost broken down on the ramp there as she said goodbye. She wanted to hug him, kiss him, beg him to stay, to apologize to the Capt'n, not to leave her. But the words got stuck and she just had to walk away before she broke down. And then she got angry, angry at the Capt'n for putting Simon and River in such an awful position. She even suspected he may have told Simon to stay away from her but she knew that wasn't true now. They were crew and he had said so himself on many occasions. Simon had saved him, and Zoe, and Kaylee herself. That had to count for something. Kaylee followed the others to the Maidenhead bar and gave the Capt'n a piece of her mind. The crowning zinger was after he had said if he truly wanted someone nothing would stop him from going to her. Kaylee told him to tell that to Inara and stormed off.

"As we examined the electronic notice board with destination of the nearest ship, I noticed Kaylee heading back to Serenity. I had to say something and found my courage and began to follow her. Just as I almost reached her I snapped back to reality and realized River was not with me. I turned and saw her way off in the crowd. The traffic and flow of humanity impeded my progress and I believed she had gone into a bar. As I reached the entrance screams could be heard, and the odd gunshot. I feared the worst and raced in just to see River, surrounded by bodies, Jayne's included, aiming a pistol at Reynolds. The words leaped to my lips before I even realized it or knew I had remembered them. It was a phrase the underground movement taught me in case River had a violent episode. She passed out in an instance. Reynolds picked her up and we quickly made out way back to the ship."

Kaylee was just sitting on the ramp, fuming about all that had happened when suddenly everyone was heading back to the ship. The Capt'n was carrying River, Simon and Wash were helping Jayne and Zoe had her gun out looking around for trouble. The Capt'n yelled for her to get them in the air and before Kaylee had time to ask a question or feel a bit happy she raced off to the engine room and Wash raced for the bridge. After they left Beaumonde the questions came and the Capt'n, Jayne, and Simon tried to explain but it sounded crazy. River beat up a bar full of people? Shot some, stabbed others, knocked out Jayne and almost shot the Capt'n. It was just…crazy! Even Simon didn't know why she had started attacking people. Kaylee was stunned at all this information to digest but she was secretly glad they were back on board. River, however, was handcuffed and locked in the storage closest off the dining room.

"The captain has been in contact with an old friend of theirs, a man who calls himself Mr. Universe, a moniker he no doubt employs because he is wired into the Cortex and the flow of information between the planets is at his fingertips, giving him a God-like complex. How much of this information is useful I have no idea seeing as the Alliance is mostly telling lies these days. What he did know was that River seemed to be triggered by a subliminal message in an advertisement she saw on the vid screen in the Maidenhead. The Alliance is looking for her and used that message to trigger a reaction in her, causing the violent outburst. It is now apparent that they have manipulated the subconscious of her psyche, allowing them to plant pre-programmed commands that can be triggered by these subliminal messages."

River was like a walking weapon, ready for the Alliance to command at their will, as long as she could receive the messages. Aboard a Firefly, barely leaving the ship all those months, they had no way to contact her. How many more were out there like River, unknowing who they were, having been stolen from their families and lives, all for the sake of power and control. Kaylee shuddered at the thought.

"On the vid feed from the Maidenhead, River can be seen saying the word 'Miranda'. Who or what it is we have no idea and neither does River. What happens now, I do not know. Captain Reynolds is at a loss himself, unable to say even why he brought River back on board. He could have left her there and no one would know he even knew her. I am grateful for this one small bit of humanity he has showed. I hope I and the others don't live to regret it. River is dangerous, there is no doubt and perhaps it would have been better to have left us there to face the police and the Alliance."

After all that had come to pass in recent months Kaylee could see the sense of what he had written. All their troubles started from that moment. If the Capt'n had left River, if Simon hadn't walked away to follow her and left River alone, if she hadn't argued with the Capt'n and left the bar, if, too many ifs, it'll drive you crazy thinking on them all. Kaylee looked at next entry in the journal and caught her breath. It was about Haven and Book's death.

"Shepherd Book is dead and there is no time to even weep for him. We have turned our ship into a facsimile of a Reaver ship and we are headed into deep space, to Reaver territory, to Miranda, which is a planet, long forgotten and abandoned. I don't even know how to explain it all, the events of the last day happening in rapid succession. An evil man, an Operative of the Parliament, according to what Shepherd told Mal, is on our trail. I have never heard of an "operative" before, but it seems he is a highly trained tracker and assassin, according to what Mal and Zoe have heard. After our escape from Beaumonde we landed at Haven to take refugee for a spell. Seeing Book and his flock again was good for us all. Haven is a haven. Or at least it was. Serenity landed in one of the deeper mine shafts and the crew left to enjoy the colony's hospitality. I stayed aboard to be close to River."

That had been the last happy time. They had a campfire, some barbecue, and Jayne had played some tunes on a guitar. They had a little to drink and the night air had been cool and refreshing. Kaylee had wished Simon had been at her side but he never left the ship, worrying over River, who was still locked in the storage closet. Suddenly Kaylee felt a little guilty for being happy for those few brief moments while River was still locked up.

"The next morning we received a wave from Inara, whose training house is located on a nearby planet. She asked for some help and immediately Mal sensed a trap and his sixth sense for these matters did not fail him. The Operative was waiting for him and us. After a desperate struggle Mal and Inara managed to escape and we retreated to Haven"

A desperate struggle with the Operative. Kaylee had only seen the man once, a glimpse of him in the Alliance hospital after the battle, and he looked deadly and seemed as cold as ice. The Capt'n beat him, twice, which said a lot for the Capt'n.

"During the voyage to Haven Jayne confronted the captain over why he was still sheltering me and River. The captain had no answer and I can only surmise that his sense of honor is all that is preventing him from turning us over to the Operative. That, or his deep hatred of the Alliance. The argument got out of hand and we feared that Jayne and Mal would come to blows but Zoe intervened and Jayne walked away. Soon after he tried to take River away from Serenity and she knocked him out with heavy can of vegetables. And then she knocked me out."

River had punched him in the throat and kicked him in the head, worried her brother would make her fall asleep again before she could show them that Miranda was a place, a planet. Kaylee went looking for Simon and was stunned to find him lying in the aft corridor out cold and even more stunned to learn River had done it. Kaylee and Inara brought him around with a few gentle slaps to the face. By that time the Capt'n had found River on the bridge and then they all knew the secret of Miranda. River was so much more powerful and intelligent than any of them could have ever imagined.

"River believes that Miranda is a planet and that the secret the Alliance is after is somehow tied with this memory of Miranda. Our return to Haven was not pleasant. The colony had been attacked by a small Alliance gunship, which Shepherd Book managed to shoot down. Tragically, he was mortally wounded by the gunship and everyone else was dead. Even if I had reached Book in time I could not do much for him. The wound had destroyed most of his liver…."

No, she couldn't read that part, not about the Shepherd. Kaylee had wept for him and the others, her friends on Haven, alone in her room, on the voyage to Miranda. She broke down for a long time, just crying and wondering how it would all end. They had turned the ship into a Reaver ship and were going to try to reach Miranda. She mucked up the reactor core so it was just within tolerable safety standards, closed the engine room door and told everyone to stay away. The bodies tied to the nose of the ship had been the hard part, those people being their friends. Shepherd hadn't been one of them. They laid him out in his little house, on his bed, covered him with a blanket and promised to return to give him a proper send off. Then they started on the ship, turning it into…a monstrosity. The Capt'n had been so mad, his blood about to boil out of his skin, he looked like he would have shot any one of them in an instance if they didn't follow his orders. For the first time since she knew him, Kaylee was afraid of him, and she could see why he had been such a fearless leader of men and women in battle.

Kaylee stretched and felt the urge to go to the bathroom. She put on Simon's robe and left and when she returned he was awake, rubbing his eyes and yawning. She sat next to him and gave him a quick kiss and morning hello.

"Busy day ahead,' Kaylee said.

"Yes. Been up long?"

"Yeah. Just can't sleep. Did some reading."

"Oh. How far now?"

"Beaumonde, the Maidenhead. You following me and River getting away. What were you going to say to me?"

He looked at her with a puzzled expression. "Don't rem…oh, yes. I guess I was going to tell you…how I felt…and ask you to come with us…or maybe we would have stayed…I don't know really."

"Wish you had caught me," she said in a sad voice. "Wish River had stayed with you. So much happened because of the Maidenhead. So much pain."

Simon put his arm around her and she knew they were both thinking on the friends they had lost.

"Time to start our day," Simon said finally and they got up and began what could be their last day on Serenity.

Kaylee and Simon joined the others on the bridge after breakfast, looking out the windows at the blue green world of Boros, surrounded by white fluffy clouds. There were two large land masses and plenty of water. Boros was known for farming and provided much for the local planets like Persephone but it was far from the Core and not developed enough to attract much Alliance presence.

"Status?" the Capt'n questioned River.

"All clear. Few transports, no patrol craft, no Alliance wavebands active," she replied in an instant.

"Good," said the Capt'n. "Prepare for landing"

Serenity made for the northern hemisphere of the larger land mass, and soon they could see endless farm fields separated by forests, lakes, rivers, and the odd low mountain range. It was mostly flat and the small towns and farm houses were separate by great distances. There was a rough road net, but nothing as extensive as on other planets they had been. A few large trucks, carrying crops no doubt, traveled the roads, and they picked up a space transport or two but nothing large or fancy. The Lancaster Townships was located in a valley, with a small river running through it and Serenity made for a clump of forest outside the valley proper.

They set down in a small clearing in the forest area and the landing was perfect. After they secured the area, Mal, Zoe, and Kaylee got the Mule ready to go. Mal drove with Zoe in front and Kaylee climbed into the left backseat. Both Zoe and Mal were dressed in their usual brown and were armed. Kaylee was in her overalls with the teddy bear on the knee.

Simon gave Kaylee a quick kiss and passed her the bag with the vid equipment. She told him all would be well but she could see he was worried.

"Be careful," Simon advised.

"I'm with the Capt'n and Zoe. What could go wrong?" she replied and Simon got even more nervous.

"Plenty," was all he said, in a low whisper and Kaylee just chuckled a little, more from nerves than a desire to laugh.

Mal called over Jayne. "Never thought I'd say this but you got the boat."

Jayne grinned. "About time. Been on it two years."

"Now, just cause I said you got the boat don't mean you "own" the boat. "

"Yeah, I . She'll still be here when you get back."

"And so will Simon and River. Right?"

"Course. Hell, why you still got to bring this up?"

Simon and Kaylee shared a worried look as this conversation took place. Simon looked at Jayne with as serious a look as he could muster. "Jayne, we have an understanding, don't we? You leave us in peace, and my sister will stay out of your head."

"Yeah, I got it, gorramit. Just go already!"

The Mule took off and as Kaylee looked back she could see Simon looking at her until the ship was lost in the trees.

They came into the valley where a river was crossed by a wooden bridge. A few farmers were out in their fields and they all stopped what they were doing to watch the strange hovercraft fly by. In the distance was a cluster of buildings and the Mule was heading straight for them. As they progressed more and more people were looking at them from the fields and by the time they reached the edge of town Kaylee could see people heading from the fields toward them.

"Ah, Capt'n?"

"I see them. Guess they ain't never seen one of these before," he replied in a grim voice. "Ain't exactly the entrance I was planning to make."

"They're not armed," said Zoe, her eyes zoned in and wary of all that was going on around them.

The Mule arrived at the buildings and pulled into what looked like the main street. Kaylee got out the vid equipment and started recording. There couldn't have been more than fifteen buildings, none more than two stories, all made of wood, with quaint shapes, glass windows, and simple doors. There were electric lights and wires going to the buildings but none extended to outside the town so Kaylee suspected they had a small generator for local use only. There was only one vehicle on the street and plenty of horses and wagons. Some of the horses grew nervous and bucked when the Mule drove by but mostly they were calm. The people were dressed in simple clothes and were healthy looking and suntanned for the most part. The Mule headed for the one vehicle parked in front of the largest building. Kaylee also noticed a small satellite dish on top of this building and that had to be for comms and a Cortex connection. A small crowd of people followed them.

As soon as Mal parked and let down the Mule brake the questions came flying.

"Fancy machine," from a young boy. "Can I go for a ride?"

"What the hell is this rig?" came from one old timer.

"Where you all from?" from a lady with a baby in her arms. Kaylee smiled at her and looked at the baby as she stepped down. It was a gorgeous little bundle and Kaylee felt a desire to reach out her arms and hold the baby but didn't, not wanting to scare these people.

"From Persephone" she said and Mal looked at her and nodded as he climbed down next to her.

"That's right folks, we're all from Persephone. This here's a hovercraft we drove in from the next township. Take a look but please don't touch," said Mal.

The crowd had gathered round the Mule looking it over and under it. Kaylee kept vidtaping them, enjoying the enthusiasm of the people.

"I don't like this one bit, sir," said Zoe as she climbed down, eyes going every direction looking for trouble.

"They're harmless. Just curious folk,' he answered. Then he looked at the old timer. "Come here to speak to the local mayor, chief, leader, whatever you call him, P.T. Beauregard."

"Yup, this here the right place. P.T. be inside. Don't expect he's taking visitors though," replied the old man in a cracking voice.

"How's that?" Mal asked.

"On account a his leg. P.T. done had an accident a few weeks ago and his leg is broken and didn't set well. We ain't got no doctor and he's in an awful state. Called for one from 'nother township but ain't seen hide nor hair a him yet."

Mal looked at Zoe. "This might work after all."

He turned back to the old timer. "Be much obliged if you tell P.T. that Malcolm Reynolds is here and wants a word. Tell him I also got some medical aid if he needs it."

"It's almost ten. Suspects he's drunk already but I'll tell him," said the old timer and he shuffled off into the large building.

Kaylee came over next to Mal and Zoe. "What's going on Capt'n?

"We're about to find out."

They waited a minute, nodded politely to the folks and answered some more simple questions. The old timer returned and nodded inside.

"He called me a liar at first, said Malcolm Reynolds never come to this backwater, then asked me who was with you. I said a fierce looking woman with steely eyes was at your side and a fresh faced young beauty was taking pictures." Kaylee blushed as he said this. "Then he just nodded and told me to tell you to come in. Guess he does know you, young feller."

"Appreciate it, my friend," Mal said. He handed the old timer a few coins. "Be obliged you keep an eye on my machine here."

The old man looked at the coins and handed them back. "Ain't much use for money out here. You keep it. I'll watch your machine." Mal just nodded and pocketed the coins again and turned to go inside.

"That's so kind," said Kaylee and then she followed the others inside.

It was immediately clear that this was some kind of administrative building, but it was as low tech as could be possible. On the first floor were some desks with people, mostly woman, sitting and looking over papers, but they had no Cortex screens or computers and were doing everything by hand. One desk said Treasurer, another said Agricultural Department, and a third said Administration. Kaylee also noticed that there were no wanted posters and nothing that resembled Alliance, police, or a jail.

A huge safe with two armed men in front of it was at the back of the room. As the trio walked to a stairway to the second floor everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at them. Kaylee got a very uncomfortable feeling about all this. A third armed man stopped them at the foot of the stairs

"P.T. said to take any guns you got," he said in a low cold voice.

Zoe looked at Mal and he just nodded and took out his pistol and handed it over. "I expects to be getting that back as I gave it."

"Not to worry," said the man as he also took Zoe's gun. He laid the guns on a table and then looked at Kaylee.

"Oh, no, sir, me and guns we don't get along so good," she said in a nervous voice.

"All right. Man see you now." And he led them upstairs.

The second floor was mostly empty, with a few book shelves, a small bed in one corner, and a small wardrobe. P.T. Beauregard was sitting behind a desk near the front windows, his left leg propped up on some pillows on another chair and a whiskey bottle and several glasses were on an almost bare desk in front of him. Also on the desk were a pistol and a Cortex screen, the only one Kaylee had seen so far.

Beauregard was a thin wiry man, in his early 40s Kaylee ventured, with curly black hair going bald, and with a big droopy moustache like their friend Monty had. He worn a neat grey suit with an open collar and had nice cuff links and a rose in his label. He also worn wire rimmed glasses and could have passed as a school teacher except for the two inch scar on his left cheek which was deathly pale next to his tanned features. It gave his features a sort of menacing cast and Kaylee was a trifle frightened

His face was also a mask of pain and Kaylee could instantly see why. His left pants leg was cut open and his leg was at an odd angle and was wrapped in bandages and Kaylee could see blood and something green and yellow on the bandages. He drank a shot of whiskey just as they got to his desk and immediately began to pour another.

"Malcolm Reynolds," he said in a weak raspy voice. "Last person I expected to see on Boros. Come to kill me? Well, you're too late. Be dead in a week anyways."

"Ain't here to kill no one P.T. Last time we met I might have done so, but them days is long past. I see you is in bad shape here."

He grunted. "That I am. Join me for a drink?"

"Can't say no to that," Mal replied and as Beauregard poured they sat down in some nearby chairs.

"Zoe?" he said looking at her through his heavy eyelids. "That old timer, Old Pete, said a 'steely eyed woman'. That you? "

"Yeah, P.T., its me. Can't say I'm glad to see you," she replied with a trace of venom, eyeing the pistol on the desk.

"Same old Zoe," he said as they picked up their glasses.

"And this here's Kaylee Frye, my mechanic," Mal said as way of introduction.

"Hi," said Kaylee in a nervous voice. "Nice to ah…make…your…hi."

He chuckled. "Howdy. A toast. To meeting old...enemies I guess."

Mal even laughed at that and they drank, Kaylee just taking a sip, whiskey not much to her liking.

"Mechanic are you?" Beauregard said looking at her with bloodshot eyes.

"Yes sir," she replied.

"Best in the verse," said Mal and Kaylee just grinned.

"Got me a vehicle down on the street, only one in town, been given me nothing but trouble, same as this leg. Care to take a look at it?"

"Sure. Just need to get my tools later, be happy to."

"Much obliged, not that I'll be needing it much longer," he said and poured himself another drink and more for Mal and Zoe.

"Now to business," said Mal as he drank some more. "We're here on account of that wave you sent looking for medical personnel."

Beauregard's eyes got a bit brighter as Mal said this. "Old Pete, he said you had some medical aid. What's it all about?"

"Got us a doctor on Serenity," Mal said. "And he's looking for a new home, for him, his wife and his sister."

There it was, out in the open, and Kaylee just held her breath, waiting for his reply.

"You got a doctor? A real doctor?' Beauregard said in a weak, unbelieving voice.

"Alliance trained, brilliant fellow, fixed my crew up plenty of times," answered Mal and Kaylee felt proud of Simon again, and even the Capt'n and all his ups and downs with Simon couldn't ignore the fact that Simon was good at what he did.

"What's fellow like that doing on an old Firefly?" and he was immediately suspicious.

"Well, that brings us to the part that might mean difference 'tween life and death for you and some others. Him and his sister is wanted by the Alliance."

Beauregard just grunted and smiled a bit. "Hell, so am I and so are you I imagine."

Kaylee was confused. "Sorry sir, but if the Alliance is after you how do you get to be in charge here?"

"Cause ain't no Alliance here and we don't want them. I'm in charge cause these farmers asked me to be. See, this here's my hometown."

"And a mighty fine town it is," said Mal. "Now, this here doctor and his sister is wanted fugitives. He's looking to settle down, start a family with his wife, and is looking for a place to work and a place to lay low. Think you can provide all that?"

Beauregard looked at his leg and then turned to them. "He can save my leg, I'd be obliged rest of my life."

Kaylee felt a warm flood of relief flowing through her body. "He can do it, he's the best. He once re-attached a whole leg."

"That a fact?" said Beauregard. "And what would his name be?"


	17. Chapter 17 Serenity (BDM) 2

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 17 – Serenity (BDM) 2**

Kaylee was about to say Simon's name when she caught a look from the Capt'n.

"No need to know his name just yet," said Mal quickly. "Got a need to trust you first. These folks like family to me and if you got any inkling to turn them in for the price placed on their heads, I'll be seeing you at the end of a gun barrel next time."

Beauregard just nodded. "He fixes my leg, he and his kin got no worries, and I don't care for no stinking Alliance reward."

Zoe gave him one of her steely eyed looks. "Money has way of changing people's minds. It's a lot."

"Well, seeing as I have the only Cortex screen in town and there ain't no Alliance authority about, no one but me will know about their past."

Mal was suspicious. "You're making this a lot easier than I conjured you would. That leg and that whiskey seem to have gotten to your head, P.T."

He just grimaced in pain. "See that bed over there?" He pointed to the small cot in the corner. "That's where I sleep, if I can. Horse threw me ten days ago and I wish I could cut that leg off, the agony it's giving me. My thieving days and killing days is long past. And remember, we three wore the same color in the war. We had our differences in the past Mal, but I ain't in no position to be refusing any help you got. I'll see I hold up my end of the deal if this doctor does his."

"What about the other folks?" Zoe asked.

"Can't vouch for all of them but most are decent hard working people," Beauregard started. "We need a doctor, that's for sure, and they'll be grateful if he stays."

"Fair enough," said Mal and then he took out his communicator.

"Serenity, this is the Captain. Bring the boat in closer to town, land near the river just outside. Tell the doc to get ready for a patient."

Serenity landed nearby and soon after they returned with Beauregard with them. His men and Mal had to carry him downstairs and he was in agony the whole time. Kaylee quietly said to Zoe that Simon could have come to give him something for the pain but she said no, not till they had a look around town were Simon or River to get off the boat.

When they arrived, Kaylee leaped off the Mule and raced ahead of the others to the infirmary to explain what was going on to Simon. He was full of worry, thinking one of them had been hurt but Kaylee put his mind at ease. The Capt'n came and got a stretcher and he and Simon went to the cargo bay. They returned a few minutes later with Beauregard, followed by one his men, the one who had taken their guns back in town.

Mal looked at this man and said, "Be much obliged you give me your gun now."

He hesitated a second and then looked at his boss and Beauregard nodded his assent. The man reluctantly handed over his pistol which Mal took and passed to Zoe, who promised to return it when he left Serenity.

"You the doctor?" Beauregard asked Simon, his eyes filled with pain and what Kaylee thought was hope.

"Yes. Now lie still and let me look at your leg."

Simon got one look at Beauregard's leg and Kaylee saw he was instantly concerned. He set to work, putting Beauregard to sleep and began unwrapping the bandages around his leg. Kaylee almost fainted at the sight of the leg, twisted oddly, and with a large gash where the bone had broken the skin just below the knee. The gash hadn't healed properly and was full of yellow and green pus. Kaylee couldn't stand the sight and ran out of the infirmary toward the fresh air of the cargo bay.

A large crowd had gathered, word having spread of the new arrivals and that their leader was being tended to by a real doctor. Folks kept coming up to the ship and asking if it was true, was there a doctor on board. Zoe, Jayne, Kaylee, and Inara couldn't deny the fact since the word was already out. Several people asked to see the doctor and Kaylee and Inara took them on board, found some crates for them to rest on, and asked what their problems were and began to take notes for Simon. Zoe wasn't liking this one bit and was on her guard but Kaylee and Inara didn't care; these people needed Simon's help so he was going to give it.

Farmers also brought their goods out and Jayne was standing on the ramp with a big grin, buying apples and pears, corn, lettuce, potatoes and carrots, fresh bread, eggs, slabs of ham and beef, gallons of fresh milk, bricks of cheese and butter, and everything else he wanted with his money from the Harrow payoff. They also had a good laugh when someone tried to sell Jayne a live pig. Jayne joked with the man and said he wanted a pet pig, but Zoe put a stop to that, saying the pig would have to live in Jayne's bunk and two pigs in one bunk was one too many.

Jayne also took a young fellow aside and Kaylee, being busy talking to people about their health problems, couldn't hear what they were talking about, but Jayne was waving money at him and the fellow was just staring at it and nodding and then he and Jayne just took off and nothing Zoe said or threatened could get him to turn around. Inara just said "a woman" and Kaylee knew in an instance that Jayne had corrupted some poor farm boy into being his pimp or at least to lead him toward the nearest whorehouse.

A long time later Simon and Mal came out to the cargo bay and all the people looked at them expectantly. Old Pete was among them, wanting Simon to check his rheumatism.

"He gonna make it, young doctor?" Old Pete asked for them all.

"Ah, appears so. The leg has been reset and I have given him anti-biotics for the infection, so we'll just need to wait."

Everyone thanked him and looked at him with extreme gratitude. Kaylee smiled brightly at her husband. "Got some more folks for you, Doctor."

Everyone stared expectantly at him and he just turned to Mal and the captain said "Don't let me get in your way, Doctor." With that Simon, Inara and Kaylee set to work to help the people as best they could. Most just had aches and pains, with a few odd cuts and infections. Simon did what he could for them, passed out what medicine he had and advice he could give. One young girl was pregnant and Kaylee was surprised to find she was only 16 and married. Kaylee talked a long time with her about her pregnancy and how she felt. More and more Kaylee wanted to have a baby of her own.

Lunch was sandwiches and salad prepared by Zoe and River with the foodstuffs Jayne had bought. Many of the people had left except for Beauregard's man who stayed near his boss to keep an eye on him and in case they needed anything. Kaylee and River sat on the cargo bay ramp and ate their sandwiches, looking at the gurgling river nearby, the fields and the town in the distance.

"It's a nice place,' said River. "So green and the air is so fresh. Lots of room."

"It's beautiful," said Kaylee and they looked at each other and at the same time said. "I want to stay." And then they broke out into a fit of giggles and Kaylee felt happier than she had in a long time.

"Things are going our way," said Simon as he joined them.

"Seems to be," Kaylee replied. "P.T. holds up his end of the deal, we can stay."

"Bit of a coincidence him getting hurt just before we arrive and need his help," Simon said and he sounded a bit suspicious.

"Just time for us to be lucky for a change," Kaylee replied and then immediately checked herself. "Not that him getting hurt is lucky, I mean not for him, I mean for us maybe but…that didn't sound right."

"I know you don't like to see anyone get hurt but we can't deny that his misfortune is lucky for us," said Simon and Kaylee knew that's what she wanted to say. Sometimes he could be so articulate and other times, well…but that was mostly in the past now.

"When he wakes up I need to see him," said River calmly.

"Yes," answered Simon. 'Find out his true intentions."

"I think he's honest," Kaylee offered. "But Capt'n says he's got a history of not being so."

"We'll always need to be on our guard," Simon replied in a serious tone. "He heals up maybe he'll change his mind. People can be corrupted by money, even people we thought we could trust." And they all knew who he was referring to.

"We ain't got many choices out here," Kaylee said quietly, feeling again like she was at a crossroads and had to make that final choice and begin a new journey or stay on the same path.

"No, we don't," Simon said. "This or Serenity?"

"This," said River right away and Kaylee could sense her enthusiasm and wondered if it was only because she had been locked up in Serenity for the best part of a year now that this place, any place at all, would seem like paradise in comparison. Kaylee turned to Simon and he was pensive, staring off over the fields and the town of Lancaster and finally he spoke. "It's not Osiris or even Persephone. But it'll do. For now, this."

Kaylee hesitated and looked back at the ship and all that it meant to her and then out at the fields and town, the bubbling stream, the valley, the hills, the sun in the blue sky, and then she remembered the pregnant girl and the honest faces of the people and Old Pete and finally turned to Simon and said, "This for me, too." All three held each others gaze looking from one to the other and Kaylee felt the warmth and the love from her two best friends in the verse.

"Jayne ain't back yet?" said Mal as he approached them.

"Nope Capt'n. Expects we won't see him till morning."

"He's getting on my last nerve," Mal replied. "Taking off like that in a strange town. He gets in trouble we…well…guess we gotta go get him."

"I won't miss him," said Simon very quietly.

"No, suppose you and him never became best of friends," said Mal. "Guess me and you neither, Doc."

Kaylee was stun that the Capt'n brought this up. "Capt'n, Simon ain't been unfriendly to you."

"No, but I was to him," said Mal quietly and Simon and Kaylee shared a surprised look.

"Mal, I don't have any hard feelings over anything that happened. All that is in the past," Simon replied after a few moments.

"Suppose so," was all Mal said and the two men looked at each other and Kaylee saw the respect they held for each other, respect that didn't need to be said in words. The four of them stared off at the river and town for a few seconds, just enjoying the peace of the scenery.

"Guess we best talk on what's to come," Mal said at last. "What do you all think of this place?"

"A bit…quaint," was all Simon said and what he really meant was backward and rustic but Kaylee knew he'd get used to it.

"It's wonderful," said River, closing her eyes and breathing the air.

"We want to stay,' said Kaylee with conviction. 'All three of us have decided." And she looked at her Capt'n and he just nodded and Kaylee knew he knew it was finally over, the unspoken struggle to get her and the others to stay.

Zoe appeared just then. "Ready, sir?"

Mal nodded and looked to Kaylee. "We're gonna take a walk about, check things more carefully, get a feel for the place. Guess we'll drag Jayne outta whatever bed he's in. You got the boat little Kaylee."

"Yes, Capt'n," she said and knew it might be the last time he ever said that to her.

"Close the ramp, don't let no one else on board and make sure that friend of Beauregard's don't go wandering about the boat. Stay by the radio River case we need help or a fast get away."

"Expecting trouble, Mal?" Simon asked, a bit concerned.

"No. But better safe than sorry." With that he and Zoe walked off and Kaylee closed the ramp.

After they left Simon went to check on his patient and Kaylee also brought Beauregard's man some lunch. He stayed by his unconscious bosses' side in the infirmary, eating a ham and cheese sandwich and a glass of water which he thanked Kaylee for.

Kaylee looked at Beauregard as Simon checked his vitals. She turned to the man eating the sandwich.

"He got any family?" Kaylee asked in a shy voice.

The man looked at her slowly and thought a moment and then spoke. "He came back here two years ago from Beaumonde cause his momma was dieing. Folks asked him to stay on after she passed and run things so he said he was tired of his old life, took over the family farm and now makes sure folks get fair price for their goods and trouble makers stay away. Heard tell he had a wife somewhere, but she ain't here. Maybe on Beaumonde. Might be a cousin or uncle somewhere on Boros, but not in Lancaster."

"That's too bad. Everyone needs family," she said. She turned and Simon was looking at her with adoration and she felt his love pass silently to her. She blushed a bit and then told him she was going to check on River and Inara. And the boat, cause she was in charge.

Inara was busy in the kitchen putting away the food they bought so Kaylee helped her and then Inara went to take a rest. Kaylee showed River the vids from the town as they sat on the bridge later, both commenting on how small it was, but also quiet and that's what they needed, at least for a time. Kaylee did a walk about the ship and everything was in order so she went off to her room after checking in on Simon and making sure all was well. She found herself curled up on the bed with the journal in her hands once again and decided to finish reading as much as she could because the next few days and weeks would be an extremely busy time for her and the others.

The last part she had read was about Shepherd Book's death. Then there was a gap of two weeks and she knew she had come to the worse parts of the past year and steeled her heart for what was to come. His writing was shaky but still legible and she knew he had written this while he was still recovering from his wounds.

"I don't know how I can write anymore…sometimes I feel like it has all been a dream, a nightmare. I am lying in my room on Serenity after being transferred here from a hospital run by the Alliance. They aren't arresting me or trying to kill me. In fact, they have treated my wounds. We found Miranda, we found the secret River had, and we found hell in the form of the Reavers."

"Our run through Reaver space, while terrifying, was successful and we managed to pass by without being attacked. The world of Miranda lay before us. Wash picked up some kind of beacon but no other electrical activity was present. As we flew over the land we saw that it was perfectly normal, with no volcanic activity or other instabilities. We also saw cities and towns, farms and machinery lying about. We landed near the beacon and after a quick recon to establish that the air was breathable, all eight of us made out way toward the source of the beacon. As we progressed with care, we discovered hundreds of dead bodies, all resting peacefully, decomposed and dead but with no visible cause of death. Some even appeared to have just fallen asleep. It was horrifying and mysterious at the same time. Why had we never heard of Miranda? Why was there no information about it on the Cortex? What was the big secret the Alliance was trying to hide? Why had all these people died?"

Those bodies, all that horror, came back to Kaylee and she closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. Then they found the beacon and it got much worse.

"The beacon was from a search and rescue team sent to find out what was happening on Miranda. The team was all dead but they left a vid recording of what had taken place. It was fascinating and hideous. I guess the whole galaxy has seen it by now, a woman describing what happened and then being eaten alive by Reavers. And that was the secret, the Alliance, in their attempt to pacify this world by putting chemicals into the atmosphere, had murdered 30 million people and turned the survivors into Reavers. They are the by product of this experiment in pacification, a small percent of Miranda's population who had the complete opposite reaction to the chemicals, turning into ultra violent raving psychotics"

"The chemical, G-23 Paxilon Hydroclorate, is normally used in urban pacification for riot control and in some prisons and mental institutions for extremely violent offenders. It is quite safe and has been used for years. But here, on Miranda, they must have used a derivative of the chemical as it has made the people extremely passive to the point where they did not ever try to work or eat or survive.. Book's and Wash's deaths have been like a knife to the heart for me and the crew. But 30 million dead? I cannot even comprehend these numbers. It's genocide on a scale not seen since the wars and famines of the mid-twentieth century on Earth That Was, if the history books are accurate."

Genocide. The massacre of a people. Maybe the government or leaders or someone on Miranda agreed to or were forced to use their planet as a testing ground but Kaylee knew most of the people had no idea what was going on. They didn't want to be made "better". They didn't ask the Alliance to add the paxilon hydroclorate to the atmosphere. They just did it. And killed everyone. Almost everyone.

"We contacted Mr. Universe to use his facilities to broadcast to the whole galaxy the vid recording made by the search and rescue team. Mal wanted the verse to know what the Alliance had done and the crew was behind him. We didn't yet know what the price would be. Perhaps we would have decided to run and hide if we had."

The Capt'n had made an inspirational speech to the crew and no one protested. Perhaps they should have said something, gone through Reaver space again and then just run out there, in the black, hid until that Operative died or gave up. But it wasn't the Capt'n's way and they went into that fight with all good intentions.

"We left Miranda and headed to Mr. Universe's little ion-cloud shrouded moon. As we passed through Reaver space, Mal was suited up and went on top of the ship to fire a gun we had mounted there, the same one Shepherd Book had used to shoot down the Alliance gunship on Haven. Mal started firing that gun at the Reavers and that brought the wraith of the whole Reaver fleet on us. They chased us all the way to Mr. Universe's moon where Mal had figured the Operative would be waiting for us. And lucky for us he was correct and had a whole fleet with him because we were barely ahead of the Reaver fleet and they would have caught us eventually. I think it was rather a bold move on the captain's part, daring the Reavers to chase us based on the assumption that the Operative had already found Mr. Universe and was waiting for us. Mr. Universe wasn't exactly hiding who he was, but for the Operative to be there waiting was a bold stroke of luck on our part as things turned out."

Luck? What the hell…? The Operative was their enemy! He killed Mr. Universe and he sent the ship that destroyed Haven. Luck that he and his fleet were waiting for them? Did it make sense? Kaylee thought on it. What would have happened if there had been no Alliance fleet in the sky over the moon? The Reavers would have caught them and they would be dead now, dead in a most horrific way. Maybe it was luck. Kaylee liked to think the Capt'n knew all along what would happen. But then again, that was giving him a bit too much credit.

"We flew out of the ion cloud into the middle of at least twenty Alliance ships. The Reavers followed us and a massive space battle just above the moon's inner atmosphere began. I didn't see much of the space battle, trying to get Kaylee from the engine room and trying to get her and the others seated and strapped in as the things went very badly for Serenity."

Their artificial gravity kept them safe while in space and Wash was dancing a ballet around Alliance cruisers, Reaver ships, rockets and laser blasts but as soon as they hit atmo and planet side gravity began to take over everything went topsy-turvy. Then a massive EMP bolt hit the ship and right away Kaylee knew what it was, her electronic boards and systems in the engine room going haywire, a small fire starting and then Simon was at her side, dragging her away to find a secure seat in the dining lounge.

"We spun through the air like a rock and my stomach did flip flops and my brain screamed in despair and we all thought we were going to die. Wash by some miracle restored enough power to make a landing but it was rough. While in the hospital Kaylee had come to see me and told me all the damage that was done to Serenity. The landing gear tore off, one VTOL engine was sheered away and the rest of the ship was dented and ripped in a dozen places. Not to mentioned the mess that all the shaking and bouncing did to the inside of the ship and its systems. After Wash managed to save us from both the Reavers and the Alliance, he died, in a horrific way. We didn't know until later how he had died and I don't think Zoe or Mal have told the other crew yet, but Mal told me what happened as we lay next to each other in the hospital. Mal, Zoe and Jayne, and I were the only ones requiring extended hospitalization. I hadn't wanted to ask Mal what had happened but I had to know and he understood. A Reaver ship fired a wooden stake through the cockpit window and impaled him to his pilot's seat."

God. It was so…awful, Kaylee couldn't imagine. Poor Wash! And Zoe and the Capt'n had seen him die. She knew now how he had died, had known for some time, but when she first heard it, it was too unreal, Wash dead, killed by a stake through the body. Absolutely shocking. Kaylee didn't know why but Wash's death had hit her harder than her mother's or Shepherd Book's. She knew her mother was going to die, knew for many weeks, but it was still so very difficult to deal with and Kaylee thought she'd never get over it and maybe she still hadn't.. Shepherd Book's death was heart wrenching but he was older and when an elderly person passes, no matter how, there is a sense that they have had a good life and accomplished much, and it is easier to let go. But when the young die, and the young often die in unexpected, violent, and horrible ways, that's the hardest. And Wash had been so young and full of life. And now he was gone.

"The captain and Zoe raced out of the bridge and told us to arm ourselves. We went straight to the cargo bay and to the weapons locker under the stairs and soon everyone had a weapon or two. The ramp came down and we dashed into the complex, expecting Reavers or the Alliance at any second. As the captain and Zoe made their plan of defense Kaylee realized that Wash wasn't with us. Zoe simply told us he wasn't coming and that's how the rest of us found out our beloved pilot was dead."

"He ain't coming," was all she said and in those few words conveyed the horrible news that her husband was dead.

"We didn't have any time to grieve because soon the enemy would be upon us. As we prepared our defense, River started having an episode, with the rage of the Reavers consuming her mind. I had no time to deal with her, no time to deal with anything except to prepare my weapon and have my med kit standing by to treat any wounds. We needed to draw the Reavers to us, to keep them away from the captain while he went to give Mr. Universe the vid recording to broadcast. Unknown to us, Mr. Universe was already dead and most his broadcasting equipment destroyed."

Stabbed with a sword. But he had a backup unit which the Capt'n found about. And the Operative was waiting for him. Kaylee never understood all that. If the Operative knew about the backup unit why didn't he destroy it, too? The Capt'n got the info from Mr. Universe's love bot so maybe the Operative did too and didn't know about the backup until later. The Capt'n' figured he had been on his cruiser during the battle and had landed after Serenity got past him. But no one knew for sure exactly what happened to the Operative or how he came to be at the back up unit.

"As we waited for the Reaver onslaught I had a moment where I suddenly knew I had to say something to Kaylee…"

Oh, here it was! At last!

"We were crouching behind some crates, waiting for death, and Kaylee was starting to lose control of her fears and if that had happened she would have been lost to us as a defender. I had to say something to give her hope and I had to tell her how I felt and then in an instance I knew I had come to that place where there was no reason not to say anything to her. I finally confessed to her that my only regret was never being with her. She asked if I meant "as in sex" and of course I did mean that and a whole lot more. There was an instant change in her attitude and she suddenly had a very good reason to live and found heart in knowing that I wanted to be with her. I had no time to say anymore or to even give her the kiss I so badly wanted to give her as the Reaver onslaught was upon us."

Oh God, she had felt so stupid the instant after she had said "as in sex". It had come out the wrong way, but Simon had been so indirect with her in so many conversations she just had to make sure he was saying what she thought he was saying and to her joy he was. She had wanted to say more but there was no time. But he had said he wanted to be with her and Kaylee did find heart in that moment, thinking she was going to die and then she had all the reasons in the 'verse to live.

"The Reaver's had a mix of weapons, guns, swords, missiles, and of course themselves. Immediately Zoe became a casualty as she left the barrier we had erected and began a one woman assault on the things that had killed her man. She was doing well, but we could not fire to help her for fear of hitting her. Then a Reaver sword stroke sliced open her back and she went down. Accurate fire from Jayne and Inara killed the Reavers and Jayne managed to drag Zoe back to behind the barrier. The cut was long but did not injure her spine so I applied a quick drying liquid bandage and we got back into the fight. Then Kaylee was hurt and my heart skipped a few beats as I rushed to her side. Three darts struck her in the neck, on the left side and she immediately began to go into a paralytic shock. I believe they were a poison of some sort."

Gosh, he remembered so much. The battle was all a blur to Kaylee. She thought she had killed at least one Reaver and remembered firing her gun, remembered Zoe getting hurt, but then she had been hit by those darts. It was like someone had punched her in the neck. Simon was quickly at her side, ripping out the darts but some poison had already gotten into her blood and she began to feel her body go numb. She had thought they were all going to die at that point.

"Jayne was also wounded in the shoulder somewhere at this point and our defenses began to collapse. One of the Reavers broke through and attacked Inara but I threw him off her and killed him. More accurate fire from Jayne and Zoe brought us a brief respite and we managed to get behind a series of blast doors that Kaylee had rigged to close behind us. Unfortunately they didn't close."

That had been her job and Kaylee still felt bad that she had somehow made a mistake. Simon had carried her and lay her down on a crate behind the blast doors. Then the nightmare became much worse as Simon was shot. It seemed unreal, the shot loud in the corridor, his body flying backwards and all Kaylee could think of was he's going to die just as we finally got to that place I wanted to be for so long and it was her fault caused she screwed up rigging the doors.

"As I realized I had forgotten my medical bag a bullet struck my lower left body, just below my ribcage. I was flung back and collapsed. There was no pain at first, only shock and a sensation of numbness on my left side. Inara was quickly beside me and I searched out for Kaylee and my sister."

Kaylee's mind had refused to believe it, not now, not after he had finally said what she had wanted him to say all these months. He just fell and she knew he was hurt and she prayed for him to be strong, to be alive, to survive. She had craned her neck around trying to see him, to see what happened, but her body had been going numb and she couldn't even see his face.

"I really thought I was going to die, the pain began to come in waves, and I told River I was sorry to leave her. Then she suddenly became the weapon again. There was no trigger, no subliminal message. She saw me hurt and the others in peril and she turned it on herself. Later, she told me she did not know how she did it, it just happened. All her fears were gone in an instant and she knew what she had to do. She leaped back through those blast doors, retrieved my medical bag and closed the doors. The last we saw of her she was being dragged away by the Reavers and I thought she was about to die. But the Alliance, in their infinite wisdom, trained my sister to be an assassin, a killing machine who was more than a match for dozens of Reavers."

"As we could do nothing to help River, I began to instruct Inara, who was the only uninjured member of our team, in first aid for everyone, including myself. She gave Kaylee a shot to counteract the poison I suspected was in her system, and gave a shot of adrenaline to myself to prevent my heart from going into arrest from the trauma I had suffered. She checked Zoe's back bandage and it was in good condition and tried to look at Jayne but he just said it was nothing."

Kaylee worried she'd be paralyzed for life but as the medicine Inara gave went into her bloodstream she had some sensation returning to her limbs. Not enough to get up but she knew the medication was working.

"While we had been fighting for our lives Mal had been fighting for his, waging a vicious hand to hand battle with the Operative at the lower broadcast station. Both men suffered severe injuries, with the captain receiving a stab wound through his left side and multiple contusions, cuts, and at least three broken ribs. I do not know the full extent of the Operative's injuries but he lay for at least a day in the hospital and was in visible agony as he walked about with a limp while giving orders in a hoarse voice in the days that followed. Mal did get the message out, broadcast the truth about Miranda to the galaxy, and the repercussions of this are as yet unknown to us. River, to our utter astonishment, survived her assault on the Reavers, and she literally saved me and our wounded comrades from a fate too horrid to contemplate."

River had saved them, the Capt'n broadcast the message but then came a moment of uncertainty as Alliance soldiers, their blood up, came bursting into the area, ready to kill them until the Operative told them to stand down. A long moment of uneasiness followed until the Capt'n demanded medical aid for his people, to which the Operative assented. The rest was very confusing for Kaylee. She remembered her and Simon being taken away on stretchers, a tent with doctors and blood and burnt and wounded Alliance people, and the looks of hatred they all sent her way. Simon disappeared into a closed off area and Kaylee was lain on the floor. Inara was at her side as was River. The Capt'n staggered into the tent and then collapsed and he was quickly moved off to have surgery also. Jayne sat on a crate and let a medic look at his shoulder, growling the whole time, eyes darting everywhere, looking for signs of trouble, until he too went in for surgery to remove the bullet from his shoulder, a surgery that wasn't quite a success as they had recently found out. Zoe refused medical attention at first and she and Inara went off to look at Serenity and to take care of Wash.

"I do not remember much of what happened next. Kaylee told me I was taken into an operating tent where I assume the bullet was removed. I awoke in a bed in a building that was converted to a temporary hospital. The first person I saw when I awoke was my sister and her smile was like sunshine for my soul. Next to her was Kaylee and both my ladies were safe and that was enough for the moment as I passed out again. Sometime later I awoke again and it was nighttime. Around me in other beds were Jayne, Zoe, and Mal. Kaylee was asleep in a chair next to my bed and River was asleep also, draped over the foot of my bed. Inara was sitting by Mal and as she saw me awake she came over and filled me in all that had happened. Wash was definitely dead and when I asked how she just shook her head and could not go on."

"She said Kaylee had only been in bed for one day and then was fine. At that point Kaylee awoke and came over and gave me a big kiss, our first real kiss and it felt wonderful, even through my fog of pain, drugs, and confusion. Inara just smiled but it was forced and then I saw why. Our little corner of this building had several guards. Kaylee said they were there to protect us, on orders from the Operative, because many of the Alliance survivors of the attack found out who we were and wanted us dead to avenge their many losses from the Reavers. The Operative was still in charge and he was protecting us. My mind could not grasp this change of events and my injuries were painful and my mind clouded with confusion."

Those were the terrible days, Kaylee remembered, not knowing what would happen from moment to moment. She had been able to move and walk on the second day and then went to the side of her comrades. Jayne only stayed in bed for two nights then got up, restless, and went off to Serenity. Zoe followed the next day and they secretly brought in a few guns which were hidden under Simon and the Capt'n's mattress, just in case the Operative changed his mind or lost control of the situation. Kaylee went out with them to start the clean up of the ship and it was a mess. She went around and wrote down every problem and she despaired at all that was wrong with her lovely lady. The Capt'n sat in his bed and read and re-read the list and his face got a look of despair and he just shook his head and handed the paper back to Kaylee.

But the next morning he seemed to have regained hope and he gathered them all around his bed and put it to them: fix Serenity or abandon her. As one they all agreed to fix their home and he started barking orders again and after a few seconds just flung his blanket aside and demanded his clothing. He needed a bit of help because of his broken ribs but after he was ready they walked out of the hospital, all except Simon, who couldn't move yet and River who refused to leave his side. The Capt'n ordered Jayne to stay behind to protect the Tams in case of trouble. And then he saw the ship and his face got that look of despair for just a second but it passed and he turned to her and said "OK, little Kaylee, you're in charge. What do we need and what needs to be done." After she told him everything he got on the Cortex and waved everyone they knew and called in every favor owed him, begged and borrowed the money and parts.

She saw him talking to the Operative one morning and overheard him say that the Alliance would have no part in repairing his ship and they were on their own. A local operator of a ship dock and scrap yard had been a friend of Mr. Universe and he sympathized with their plight and helped them move the ship from its crash position to his dock and asked for no payment. He secretly thanked them also; what with all the crashed Alliance and Reaver ships nearby he was making a mint on salvages the Alliance was paying him for. He even managed to get some parts off those ships without his Alliance watch dogs discovering and they found their way into Kaylee's hands and into Serenity. That was the big step, the most important one and from then they worked like dogs for a month to get everything back in shape. And Kaylee finally had that moment she had wanted with Simon for so long.

"My last night in the hospital Kaylee and I finally consummated our relationship. She has been tending me since I was wounded. She came one night, when it was real quiet and all the others had gone and she finally reminded me of the words I said to her just before the battle. As she spoke on this memory she drew the curtains around my bed and slowly started taking off her clothes. I protested that I was still hurt, that it was a public place and the guards were still nearby, but she just came to the side of my bed, kissed me and told me to shut up. Her lips were so soft and wonderful and then she was completely naked and my eyes marveled at the sight of her lovely form. She pulled up the covers and then lay next to me and the next moments were pure bliss as we made love for the first time. We did it two more times before morning. The doctor who came to check on me at dawn saw us together and said if I could spend the night with a woman in my bed than I was ready to leave his hospital."

Kaylee felt warm all over remembering that first time. Oh, he had been reluctant, worried on everything as usual, but she had waited long enough and she had him alone at last and almost helpless so she took charge and did what they had both wanted to do for so long. It had been magical and the desires that had consumed her body, dreams, and many a waking thought were finally released in sweet pleasure.

"Today we said goodbye to Wash, Mr. Universe and Shepherd Book. We found a little section of land off from the complex and built three small monuments to our friends. Kaylee rigged some holographic images of the three from recordings we had and it was a fitting tribute to them. Wash and Mr. Universe were cremated and their ashes placed in urns under the monuments. Book will have to wait until we return to Haven, but we will give him a proper send off as we had promised him."

That had been a sad day and Kaylee still struggled with the reality of what they had lost. As she closed the journal and thought on her friends, Simon came in.

"Hi. Mal and Zoe are back."

Kaylee put down the journal and followed him to the cargo bay where the Capt'n and Zoe stood talking to River and Inara.

"How's everything?" she asked, a bit concerned since Jayne was not with them.

"No worries," said the Capt'n. "Peaceful little town, has a few shops, church, one school, barbershop, trading company, nice houses, an electrical generating house, and one bar."

Zoe looked at her. "Guess where we found Jayne?"

Kaylee pondered for a second in a mocking way. "Mmmmm let me see…the bar?"

Inara chimed in, "Which also doubles as a whorehouse. Apparently there is one lady of my profession in this little town and Jayne refused to leave the warmth of her bed until morning."

"Not a big deal, let him have his, ah, fun," said the Capt'n. "Didn't see a gun anywhere except them few fellows working for Beauregard. Had a drink, talk to the old timer, Pete, and he said ain't no trouble here, people minds themselves, farm their land, come to town for a few drinks, have a fight once in awhile but nothing serious."

River looked at Mal and Zoe. "There's a house."

"A house?' Simon asked. "River, what about a house?"

Zoe smiled. "She's right. Your new home. Old Pete said they had a house where the old doctor lived. He died about two months ago, had no family. Office on the first floor, living quarters on the second, some furniture. All yours if you stay."

Kaylee couldn't believe it. "A house? For…us?"

"Yup," said Mal. "Nice one too, dark green with blue trimmings, got electricity by looks of it. We'll wait till morning. Beauregard should be up by then, Simon?"

"He seems to be doing well. I'll know more in the morning, but…it looks good."

A silence fell as they all realized what this meant and Kaylee was suddenly afraid of what was to come. Mal finally broke the silence.

"Let's have a drink," and they all broke into grins and headed for the dining area after they closed up the ramp and locked up the ship.

They all got good and drunk except Simon who had a patient to be responsible for, and Mal, who had many drinks but didn't seem drunk. Supper was late for once as Kaylee and Inara spent more time giggling and spilling things than doing a proper job. It was still delicious and Simon brought some to Beauregard's man in the infirmary and Mal even sent him a glass of sake, for which the man was much obliged. Simon later told them he showed the man to a passenger room where he could rest and Simon promised he would call him if anything happened to his boss.

Meanwhile the drinking continued late into the night. River played games with them trying to guess what object or number or event they were thinking on and she was always right. When it was Kaylee's turn she had been looking at Simon, who had come upstairs for a brief while to get some coffee and she couldn't help but think of making love to him. River blushed and told Kaylee that she shouldn't have such nasty thoughts about her brother and everyone howled with glee and both Simon and Kaylee turned a might redder.

As they were drinking Kaylee noticed the Capt'n drank as much as the others but didn't get drunk, like he wanted to be in control of his faculties in case of trouble. In fact, Zoe, River, Kaylee, and Inara drank the most and before Kaylee knew it her head was droopy and she was telling everyone she loved them and would miss them all and they were always welcome in their house anytime. The way they talked it was an accepted fact that three of them could very well be leaving on the morrow. The last thing Kaylee remembered was Simon taking her to bed and giving her a goodnight kiss. She tried to drag him into bed with her, but he had to take care of his patient and soon she drifted off to dream world, her mind filled with thoughts of green fields and a little house. ********************************************************************

Kaylee awoke and was instantly worried because Simon wasn't at her side. She sat up quickly and regretted it at once as her head spun and she nearly got sick. She steadied and calmed herself and then remembered they were on Boros, she had drunk a lot last night, and Simon had a patient in the infirmary, a patient who would be their benefactor if all went well. She slowly pulled herself out of bed, put on Simon's robes, grabbed a towel and soap and staggered off to the bathroom, not even caring if anyone was around.

The shower was invigorating and brought her back to her senses. She stayed for a long time, having disabled the timer after remembering they were parked next to a river and were on a planet with plenty of water. As she combed her hair in the mirror a knock came to the door.

"Kaylee?" It was Simon. "You OK?"

"Yes. Just a minute, dear."

She came out and he grabbed her and gave her a big hug and kiss, long and loving and Kaylee felt wonderful in his arms as always.

"Mmmmm, what did I do to deserve that?" she murmured.

"I've got wonderful news," he said with a big grin and Kaylee waited for more but he just looked at her, grinning.

"Well, tell me, don't kept me in suspense!"

"Beauregard is awake. River she, ah, checked him out, and he seems honest in his intentions. He said he'd give us the house, the town will pay me a salary, not much but what they can afford. Folks can also pay in food and what not. Told him you were my wife and he said he'd already met you and said he sure could use a mechanic around here, too."

It was all happening so quickly Kaylee wondered when it all took place. "What…you…mean…wait a second…what time is it?"

"Hmm, almost eleven am," he replied and she just shook her head in disbelief.

"You let me sleep all morning!" and she started hitting him with the towel and chased him into their bedroom until both collapsed on the bed. In an instant they both knew what they wanted to do and Simon leaped up and shut the door and was out of his clothes a few moments later and Kaylee and Simon made love aboard Serenity for the last time…ever.

The days that followed were full of joy and heartache. The town welcomed them with open arms and they moved into the little house with the doctor's office on the ground floor. Simon immediately saw that they needed a whole slew of things for his clinic and made a long list. He persuaded Beauregard that the town surely needed these things and Beauregard hired Serenity for a cargo run to Persephone. When folks heard a ship was making a cargo run out came the little piles of money they had saved and before Mal knew it he had dozens of orders for farm machinery parts and orders from the merchants for hundreds of items, odds, and ends for the few shops and the bar in town. He waved Harrow on Persephone and Harrow said he'd have his people get together the order and also asked the Capt'n to arraign some connections with the local farmers for their produce. Beauregard was more than happy to make a new business arraignment and it appeared that everyone would make out on this deal. Mal kept waiting for something to happen to screw things up like always but nothing occurred and even he began to relax for a change.

Kaylee and River got to work making their new house a home. The bachelor lifestyle of the previous owner, the now deceased doctor, had left the house a little bare. The two women got some paint and set to work and also added a few nice curtains, a painting or two, and gave it all a thorough cleaning, which was a start. As soon as the bathtub was clean Kaylee spent a few hours in luxury and before long the other Serenity women were lined up for the chance at this little piece of pleasure.

Jayne finally staggered out of the bar/whorehouse after three days and sheepishly said all his money was gone but it was well-worth it. A scantily clad blond woman hung out the second floor window and told him to come back next pay day, at which Jayne said sure, but to the others quietly said that she was so lustful he might need to wait a few months to recover.

Kaylee found herself in increasing demand outside the home as she soon got a reputation for fixing things after she restored Beauregard's little vehicle to running status again. He drove that machine everywhere it could go and it was lucky for him because he limped about with a cane for many weeks after the operation before his leg was finally healed. He was truly grateful for Simon for fixing his leg and Kaylee for fixing his machine.

Serenity left on its cargo run and Kaylee knew they would be back in a few days but she still felt a pain of loss as the old Firefly took off and she and Simon and River were left alone. It didn't happen the way she had envisioned or dreamed, cause they weren't saying goodbye permanently and they would be back soon. What really hurt was the fact that for the first time in a long time she knew she wouldn't be going with them and her worries multiplied. She knew the Capt'n had piloting experience and Zoe and Inara could in theory also fly Serenity, having flown the shuttles many times, but she worried over the engines and worried if anyone got hurt. Before they left the Capt'n took her aside, far from the others near the river bank.

"Had a wave from Harrow. Said he can get that inspector back if I want. Think she's up for it?"

"Yes, Capt'n…."

"Don't have to call me that no more."

She was stunned for a moment, having always called him that. "But…I mean…I always…no, I can't call you nothing else. You're the Capt'n and always will be."

He smiled and nodded. "Guess so. Guess Zoe will be calling me 'sir' till we're old and grey."

"Don't wait that long. Please." And she looked at him with worry in her eyes.

"What you on about, little Kaylee?"

"You and Inara. Don't wait. Marry her, make a family, find a peaceful corner of the verse, enjoy your lives, away from the Alliance, be safe."

"Yeah, she's been talking about that. Don't know if I can be anything else."

"Yes you can. You're a good man, you set your mind to something, it'll get done. Lots of people need a man like you, a leader, and not in any war, just in a small corner of the verse, like Beauregard has done here, someone to stand up for folks and help them when they need it most of all."

"Well, that was a mouthful. Reckon that's what Inara's been trying to say to me."

He gave her a big hug and looked her in the eyes. "I'll give your words a lot of thought. Simon got a good notion there, and I know you'll be happy here, but you know you can always come back anytime."

"I know. Be safe," and she held him for a long time until finally they walked back to Serenity and she said goodbye to the others. She held back her tears, knowing it was only for short time but still it felt like the last time. When the ramp went up, she and Simon and River walked back to get away from the take off blast and when they were a safe distance they turned. The low rumble of the VTOL's came and then the fiery blast scorched the grass by the river as the old Firefly, her home for four long years, rose up and up and then turned and was soon far away and lost to sight.

They stood for a long time looking at the sky and finally Simon turned to her and said, "Let's go home."

Serenity returned five days later, on a clear wonderful sunny morning, landing in the same spot, the engines shutting down just as people came running to see what she had brought. As the ramp came down Simon, River and Kaylee ran up and greeted their friends with big hugs and handshakes. The cargo bay was stuffed and Jayne and Zoe got to work with the locals to unload the ship, with Simon making sure they were extra careful with his medical supplies. As they went about this task Mal took Kaylee aside and lead her down the ramp to the side of the ship, keeping her back to the ship. She was confused as to what he was doing but just let him, knowing he had to have a good reason for acting so strangely.

"Now, you recall how we talked about making Serenity a legit cargo carrier?"

"Yes, Capt'n. But that man said you needed to change the name of the ship."

"That he did, and he came and inspected her and she passed with flying colors thanks to you and River and the work you did. But then we came to the name on the licenses and inspection report and I had me a hard time. You know this here name has special meaning for me and Zoe, maybe me more than her, but you know, I thought long and hard on what we last talked about, and after much thought and a few misgivings I decided to change the name."

She immediately tried to turn around to see what happened to the big "Serenity" logo but he held her shoulders. Kaylee could see the rest of the crew had come out of the ship with Simon and River and they were all standing there looking at her and Kaylee began to get a bit worried.

"Now I had to think on what name and it had to be something special, something to remind me of something special, or in this case, someone special."

"Some…one?" she said and then she knew what he had done but couldn't quite believe it. All the others were beaming at her and slowly Kaylee turned and looked up and then just gasped.

The Serenity logo was gone and in its place was the familiar orange yellow disk but it was now surrounded by red roses with the ship's new name in stylish white lettering in Chinese and English in the center:

"Little Kaylee".

Kaylee was struck dumb by this act of…what it was she couldn't quite place it but it was so….shiny! She turned to him and was just speechless and he grinned. "Couldn't think of a better name. Hope you like it."

"Oh my God, you…oh I love it of course…but Serenity is now…me!"

Zoe put a gentle hand on her shoulder. "She'll always be Serenity, but she'll always be you also, Little Kaylee."

Kaylee looked around at the others. "Inara?"

"I painted it of course, but you can fix it up if you want."

"No, no, it's fine."

"I wanted to call it Vera but I was outvoted," said Jayne and Kaylee couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

"You get a ship named after you. All I got was a hamster," said Simon in mock disappointment and then he grinned and came over and hugged her and stood looking up at the logo.

"It's nice,' was all River said. "But Zoe's right. She'll always be Serenity."

"Yes," agreed Kaylee. "She'll always be Serenity."

They all stood and looked at the ship and then at each other and felt the special bond that held them even after all the trials and tribulations, ups and downs, and the pain of loss and the joy of love.

"Let's get back to work," Mal finally said and they moved off to help with the cargo.

A long time later in the evening they sat in the new house in the kitchen just off from the doctor's office and had a wonderful meal Kaylee had cooked and then out came the bottles and more than a few drinks were had, but Kaylee didn't have any. As the party got louder, Kaylee went outside for a breath of fresh air. After a few minutes Simon found her and they stared up at the stars and the infinite black of space beyond.

"Tell me we did the right thing," she said to her husband.

"Time will tell, but I think we did," he finally said after a long moment.

"I hope so, cause I have something to tell you," she said and was very serious, looking him deep in the eyes and she could sense he was worried.

"What's the matter?"

And she just grinned and said, "I think I'm pregnant."

Simon's eyes widened and then he just held her and said "How?"

She laughed, "Jeeze, you were there!"

"No, no I mean how do you know?"

"Cause I am late. Ain't never been late before, not ever"

"Oh, my lovely lady, you've just made me the happiest man in the verse," he said and they hugged and kissed for a long time.

"We should tell the others?" she whispered to him.

"Not till I run some tests in the morning. Need to be sure. But for now no more drinking, no coffee, need to eat lots of greens and…."

And they talked about it for a long time and then made their way back to the house when the others called for them. Before they entered Kaylee paused and looked again at the stars and thanked God for bringing her this man, and this baby, and those friends inside and promised to be good all her life if he would protect those she loved and let her and Simon and River have a little peace, even for a little while, so she could raise this baby and make a home for her new family.

 _Author's Note: One more piece, an epilogue, to come._


	18. Chapter 18 Epilouge

**The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 18 – Epilogue**

Kaylee was pregnant and nine months later Simon helped her delivered a healthy baby boy into the world. They called him Daniel and over the years Kaylee had four more boys and three girls until there were eight little children running around the Tam household. Kaylee just kept wanting more babies and Simon couldn't say no to her and their brood grew and grew. It was a bigger house by the time the last baby, little Emma, came on a wintry day in January, a local carpenter adding on bits and pieces until there was a proper operating theater and five bedrooms, a storage room, and a horse stable. The children grew and went to school and their house and the town of Lancaster grew around them, expanding outward and becoming more prosperous.

The first year had been the hardest for Kaylee and Simon and River. Beauregard kept his end of the bargain and never told anyone who they really were and why they were suddenly here. They had to tell some tall tales to the locals and it soon became well-known that the new doctor, while from the Core, had decided to dedicate his life to helping the folk on the rim. For this he was looked at in awe and received a great measure of respect from all who knew the story. Of course, his wife supported him and his sister came out to help them settle in and then just decided to stay. After being on Boros a month River began to draw and paint more and her art work was bought by some locals. Some parents asked her to teach their children to paint and soon Beauregard offered her a job to teach dance and art at the local school. As the town grew bigger she opened her own private academy and River was glad she stayed, especially after she met a local man she took a shine to and after a few years River and Tom Wilkins were married.

Tom was a farmer and had his feet on the ground so Simon and River decided to tell him the truth about her "condition" and their situation before their wedding day. He took it well after the initial shock and he said he always knew something was odd about his girlfriend since she seemed to know what he was about to say and how he felt even before he did. He said he'd keep a gun by the bed but River told him that wouldn't be necessary and after she flipped him on his back in one quick move he had to agree with her.

Little Kaylee/aka Serenity flew to the Lancaster townships several times that first year and often did the cargo run between Persephone and Boros for Harrow and his new agricultural business. Mal had hired two new crew members, a Chinese fellow who was an expert cook and Jayne's new best friend and Bester, their former mechanic, who rejoined the crew after answering an ad for a mechanic on a ship called the Little Kaylee, a Firefly. He knew that name and thought, nah, it couldn't be, but he showed up on Persephone and Mal decided that he'd rather have someone he knew than not. Bester had learned a few lessons over the years, and he was decidedly more mature and not the girl chaser he used to be after one too many fathers, brothers, and husbands chased him out of bedrooms.

Mal's troubles with Badger came to a head a few months after Kaylee and the Tams left the ship. Two assassins came calling on Beaudmonde while Mal, Jayne and Zoe were having a friendly drink in a bar and one of the assassins met his end with a bullet in the brainpan thanks to Zoe's quick reflexes and the other was dragged aboard the ship where Jayne beat the truth out of him after a few hours. Badger had hired them and after they sent this assassin for a space walk, without the suit, they decided to settle scores with Badger once and for all. Kaylee never knew the whole story but Badger and two of his henchmen were found face down with more than a few bullets in them in a back alley near the Eavesdown docks and not too many wept when he passed.

Things slowed down after the harvest that first year and that's when trouble came calling for the first time to the Tam household. Kaylee was six months pregnant and home alone making dinner on a rainy day, River being at the school and Simon out tending to some folks who had come down with the flu. A man came to the doctor's office and claimed he was from the central Boros government and was here to inspect the new doctor's license and the facilities to make sure everything was on the up and up. Kaylee got immediately suspicious because he didn't look like no government worker, his clothes more of a cowboy or laborer, with dirty fingernails, and a smell of whiskey. She got nervous, too nervous, and he sensed she was on to him. A gun came out and he was in the process of tying a very terrified Kaylee to a chair and asking where Simon and River Tam were when River flew through the door, knocked the gun out of his hand and broke the man's neck in just a few seconds.

They dragged his body to the kitchen and sat there in fear, waiting for Simon to come home. Kaylee didn't have to ask how River knew she was in danger, River just knew and nothing needed to be said. Simon was shocked to find a dead man in his kitchen and immediately called on Beauregard and told him to come alone. P.T. took one look through the man's pockets and found the old Tam sibling wanted poster, which Simon quickly threw in the wood burning stove. There was no id and nothing to connect him to the Alliance and no way to know if he worked alone or had friends. Beauregard handed Simon the gun, told him to lock all the doors and let no one in except himself, and then he went for a walk around town. There was a strange horse hitched to the post in front of the bar and on inquiring the bar owner said a strange fellow had just been in and had a few shots of whisky. Was awful nervous too and looked like he was trying to calm himself. They waited for night and then Simon and Beauregard put the body on the dead man's horse and took him up into the hills and buried him in as remote a place as they could find. They buried the saddle and gear with him and slapped the horse on the tail and sent it off. There was no brand or markings on the horse so some farmer found it the next morning and made it his own.

Fear filled their next weeks and they debated on whether to pack up and run but Kaylee said no, we run now we'll never stop and this baby needs a home as much as we do. Simon finally agreed with her but took measures for their protection. Guns were bought and placed in every room and remained there till the children started crawling and Simon got a gun cabinet which he kept locked. In the evenings River showed them some defensive moves, and on off days the three went target shooting at tin cans and bottles up in the hills till Simon and Kaylee were almost as good as River with a gun. They never told Mal and the others what had happened. The children learned to shoot and ride but their parents and aunt never told them they were fugitives with a price on their heads.

They never knew who would come knocking in the middle of the night but gradually their fears subsided and life was as normal as it could be in their situation. Kaylee's father Jonathan came to visit twice the first year and then decided he wanted to be close to the only family he had when the first baby came. He sold his factory and house on Taos and used the money to buy a small place and set up a repair shop in Lancaster. He had more than enough business and he and Kaylee, when she wasn't expecting, which was quite often in those first years, earned a good living fixing tractors, appliances, and the few vehicles people had. They also kept the electrical generator station operating and by the time the last baby was born an electrical grid net was in operation on this part of Boros.

After nine months living on Boros, Simon and River finally decided it was time to tell their parents about what had happened and where they were. Simon asked Mal to visit Osiris and give a verbal message to Gabriel and Regan Tam, to tell them where they were and to ask them to come to visit. Afraid the Alliance was watching them, they left the Tam residence on a rainy night, disguised as their servants and made their way to Little Kaylee's shuttle and then to the ship itself. The two week journey gave the Tams plenty of time to get caught up on what had happened to their children. There were some bad moments when Simon and his father finally were face to face after so long and with so much anger and bitterness on Simon's part but Kaylee took the moment to fortuitously go into labor and eight hours later Daniel was born. Long talks and many tears were shared among the Tams as they sought to find a way to forgive each other for all that had passed. Kaylee was finally made to feel a part of the family as Simon's parents thanked her for caring for their children and bringing them their new grandson.

Gabriel and Regan Tam left Boros ten days later determined to find a way to get the Alliance to drop the charges against their children. But it was futile and Gabriel had no power and no connections to the upper levels of the government. Four years passed and Kaylee had three more children and Tom and River got married and still they worried about the future. Then a tragedy set things moving in a new direction. A young man walked into a busy government office in the capital city on Londinium and in an all day siege that was broadcast galaxy wide killed 33 people and injured another 57, many of them Alliance soldiers. He used guns, knives, explosives, his hands and his feet and finally killed himself by leaping from the top of the building as hundreds of Alliance troopers closed in. The young man's name was Adam Johansson and his parents were shocked to see their son on a vid screen waging combat against their government. An intrepid reporter reach the Johansson household before the Alliance Operatives could and they told the story of how their son entered an elite academy and then disappeared and hadn't been seen in almost six years. He was only 20 years old.

The secret of the Athenian Island project came out over the next few months as member after member of Parliament and dozens of citizen groups set in motion a galaxy wide protest over what had happened to Adam Johansson. When an assassination attempt on the reporter failed, the hue and cry shook the walls of the parliament and the current leadership fell under the scandal. The new government did an investigation and those responsible were brought to justice. The children of the program were scattered across the galaxy, some in hiding like River, and others on assignments for the government. An amnesty was granted for all crimes committed while in the grip of the program and suddenly what Simon and River had wished for was theirs: freedom.

On a bright sunny day Kaylee walked down the streets of Osiris' capital city with her handsome doctor on her arm and she didn't need to look over her shoulder or worry about where they would have to run to next. They entered a courtroom and River and Simon stood before a judge and were granted amnesty for their crimes. All their friends were there, Mal, Zoe, and Jayne feeling a might uncomfortable being this close to an Alliance judge and after the ruling all beat a hasty retreat to the Tam residence. Kaylee spent hours wandering the halls and rooms as River and Simon told stories about their childhood. Simon was so relaxed and seemed at home and Kaylee feared he would want to stay. Finally, the day before the Little Kaylee was to leave Simon told her that Boros was their home now and that was where they would raise their children. There was no doubt that River was going back because Tom was waiting for her.

They returned a few weeks later and Kaylee's father looked frazzled from spending almost a month with four young children and Kaylee promised she'd never leave him or her children alone again for so long. It wasn't all bad as Jonathan had begged a local woman for some help and they took a shine to each other and before long were sharing the same house. They never got married but Kaylee always took to Mary like the mother she had long lost and the children always called her grandmother.

Over the years the planet advanced enough that Lancaster was incorporated with some other townships to make Lancaster province with Lancaster as capital and Beauregard as first governor. His wife heard he was a governor and came out from Beaumonde long enough to learn she hated farming life and went back and was never seen again. Beauregard took up with a woman and was soon divorced and remarried all in a single day. Boros soon had an Alliance representative and was granted two seats in the parliament. The second Tam son, James, took a liking to politics and when he was twenty- six was voted in the youngest member in parliament history.

The oldest son Daniel and the third son Robert followed their father's footsteps and became doctors, both going to Osiris for their medical studies, and then both returning to Boros to practice. Joseph, the youngest son, went to university also and became a professor of history at the only college on Boros. Michael, number four of the Tam boys, became a merchant and opened a trading company in Lancaster. Little Emma was a grease monkey like her grandpa and momma and Kaylee was so proud of her. Jessie and Victoria went to college and Jessie became a lawyer and Victoria started in business with her brother Michael and then opened her own shop. All three girls and five boys were married and by the time she was in her forties Kaylee was a grandmother.

Two years after the Tams settled on Boros, Mal and Inara finally got married and settled on Shadow, Mal planning to use his legitimate business savings to buy a ranch. He didn't quite have enough and Inara surprised him by accessing a credit account that had more than enough with plenty left over. Apparently, as she jokingly told Kaylee, all that time spent on her back was worthwhile. Mal hated to be reminded of his wife's past and more than once he had to be restrained from shooting someone who recognized Inara from her previous life. They raised horses and cows and three children and stayed on Shadow and Mal finally found that little corner of the verse where he could find a little bit of peace.

The Little Kaylee was given to Zoe and she and Jayne, Bester and the other crew flew the verse doing what they always did. Zoe had a better head for business than anyone suspected and soon had a fleet of five old ships running cargo, making a fairly decent living, but she always stayed with the Little Kaylee. Zoe never did remarry or take up with someone on a permanent basis but Kaylee heard she had more than one lover in different ports of call. Many years later Kaylee was saddened to learn that Jayne Cobb was found dead in a whorehouse. He was almost 65 and was found in bed in the morning, dead of a heart attack apparently, with two naked women and a smile on his face.

Simon Tam died on a cold Tuesday morning in March in his seventy-sixth year. He was found by his son Robert on his desk in his office in the practice they operated together. His death was ruled a stroke and Kaylee wept inconsolably for a day with River and her holding each other and then she pulled herself together for her children and grandchildren. She was 69 and was considered a matriarch in Lancaster and was expected to be brave no matter how much her heart was breaking inside. Daniel made the funeral arraignments and they waited several days for James to return from his parliamentary duties, where he was now in the inner circle of the government. Space travel was much faster than in her day Kaylee marveled and she was glad to have all her children again in the same house even under such tragic circumstances. Kaylee's father had died seven years ago but Mary was there to help her with everything. Gabriel and Regan had also long passed on and the Tam property on Osiris sold and divided among Simon and River's families. Mal, Inara and Zoe showed at the last minute and Kaylee was so happy to see her friends that she wept again uncontrollably until Mal, aged, with thin grey hair, and wearing glasses, slower in step, but still tall and strong, her Capt'n, held her in his arms and walked her into the church.

The eulogies were long and wonderful and many spoke on Simon's dedication as a doctor, scarifying a career in the Core to help the people on the rim. His work in setting up the first medical school on Boros and his leadership of the physician's council were also praised by the local governor. But the best eulogy came last and it was by Mal. He stood and walked to the podium next to Simon's coffin, still wearing a long brown coat as usually. He fumbled in his pocket and brought out a piece of paper, looked at it and then just crumpled it and dropped it on the floor.

"Some of you know me and most of you don't. Name's Reynolds, Malcolm Reynolds and I was a sergeant in the 57th Brigade of Browncoats in the war." That brought a few cheers and then a short round of applause from the mostly independent minded church crowd. "But war's long past and don't ever wish for another. Now, I ain't much for words except if there's some fighting to be done." A few chuckles from the crowd and Kaylee remembered from the far distance past how he could inspire them before battle. "Anyways, we're here to say goodbye to a good man, maybe best you'll ever come across. Didn't always feel that way about him. Fact is first time I met him I punched his lights out, twice in the same day." Gasps from the crowd, with all her children and more than one town's person looking toward Kaylee. "I was captain of a Firefly called Serenity and Simon and his sister were passengers. Threatened to throw him off my ship once or twice too. But he kinda grew on me, despite his pompous demeanor. And then he fell in love with my mechanic and, well, long story short, he stole my mechanic!" And he said this with such indignation that Inara, Zoe and Kaylee couldn't help but laugh and Kaylee started to feel so much better. Her children and grandchildren kept looking at her and she knew it was time to tell them everything.

"Well, you can't stop love and Simon did love her and made her his wife and came here to find some peace and raise a family. He was a good man and I'd like to have him at my side in a gunfight any day. Not carrying a gun mind you, but with his doctor's bag in case I got shot!" And this time the whole church laughed and the dreaded air of a funeral was disappearing. "Cause he was a terrible shot, least when I knew him. Hear he got better since. I ain't got much more to say so don't fret none. I guess what I aim to say is that Simon was a good friend, a good neighbor, a good husband, father, grandfather and of course a good doctor. But in the end none of that matters less you're a good man. And that's what Simon Tam was: a good man, in his heart and in his deeds. Little Kaylee," and he looked right at her as tears welled in her eyes "all our hearts are breaking but yours most of all. But don't fret cause he's in a good place now and will always be in our hearts." And he came over as Kaylee slowly rose and he gave her a big warm hug and everyone surrounded them and tears flowed freely. After a long while they moved to the cemetery and in the biting wind they lay Simon to rest for the final time.

The house was jammed with people for hours and finally Mal took charge and ushered all except immediate family away so they could sit in peace together. Kaylee told everyone to gather in the living room and it was jammed with children and grandchildren, hers and River's, and their children's spouses and River's husband Tom was there and Mary and of course Zoe and Inara and Mal. She went to Simon's study with Daniel and both came back a few minutes later with the journal in Kaylee's hands and Daniel holding a box with many more notebooks which he placed at Kaylee's feet before he sat down.

Kaylee cleared her throat and took a sip of wine and then began to speak. "Your father and I kept many secrets from you." And more than one head nodded. "Now Capt'n Reynolds has alluded to a few of them today but not all. This here notebook was your father's journal when we first met. Now you know we met on a transport ship where I was mechanic and he was a passenger. But that's just the beginning of the story. In this box are all his journals and notebooks over the years. Some from when he was a child, some from after we moved to Boros. But this one is the original one I read many years ago while on Serenity."

And Mal and Zoe and Inara looked at each other in surprise. "Yes, he wrote it while he was on the ship. River knew of course, like she knows everything else, but I made a promise to him so long ago to never tell anyone else about it. Well, now I'm telling you. And you can read it all of you if you want, this one and all of the other Dr. Tam journals. It's time you got to know just how strong and brave and loving and well, even pompous, your father and grandfather really was."

With that Kaylee handed the journal to Daniel and he opened the first page and his eyes grew wide and then soon everyone wanted to hear what Simon wrote. Daniel looked at his mother and Kaylee nodded and so he spoke in a clear strong voice:

"This journal is a record of my attempts to free my sister, River Tam, from the people who are imprisoning her on Athenian Island at a scientific research center for human behavior modification. I am committing it to paper and ink to insure there is only one copy that cannot be breached as an electronic one can. If anyone finds this journal please send it to Gabriel and Regan Tam of 11 Chungjin Street, Sungsoo Suburb, Capital City, Osiris. You will be well paid for your efforts. My name is Dr. Simon Tam, River's brother, and I have begun this journey in an attempt to free my sister and save her from whatever it is the Alliance government is doing to her."

And in shocked silence, interrupted by questions and gasps of disbelief and interjections from Mal to correct certain points, which Inara, Kaylee, and Zoe didn't feel needed correction at all, the gathering listened and everyone took turns reading, except certain parts that were a bit too private Kaylee felt, and long into the night and for many nights after they gathered and reminisced and remembered the good times and the bad but mostly they remembered the good and how they had all come together on a fateful day at the Eavesdown docks so long ago and what a long and, for the most part, wonderful life it had been.

THE END

 **Author's Note: Thanks to all who read it and especially those who commented. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.**


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